The Spirit Of Disaster (Competition 2012)

[Funnyguts]

Ariana:
Summary: A meteorite lands outside a university. Student Clara goes to investigate and finds a girl with cat ears! Clara does the smart thing and leaves her alone. On her way back she trips on a tree root, breaks her ankle, and then gets hit on the head by a huge branch. Her body was found the next day.

Nah, not really. Clara takes the girl to her dorm. Clara's roommate Madison freaks out, and Clara explains that the girl's name is Ariana. How she knows that she's not sure. Ariana wakes up and freaks the girls out. Clara asks some questions and when it gets late enough for sleep, Clara offers to share her bed. (Or the floor. If this choice affects what can happen later, I didn't notice.) The next day, Clara is late for class! When she finally makes it, she discovers that she somehow got every question on her midterm wrong. Clara heads back to her dorm, and Ariana greets her and asks her about the poor grade-before Clara mentions it. Clara freaks out and accuses Ariana of causing her F. This annoys Ariana and a sudden burst of power blasts Clara against the wall, killing her.

Nah, not really. Clara asks about it politely, and Ariana simply says she 'knows things'. Clara doesn't press the issue, but Madison storms in wondering where her math book is. Ariana offers to leave while Madison is mad. Or she and Clara can stay in and chat.

If Clara decides to go out: Clara and Ariana meet at a cafe. The two talk, and Ariana asks what Clara thinks of her. Clara mentions something about falling from the sky, which upsets Ariana. Ariana reveals that she was kicked out of wherever she's from so she could spread disaster. Ariana claims that small disasters can prevent larger ones. The two spend some more time chatting and head home.

If Clara stays in: Clara and Ariana ask each other questions about each other, starting with why Clara didn't bother to leave Ariana in the woods. Clara said Ariana looked too helpless not to assist. Clara then asks a few questions of her own, until it's time for class.

The next day Clara goes by a walk for herself, but Ariana follows. Clara, a bit annoyed, asks when Ariana will leave. Ariana replies that Clara can choose. So Clara decides to send her back right this instant. Ariana says Clara must deal with the consequences, and vanishes. Clara returns to her room, and discovers... that Madison is dead!

Nah, not really. Clara says she doesn't want Ariana to leave, and so the two go out to a cafe (possibly again). Clara asks if Ariana is a test, and that if people fail it they or their loved ones die. Apparently this is exactly right, and Ariana is happy that someone finally worked it out. However, figuring it out means that it's time for Ariana to go, so the two head to the forest where they met. Ariana asks if Clara would be willing to come with her, so Ariana can stop doing these tests. Clara decides to stay, and Ariana accepts this. Ariana disappears, and Clara heads home to be with her best friend.

Nah, not really. Clara accepts Ariana's offer, and Clara admits that she loves Ariana. Clara tells her parents and then Madison that they're leaving. Clara and Ariana share a kiss, and the two lift into the sky.

Yes, really. (Note: From what I can tell you have to go to the cafe the first time in order to get this ending. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to get it if you stay inside.)

Characters: Madison is the only really interesting character in the bunch thanks to her constant exasperation. Clara and Ariana are kind of dull and don't have great chemistry. This is especially awkward in the romance end.

Things that stuck out: I can't think of anything in particular that really captured my thoughts.

Technical aspects: It was done well enough, but there were no turns of phrase that really caught my attention.

Limitations: Thanks to Ariana and Madison interacting, I wasn't nearly as annoyed as I was with extra characters, so that was well-done.

Uniqueness: I missed an ending my first time, so my assertion that Fairytales of Little Children was the only story with an explicitly lesbian disaster spirit is no longer correct.

Themes: Uh... Have tons of patience?

Overall: I thought it was half-baked. Everything was competently done, but nothing actually clicked. I don't understand the purpose of the test, I don't understand what it was that really made Clara and Ariana fall in love, and I don't get how Ariana's disasters actually helped anything.

[Funnyguts]

My Entry:
Summary: uh

well

uh

Characters: There certainly were characters. Fact: Lambert Lighthouse is the greatest name ever.

Things that stood out: Well, the trollishness of it all.

