The Spirit Of Disaster (Competition 2012)

[Carassaurat]

Falling

Which one was that again: the one in which terminal patient Matthew gets to decide whether or how the disaster to his town happens.

As other reviewers, I like the sideways text. Not just because it's like a 'picture book,' but also functionally. It allowed the author to write the narration with a bit more length and flair — in exactly the same way that For Stellie can also get get away with its prose because it too uses nvl — and I quite like these bits of text. There's also something nice about how they can break the flow of the text to make the reflection of the narration stand out more. I also agree with other reviewers that the descriptive narration in the text boxes below isn't necessary and even a tad jarring. The spirit's emotions should be easily seen from the sprite, and I don't think the little actions that Matthew or his mother make really add all that much to their dialogue; they never actually convey anything that isn't clear by their lines.

I feel things need to be said about the choices in Falling. The VN starts off with a rather lengthy introduction, explaining who Matthew is and what his view on death is, and who the spirit Destruction is and what she comes to do. I'll admit that my first thought on reading of Matthew's illness was a fear of another Katawa Shoujo or Narcissu, but I think Falling is redeemed in two ways here: firstly, the terminal illness gives Matthew a chance to speak his mind on death well before the spirit of disaster brings it up. We've got potential for character growth here as the initial view can be compared to the one after Destruction actually threatens to bring mayhem. Secondly, the protagonist's reaction is bitter. Yeah, we've all had angsty before, but we're dealing with a downright dislikeable protagonist here. Matthew is a versatile character in that he's not really a bad guy in the end, but he can be a bit of an unreasonable dick in his bad moments. And that's useful for the choices that we're given later on, since they cover a great range of options, from very nice to very dickish. It's not perfect; the spitefulness isn't explored a whole lot further in the novel, even in the 'evil' options. It isn't reflected in all the endings, and you could argue that the sacrifice ending — probably the best one, for its amount of content and the way it actually has meaningful interaction between Matthew and Destruction — doesn't actually need the terminal illness background at all! Furthermore, there's little or no person-specific detail that makes either character an individual instead of a type.

Falling devotes a lot of attention to exposition from the moment the spirit of disaster arrives on the scene; we're told about the difference between spirits and ghosts, about the nice place and the bad place, the rules that govern where you go, the process of getting to work with a spirit of disaster, the process to becoming a spirit of disaster... it's a lot. There's a whole concept of destruction and of the afterlife worked out and quite frankly, I personally didn't think it was all that interesting.

What I did like was that the author went with the endings full on; the amount of choices we're offered is more than generous, and some are well worked out. A nice, but easily overlooked detail, for example, is the ability to name an alternate city to be destroyed. This wasn't a necessary option at all, but it gets as much screen time as any other branch and it had me grinning. It's worth playing all branches just to see what they're up to. There's maybe a discrepancy between the angsty, serious introduction and the options, which turn out to be a whole lot more fun, depending on which on you pick. It's good, but the style in which it's good in inconsistent.

Falling is also on the sloppy side of typing. I think 'nineteen' misses an e on multiple occassions and there are several times when there's no space after a set of periods. It's not really a problem, but it gives the idea of a rush job, even when effort clearly went into stuff like the nvl box.

Nitpick: the spirit has no text box until she gets a name, which is a bit confusing since that usually means inner monologue. Well, it may not even be confusing here, since it's pretty obvious who says what, it's a break of style, perhaps.

The above maybe sounds a pinch more negative than I am about Falling; Anarchy already covered its strengths enthusiastically and in-depth and I agree with what she wrote. It's a good entry, it's well written, I enjoyed playing through all of its endings. But it doesn't take many risks and while it's never extremely bad it's never extremely good either. It can get a bit lost in a cosmos of choice and consequence and forgets to really flesh out its characters. But it's good.

Tip: try reading Destruction with a really thick Southern US accent, it works pretty well with her first lines.

[CheeryMoya]

Balancing Act
This fits the bill of what I was expecting from the prompt, and it's not anything spectacular either. You're a voice actor and the Spirit comes to save the day, or ruin it rather. There's timetraveling involved and a whole lot of "sudden revelations," but they aren't executed well enough. Programming and use of music is standard, not bad but nothing special either. This is really just your standard entry. No pathos, nothing memorable.

