LONG POST IS LONG.
@Susanthecat: I'll probably make a sequel once I redo this one. I had a lot of fun trying to hint about their world, namely that
they live in a what's more or less a 'crapsack world', what with the mention of a second apocalypse and slavers running around.
And one of those 'tail end' conversations is based off something that really happened:
Derek managing to get toothpaste in his eye is from something that really happened to me. I somehow got toothpaste in my eye, and it buuurned. (But to my credit I was half-asleep)
@Anna: Thanks~ And yeah, I was designing Candace's character and at first thought, "Hm, she looks too normal; Susan's supposed the be the normal one. Welp, let's fix that!"
@awesomeautumn: Well, that's a second vote for Candace being funny. I at first was going to make it a VN (you know, with choices and stuff) but seeing as I was doing practically everything myself, I felt it worked out better this way. An gla that you liked it.
Auro-Cyanide wrote:First, congratulations on finishing Nanoreno. Goog job.
Secondly, bravo. I was chuckling through pretty much the whole thing. You have a gift for this type of humour. I really like how the characters acted, the storyline and the overall feel of the story. It also felt really natural, like you weren't really trying to make us laugh but more like you were presenting us with a set of characters that tend to set themselves up. They are like those funny friends who are always hilarious to be around just because they are so quick on their feet to make jokes about the current situation. So many of the lines were just perfect and the tone of voice of the characters was wonderful.
I was hoping it'd flow naturally. To me, it's not really funny if you can, you know, tell someone's trying to make you laugh. When I'm watching a comedy, I get annoyed if the humor is overdone, because it starts feeling forced after a certain point. As it stands, I tend to prefer movies with more deadpan/low-key humor. I also made an effort to make all the characters sound different, as I tend to notice when characters all talk the same. >x>
You have already addressed the narration confusion issue, so I'll leave that. I also caught some grammar errors, so if you want to know them I can send it to you.
Sure, that'd be really helpful!
You are on your way to developing quite a nice and unique graphic style. It needs tightening to reach the point where it feels just right, but it goes perfectly with this type of story and it's very original. Things you could work on is the strength of your forms, finding the right balance for them, you line work and your choice of colours. Some of them were just a weeeeeeee bit bright, like Candace's hair.
I kind of thought that about her hair; I'll make sure to use less blinding colors next time.
Or have someone help me with that, because I suck at it.
And yeah, my linework is still kind of WTF when I do it digitally. NOW, it's getting less so, but by the time it got even steadier, it's was the end of March. Though, should I keep the thick lines? I just have a weird personal preference for them, even though most people seem to prefer thinner ones.
The only other very minor thing I thought was that you used the word 'acerbic'. I had no idea what this word means, so it might be better to choose a more common word, like sour, especially since most of your script was written in a very relaxed and informal way. Same with shoggoth and empath, readers might not know what these are. It might be good to throw in an explanation somewhere like
...where the hell does she keep a 15 foot mound of slime monster?
, just to give people some clues about what you are talking about.
Yeah, I probably should watch what words I use. I have a tendency to read old books and things, and I'll end up using a word that's usually not that common.
And I totally didn't think of the whole 'what is a shoggoth/empath' thing; I'm used to reading a looot of work with things like that, so I might forget others may not realize (exactly) what it is. When I re-do, I'll at least actually have time to have someone tell me if I need to explain something.
Also, Becky's house is
bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, which is how she can fit things like shoggoths and sand worms.
^Which in-universe is highly illegal to do, but hey. >x>
Overall I really, really enjoyed reading the story and I especially enjoyed Susan's and Derek's interactions. And Derek in general. I really look forward to reading more of your stories!
I'd be lying if I said Derek wasn't a fun character to write. 8D And thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Cidz wrote:I just now finished this game. Very fun and ammusing! I loved the characters, for such a short story. I got a kick out of derrik and becky was cool too. i loved how susan was the "straight" one (as you put it in one of your posts). The story was simple yet felt complete. The expressions were awesome. oh and best of all it had a mongoose!
also i wasnt too confused on the susan narration/dialogue after a short bit i realized which was which lol. Well I'd like to see more stories involving these characters, but if not this one was really fun to play. congrats on finishing this game!
Thanks~. I'm still going to change the text box with I redo it, with possibly having a different one entirely for when it's just Susan narrating, and not actually 'talking'.
I agree with everyone that says that would be awesome another game with this characters.
My favorites were Derek(Lol he is a jerk, but I found his dialogues amusing) and Becky(I wanted to enter her home)
I admit I was concerned when they burned Candace s hair lol...She is going to die!!..Luckly she didnt ahaha
Of course Derek's solution to
dealing with Candace is "
KillAttack it with fire".
I'm sure we'd expect no less from him. I was also wanting him to be jerk, but not a total
jerk, which I seemingly pulled off.