[Adventure][Education] Tour de Pharmacy (PC and Android)

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squark
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Re: [Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#16 Post by squark »

Two days isn't enough, and typing in a different dialect isn't easy.
I did the best I could though. If I had more time, I'd have given it an in-depth going over just to be safe (although I was sure I didn't miss anything).

Sorry for the remaining mistakes, Tiya.
Anna wrote: 1. That's right, I just wandering around and.... (grammar)
2. ...unexpectedly come to this place (weird sentence and missing period)
3. How can I forget that moment? (how could)
4. His mind is hard to guess. (weird sentence)
5. I don't know why, I feel so happy when I heard about he is as the same year as me. (many grammar problems here)
6. Maybe because I get new friend from the other faculty, eh? (again grammar)
7. and he is pretty cool guy (grammar, just add "a" between "is" and "pretty")
You make it sound like I was being lazy. I had next to no time and everything had to be done while I was already tired (I had a few other obligations at that time, but wanted to keep my mind working). I actually can do a better job, though sometimes I couldn't be sure what the sentence was trying to tell me.
1: I could have just left out the I.
2: I took the dialogue as more conversational and less formal, but I did miss a period.
3: Yep, I see that.
4: It's not THAT weird. And it's not really an error as "weird sentence" is an OPINION. I had to keep this in context withough changing it too much. Not being able to guess a person's mind can also be said as "I can't/couldn't tell what he's (also was) thinking" but that's almost total sentence rewrite.
5: I spot three at most. "Many" implies it's terrible.
"I don't know why, but I feel so happy when I learn about he is the same age as me." or
"I don't know why, but I feel so happy when I heard about he is in the same year as me." would have been better, I admit.
I'm not going to respond to the other two.

I was certain I sent back the corrected script. However, if you want I can take another crack at it as I now have more time on my hands, and I feel bad enough as it is.
Without communication, nothing is possible.
"All we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore"
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "A Dream Within A Dream"
Current Projects:
Universal Hope Stalled
Raven Hollow (on hold for now)
Peace and Love,
Squark

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tiya_nofurita
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Re: [Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#17 Post by tiya_nofurita »

squark wrote:Two days isn't enough, and typing in a different dialect isn't easy.
I did the best I could though. If I had more time, I'd have given it an in-depth going over just to be safe (although I was sure I didn't miss anything).

Sorry for the remaining mistakes, Tiya.
A-ah...Don't feel so discouraged. I think it was partially my fault too, but I think you did your best. I didn't blame you for anything.
squark wrote:
Anna wrote: 1. That's right, I just wandering around and.... (grammar)
2. ...unexpectedly come to this place (weird sentence and missing period)
3. How can I forget that moment? (how could)
4. His mind is hard to guess. (weird sentence)
5. I don't know why, I feel so happy when I heard about he is as the same year as me. (many grammar problems here)
6. Maybe because I get new friend from the other faculty, eh? (again grammar)
7. and he is pretty cool guy (grammar, just add "a" between "is" and "pretty")
You make it sound like I was being lazy. I had next to no time and everything had to be done while I was already tired (I had a few other obligations at that time, but wanted to keep my mind working). I actually can do a better job, though sometimes I couldn't be sure what the sentence was trying to tell me.
1: I could have just left out the I.
2: I took the dialogue as more conversational and less formal, but I did miss a period.
3: Yep, I see that.
4: It's not THAT weird. And it's not really an error as "weird sentence" is an OPINION. I had to keep this in context withough changing it too much. Not being able to guess a person's mind can also be said as "I can't/couldn't tell what he's (also was) thinking" but that's almost total sentence rewrite.
5: I spot three at most. "Many" implies it's terrible.
"I don't know why, but I feel so happy when I learn about he is the same age as me." or
"I don't know why, but I feel so happy when I heard about he is in the same year as me." would have been better, I admit.
I'm not going to respond to the other two.
Don't feel offended. I'm the one who was ask her to pinpoint my mistake(s). I see your intention not to change my whole sentences, and I appreciate that much. Still, I don't really mind if you changed almost all the sentences if you think that's weird, I'm going to select what is my preferences anyway.
could it be you was on the bad mood when you wrote this reply ? i'm sorry, just guessing
squark wrote: I was certain I sent back the corrected script. However, if you want I can take another crack at it as I now have more time on my hands, and I feel bad enough as it is.
Uhm...I don't mind if you want to re-do your work, but once again, I don't really want you to force you. Sorry if I sound harsh or anything.
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squark
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Posts: 277
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Completed: Tour de Pharmacy (Proofreader), The Abandoned Land: Book One (Proofreader)
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#18 Post by squark »

Well I kinda was kind of offended... and annoyed.
I actually do welcome criticism, but only when it's constructive. Those mistakes that were pointed out weren't exactly constructive. I was kind of hurt by the tone used.

I'll take another go at it, as I do have more time on my hands now.
Without communication, nothing is possible.
"All we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore"
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "A Dream Within A Dream"
Current Projects:
Universal Hope Stalled
Raven Hollow (on hold for now)
Peace and Love,
Squark

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tiya_nofurita
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itch: NSAID
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Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#19 Post by tiya_nofurita »

squark wrote: I'll take another go at it, as I do have more time on my hands now.
Please, take your time. And thank you >.<
i can't help but to feel guilty
Last edited by tiya_nofurita on Mon Feb 25, 2013 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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"For what reason I live?"
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"What will you see when you are dead?"