Sacrifice
Yeah... did the author forget about backgrounds? Too many scenes where it was complete black. A scene where he's in his apartment? Black. Scene where he's walking outside? Sure there were floods, but there was one part where a background could have been used. Despite that, the writing was more solid than some of the entries; the bit that's there, that is. When the Demon was explaining that giving a life and taking a life were two different things, I genuinely shivered a bit. However, it felt like the story was cut off abruptly because the action seemed too rushed after the Spirit/Demon tells Matthew that he has to kill himself. Programming and the use of music could have used some work, and in fact the entry feels like a rush job. If there was a bit more expansion to it, it would have been up near my top picks.

[Carassaurat]

Anniversaries, Adversity and Pepper

Which one was that again: the one in which the spirit Pepper has been bringing bad luck to the protagonist for a year.

I won't find the time to review all the entries before Papillon closes everything up, so selectivity is needed. Anniversaries, Adversity and Pepper was highest on the list of entries that I thought deserved another look at, partially because it has received only 4 reviews as of writing. Not that I have many new thoughts to add, but it's one of the better entries.

I like its writing. It's not the most beautiful prose we've seen in the contest, but it can be remarkably effective by saying the right things at the right time. The opening line, “Meet me on the old street South of here. You know which one!” is one that's pretty good at grabbing attention. And already in the second paragraph we've got blood! Previous reviewers have complained of an info-dump, but while the information density is indeed high in the beginning, I think Anniversaries does pretty well considering how much information it has to convey and how much it also says about the characters at the same time. Pepper's moon origins, for example, aren't mentioned in the first nvl screen, but await until we've actually had her introduced to us, so the backstory can be connected to her character. It's also well written in a visual sense; the mobile is described and frequently mentioned and it's that bit of detail that allowed me to easily visualise her and imagine the whole thing in motion, instead of as static VN sprites. Pepper's walking or her manner of grabbing the protagonist's arm establish her as a character in ways that words can't always, but they do perfectly complement her manner of speech and the things she says. In conjuring images, I think, Anniversaries is second to none in this competition. Lastly, I just played through the love ending, and its final line was just charming and very well done.

The retrospective structure is clever. It allows the present to change its intention and tone depending on the choices the player makes, while the past stays the same and doesn't need to be rewritten. It also works to pile layers of misery on the protagonist, and behind the lines it's easy to imagine more having happened than we're being told about. The result is that it facilitates the extreme natures of the choices a bit better — though the murder and love endings are still unbelievable, in my opinion. You can argue that it's a case of telling, rather than showing the disasters, but this allows the present to maintain its focus on intercharacter relationships and moves the wackier, more event driven parts of the story into the past where they can do no harm to the flow or mood.

I also like the story set-up, using the same structure for a handful of different stories with radically different outcomes that flow from the story as it was set up in the first minutes. It works surprisingly well, even if some endings are, as mentioned, a tad on the extreme side.

Two nitpicks that need to be adressed before I write the final bit: the use of pauses in the text is a bit annoying, and it makes it hard to roll back. Secondly, there is sometimes a lot of text in a text box; at one point I counted 7 lines! Okay, that does make it easy to LP.

When I first played Anniversaries, I wrote down in my note sheet that it was “competent”, that is, it does nothing wrong, it's very enjoyable, but it does nothing particularly well either. A few weeks later, I think that wasn't an entirely fair assessment; some of its scenes are so easily visualisable that I remembered them even as I forgot the gist of other entries entirely, and the writing can be more clever than I gave it credit for. But it's not an entry that shouldn't be criticised. The problem is that while Anniversaries sets up several different stories, it never really gets the chance to fully develop any of them as much as the entries that do put all their focus into one alley. Furthermore, the endings are never very deep, it's always a bit of a surface exploration of the themes.

Overall, I think Anniversaries, Adversity and Pepper is one of the best entries. I'll be honest, it's not going to be in my top three choices, but it'd be a nominee if there were such things. It's well done, and requires more skill and thought than people might give it credit for to pull off the things that it does pull off, but isn't quite top material because none of the stories it tells are particularly memorable as stories.

[Mink]

Don't ask where I've been, don't want to talk about it. 8|

Anyway:
Nostagia, the Dead Child
Summary: Amnesiac ghost with a sociopathic sister
Thoughts: I like this one, though I agree with Moya that there were too many characters for what you had. If anything really stuck out to me, it's if Sachina apparently have cat ears is a normal thing in this setting, since it's never commented on. I also think without the word limit (maybe) it could have been better, like seeing how the parents treat Sachina, and her perceived 'bullying'.

