The Man and His Shell [kinetic novel] [fantasy] [horror]

[Hikari Beldrich]

After a daring raid, a handful of spell casters called mystics belonging to the Mystic Community managed to corner and kill the dangerous Soul mystic Faylen Malic. In the aftermath of the raid, they discover that Malic had an apprentice and they quickly take her into custody. Suspecting that the apprentice may have been coerced into serving the Soul magic practitioner, the Mystic Community takes the woman in, offering her asylum and a chance at a new life. The apprentice is silent for a a few weeks, but she finally provides her answer in the form of a letter.

That letter forms the basis for this story. As the Soul mystic's apprentice reveals the events in her life that shaped her into Faylen Malic's apprentice, the reader (standing in for a member of the Mystic Community) will find themselves witness to a tragic story of death, rejection, isolation, fear, but still the fragile seed of hope, as she recounts the story of The Man and His Shell.

Updated 1.01 (fixes missing emblem on one of the portraits):

The Man and His Shell-win32.zip

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The Man and His Shell-mac.zip

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The Man and His Shell-linux-x86.tar.bz2

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A few numbers for reference, the visual novel contains ~14,300 words and 711 screens so it should take about an hour to read all of it (if anyone wants to tell me how long it took them that would be great as I have already read this story a hundred times.) This is a kinetic novel so sorry but no branching paths or alternative endings. Maybe my future games will be more colorful but this story is actually and adaptation of a short story I wrote so I tried to keep it true to the original.

Custom nvl window

Finished at last (or at least as finished as I am going to have time and chance to make it)! This was my first attempt at creating a visual novel and the process turned out to be quite a bit more than I was expecting in some ways while being very pleasant in others. That said, I am welcome to any criticism the Lemma Soft Forums have to offer as I am still considering turning some of my other Mystic Grimoire Series stories into visual novels, or even making more originals for this medium.

I'd also like to say that I consider myself a semi capable writer but not much of a musician or artist which limited me in terms of the number of and quality of sprites and songs I could produce. I struggled to get some of the expressions I needed so the characters are a little less animated that I had hoped, but I feel like I could resolve that by working with more capable artists in my next project. That said I still welcome any advice I could get on how often readers might expect characters to change expressions or what sort of range of different expressions I might want to aim to incorporate into further projects. Creating a visual novel had elements which were similar to directing actors in a film, something I'd never dealt with in my pen and paper stories.

Astrid Hartmann, the protagonist and writer of the letter on the right, and Faylen Malic the Soul Mystic on the left. Astrid appears at ages 7, 14, and ~21 though the course of the story while Faylen never really seems to age.

I would also welcome any thoughts on my incorporation and frequent switching between the nvl mode and dialogue. My original short story didn't have much dialogue so much of the old description that the letter gives has been moved to an nvl window which I'm hoping will was adequate, but I really want honest feedback on how that might have effected the pacing of the story. Did it makes some scenes move by too quickly? Or leave others drawn out?

Anyway, I'm going to stop talking now and leave the rest to you readers! Let me know if anything isn't working. I've tested it to death but sometimes that isn't enough >:D

[ShippoK]

Not the greatest critic in the world, but I'll do my best.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this NV... But it felt like it needed more.

Seeing a little more of what Astrid and Master Malic did in the mansion besides practicing magic and such for one. That could give some heartwarming moments between the two. (I can totally see Master Malic be a magnificent Violin player and Astrid watching him play in astonishment.)

This a nitpick but I would have been cool to see a little more of Master Malic under that hood, but I guess leaves a good mystery. He'll be bald in my eyes...

The NVL felt to hard to read at parts, just to tiny and script like. I got use to it after a while but it does strain the eyes.

I also think the 'Horror' subject isn't the greatest word to use. Felt more Thriller like, gives that uneasy feel without actually scaring your pants off.

Now that I got the bad out of the way, here's the good.

The writing was very well done I've always had trouble writing down long sentences at once. The description of how the magic's in the world worked maybe me go 'Ooo, I'm learning~'

I like the reference of WWII being put in and being a huge cause of Astrid powers.

Also, The part where Astrid powers go haywire and rip Master Malic in two made me jump in surprise and go 'Noooo, Master Malic!' I never sow that coming. But then he got better so I was all 'Yay~ Wait, what!?'

Though, at the end, I was still a little confused about if he was him or not... Was the Master Malic that Astrid knew a puppet or the real him? It scrambles the brain quite a bit. I guess it would make sense if he wasn't real because of the whole 'Shell of a man' that Astrid wrote down...

I think the Art looks pretty nice, the backgrounds and characters set the mood well. I believe this was because it was more writing heavy than anything else.

Though, every time I think back at the Master Malice slicing up bit I always picture Astrid just staring down at him with blood all over her face. Ooo~ To spooky, get that imagine out of my mind.

I also really enjoy the Master Malic music as well, very catchy. I feel like I heard the tone somewhere before though, but I could be wrong.

There probably never will be a squeal... But if there is, I hope we can learn more about the Mystic Community and Master Malic.

Like I said above... Good novel, but it felt like it needed more. Though, I find this to be a Very impressive start for a first VN in my opinion.

P.S: I notice the "Astrid 21tear.png" sprite is missing that magic logo on her clothes. Was that on purpose or a mistake?

[Kato]

Not the greatest critic in the world, but I'll do my best.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this NV... But it felt like it needed more.

Seeing a little more of what Astrid and Master Malic did in the mansion besides practicing magic and such for one. That could give some heartwarming moments between the two. (I can totally see Master Malic be a magnificent Violin player and Astrid watching him play in astonishment.)