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tiya_nofurita
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itch: NSAID
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Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#20 Post by tiya_nofurita »

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that I've reached 150++ DLs for this kind of boring VN >.<
While this isn't a great accomplishment, I feel really grateful for all of you ! And don't forget I always appreciate any feedback !
tdp_DL.png
tdp_DL.png (7.92 KiB) Viewed 2204 times
Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
Image

---
Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

Image

MY VISUAL NOVEL

squark
Veteran
Posts: 277
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:59 am
Completed: Tour de Pharmacy (Proofreader), The Abandoned Land: Book One (Proofreader)
Projects: Raven Hollow (Core Coder, Proofreader), The Universal Hope (Core Coder, Proofreader)
Organization: FlareBlue Entertainment
Location: Always somewhere behind you...
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#21 Post by squark »

Congrats, Tiya ^^
I'm taking my time on the redo of the script because it's not a rush job anymore.
I can go back over it a few times just to be sure as well. I should have it ready in the next few days.

... I may have to change a few sentence structures to make it easier to read.
Without communication, nothing is possible.
"All we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore"
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "A Dream Within A Dream"
Current Projects:
Universal Hope Stalled
Raven Hollow (on hold for now)
Peace and Love,
Squark

User avatar
tiya_nofurita
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Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:23 pm
Completed: ALLBLACK Phase 1, Heart's Blight, Last Rx., EDDA Cafe, Kohana, Half Moon
Projects: ALLBLACK Phase 2
Organization: VN Project Indonesia
Deviantart: SECONDARY-TARGET
itch: NSAID
Location: I can be everywhere
Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
Contact:

Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#22 Post by tiya_nofurita »

squark wrote:Congrats, Tiya ^^
I'm taking my time on the redo of the script because it's not a rush job anymore.
I can go back over it a few times just to be sure as well. I should have it ready in the next few days.

... I may have to change a few sentence structures to make it easier to read.
Thanks. But I've been pretty busy nowadays, so no need to rush either :D
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"What will you see when you are dead?"

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tiya_nofurita
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#23 Post by tiya_nofurita »

Long time no feedback, eh ? About something related to Pharmacy...I guess I'll put this demo into my future works...



JUST KIDDING. NO ONE WILL PLAY IT. MUAHAHAHAHAHA :lol:
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"For what reason I live?"
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"What will you see when you are dead?"

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VocaloidsRCool
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#24 Post by VocaloidsRCool »

Mediafire won't let me download it.

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tiya_nofurita
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itch: NSAID
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Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#25 Post by tiya_nofurita »

VocaloidsRCool wrote:Mediafire won't let me download it.
MediaFire can be jerk sometimes. Thank you for letting me know
I'll upload somewhere else for the time being

Updated
Hope it works
Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
Image

---
Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

Image

MY VISUAL NOVEL

squark
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Posts: 277
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:59 am
Completed: Tour de Pharmacy (Proofreader), The Abandoned Land: Book One (Proofreader)
Projects: Raven Hollow (Core Coder, Proofreader), The Universal Hope (Core Coder, Proofreader)
Organization: FlareBlue Entertainment
Location: Always somewhere behind you...
Contact:

Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#26 Post by squark »

Okay, I'm sorry. I've really fallen behind on my redo. I got back to it last night, as I'm now finding myself with more time on my hands. Halfway through it (third time) and so far it seems a bit cleaner and easier to follow/read.

I'll send it as soon as I possibly can.
Without communication, nothing is possible.
"All we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore"
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "A Dream Within A Dream"
Current Projects:
Universal Hope Stalled
Raven Hollow (on hold for now)
Peace and Love,
Squark

squark
Veteran
Posts: 277
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:59 am
Completed: Tour de Pharmacy (Proofreader), The Abandoned Land: Book One (Proofreader)
Projects: Raven Hollow (Core Coder, Proofreader), The Universal Hope (Core Coder, Proofreader)
Organization: FlareBlue Entertainment
Location: Always somewhere behind you...
Contact:

Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#27 Post by squark »

Okay, I've finished my revised edition and I'm pretty sure I caught everything this time.
So, here you go, and if it's still not satisfactory, just tell me and I'll get on it (again:P)
Without communication, nothing is possible.
"All we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore"
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "A Dream Within A Dream"
Current Projects:
Universal Hope Stalled
Raven Hollow (on hold for now)
Peace and Love,
Squark

User avatar
tiya_nofurita
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Posts: 669
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Completed: ALLBLACK Phase 1, Heart's Blight, Last Rx., EDDA Cafe, Kohana, Half Moon
Projects: ALLBLACK Phase 2
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Deviantart: SECONDARY-TARGET
itch: NSAID
Location: I can be everywhere
Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
Contact:

Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#28 Post by tiya_nofurita »

squark wrote:Okay, I've finished my revised edition and I'm pretty sure I caught everything this time.
So, here you go, and if it's still not satisfactory, just tell me and I'll get on it (again:P)
Hi, sorry for the late response, but unfortunately, MediaFire link is broken :( (or is it just my computer ?)
Can you upload somwhere else ?
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"For what reason I live?"
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Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

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azureXtwilight
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Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#29 Post by azureXtwilight »

Finally been able to do this. I wanted to do the same for my university, but then again I don't have high resolution photos...
Image

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tiya_nofurita
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itch: NSAID
Location: I can be everywhere
Discord: 3,4-Methylendioxymethamphetamine#4886
Contact:

Re: [Adventure][Campus Life][Education] Tour de Pharmacy

#30 Post by tiya_nofurita »

azureXtwilight wrote:Finally been able to do this. I wanted to do the same for my university, but then again I don't have high resolution photos...
Don't worry, mine is only 800x600 px >.< (taken with low quality VGA camera).
I want to see it too ! It would be VERY LONG story, though :lol: because your campus is so damn huge :mrgreen:
Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
Image

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Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

Image

MY VISUAL NOVEL

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