Balancing Act:
Summary: Dude meets a genie and terrible events ensue
Thoughts: I don't know why, but this entry amused me, even if it's a pretty basic 'be careful what you wish for' story. From the endings I got, there doesn't seem to be a way to prevent what happens, or fix it, so maybe it's a message of how if you screw things up, don't obsess over the past, but live for the future (because of that one ending; the one's name I can't remember right now).

I have no idea if it's actually meant to be that deep.

Also, I love how the guy's first thought is that the spirit is someone's little sister running around in cosplay.

Fairytales for Innocent Children:
Summary: Kid(?) meets suicidal girl in a forest
Thoughts: Hm, I don't know what to say that no one else has. I like it, but I think the spirit ("spirit") was kind of inconsistent. Like, she's being a total jerk, but then really nice to the kid. Maybe because it seemed kind of short; I think if it had been longer, it would have benefited from more characterization and interactions between the two characters.

[papillon]

ONE DAY REMAINS FOR DEBATE

Tomorrow I'll start taking votes. My intention atm is for you guys to PM me your ranked top-3. I will weight the votes so a first-place gets more benefit, but I won't be weighting them very strongly. Probable scoring: 5 points for a 1 vote, 4 points for a 2 vote, 3 points for a 3 vote.

[LieselSolo]

Okay, these are the last two I'm going to review, but I WILL play all of them before voting.

"Meaning"

Eh, this one didn't grab me, (I'll leave the "no menus" thing alone since I've said that so many times) mainly because it's too short. Okay, the protagonist Melissa has the "you live and then you die, life's meaningless" attitude, but we don't really see a reason behind her beliefs. She's bored with her schoolwork, but what else? She doesn't have much characterization at all. And why doesn't the spirit have a name? Does she not remember he name from when she was alive or what? Plus, Melissa suddenly being aware of the background music came out of nowhere and threw me out of the story. Several entries seem to have had come-out-of-nowhere fourth-wall breaking that didn't work. The only entry so far that used fourth-wall breaking well was Outlook of Spirit Commission, and I think that was because it didn't pretend to be anything other than a humor story. This one was trying to be serious.

The whole moral of "live your life to the fullest" has been done and done a lot and this story didn't really offer much substance to that moral. I mean, the "Vale" idea was interesting and the idea of the spirit being a ghost of a little girl had potential, but the author didn't do enough with either idea. Melissa just basically decides, "Okay, I'm going to live my life now" without much evolution in her character. It could have been a great story if it had been made longer.

"Anniversaries, Adversity, and Pepper"

First off, the tense changed around way to much. It went from past to present to past again over and over and over. Sometimes blending past and present tense can be accomplished artistically, but it takes an awful lot of skill to pull it off and nine times out of ten a story reads better when kept in one tense. This would be one of those nine.

I like the idea of the spirit being cursed by the mobile. This is the only entry I've read so far that actually included a good explanation for the mobile - most of the others either cropped the mobile off or passed it off as a joke. I also enjoyed Pepper's backstory of her life on the moon, although her constant stuttering started to get on my nerves. However, the protagonist didn't seem to have much characterization. The use of retrospect meant we didn't see the disasters that were caused, and some of the conversations were really obviously exposition conversations. It felt pretty self-conscious for the characters to be talking about their past escapades in that manner. Plus, since we don't actually see the disasters, the "I must kill her" storyline REALLY felt out of place. The protagonist really didn't seem properly motivated to want to murder her (especially since in another branch he realizes he's in love with her).

[Carassaurat]

ONE DAY REMAINS FOR DEBATE

I hope I can cram out one last review tomorrow! I write so s-l-o-w-l-y. In the mean time:

For Stellie

Which one was that again: the one in which shooting star Stellie tells a professor to make a wish.

