Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

Finished games are posted here, once they've been tested and are ready for wide release.
Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
Shioriemei
Regular
Posts: 42
Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:22 pm
Completed: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)
Contact:

Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#1 Post by Shioriemei » Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:27 pm

Hikari is a high school girl studying for her exams. Her life changes course when one day she falls asleep next to aquarium.
Image

Statistics:
The game contains 102 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 578 words,
for an average of 5.7 words per screen.

-2 Endings
-1 obtainable guy
-3 cgs
-My first VN O.O

Download Links


Windows: http://www.mediafire.com/?13n2nltn6vpovnp
Linux: http://www.mediafire.com/?cg0qqvvk4iqebii
Mac: http://www.mediafire.com/?4btpa7bntmp4b4u

missdeathdaisy
Newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 8:59 pm
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#2 Post by missdeathdaisy » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:06 am

I'll download this :)

User avatar
Desu_Cake
Veteran
Posts: 300
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:03 pm
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#3 Post by Desu_Cake » Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:44 am

I love the atmosphere, and how sweet a tale you created in such a short period of time!

That said, there were a few problems, the main one being bad grammar (Suicide is not a verb), and the fact that the dialogue feels a bit rushed.

Overall though, not bad. Especially for your first novel.

User avatar
Abeiramar
Regular
Posts: 198
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:37 am
Location: Portugal
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#4 Post by Abeiramar » Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:58 am

Congratulations on your first Visual Novel! I hope to see many more from you in the future.

I got both endings, yay! It was so short though ;~; !
I didn't know the guy liked pink carnations until it was mentioned in one ending... next time write more dialogue <3 !
Also, the backgrounds change very quickly, put "scene background_name with fade" on the Ren'py script to make the backgrounds change more slowly, it's more pleasing for the eyes ;) .

The design of the girl (Hikari) is very cute, I love her pink hair.

User avatar
Shioriemei
Regular
Posts: 42
Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:22 pm
Completed: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#5 Post by Shioriemei » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:42 pm

@missdeathdaisy : :3 yay

@Desu_cake : >.< sowee since it was short i didnt have any grammer checkers..and stuff. And yes i admit it wuz rushed ;A; I will hopefully do better job on my second vn....(but i will have to improve mah bad drawing skillz first i think ;A;)

@Abeiramar : >.< sowee i rushed it , I will add more dialogue on my next game ;-;. And ty next time i will put transitions too :3 Aaand I am glad u like hikari's character art :'D (I rushed on kei's so...D: his character art looks weird ;-;)

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#6 Post by Wright1000 » Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:27 am

Desu_Cake wrote:That said, there were a few problems, the main one being bad grammar (Suicide is not a verb), and the fact that the dialogue feels a bit rushed.


Desu_Cake: Please check your dictionary before you pass a comment like that. Suicide can be a verb too.

About the game: I downloaded and played the game but it wasn't what I expected. I did not like the story nor the grammar. But the CGI art was nice. If English isn't your first language, why don't you go to the market and buy some books about English grammar?
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Stripe
Regular
Posts: 136
Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:05 pm
Projects: secret!
Location: England
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#7 Post by Stripe » Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:51 am

Still, in everyday speech, if someone said 'to suicide' it would be considered extremely strange. It would be 'to commit suicide', or 'to attempt suicide' instead.

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#8 Post by Wright1000 » Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:55 am

Ris wrote:Still, in everyday speech, if someone said 'to suicide' it would be considered extremely strange. It would be 'to commit suicide', or 'to attempt suicide' instead.


It may be "extremely strange" or "very very strange" but that's not what I am talking about here. I am saying that it's grammatically 100% correct. I am talking about grammar here, not the style of writing. If you don't believe me, look at one of the latest dictionaries.
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Stripe
Regular
Posts: 136
Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:05 pm
Projects: secret!
Location: England
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#9 Post by Stripe » Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:22 am

Yeah, yeah, perfect grammar, we get it. A story can have perfect grammar and still flow horribly. It's about using the right speech for the situation.