Technical aspects: It wouldn't be quite as amazing if it didn't screw this up.

Limitations: See above.

Uniqueness: I think this is the only story to have the spirit of disaster not be the girlsprite!

Overall: It's weird. It's funny at times, idiotic at others, and idiotically funny in between. I wouldn't consider this for top three, but there's at least one story I definitely like less than this one.

[CheeryMoya]

Umbra's Calling
... Short with branches, not too interesting. Some choices didn't impact anything and were there for slight narration changes, and even those were really minor. It's not memorable or anything extraordinary, to say the least.

How well is the story fleshed out? Do you have a clear sense of the setting and characters? How was that accomplished?
From the start it wasn't anything out of the ordinary in terms of what to be expected from the prompt. Umbra the catgirl fell from the sky and you (nameable protag) weren't supposed to see her. Depending on what you say you can either continue the game or get a pretty useless game over which is aptly named "Such a Bore." If you do continue, you take Umbra through the crowded streets to your place and can choose to play some music or not. After that, she sorta interviews you about your dreams and aspirations, and how she can't choose anything for herself. Free will and fate debate later, and there may or may not be a disaster.
It's all told in 2nd POV, and the pacing is... quick. You move from one subject to another quickly and after the first playthrough, it's a breeze through. Details are skimped out on and not fully expanded, and it left me feeling unsatisfied. The setting seems to be present-day Earth, with the Spirit World somewhere else, but it's nothing radically strange. Umbra didn't feel quite as characterized as I liked, and there was definitely room for more writing...

What sticks in your mind? What affects your emotions? Why and how?
... Yeah, I'm sorry but this story simply isn't memorable to me. The theme is being able to decide for yourself, but the execution was meh. It fell flat. There isn't much depth to the story that's yelling at me "hey! Good life lesson here!" It kinda just whispers it softly into my ear and then leaves. Get what I mean? :/

How does the technical presentation (code, music, transition effects, layout, so on) affect your experience of the story? For instance, slow text at dramatic points - effective? annoying?
Despite the fact they managed to add a screen with all the endings listed, the coding for the story was... basic. Nothing too special, but it wasn't bad. It just worked.

How well does the author make use of the limitations they were presented with in this competition - the prompt, the limited resources, etc?
I get the feeling that the author was severely limited by the prompt and resources and cobbled up a story to match it. The storyline's to be expected from the prompt, it's nothing special or noteworthy at all.

What similarities and differences do you see between entries?
Umbra's fully aware of what she's out to do but she's hesitant, just like Lila of Lonely Spirit. She's not as scared as Lila, but she wants out and she wants change. At the same time she knows she'd probably die (best ending you give her strength or something, that felt too convenient) if she challenged the status quo. Ket of Dhumaketu does like her job and looks forwards to blowing things up, but Umbra doesn't. I don't remember many mentions of Umbra being "ultra cute" so that might be a bonus.

Ugh, this entry isn't bad per se but I hope it's not the best there is to offer, or else I'd be sorely disappointed. I'd give it 6/10, no typos or errors that I caught. Rambles a bit, but there's worse.

[Anarchy]

Ugh, this entry isn't bad per se but I hope it's not the best there is to offer, or else I'd be sorely disappointed.

Nah, don't worry, I'd say it's one of the worst. I reviewed it earlier, so I won't go into detail here.

[jw2pfd]

So, I can see quite a bit of discussion has been going on!

The Golden Hound
It has already been noted in other reviews that there are quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes. There is no reason for me to continue to harp on it, but I agree with the other reviewers in that it can detract from the overall experience. I like the setting and character at the beginning of the story. The main character is trespassing in a remote area to do an astronomy assignment. This gave me a good idea of the main character going forward. I enjoyed the introduction of the spirit and the humor regarding the poker game. I liked the worship or underling of the spirit angle, but aside from the couple of "promotions" there wasn't much else done with this. I played through the game only once and I am unsure how much other choices might affect this.

