Lemma Soft Forums

This game is about a girl who suddenly gets powers from a falling star..
a boy knew she had powers because her eyes changed color..
he invited her to a team called Magical Mess..

you will encounter 2 boys in this game..
you can choose who you can end up with..
each boy has 2 GOOD ENDINGS!!
good luck
this is a VISUAL NOVEL.

warning:

this VN is very hard.. (I'm sort of mean)
sorry about that

the art is awful I know.

please try it out.. download please

windows - mac - I'm too lazy to put the linux's download link so I'll just put it in renai.us ok?
pleeeeeaaaaasseeee download this !!! just once
well, it's not like you download visual novels twice... I mean.. maybe

Congratulations for completing your project! I'll let you know what I think, even if I'm not particularly fond of otome games. Downloading now!

It's a pretty good game...It's kept my interest all the while I played it. Good job.

Okay, I've finished playing, and I have a couple of comments.

1: You're in need of an editor. Your writing shows some promise, considering your age, but there are some things you need to get worked out.

2: Your paths are really picky, and there's lots of ways to muck it up. Not a bad thing, in and of itself, but it seems kinda mean

3: Ditch the copyrighted music. The OST piece that you used for main menu music I didn't spot immediately, but Teardrop is an extended version of the theme music from House, MD. Fox hates being ripped off. http://incompetech.com you can get all the royalty-free music you can handle, and he'll let you use it for non-commercial purposes until the cows come home. You just have to credit him for it.

4: I wouldn't have the foggiest idea how old you are unless you told me point blank in-game. I'd rewrite that bit in it's entirety, and ditch the reference to you, your gender, or your age. You need to be careful.

5: Good job on getting it done at all. Sorry about the above comments, you did a reasonable job. Take those things into consideration and you'll do very well indeed.

Since you requested people to download and play, I played this game.
For someone 13 years old, it is a good game.
Here are my likes and dislikes:
Likes:
1. There are lots of mundane romance games. So, such games has become old-fashioned. But your one was not mundane. That's why the story was a bit special.
2. The art is cute even though it is flawed. Keep practicing, and I'm sure you will be a great artist one day.

Dislikes:
1. I don't like it when endings come out of nowhere. Most endings were unexpected and came really out of nowhere. Even if you ask that guy that you want to know more about him, you get a bad ending saying- "Too Forward." This really should not happen if he is an obtainable boy. Yes, you can give some negative score, if he dislikes it, but jumping straight to a bad ending is really-- crazy.

2. There were hundreds of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. If you are not good at grammar, you should have looked for a proofreader. There were other mistakes too. Words were misused. You used one word for another.

3. It said "CG Gallery" but in the gallery there were also backgrounds. And those backgrounds are very common. There was no need to put them in the gallery.

4. I got two endings, and in one of them, that guy Takashi or whatever his name was, pulls out his knife and says, "I have to kill you now." He speaks so calmly. And the girl's reaction was also very calm. A girl would scream, or cry or try to run away. But she keeps waiting while he counts for five minutes. And before it is mentioned that she doesn't have any feelings for him. Then, why would she wait for him to kill her?

5. There was an error with the CG gallery.

6. There is no need to tell the reader about your age, your gender and how and why you made the game. Players don't care about the creator's gender or age, they only care about the story and art.

7. The music didn't fit the scenes at all.

8. There was no need for you to create a textbox yourself. You could have used the default ren'py textbox. It blocked half the art and did not let me get a complete view of the CGs. I had to press the "H" button to view it.

But since you are a 13 year old girl, and this is your first VN, I think most of your mistakes will be forgiven by the players.
But next time you create a VN, keep my advice in mind.

umm.. your getting the wrong idea...

@Wright1000

Takashi didn't wait for 5 minutes.. he just can't do it...
the girl wasn't waiting.. she can't move..
the girl has a personality that doesn't scream.. she's a brave and bored person.. she find these kind of things interesting even if she might die.. she knew that he can't do it from the start because, they were very close friends... she was confident about it.. so she stayed calm.

Well too have finished an actual game and only being thirteen is quite a feat. I'm kinda sad to say that the hmm well to me lack of good story line in the beginning really kinda drove me off. And too me the endings came way too fast. And I'm guessing English isn't your native language. (Didn't get good endings.) So it would've probably been best to get a proofreader. Also a lot of people are very picky about proper typing so you probably should watch your capalization. I'm sorry I feel like I'm only bashing you so I'mma stop, but congrats' for actually finishing one.

thanks for the suggestions thank you !

I think it's a very cute first game, and I really congratulate you for finishing it.
It's awesome that you already have your first game.

I thought the little bonus of being able to see Hikaru's "true colors" was very original and really cute.

I think it's a little bit confusing that you use both first person ("I") and second person ("You") in the narration.

Sometimes, Hikaru's actions are narrated as "You wipe the blood with your old shirt"
But other times, specially before choices, they're written like "how should I respond?"
It might be best if in your next game you "pick" a style of narrating and just stick with it. Using both at the same time can look strange.

As for my other critique, I know I'm so going to get in trouble for saying this, but please, don't be mad, I'm saying this with my best intentions.

I think the whole "serious" part of the game might not have been really necessary. When I played the game, it mostly seemed like you were trying for it to be a romantic game, but the whole "Magical Mess" thing wasn't really explored.
I mean, they're some group of detectives that investigate magical crimes, right?
But in the game they don't investigate anything.

You probably have a bigger story in mind about these characters, but we, the players, don't know this story yet, so we can't understand it based only on the game you've given us.

The characters are cute, they laugh and blush and buy each other lollipops, I really think it's okay to leave it at that, it is enough for your game to be a nice romance game/otome/GxB

I know I'm way too old to be your target audience, but still, if you post here, I guess you wanted feedback from as many people as possible.

And if you keep drawing and writing and programming, you'll just get better, and better, and better, so seriously, go for it!

Good luck!

This is a very cute and fun game. Great job!

Okay, I was hoping someone could tell me what songs were used in this VN. I know I've heard them before but I can't put a name to them.

Congrats on the game. I thought it was very cute and funny. I just need help getting one of Kazuma's ending. There are flaws in the game, but that's understandable this being your first and you only being 13. There is a problem with the CG's though because when I tried opening them there was an error although it might be my computer, just make sure. Over all i enjoyed the game and hope you make a new one taking in what the others said. Good luck

Ruslana wrote:Okay, I was hoping someone could tell me what songs were used in this VN. I know I've heard them before but I can't put a name to them.

I know how you feel. I can't think of them either

Hey can you tell me what the name of the song and artist of the opening was? please and thank you :]