As it was, Shioriemei, I thought the game was a cute way to test out how Ren'py can work! If you work on a longer story and find a proofreader, I think you could make something good! ^^ If you ever want anyone to check over your English for you in the future, I'd be more than happy to help, and I'm sure there are other people too~

User avatar
TakeOverWorld
Regular
Posts: 112
Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 11:00 am
Location: London, UK
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#10 Post by TakeOverWorld » Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:58 am

I played it. The grammer wasn't the best, but the story was sweet, and the music fit the feel of the story really well. :D

User avatar
Desu_Cake
Veteran
Posts: 300
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:03 pm
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#11 Post by Desu_Cake » Sat Sep 17, 2011 2:13 pm

Wright1000 wrote:
Desu_Cake: Please check your dictionary before you pass a comment like that. Suicide can be a verb too.




No. No it can't. Suicide is a noun. "Commit suicide" is a phrase that can be looked on as a verb, but in no dictionary that I have seen has suicide been listed as a verb.

User avatar
Riviera
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 660
Joined: Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:39 pm
Location: Somewhere
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#12 Post by Riviera » Sat Sep 17, 2011 2:32 pm

On the Grammar issue: Actually, suicide CAN be used as a verb.

Source: Merriam Webster (suicided, suiciding)

There's also a chart of verb forms: Conjugation website

It may not be formal yet, but I've seen people use the term as a verb before. "She's going to suicide!" "Don't go and suicide on your climbing expedition, now." are two ways I've seen it used.

Words are changing all the time. Heck, if you google the definition of suicide it'll come up with it as a noun and a verb, and the example it gives for the verb is as I've used it.

verb 
suicided, past participle; suicided, past tense; suicides, 3rd person singular present; suiciding, present participle

Intentionally kill oneself
- he leaves the service and then suicides


Sooo yeah. It's a matter of taste and preference on what way you think a word should be used, but it's not correct to say they're doing it wrong.

On the game itself:

The Good:

The cursor was very pretty, as was the title screen.

Backgrounds are simple but nice.

Music also fits well.

The Bad:

Grammar and spelling. Needs work.

Story could use some fleshing out. It went very fast. Too fast to be very believable.


Not a bad first attempt. :)
Will edit/proofread for cookies.

Image
I do free voicework! Click here for samples

User avatar
Desu_Cake
Veteran
Posts: 300
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:03 pm
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#13 Post by Desu_Cake » Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:02 pm

(Attempting to stop being so bloody-minded, so dropping the point on the technical side of things), suicide should never be used as a verb in literature. Anyway, I wouldn't really have noticed the suicide much at all, if it weren't mentioned so often. The dialogue really didn't seem to flow properly during that scene, and the use of suicide as a verb really wasn't helping.

Celestine
Veteran
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:06 pm
Location: USA, Michigan
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#14 Post by Celestine » Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:34 pm

:P Good job on your first novel.

Played it and it was cute. Nice music.
But you might want someone to proofread your next one if you do another just to get the small details in your writing.
Iratherbeweird,thencalledstrange.
MydadtaughtmeinLifeEverything[/i]has consequences.Good and Bad actions/decision.

User avatar
Cidz
Veteran
Posts: 458
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:50 pm
Completed: The Forgetful Kiwi [NanoReno 2012], Papercut [NanoReno 2013]
Projects: Words Within Our Hearts, Papercut [NanoReno 2013]
Organization: Starlight Melodies
Tumblr: starlightmelodies
Deviantart: cidthekitty
Location: California, USA
Contact:

Re: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)

#15 Post by Cidz » Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm

I just now played it very cute. Nice way to test out renpy and for your first VN. Once you get the hang of renpy more you should flesh out this story and make it a bit longer.

The drawings were cute and so were the CGs.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users