Street Girl

[applegirl]

I think your intentions and message got across very clearly in this short visual novel and I understand now why you didn't want to add a 3rd ending. In a way, it is better to be realistic and more reflective of what is going on in society. I was a reader who downloaded it and hoped that it wouldn't be an erotic story (and I was quite relieved that it wasn't). The music and writing had a disquieting effect on me personally as it felt very casual about the cruelty that was suggested (thereby making it feel more omnipresent). I must say, you always have very different kinds of visual novels. I always finish reading and wonder how I should feel-which is an interesting feeling to have at the end.

[Wright1000]

I think your intentions and message got across very clearly in this short visual novel and I understand now why you didn't want to add a 3rd ending.

Glad you think so. I thought I didn't do a great job in highlighting the child abuse but it seems I actually did.
I have put the new download link on the first post, along with a new screenshot.
I would like to caution that anyone looking for an erotic story may not enjoy this game because this game is not about sex but about humanity and human feelings.

[Starshine]

Victorita: Would you let your young teenaged daughter read this thing?

Teenage daughter? What about young teenage boys? Shouldn't they get the same consideration?[/quote]

Boys are different to girls when it comes to these kinds of things, i would know i have two older brothers and a younger one. But i agree with what you are saying they should get the same consideration.

[applegirl]

I really think there wouldn't be a debate if you all read the visual novel. Really, I saw nothing that was risque or even overly suggestive. In the past 5 years, I can't think of a single pg-13 movie/book that isn't more suggestive/risque than this visual novel by a long shot. I understand the description is throwing people off, but the actual visual novel is not what you'd think. I'd easily let any teenager (male or female) read this and feel perfectly fine. I'm convinced it should be rated under pg-13.

Ex: Twilight book series is recommended for ages 11-12.
Twilight is far, far more descriptive/risque/explicit than this visual novel. So by association, I think this visual novel is appropriate for ages 10 and older.

Not to derail an interesting point about recommendations/appropriateness in visual novels, but I think it's a shame to assume this visual novel is inappropriate based on a screen shot and a short blurb.

[dott.Piergiorgio]

please bear, it's only the usual request/reminder:

where is a -linux or -all version ?

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

[Applegate]

I've read this; it is indeed not a story I would consider inappropriate and question why people would label it as such without actually reading it. The reaction seems wholly inappropriate.

Wright: Your choice and handling of either topic you bring up here is poor, at best. You might want to rethink.

I believe it would be appropriate for anyone posting feedback to support why they feel that way: "your choice and handling is poor" isn't feedback Wright can use if you do not exemplify how his handling and choice are poor, and in what way he could improve on this subject matter.



On the story itself, I felt that the writing was still awkward in places, such as "Are you not hungry?". Naturally, I understand that you are not native to English, and I must commend you on improving in your writing so much. "Why am I so pathetic?" as a narrative question struck me as much better than when I looked over your writing pre-release, and I am glad to see you have managed to work those things into your writing.

The way you deal with the actual subject matter is... well, it's not entirely clear. Then, I haven't been able to get an ending beyond "Happily ever after" yet, so perhaps it is more clear in the other ending? It is unclear what the significance was of the meeting, nor why the girl was in trouble: the reader is made aware that she is unused to people treating her kindly, but the scope of it is too small to make a statement about "many people", it just talks about "one person" (her).

Could you perhaps explain what I may be missing here?

[Wright1000]

I believe it would be appropriate for anyone posting feedback to support why they feel that way: "your choice and handling is poor" isn't feedback Wright can use if you do not exemplify how his handling and choice are poor, and in what way he could improve on this subject matter.

Just ignore him.
That was obviously a troll.

The way you deal with the actual subject matter is... well, it's not entirely clear. Then, I haven't been able to get an ending beyond "Happily ever after" yet, so perhaps it is more clear in the other ending? It is unclear what the significance was of the meeting, nor why the girl was in trouble: the reader is made aware that she is unused to people treating her kindly, but the scope of it is too small to make a statement about "many people", it just talks about "one person" (her).

Could you perhaps explain what I may be missing here?

Of course I can.
I am sending you a pm with explanations.

[applegirl]

There was problem with the download link, so I can understand people having difficulty at first reading it. But now that it has been fixed, there's no point in derailing a thread about a visual novel when the commenter hasn't read the visual novel. It is easy to make assumptions based on the first post...I just hope people are as understanding if that happens to their own visual novel in the future.

I should also mention: I agree the writing was awkward but I excused that for 2 reasons: 1.) I knew the writer wasn't a native English speaker and 2.) The protagonist is awkward enough that he has to pay a woman for her services. Some of my friends who are extremely awkward would speak in a rather odd manner, so I thought it was realistic.

Also: I do think if you made longer visual novels, it would have greater impact. The more time I spent with the girl, the more sorry I felt for her (while hating how useless the main protagonist was). But I do understand there may be a message in keeping in short, one that I can respect. Nonetheless, I also do commend you for making a visual novel that would take on a possibly controversial and important topic. It was a nice change for me because I was very, very sick of reading generic OELVNs.

EDIT: I really do want to say, I don't think trolls or bad intentions was the problem. Just bad circumstance/easy assumptions that derailed this thread. But hopefully, that won't continue and more constructive and helpful comments will be made about this visual novel.

