Typing as I play through for the first time.
- Loved the opening page. The simple figure of the statue on black and the music loudly proclaimed to me that this was going to be good. Immediate impression: This is going to be an "artsy" piece. The blue roundrect theme seemed a little jarring, though. Perhaps you should consider changing the colour scheme to better fit the artistic style.
- Interesting use of transparent layers to show Andrew and the statue at the same time. The black background also focuses the images very nicely, and suggests internal monologue.
- Salesman: Excellent. I'll just but
it in a box for you.
- Salesman: Hmm... Looks like someone carved it in the base of the statue. (Suggest "into" instead of "in". Sounds slightly better.)
- I like the verbal play between Andrew and the Salesman.
- Naming the statue: Niiiiice.
I called her Eliza.
- Fadeout-to-black would have been better AFTER the last sentence of Andrew from that scene. (Andrew: Yeah thanks, I'll need it)
- I liked how you used a change in music and fadeout-and-in to indicate passage of time. Much better than "..." Suggest pausing a little longer at black to give a more definite impression of change, though.
- When Andrew talks about his problems after the six months, I feel a bit as though you're telling rather than showing the story at this point.
- Music is a bit glitchy. Also, it abruptly stops and starts again. A minor point, but perhaps you might want to think about how to smoothen the music in the second scene.
- Andrew is smiling when he talks about his disappointment and lost dreams of becoming a top mangaka like Yukito Kishiro or Hiromu Arakawa. Is this a resigned smile? It seemed a little strange, especially when there was a frowning sprite once the statue starts talking.
- Andrew:... and I could make him anyway
I want. "Anyway" should be two words.
- Chose "shy and quiet".
- Do something about the section beginning with "She seem to be the kind of person that when concentrates on something, forgets everything else." A little too long (so it breaks the standard box area), doesn't read well grammatically.
- Chose "arrogance". This is interesting, actually. I naturally assumed that "arrogance" would be more suited to the "loud and exuberant" personality, so I deliberately chose this instead of "envy" to see how you would deal with what appeared to be naturally-opposing personality traits.
- The third choice appears to be a choice about whether Victoria is conventional or not. Chose "root for the monsters"
- "Galatea". Ha! Gave me a good chuckle. However, you might want to consider renaming your save name points so that there are no spoilers as to the name. People are likely to save at the decision points, so they would already know the character is going to be called Victoria... whether they wish it or not. (And why does "Victoria" roll off the tongue more easily than Galatea?
- "apish" = "ape-ish", or "ape-like"
- I like the picture of Andrew holding the letter. I don't know why. I just do. Maybe it's his posture or expression or something.
- Ooh, a Victoria-otaku!
- Check the spelling of "Comicket". If I'm not mistaken, the second "c" isn't there. In any case, I found the change of backgrounds from pale pastel to bright and colourful a little jarring, but oh well.
- "on the newspaper or television" = "in
the newspaper or on
- "says a nice commentary" sounds weird. Perhaps "gives a nice commentary" or "says a nice comment"
- "walking on a land that does not exist" = "walking in
a land that does not exist"
- "How did I manage to find the courage to say that is a wonder to me even now" has a grammar issue. Suggest changing to "How I managed to find...."
- "from screaming to world how happy I was" = missing a "the"
- I liked the effect when you faded out to black and the statue said "I see..." It gave me the impression of the statue having quiet doubts. Don't know whether that was intentional, or whether it was just a coincidence that you wanted a change of scene there.
- "curiousness" = "curiosity"
- I like your sense of humour. (And those of your assistants, and editor, and parents, and the door-to-door salesman)
- I love that one part where Andrew closes his eyes and says "No". VERY good technique there. The timing is perfect, and the mood comes through clearly.
- "Even after nine months you can't trust her this one detail in your life." Missing a "with".
- "Her eyes alighted when she heard that." Should be "lighted", or "lit".
- "To make her different form
- Oh, I get the Venus Warriors reference now! I forgot about that.
- This statue is very sensible. Its opinion has a lot in common with my own views about the responsibility of creators to think about the effects their works have on their readers/society.
- Hubris and Nemesis just revealed themselves. Maybe I should have called the statue Pandora, instead.
- I like the moral dilemma Hubris and Nemesis present to the reader here. It's the first one I've seen in a ren'ai game that is portrayed so well and has such potential for conflicting opinions. I chose to destroy Victoria.
- "No you're too important to waste you
time on some insignificant creature such as I..."
- Ah, I got the Nemesis Ending. I liked it, though.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece a lot. I'm too exhausted to play through it a second time after all the commenting I did, but I really like your literary style and views. I have yet to see how the other paths are different from the one I chose and how that would change my opinion of the work as a whole, but this is a very excellent beginning first project! Hope to see more of your work in the future!
Now, off to try and get the other endings.
P.S. Proofread your original Pygmalion story extra. Spotted a typo or two.