After meeting the spirit, my character gets shot because she is trespassing. The next day she insists on going to school even though she had been shot and had no sleep. I don't mind the angle of a character trying to continue their routine in spite of extraordinary circumstances, but this seems a little extreme in my opinion. I like the author's use of the timeline screens. However, I remember every time shown was always a rounded hour: "4:00 A.M.", "6:00 A.M.", etc. I think it would have been more interesting to use times like "4:03 A.M.", "5:58 A.M.", and so on. This is just my opinion. Also, there was no music used that I remember. I don't know if it was intentional by the author or a matter of not having enough time before the deadline.

Falling
I like the author's use of what another reviewer called a "picture book" style page for some text. This has stood out from the other entries that I have played so far. The sprite's facial expressions changed at times with almost every line of dialogue and was done so with a dissolve each time. This was overused a little in my opinion. The story deals with death and mortality right up-front. This isn't the only story that focuses on the mortality of the main character, but this is the only story I've read so far where the character is established as having an expectation of an untimely death. This fits in nicely with the choices you make at the end. If you know you are going to die sooner than later, then what option do you choose regarding the fate of others? Well, obviously you pick the option where everyone gets wiped out. That's the option I picked during my one playthrough.

[Carassaurat]

Played 20, reviewed 10, I'll be getting there!

Balancing Act

Which one was that again: the one in which Garrett gets to make wishes!

I thought I'd write up my review for Balancing Act now, since it seems to have only gotten one so far, and I quite liked it. Auro-Cyanide makes some good points, however, that I by and large agree with, so there's no need to reiterate those.

The start is a bit crummy, in my opinion. There's a bit of talk about UppityFlapjack that establishes how little Garrett hasn't achieved much in his life, but it's not a particularly interesting detail and it doesn't actually get refered to at any furhter point. The forum profile details (I think?) aren't all relevant either. Neither of this is actually bad, but right at the beginning Act could use something better to get started and hook the player.
The writing improves gradually and it is actually pretty good. It's snappy and fun without going too far in that direction and becoming a full blown jokefest. It's perhaps fun more than funny, if that makes any sense; light hearted and with a quick sense of pacing that's a form of humour in itself.

A talk about Balancing Act needs to mention its choices. These are this novel's best and worst parts, if you ask me, and that's mostly to blame on their different nature. The very first choice is whether to pursue the falling star or to leave it be. The latter ends the VN a mere seven screens later, so there's very little point to this moment of choice. All it does is inform us that here, we have to be careful with our choices because they can have the severest of impacts. The very next one, however, is to choose between a six pack, better hair or perfect teeth, the result of which is mentioned a handful of times later on — and for that, I give my compliments — but it's essentially a meaningless choice. What to do with the boss, again a choice that doesn't structurally affect anything. Confidence/style/appeal determines which of the three endings you get when you wish away the law enforcement later on, I think, but I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, we've now had two insignificant choices and one seemingly insignificant choice in a row after a very significant choice, and the next ones are deceptively significant as well. Wishing away the law enforcement sets up one of the two Mr. Coworker or the suffocation ending, which ends the VN quickly. All the next ones too are very important. Wishing for fame gets the peace and quiet ending, wishing to go back in time adds another part, and from there on it's picking endings, I think. It's a complicated set of branches, that doesn't always signal what will be the result of your choice and whether that choice is actually meaningful. In the best case, that leads to me being surprised at there being multiple endings after wishing away the police (although the suffocation ending is the weakest and Mr. Coworker the strongest). In the worst case, you'll end up with an ending that's far worse than the others, or you'll play them in an order that isn't ideal. I think everyone ought to get the Mr. Coworker endings first and then one of the time travel endings. But it's easily possible to miss out on these, and you can easily miss out on entire sections of the game if you only play it once or twice, and that'd be a damn shame, moreso since the quality goes up as it goes further along. I'm not sure if the aforementioned difference in significance of choices is really a problem or if it has a solution. I could say that it'd be technically better to only condition the player to think of choices as meaningful when so many of them are, but I really did enjoy seeing the abs, hair and teeth referenced later on, and it gives a meaning to the wishing for the player too, allowing us to get a bit of feel for its arbitrariness and ease.