The mysterious random order generator decided that For Stellie would be the last entry on my list, and thus the last to be played. I could hardly have asked for a better ending to the list of entries. For Stellie is the triumph of craftsmanship — in a way, perhaps, it's the triumph of craftmanship over having a really good story. The whole narrative, when taken in from a distance, isn't particularly interesting. The teacher learns to follow his dreams because Stellie tells him to and they play outside for a bit, it's hardly a novel or memorable pitch. But this entry pulls it off with verve. The visuals, as mentioned by others, are very distinctive and they perfectly accommodate the nvl, allowing it to be a best of both worlds. Stellie's expressions may not catch as much attention as a full frontal image would, but I don't think that's really necessary in this case. I particularly like how Stellie's lines are written in white to distinguish them from the other text. The prose is, I think, the best in the competition. It tries too hard sometimes and it doesn't try hard enough at others, but it's still remarkably consistent. If For Stellie errs in any of its writing, it's because it aims as high as it does. Personally I read Stellie's lines in the most British English accents I could imagine; I can't explain exactly why, but it did really help for me to establish her as a voice. In the same way that I can see the events of Anniversaries before me, I can practically hear this entry. Another thing that's worth praising is that this entry spends very little time on exposition of the nature of falling stars. Other entries are often eager to answer any question we may or may not have about spirits of disaster and develop a set of rules and sometimes an entire bureaucracy. For Stellie is allows iself to raise more questions than it answers, confident that the emotional message is all we need. Everything, from writing to story to art contributes to a fairy tale charm all over it that makes it stand out from a bunch of entries that have not too dissimilar structures.

If I have to criticise it, I think the coffee scene drags on too long, and while I understand that it serves a purpose to show the character and why his environment is so hellish, it demands a lot of attention to the irrelevant theme of coffee. Also, in my experience, university professors can often take their sweet time to read exams, so the hurry is not entirely believable .

It's always hard to write things about entries like these, in my opinion, because they pull of what they want to do well. For Stellie is not quite as impeccable as Outlook of Spirit Commission is, but this, too, is one of those entries in which the author gets his or her vision across nigh perfectly and everything that isn't being transmitted was never meant to be. It's not a life changer, but it is one of my favourites in this competition.

[Anarchy]

Anniversaries, Adversity and PepperIt's also well written in a visual sense; the mobile is described and frequently mentioned and it's that bit of detail that allowed me to easily visualise her and imagine the whole thing in motion, instead of as static VN sprites. Pepper's walking or her manner of grabbing the protagonist's arm establish her as a character in ways that words can't always, but they do perfectly complement her manner of speech and the things she says. In conjuring images, I think, Anniversaries is second to none in this competition.

This isn't a review, or even about this entry in particular, but I just wanted to respond to the idea of visual writing that you brought up. It's an issue that I've been struggling with lately, because although the kind of visualization you mention is of course, often desirable in regular prose, I don't necessarily think that the standards we apply to that medium can be carry over to the VN medium. Of course, it depends on the style and feel you're going for, and the story you want to tell (For Stellie, for example, is a perfect example of how this kind of writing can work, and work gorgeously), but in general, it seems to me that in a visual medium like this, the burden of letting the audience visualize stuff should fall on the artist or the art director.

Just look at the Phoenix Wright games, for example. Minimal descriptive writing, tons and tons of dialogue (and interior monologue), but the sprites are so animated and dynamic you can really visualize what's going on. The characters are characterized through their sprites and animations, not through words describing what they do and so on.

Another example is clua's The Knife of the Traitor. Again, huge focus on dialogue (with some thoughts now and then), but the characters are incredibly vibrant and you can visualize what's going on perfectly because of the creative variation of sprites - not as animated as Phoenix Wright, of course, but still you get some very striking images because of the sprites.

Not that all VNs have to go that route, of course, but I'm just wondering if VNs should start leaning towards a more minimalistic scriptwriting approach, where the burden of characterization lies on the dialogue AND the visual elements, while trying to eliminate interior monologue and more visual writing (which is great in prose but seems redundant in a visual medium). Because what you said about the writing in AAaP helping you visualize stuff shouldn't have been necessary if the sprites were more animated and expressive. Not that visual writing is bad, it's just that if you're going to do that, why not just straight up write a regular book? Or a regular CYOA story with illustrations? And in a contest that's all about writing for VNs, should we reward this kind of writing, which might not be the "best" kind of writing for this particular medium?

Just throwing this out there for discussion purposes.

[papillon]

VOTING NOTES

You are allowed to vote for your own game if you want to, but you certainly don't have to.
You can publicly declare your votes in the thread if you want to, but you certainly don't have to.
However, if you DO publicly vote in the thread, that will override anything you PM me. You can't claim to vote one way here but vote another way in secret. If you change your mind, you'll have to do so in public.
You can tell me or others why you picked what you picked if you want to, but you certainly don't have to.