[Wright1000]

please bear, it's only the usual request/reminder:

where is a -linux or -all version ?

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

I'm a little busy these days. But that's not the main reason I didn't upload it.
Even if I upload a linux version, it will only receive one or two downloads and so the file will be deleted from 2shared by its administrators. Sadly, I can't do anything about it.

There was problem with the download link, so I can understand people having difficulty at first reading it. But now that it has been fixed, there's no point in derailing a thread about a visual novel when the commenter hasn't read the visual novel. It is easy to make assumptions based on the first post...I just hope people are as understanding if that happens to their own visual novel in the future.

I should also mention: I agree the writing was awkward but I excused that for 2 reasons: 1.) I knew the writer wasn't a native English speaker and 2.) The protagonist is awkward enough that he has to pay a woman for her services. Some of my friends who are extremely awkward would speak in a rather odd manner, so I thought it was realistic.

Also: I do think if you made longer visual novels, it would have greater impact. The more time I spent with the girl, the more sorry I felt for her (while hating how useless the main protagonist was). But I do understand there may be a message in keeping in short, one that I can respect. Nonetheless, I also do commend you for making a visual novel that would take on a possibly controversial and important topic. It was a nice change for me because I was very, very sick of reading generic OELVNs.

You're right about the protagonist.
And about me not making long VNs, here is my reason:
Making a visual novel is not easy. You need passion, determination, time to type, time to think the story, suitable artwork and so on and so forth.
Time is something I really lack. And, I've seen that most of the visual novels in the WIP thread hardly get completed.
So, instead of wasting my time on a VN that is probably never going to be completed, my choice is to just write a short story using free artwork and free music.
The shorter the VN, the lesser the time you take to finish it.
But, I am working on another visual novel, by the way. It has a playtime of around one hour. I've been working on it since December. It'll be released around the end of this month.

[dott.Piergiorgio]

please bear, it's only the usual request/reminder:
where is a -linux or -all version ?

I'm a little busy these days. But that's not the main reason I didn't upload it.
Even if I upload a linux version, it will only receive one or two downloads and so the file will be deleted from 2shared by its administrators. Sadly, I can't do anything about it.

If you don't have noticed, there are indeed an "or -all" part in my otherwise usual request/reminder

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

[Taleweaver]

Even if I upload a linux version, it will only receive one or two downloads and so the file will be deleted from 2shared by its administrators. Sadly, I can't do anything about it.

You can. Upload to download.com. Requires registration, but won't delete an *all version.

[Applegate]

I'm personally a fan of Mediafire, and in this matter I would advise Wright to upload an "all" version, bandwidth permitting. Every reader counts, and remember that word of mouth is one of the most powerful ways of advertisement one can get.

I actually went on and figured out how to get the second ending (no doubt thanks to a certain PM, heh heh) and I'd like to say that it's somewhat clearer, but not decisively indicative enough. I suppose if Wright is happy then it ends there, but since Wright said he wasn't sure if he'd raised it appropriately enough, I'd recommend adding an extra bit. Perhaps a post-story scriptum, author notes if you will, detailing what problem you have just highlighted and how you feel it deserves more attention. Sometimes, being bold and direct is a good way to bring your message across.

As a personal point, I'd really like it if you'd disable full screen functionality, or at least default to Windowed. Due to the low resolution nature of the work I don't think it adds much to play full screen.

[Wright1000]

please bear, it's only the usual request/reminder:
where is a -linux or -all version ?

I'm a little busy these days. But that's not the main reason I didn't upload it.
Even if I upload a linux version, it will only receive one or two downloads and so the file will be deleted from 2shared by its administrators. Sadly, I can't do anything about it.

If you don't have noticed, there are indeed an "or -all" part in my otherwise usual request/reminder

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

My next game "The Story of Isabel Claudia" will have an "all" version. So, don't worry.

Even if I upload a linux version, it will only receive one or two downloads and so the file will be deleted from 2shared by its administrators. Sadly, I can't do anything about it.

You can. Upload to download.com. Requires registration, but won't delete an *all version.

Currently, I'm hunting for the best uploading sites. One that does not delete links, one that does not show any advertisements and one that is fast and reliable.

I'm personally a fan of Mediafire, and in this matter I would advise Wright to upload an "all" version, bandwidth permitting. Every reader counts, and remember that word of mouth is one of the most powerful ways of advertisement one can get.

I actually went on and figured out how to get the second ending (no doubt thanks to a certain PM, heh heh) and I'd like to say that it's somewhat clearer, but not decisively indicative enough. I suppose if Wright is happy then it ends there, but since Wright said he wasn't sure if he'd raised it appropriately enough, I'd recommend adding an extra bit. Perhaps a post-story scriptum, author notes if you will, detailing what problem you have just highlighted and how you feel it deserves more attention. Sometimes, being bold and direct is a good way to bring your message across.

As a personal point, I'd really like it if you'd disable full screen functionality, or at least default to Windowed. Due to the low resolution nature of the work I don't think it adds much to play full screen.

Mediafire does remove download links. One of my past games was uploaded to Mediafire and a few months later, it was removed. Don't know the reason, though.
I always release my games with full screen as default. If that's inconvenient for you, go to the Preferences menu and click on "Windowed". That will surely help.

[Teleute]

Sorry but I seem to have some trouble downloading the game... Please help?