In all, I think Balancing Act is one of the best entries I've played so far; its problems lie with it being hard to grasp structurally, which means it might be hard to find or appreciate all of its best parts.

[Anarchy]

4Dimensional

Here's a random theory in response to Arowana's idea that the 676F64 is the creator god of all 4D beings. I do think that when Stein says "God", he is referring to 676F64, because he says "that person who was arguing with that girl", followed up with "you know who that person is"... "God".

In that case, are 4D beings somehow computer creations, and is 676F64 the scientist who created them, is what Arowana is asking. I have a somewhat different theory.

My idea is that 4D beings indeed do exist in their own right, and are technologically sufficient to the extent that they can create 3D avatars on earth. The catch here is that they can only simulate non-FWB humans, since the way they perceive the world precludes the very notion of freewill. They CAN, though, observe free will in motion, and decide to study it.

Notice that 676F64 is Subject 001 of Series 6. This implies that they've run 5 series of similar tests before, and that's when the casualties of non-FWB humans happened. But what about the FWBs that they tested? Is there any idea to suggest that FWBs survive the testing process with their mind intact? The spirit says something in the first run of this game, something along the lines of "as a FWB who's gone through testing with their emotional faculties and sanity relatively intact, would you like to comment on the experience?", which implies that there HAVE been FWBs who've suffered the same kind of side-effects that the non-FWBs have, which may mean that Subject 001 is one of the rare FWBs who, perhaps, have stronger mental/emotional resilience to testing. Taken in conjunction with what the spirit says at the end of the second run, "Time to go", which implies that she is taking Subject 001 with her somewhere, perhaps to the 4th dimension, all of this implies that the 4D experimenters took Subject 001 with them to conduct further tests, since s/he had strong free will and was more able than others to withstand the testing process. And since Stein refers to him/her as god, it's not too much of a stretch to conclude that the results of experimenting on Subject 001, were the results that were used to create free will emulators such as the FreeWill Media Player, the .YHWH file format, and maybe even MindOS itself, in order to let 4D beings function as FWBs, or at least a rough simulation thereof. More evidence for this is the fact that in the recording Seki shows Subject 001, there are no branching paths at all, suggesting that at that point even though they could emulate the experience of a 3D being, they could not emulate free will. It was after that, through experimenting on Subject 001, that they could finally grasp the godlike power of free will themselves.

To further build on my theory that the spirit took Subject 001 away to experiment on him/her, I also think there is the possibility that Subject 001 IS Stein, only so mentally damaged that s/he's lost the capacity for free will and needs MindOSiris to even function properly. There's the possibility the experimenters deliberately caused this in order to create the perfect "control" subject for their tests, but given that the FreeWill Media Player and so on have already been developed... it IS possible that they just want to continue wringing more data out of this test subject, though. In any case, this theory provides yet another possible motive for the hacking - Subject 001's memory is shot to hell from all the testing, and wants to find out who s/he is. An experimenter takes pity on Subject 001 - perhaps the woman who was screaming in the God ending? - and sends Subject 001 clues to his/her identity, but this is found out and hacked through by another experimenter monitoring the subject's MindOS. Thus all clues as to Subject 001's identity is stripped out, replaced by 676F64. This also explains why the hacker is so intent on creating "living a normal life on earth happy endings" for Subject 001 - the hacker wants to hide the fact that Subject 001 got taken away by the spirit, which would help Stein realize that s/he WAS Subject 001, and thus that s/he was once a free willed being. However, Stein does indeed realize that Subject 001 was taken away by the spirit - through the last line she utters before the video abruptly ends - "Time to go".

Notice that the diagnosis shows that Stein is likely to suffer from memcon, or memory consolidation problems if s/he downloads the file in which that revelation occurs. This refers to the process of creating new memories. The hacker, wanting to preserve at all costs the perception of Stein as a non-FWB for control purposes, corrupted it in such a way that if Stein found out the truth about him/herself, s/he would not be able to consolidate it into working memory, thus preserving Stein's identity as a non-FWB, which would ensure that Stein would still be a perfectly matched control subject to the free-willed Stein. Stein remembers, just for a flash, that the person is God, but not that that person is Stein him/herself, and then immediately blacks out. The fact that this ending is also corrupted suggests that this is an testing record of Stein, and that the hacker experimenter removed Stein's additional realization that "that other person = Stein", in order to prevent experimenter bias. They're most probably conducting a double-blind experiment in which one experimenter is in charge of recording the data, while others are in charge of interpreting the data. The idea that Stein was once a FWB might make researchers look at the data non-FWB Stein produces with a biased outlook, and thus must be eliminated from the experiment records.