Please still keep your anonymous secrets! No revealing what you wrote until the voting is done.

I will be taking votes through the weekend. I figure by Monday should give people enough time?

[Carassaurat]

Anniversaries, Adversity and Pepper

snip

The author of Anniversaries, Adversity and Pepper has taken his or her resources into account very well, though. Cobblestone road, it's a plot point, a farm, it's an important plot point, spirit has a mobile, let's use it! It seems to me that the author first looked very carefully at the resources that Papillon provided and wrote a story around those, which might explain why it never really surprises or thinks out of the box, but it does make it fit. He or she is also capable enough to describe only those things that aren't actually visible. As I think more about this entry, I'm more impressed with the way it handles things. I understand, and share, you concern, but this particular entry is just good at using what's available, which, in this case, was not much on the visual side of things. Part of my praise for the visual writing for this entry is in its inventiveness, to be sure; if the mobile actually visible dangled and actually made noise, I'd surely love that better than a little description of it! But that's not possible in this competition and the author made most of what he or she had. The question then shifts to whether it's useful to have a visual novel competition that's about writing only, when writing in a VN can't be seen seperately from art (or shouldn't be, to achieve full potential).

And I wonder: will we ever be able to show a character's manner of walking in a visual novel? Wouldn't they be trending towards movies at that point? For all their visual worth, Phoenix Wright and The Knife of the Traitor only show gestures, but not movement.

[OokamiKasumi]

... the idea of visual writing... It's an issue that I've been struggling with lately, because although the kind of visualization [mentioned] is of course, often desirable in regular prose, I don't necessarily think that the standards we apply to that medium can be carry over to the VN medium. Of course, it depends on the style and feel you're going for, and the story you want to tell (For Stellie, for example, is a perfect example of how this kind of writing can work, and work gorgeously), but in general, it seems to me that in a visual medium like this, the burden of letting the audience visualize stuff should fall on the artist or the art director.

I honestly think it depends on how reliable/expressive the visuals are.
-- If you do have the appropriate images for a scene, then descriptive writing could be considered over-kill.

Unfortunately, some of us just don't have the budget to commission, or drawing skill to make CGs and/or sprites for every single action sequence in a story. Does this mean we shouldn't bother making visual novels with action scenes we don't have images for? I don't think so.

However, sprites with static body-language, (and/or costumes,) yet multiple expressions just aren't enough to convey what's happening in some scenes; such as a chase, or a sex scene, or a fight. Strictly dialogue simply does not work in such scenes, (I don't care how many sound effects the character vocalizes.)

What to do about scenes one doesn't have images for is a common limitation for creators with small budgets and/or minimal artistic skill, but it's a limitation Writing can easily make up for. You just have to be a little creative when dealing with the wall (or pages) of text one often needs to describe a whole scene.

My way of dealing with scenes that I don't have CGs or appropriate sprites for is by using side sprites and/or static images and putting highly descriptive text in a NVL mode box, but that's me.

[Mink]

My way of dealing with scenes that I don't have CGs or appropriate sprites for is by using side sprites and/or static images and putting highly descriptive text in a NVL mode box, but that's me.

The only problem I could see with doing that is someone who's not careful may run the risk of being verbose, which is a pet-peeve of mine. :/ Though I guess that's what editors are for.

[OokamiKasumi]

My way of dealing with scenes that I don't have CGs or appropriate sprites for is by using side sprites and/or static images and putting highly descriptive text in a NVL mode box, but that's me.

The only problem I could see with doing that is someone who's not careful may run the risk of being verbose, which is a pet-peeve of mine. :/ Though I guess that's what editors are for.

That's exactly what editors --and proof-readers-- are for.
-- The trick is to keep the writing tight. Only describe what is actually needed to show what's happening and keep the introspection; the characters' inner thoughts, to an absolute minimum.

From what I've seen, it's usually the introspection sequences that tend to get verbose, not the action scenes.

[LieselSolo]

Okay, I FINALLY played all the entries. Some were good, most were mediocre, a few were bad, but they were all interesting in one way or another. It was fun seeing how different people used the prompt. I hope there's another contest like this sometime (though preferably with more than one characters sprite).

[Daggio]

I had 4 more to go, but I'm sure I can finish them all before the day ends