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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:22 pm
Posts: 42
Completed: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)
Hikari is a high school girl studying for her exams. Her life changes course when one day she falls asleep next to aquarium.
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Statistics:
The game contains 102 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 578 words,
for an average of 5.7 words per screen.

-2 Endings
-1 obtainable guy
-3 cgs
-My first VN O.O

Download Links


Windows: http://www.mediafire.com/?13n2nltn6vpovnp
Linux: http://www.mediafire.com/?cg0qqvvk4iqebii
Mac: http://www.mediafire.com/?4btpa7bntmp4b4u

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Pink Carnations (GXB Otome) Completed


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:06 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 8:59 pm
Posts: 3
I'll download this :)


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:44 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:03 pm
Posts: 300
Location: Ireland
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
I love the atmosphere, and how sweet a tale you created in such a short period of time!

That said, there were a few problems, the main one being bad grammar (Suicide is not a verb), and the fact that the dialogue feels a bit rushed.

Overall though, not bad. Especially for your first novel.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:58 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:37 am
Posts: 198
Location: Portugal
Congratulations on your first Visual Novel! I hope to see many more from you in the future.

I got both endings, yay! It was so short though ;~; !
I didn't know the guy liked pink carnations until it was mentioned in one ending... next time write more dialogue <3 !
Also, the backgrounds change very quickly, put "scene background_name with fade" on the Ren'py script to make the backgrounds change more slowly, it's more pleasing for the eyes ;) .

The design of the girl (Hikari) is very cute, I love her pink hair.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:42 pm 
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Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:22 pm
Posts: 42
Completed: Pink Carnations (GXB Otome)
@missdeathdaisy : :3 yay

@Desu_cake : >.< sowee since it was short i didnt have any grammer checkers..and stuff. And yes i admit it wuz rushed ;A; I will hopefully do better job on my second vn....(but i will have to improve mah bad drawing skillz first i think ;A;)

@Abeiramar : >.< sowee i rushed it , I will add more dialogue on my next game ;-;. And ty next time i will put transitions too :3 Aaand I am glad u like hikari's character art :'D (I rushed on kei's so...D: his character art looks weird ;-;)

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:27 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Desu_Cake wrote:
That said, there were a few problems, the main one being bad grammar (Suicide is not a verb), and the fact that the dialogue feels a bit rushed.


Desu_Cake: Please check your dictionary before you pass a comment like that. Suicide can be a verb too.

About the game: I downloaded and played the game but it wasn't what I expected. I did not like the story nor the grammar. But the CGI art was nice. If English isn't your first language, why don't you go to the market and buy some books about English grammar?

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:51 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:05 pm
Posts: 136
Location: England
Projects: secret!
Still, in everyday speech, if someone said 'to suicide' it would be considered extremely strange. It would be 'to commit suicide', or 'to attempt suicide' instead.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:55 am 
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Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Ris wrote:
Still, in everyday speech, if someone said 'to suicide' it would be considered extremely strange. It would be 'to commit suicide', or 'to attempt suicide' instead.


It may be "extremely strange" or "very very strange" but that's not what I am talking about here. I am saying that it's grammatically 100% correct. I am talking about grammar here, not the style of writing. If you don't believe me, look at one of the latest dictionaries.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:22 am 
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Location: England
Projects: secret!
Yeah, yeah, perfect grammar, we get it. A story can have perfect grammar and still flow horribly. It's about using the right speech for the situation.

As it was, Shioriemei, I thought the game was a cute way to test out how Ren'py can work! If you work on a longer story and find a proofreader, I think you could make something good! ^^ If you ever want anyone to check over your English for you in the future, I'd be more than happy to help, and I'm sure there are other people too~


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:58 am 
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Location: London, UK
I played it. The grammer wasn't the best, but the story was sweet, and the music fit the feel of the story really well. :D

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 2:13 pm 
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Location: Ireland
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
Wright1000 wrote:

Desu_Cake: Please check your dictionary before you pass a comment like that. Suicide can be a verb too.




No. No it can't. Suicide is a noun. "Commit suicide" is a phrase that can be looked on as a verb, but in no dictionary that I have seen has suicide been listed as a verb.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 2:32 pm 
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On the Grammar issue: Actually, suicide CAN be used as a verb.

Source: Merriam Webster (suicided, suiciding)

There's also a chart of verb forms: Conjugation website

It may not be formal yet, but I've seen people use the term as a verb before. "She's going to suicide!" "Don't go and suicide on your climbing expedition, now." are two ways I've seen it used.

Words are changing all the time. Heck, if you google the definition of suicide it'll come up with it as a noun and a verb, and the example it gives for the verb is as I've used it.

Quote:
verb 
suicided, past participle; suicided, past tense; suicides, 3rd person singular present; suiciding, present participle

Intentionally kill oneself
- he leaves the service and then suicides


Sooo yeah. It's a matter of taste and preference on what way you think a word should be used, but it's not correct to say they're doing it wrong.

On the game itself:

The Good:

The cursor was very pretty, as was the title screen.

Backgrounds are simple but nice.

Music also fits well.

The Bad:

Grammar and spelling. Needs work.

Story could use some fleshing out. It went very fast. Too fast to be very believable.


Not a bad first attempt. :)

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:02 pm 
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Location: Ireland
Projects: Secret, Secret and Secret
(Attempting to stop being so bloody-minded, so dropping the point on the technical side of things), suicide should never be used as a verb in literature. Anyway, I wouldn't really have noticed the suicide much at all, if it weren't mentioned so often. The dialogue really didn't seem to flow properly during that scene, and the use of suicide as a verb really wasn't helping.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:34 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:06 pm
Posts: 265
Location: USA, Michigan
:P Good job on your first novel.

Played it and it was cute. Nice music.
But you might want someone to proofread your next one if you do another just to get the small details in your writing.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:50 pm
Posts: 458
Location: California, USA
Completed: The Forgetful Kiwi [NanoReno 2012], Papercut [NanoReno 2013]
Projects: Words Within Our Hearts, Papercut [NanoReno 2013]
Organization: Starlight Melodies
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I just now played it very cute. Nice way to test out renpy and for your first VN. Once you get the hang of renpy more you should flesh out this story and make it a bit longer.

The drawings were cute and so were the CGs.

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