Or something like that There are too many assumptions involved in that theory for it to really work, unfortunately, though I do think that's one way to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

There's also something that I'm not sure is significant or not...

676F64

6 6 6

666

Even without research, most people would probably get that it was a reference to the Devil, though Wikipedia tells me that in Kabbalistic Judaism, it also represents the creation and perfection of the world. The spirit also calls herself a demon when she first introduces herself, suggesting that if 4D people had a "god", it would be the Devil instead? It is a mystery~~

[rasburn]

The Golden Hound
The most obvious thing with this entry is all the spelling errors. This is a pity, because the author seems
to have had a pretty good plan for the game otherwise. The thing that annoyed me most was not the spelling mistakes, but the long and often
hard-to-read sentences. They made the pace of the story feel uneven. Important
details could fly by in a split second, so I found it hard to concentrate and follow the story. Something that could help in setting the mood and pace
would be to include music, but alas there was none. All of this combined made the reading feel more like work rather than having fun.

Some concrete examples of things that could be changed:

• The time delay for flashes showing the date and time is too short. I didn't have time to read them at first.
• Spelling errors and lack of punctuation in some parts. Example: "Your" instead of "you're". This happens A LOT.
• Very long sentences which should be split up. Example of long sentence: "First can you get me a wash cloth, there are some in the kitchen over there, run it under warm water."
• Some sentences seemed unnatural in the English language: For instance, "so I shifted making the form I use now."

At first I thought the author simply wasn't used to writing in English, but then I found enough simple spelling mistakes that seemed likely to just be carelessness. A hint would
be to get someone to proofread for you. Probably, the author was rushed to finish the entry.

This is an entry where I really wouldn't mind clicking more if the text would be more split up. Then it could be much easier to read, and important
information could be presented in a more clear manner.

Again, sound would be really useful in setting the mood, along with more sprites.
This story might also be a bit unsuited for this contest, and could perhaps stand better on its own with custom graphics and music. With all the plot twists
and mythological backstory this story feels a bit like a supernatural manga/anime. Maybe the story would work better with more sprites, intense music, and maybe some
action CGs.

How does this entry compare to the rest? It doesn't really stand out, because of its shortcomings.
It's a pity, because I feel there might be an interesting story and I feel the author may be enthusiastic about it.

[Anarchy]

Played 20, reviewed 10, I'll be getting there!

Balancing Act

In all, I think Balancing Act is one of the best entries I've played so far; its problems lie with it being hard to grasp structurally, which means it might be hard to find or appreciate all of its best parts.

Strangely enough, Balancing Act was not all that memorable to me when I played through it. Auro's comment below...

I wished the endings tied into this main theme instead of the 'be careful what you wish for' theme. It could have been amazing, but it fell short. I would recommend checking out the final ending of Hatoful Boyfriend of an example of tying multiple pieces together to create a more evolved whole.

... made me slightly curious as to what I had missed, and the way you echoed her finally convinced me to replay it to get more endings.

In the end, my final impression wasn't changed all that much. Perhaps because the additional endings I got all had to do with the "be careful what you wish for" theme? I agree with you that this entry had better writing than many others, but to me, it seemed to be a fairly typical, if not completely unoriginal take on a rather worn theme. It was executed well, and I did like the light, fun tone of it, but there was nothing about it that made me think that it was anything special.

And that's the problem of having a branching narrative, isn't it? It's easier to make a single, polished, well-structured linear narrative where every single thing in the story contributes to the overall experience, then to create a branching narrative where the reader's mind is blown away no matter which path you take. The more branches you have, the harder it is. It's much better, IMHO, to have a single tight, excellent narrative, than having branched narratives where certain paths lead to a much less satisfying experience than others.