This a nitpick but I would have been cool to see a little more of Master Malic under that hood, but I guess leaves a good mystery. He'll be bald in my eyes...

The NVL felt to hard to read at parts, just to tiny and script like. I got use to it after a while but it does strain the eyes.

I also think the 'Horror' subject isn't the greatest word to use. Felt more Thriller like, gives that uneasy feel without actually scaring your pants off.

Now that I got the bad out of the way, here's the good.

The writing was very well done I've always had trouble writing down long sentences at once. The description of how the magic's in the world worked maybe me go 'Ooo, I'm learning~'

I like the reference of WWII being put in and being a huge cause of Astrid powers.

Also, The part where Astrid powers go haywire and rip Master Malic in two made me jump in surprise and go 'Noooo, Master Malic!' I never sow that coming. But then he got better so I was all 'Yay~ Wait, what!?'

Though, at the end, I was still a little confused about if he was him or not... Was the Master Malic that Astrid knew a puppet or the real him? It scrambles the brain quite a bit. I guess it would make sense if he wasn't real because of the whole 'Shell of a man' that Astrid wrote down...

I think the Art looks pretty nice, the backgrounds and characters set the mood well. I believe this was because it was more writing heavy than anything else.

Though, every time I think back at the Master Malice slicing up bit I always picture Astrid just staring down at him with blood all over her face. Ooo~ To spooky, get that imagine out of my mind.

I also really enjoy the Master Malic music as well, very catchy. I feel like I heard the tone somewhere before though, but I could be wrong.

There probably never will be a squeal... But if there is, I hope we can learn more about the Mystic Community and Master Malic.

Like I said above... Good novel, but it felt like it needed more. Though, I find this to be a Very impressive start for a first VN in my opinion.

P.S: I notice the "Astrid 21tear.png" sprite is missing that magic logo on her clothes. Was that on purpose or a mistake?

Pretty much exactly my thoughts too. Would be cool to dwell into things a bit more but it was still cruisy enough for me to be devo when malic got done in. Took a while to really get used to reading the letter dialogue. Probably woulda been a bit freaked if I played through it later at night though. Nice work

Also just over an hours play time for me.

[Hikari Beldrich]

Thank you very much for your critiques. Much of the problems that have been pointed out are ones I am already somewhat aware of (such as the nvl mode font. I had already optimized everything for it though so I didn't care to change it.) and I think I would classify this more as a thriller than a horror myself.

The piece that you two seem to agree on the most though is actually the one that has taken me completely by surprise, namely that you would have liked to have seen more. It is difficult to find an audience with an attention spawn these days so my writing style has become very quick to match. However, if it is felt that I could have gone into more detail than by all means I would have. It's nice to know that I'm doing enough right to keep my readers content and even wanting more.

I have addressed the missing emblem on the Astrid tear sprite and have re-uploaded all three download links with config version 1.01, a new file with the modified portrait.

To address some of the hidden text:

I enjoy complex stories and often write stories that require the audience to think while they're reading and try and piece the hints together. That said, I don't think this story was overly complicated. If you read the text well you should be able to get plenty of hints as to what the ending meant. That said, some of the mysteries don't have a clear answer or could have multiple possible answers (such as who/what was the man, and who/what was the shell?). In those cases I challenge you readers to decide what you think the answer is (and if you want to make me happy pm me what you thought )

As far as sequels go, I don't have any more stories about Astrid or Faylen nor do I have any intent to make more about those to people. I do however already have two other stories I have written as a part of my Mystic Grimoire series which show some promise for being adapted into visual novels as well as plenty of inspiration which may yet create new, visual novel specific, stories in the future. But I wouldn't wait on them right now as I am about to get even more busy in these next few months. When the three stars of inspiration, time, and energy finally aline again I might make a post in the ideas or works in progress section again. Until then enjoy this story

Updated:
Oh, and as far as the Malic Manor theme possibly sounding familiar, there is a little bit of Nausicaa of the Valley of the wind in there. I noticed that halfway through composing but didn't care to change it. I hope to work with actually musicians and artists in my next VN.

[qyrnth]

I was flabbergasted. I've just finished the story. and I can't say anythin for now. Like I said I was flabbergasted.
One sentence for now.
I really head over heel over it. I love it! Thank you for creating this awesome story and I'll be waiting for you next one. Will edit this later after I get my composure or so I would.

[Minnfae]

I really liked this VN.
Now, the criticisms:
-The art wasn't very good
-While the music captured the mood, it was too short and its quality wasn't that good either
-I feel that the biggest revelation

that Malin wasn't afraid of Astrid's powers because he could revive himself

was too predictable given some events that happened shortly before (in fact, considering how smart Astrid seemed, it was odd how she wouldn't figure that out).

[Hikari Beldrich]

Thank you to everyone who played and commented on this VN. I intended to comment earlier but I wanted to hold of until I thought I was making enough progress on my next effort.

By that I mean, yes, I am currently in the process of making my next Mystic Grimoire Visual Novel! This story will be rather different than "The Man and His Shell" though, and will have new characters and a different setting. I don't want to give too much away because I am still working out some of the details, but it will feature Mystics that are from the other five classes.

I was originally planning to transcribe the story more directly from my original version, but I'm looking at expanding it to make it actually have multiple endings and more game elements. This has pushed my release date for it back by a good bit, but I'm hoping it will make the story much more enjoyable.

I'll try and update this comment when I post the new to the works in progress forum. Thanks again for all the feedback!