In this case, even though I was actively looking for other endings, it seems that I didn't quite get the particular endings that Auro and Cass liked so much, like the time travelling thing, for example. A walkthrough would help in this regard, though the mere fact that you need a walkthrough to truly enjoy this VN shows that there's something deficient in the structure and storytelling of this VN.

So, bearing in mind that I'm still not quite sure what those other endings entail, I suggest that the author pare down the choices and combine paths in order to ensure the player does get those scenes that make this VN more than just another "be careful what you wish for" story. I think it would actually be even more hilarious if all those different "wish gone wrong" scenes were stacked on top of each other, so you get this rising action of the side-effects getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse until you reach the climax, whatever that may mean. I haven't 100%'d this VN, so I can't get more specific than that. I will say that I liked the suffocation ending as a scene, though it was incredibly abrupt as an ending - there were other endings that had that quality to them as well - and I think they would work well as part of a rising narrative, instead of just a random stop in the story.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't branch just because you feel like you need to branch. Have different versions of a scene? Choose the most exciting one and roll with it, or combine elements to make a single, even more vibrant scene. Linearity is not necessarily your enemy.

As of right now, this entry is hovering around the top ten mark in my personal rankings, just because of the competent writing. If it had put all of its delicious bits in a single narrative, instead of spreading them out so I missed them even when I was looking for them, it might've gotten a higher place on my list.

[Carassaurat]

Balancing Act

In this case, even though I was actively looking for other endings, it seems that I didn't quite get the particular endings that Auro and Cass liked so much, like the time travelling thing, for example. A walkthrough would help in this regard, though the mere fact that you need a walkthrough to truly enjoy this VN shows that there's something deficient in the structure and storytelling of this VN.

Wait, so you didn't even get to the time traveling part? When the work floor is empty, go for "No, thank you. I just wanna go home" -> "Those people died because of my wish!" -> "I wish to go back in time". Nobody should judge this game without having taken that route at least once.

[Anarchy]

The Golden Hound
It's a pity, because I feel there might be an interesting story and I feel the author may be enthusiastic about it.

Too enthusiastic by half, if you want my honest opinion. I get the strong feeling that the author had a very specific story s/he wanted to tell, and then just shoehorned it into the constraints of the prompt and assets, instead of working with the restrictions.

Also, the savage, mindless butchering of the English language just made me want to punch my eyes out.

Can I second rasburn's critique of long, run-on sentences? Take this line from the opening, for instance.

"Minor bursts of pain shoot up from where bone hit metal as I watch a fox snag a fat tomato right off its sagging vine."

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoah. Way too many details, way too fast. It's like watching somebody with ADD. You give us a description, and then immediately go gallivanting off in this direction and that direction and that direction... just calm down and focus on one thing before you transition into another.

It's a shame. I did like the more descriptive style of writing, the attention you paid to the various senses. You were a bit too enthusiastic about it though; just because you CAN describe something, doesn't mean you should. Pick and choose only the bits that you absolutely need to create the effect you want. As it is, the whole thing read like somebody just spewing their brains out on paper without turning a critical eye on it at all.

The only thing I remember and liked about this entry was the minion levels. Too bad they didn't go anywhere and just petered out after a while though. It would also have helped if there were other humorous elements that tied into that; as it is, those level up boxes seem out of place in what is generally a rather serious, "epic" story.

tl; dr: This whole thing needs a good, tight editing. Seriously.

Balancing Act
Wait, so you didn't even get to the time traveling part? When the work floor is empty, go for "No, thank you. I just wanna go home" -> "Those people died because of my wish!" -> "I wish to go back in time". Nobody should judge this game without having taken that route at least once.

See, the fact that you have to tell me that is part of the problem this VN has! *grumble grumble* Fine, fine, I'll go play that ending...

[Anarchy]

Balancing Act
Wait, so you didn't even get to the time traveling part? When the work floor is empty, go for "No, thank you. I just wanna go home" -> "Those people died because of my wish!" -> "I wish to go back in time". Nobody should judge this game without having taken that route at least once.

See, the fact that you have to tell me that is part of the problem this VN has! *grumble grumble* Fine, fine, I'll go play that ending...

...WHOAH. That... was certainly something.

Okay, that was really interesting... much more interesting than the "oh noes, now another wish has gone horribly wrong!" endings. The exposition felt rather clumsy and awkward at times, and the endings still had that abrupt quality to them, but I really, really liked how your previous choices, like choosing to have better hair and better pay, was reflected in this particular path. Author-san, I'm happy to announce that this work is now quite firmly in my top ten. Maybe the story should've automatically routed you to the time travelling route once you got to that point in the narrative, instead of it being a choice; I'm still bummed that readers are going to miss out on this particular route.

Is it possible to view the Mr. Coworker end from the other side, i.e. being the shooter instead of the shootee?

[akizakura]

Finally getting around to reading some of the entries.

It's All Your Fault

This was an interesting take on the prompt that was given. While I'm not a fan of second person perspective, it makes sense during the inner monologue with the subconscious. I liked how the author decided to use the Spirit of Disaster - I think it might have added a little more impact if their "time" together had been fleshed out - maybe we could have seen him being a gentleman for a bit longer? I also would have been interested in more information about his actual interactions with Elisabeth (or other females) - I thought his one line about being offended about a girl online gave me a lot of insight into his personality versus what the subconscious SAYS he is. Though I think the misogyny of the main character was meant to embellish his personality (and perhaps the type of people who fuss about "nice guys finish last" when they may not be a nice guy), it was still jarring for me to read. I think that was the intention, though, and the author pulled it off quite effectively.

How well is the story fleshed out? With the narration (from the character's subconsciousness?), the author is able to give us a lot of information about this character in a short period. We got all of the essential information. I think if the author wanted to make a longer version, certain scenes or plot ideas could be fleshed out to give them a more well-rounded meaning and to give the ending a sharper punch.

What sticks in your mind? THESE TERRIBLE WOMEN CREATURES, MAN! Seriously, while it's a bit disturbing, it immediately makes this protagonist more interesting. I don't like this guy. I don't WANT to like this guy. However, he definitely held my attention and I held out a shred of hope for him until the end. I think I might have liked a bit more closure. I think the second person perspective was interesting when coming from the subconscious, but as the protagonist, I felt like a bit was lost. I think it could have been just as effective had he been a typical self-insert protagonist (brotagonist? ...sorry, I'm done!) and the voice was inside his head.

Or maybe I'm just mad for getting yelled at by the inner voice for things I didn't do!

How does the technical presentation (code, music, transition effects, layout, so on) affect your experience of the story? The author (a Mr. Bottomhide, if I remember correctly), informed all of us upfront of his decision not to use music. I think it worked out just fine. There wasn't a lot done technically - but the author's major coding choice was effective. The thoughts of the subconscious are displayed in the center on a dark overlay. It effectively interrupts any "conversation" and works well.

How well does the author make use of the limitations they were presented with in this competition - the prompt, the limited resources, etc? I thought the idea of turning the "Spirit of Disaster" into an imaginary friend was an interesting take on the prompt. As was the idea of the aforementioned "disasters" actually being personal to the narrator.

The Face of Tragedy

I didn't expect to enjoy an entry with "Tragedy" in the title as much as I did. I thought it moved a bit quickly (she's been doing this for seven-hundred years and it's this brief contact that convinces her otherwise?), but I think it was very interesting. I like that the protagonist chose (in some endings) that, rather than fighting disaster, he/she would work towards encouraging the strength that can follow a disaster.

How well is the story fleshed out? We get the basic framework of a spirit "employee" and enough information through the different routes to understand how she operates. It may be interesting to flesh her out more (was she "alive" prior to being a spirit or are we talking about spirits as a separate race here? If she lived, who might she have been?) Fleshing out the protagonist might have also been interesting. They mention "some guys" and seem awfully willing to follow a spirit, but otherwise it's easy to read as this protagonist.

What sticks in your mind? I liked the upbeat endings and thought the music and graphics were effectively used.

How does the technical presentation (code, music, transition effects, layout, so on) affect your experience of the story? Again, I think the author made good use of the music and graphics. There were some branching paths and a decent amount of interactivity throughout.

How well does the author make use of the limitations they were presented with in this competition - the prompt, the limited resources, etc? I liked how the author showed the upside of disaster. While they stuck closer to the premise than the last entry I read, I still think it was entertaining. I would have been interested in more expansion on the spirit, but it was an interesting interpretation.

[Carassaurat]

Balancing Act

...WHOAH. That... was certainly something.

Yeah, that's the main issue I was trying to get across in my review — this is some of the best use of choice I've ever seen, but at the same time also the most troublesome and you have to luck into the right ones and perhaps in the right order. On one of my first playthroughs, I got the Mr. Coworker ending, and I was baffled at what had just happened. Then, on a subsequent one I got to the time traveling part and suddenly that other playthrough made perfect sense! Having the different times you play it connect to each other like that is very clever... but the amount of choices and their difference in nature also make it easy to miss out on the best half of the VN. I also think the image of Garrett living back up to the present sporting a beard and tired eyes and as an ever more hollow man while Other Garrett starts finding stardom out of nowhere is one of the more striking images this competition has delivered so far. Balacing Act isn't the most ambitious or the most well executed or the most poignant entry, but it is clever, if you ask me.

[Anarchy]

Balancing Act

...WHOAH. That... was certainly something.

Yeah, that's the main issue I was trying to get across in my review — this is some of the best use of choice I've ever seen, but at the same time also the most troublesome and you have to luck into the right ones and perhaps in the right order. On one of my first playthroughs, I got the Mr. Coworker ending, and I was baffled at what had just happened. Then, on a subsequent one I got to the time traveling part and suddenly that other playthrough made perfect sense! Having the different times you play it connect to each other like that is very clever... but the amount of choices and their difference in nature also make it easy to miss out on the best half of the VN. I also think the image of Garrett living back up to the present sporting a beard and tired eyes and as an ever more hollow man while Other Garrett starts finding stardom out of nowhere is one of the more striking images this competition has delivered so far. Balacing Act isn't the most ambitious or the most well executed or the most poignant entry, but it is clever, if you ask me.

(•_•)
I guess you could say that it isn't all that well...

( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
...balanced.

I'm so sorry

*cough* Anyway, I do agree with you. I do think that it's ideal to go through the Mr. Coworker ending first before the time travelling end, though I can't think of a good way to implement this structurally... hang on, let me think.

The best part of the choices was the fact that they were reflected in the time-travelling ending - it was a really striking moment when I saw them and everything just fell into place. That means we should definitely keep those seemingly superficial choices - well, they ARE superficial in the end, but the way they're implemented isn't, if that makes sense.

The best part of Mr. Coworker end is that you're confused and don't understand what's going on... and then you play the time-traveler ending and it makes complete sense. Though I'd miss the finality of being actually killed by Mr. Coworker without understanding anything, it might make better sense to work the Older Garrett tries to stop Younger Garrett element into the main storyline itself, instead of having it be just hinted at and hidden away in one of many different endings. There are other ways for Mr. Coworker to interfere with Younger Garrett without using a gun; there could be potential for comical shenanigans as well as Mr. Coworker tries to stop him. Now, with Mr. Coworker's weird, confusing behavior being an integral part of the main narrative, any version of the time travelling path will have that emotional payoff that you wouldn't have if you hadn't gotten the Mr. Coworker end before it. That's why the time travelling should also be part of the main storyline, instead of being hidden away on a branching path. And then after that, you can still have those branches that lead to different endings.

So the final structure should look like this:

superficial choices -> main storyline reworked to include Mr. Coworker -> more superficial choices -> interesting time travel storyline where the superficial choices pay off -> branching into different endings

That really is one of the best uses of choices in a VN, I think. The difference is merely "superficial", so no matter what you choose, you still get the emotional payoff when you see YOUR choice reflected in the narrative. It creates a strong sense of agency, even though you don't actually change anything. I'm impressed.

Thanks for convincing me to give it another try, by the way. I would've totally forgotten about it otherwise, haha!