Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

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marmoot
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Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#1 Post by marmoot » Thu Aug 14, 2014 2:04 pm

Image
A young man, holds dear to his family
Another young man, basking in innocence
A mysterious shop that grants wishes
And a story that started it all

When a person tried to change fate
Which one will he choose?

Do you believe in strange phenomenas?
Do you have any wish to be granted?
Are you willing to pay the price?

Welcome to Beyond The Boundary.

Screenshots:

Image

Image

Image

Image

Story : kuroneko (not from LSF)
Script : marmoot
BG : mugenjohncel, wiki commons, etc. (listed in credits)
Made using Ren’Py 6.16.5.52.5

The game contains 518 dialogue blocks, containing 4,985 words and 26,052
characters, for an average of 9.6 words and 50 characters per block.
The game contains 89 images, and 14 screens.

Download Link:
win (38.69 MB) - http://www.mediafire.com/download/mpcsw ... .0-win.zip
mac (36.95 MB) - http://www.mediafire.com/download/p9hu2 ... .0-mac.zip
linux (40.15 MB) - http://www.mediafire.com/download/krvpl ... ux.tar.bz2

==========================================================================

*note:

Hello everyone, marmoot here. This is my first time making a game using Ren’Py. My skill sucks so I’m sorry and please please please bear with me ;w;

It all started when kuroneko went on a story-writing spree. He’s pretty much enamored by Clamp’s xxxHolic and made tons of stories. At that time I was still a stalker silent lurker on LSF, and found wonderland amazing people and their unique creations. Kuroneko emailed me on a weekly basis to update me on new chapters. And then it dawned on me, “Why not bring the characters into life?”.

Thus the series is created. He made the story, I rewrote and translated them into code. I used free resources and did only a few customization because I had to finish this chapter in a few days school sucks. English is not our mother language so I’m sorry for the grammatical mistakes.

As for now, kuroneko’s story has reached its final chapters, and roughly 3 chapters has been made into KN. This is the first chapter from the BTB series. After this, we go deeper into the mystery of the shop and its customers. We planned to continue this until the end, so we need as much feedback as possible.

And sorry for the awfully long post, too excited, my bad ;w;

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#2 Post by BarabiSama » Thu Aug 14, 2014 3:34 pm

It took me a bit to get used to the writing, but I ended up enjoying it a lot.
Not gonna lie - I cried a little when the baby was named. I'd love to see a spin-off that develops Ao and his son's relationship!
The concept reminds me a lot of a manga I read once about a secret hotel people are drawn to that solves their problems (though you can only find and visit it once in your lifetime). It had an interesting cast and followed the same formula (where it started out with the stories of the visitors and slowly revealed the names and backstories of each employee).

While the concept is interesting, I think the writing is a bit awkward, which is understandable since English isn't your native tongue. The narrator didn't sound like a college student. His little brother also talked a bit robotically. Maybe you should try watching some teen shows in English to get a better idea of how to write casual conversation?

It also seems like the thoughts weren't balanced very well.
For example, the protagonist rambled on in his head about the decor of Beyond the Boundary, but we had no idea how he felt about his little brother wanting to be done up the butt in a relationship with him until Masato screamed at him for it. There was no mental build up to him confronting his brother.
The mix of drawn and photographic backgrounds was also inconsistent and kind of distracting :0 But it's a great start! Good luck with all your future chapters; I'll definitely keep an eye out for them :3
que que que

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#3 Post by lemonokashi » Fri Aug 15, 2014 1:35 am

There's an anime called Beyond the Boundary, although the japanese name is Kyokai no Kanata.
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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#4 Post by marmoot » Fri Aug 15, 2014 2:46 am

T.. thanks for your time, BarabiSama! We're glad that you enjoy the story :)
BarabiSama wrote:It took me a bit to get used to the writing, but I ended up enjoying it a lot.
Not gonna lie - I cried a little when the baby was named. I'd love to see a spin-off that develops Ao and his son's relationship!
I informed this to kuroneko and he's thrilled! We never thought that it would leave such an impression on the readers, and we really thank you for caring for the characters deeply.
Sadly, the customers in this shop won't be a recurring character in the next chapters. Kuroneko left the future of the boys up to the reader's interpretation. Though, perhaps in the future we'll set up cameo appearances that tells how they're doing after their encounter with the shop. :D
BarabiSama wrote:While the concept is interesting, I think the writing is a bit awkward, which is understandable since English isn't your native tongue. The narrator didn't sound like a college student. His little brother also talked a bit robotically. Maybe you should try watching some teen shows in English to get a better idea of how to write casual conversation?

It also seems like the thoughts weren't balanced very well.
For example, the protagonist rambled on in his head about the decor of Beyond the Boundary, but we had no idea how he felt about his little brother wanting to be done up the butt in a relationship with him until Masato screamed at him for it. There was no mental build up to him confronting his brother.
Aaah, how perceptive of you, thanks for pointing it out! Yeah, I guess we should put a lot more effort into the characters and how they think,
especially since it involves same-sex, incestuous relationship, it's a serious matter.
We'll work harder to make the dialogues sounds more natural... Oh, and thanks for the suggestion! Watching English shows seems like a good idea to improve the writing. Do you have suggestions on which show I could watch? :D
BarabiSama wrote:The mix of drawn and photographic backgrounds was also inconsistent and kind of distracting :0 But it's a great start! Good luck with all your future chapters; I'll definitely keep an eye out for them :3
I also agree with you about the backgrounds, sorry for the inconsistencies and if that makes you feel distracted.. It's just that uncle mugen's backgrounds are so beautiful and I'm tempted to use it, and I guess I overlooked that aspect. Will definitely fix this and be more consistent to stop confusing the readers, thanks a lot for the feedback! :3

lemonokashi wrote:There's an anime called Beyond the Boundary, although the japanese name is Kyokai no Kanata.
Ah, thanks for pointing it out, lemonokashi! It came to us as a shock, since we've never heard or watched the anime until someone told us about it when we're making the 3rd chapter.. Kuroneko picked the name because he thought that it gave a mysterious vibe to the wish-granting shop. We've read descriptions on Kyokai no Kanata and found out that although there are similarities in the title, the story is entirely different. Maybe I should watch more anime from now on... ;w;

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#5 Post by BarabiSama » Fri Aug 15, 2014 9:30 am

marmoot wrote:Do you have suggestions on which show I could watch? :D
I'm not sure what to suggest since everyone has different tastes v_v
But good luck with everything :3
que que que

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#6 Post by Hachiko » Fri Aug 15, 2014 11:04 am

There was a bit of an oversight in the game - why was the "nurse" in her regular clothes? That part was supposed to be a critical moment in the game, yet the out-of-place clothing seemed to ruined the mood.

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#7 Post by theSardonyx » Sun Aug 31, 2014 7:21 am

BarabiSama wrote:While the concept is interesting, I think the writing is a bit awkward, which is understandable since English isn't your native tongue. The narrator didn't sound like a college student. His little brother also talked a bit robotically. Maybe you should try watching some teen shows in English to get a better idea of how to write casual conversation?

It also seems like the thoughts weren't balanced very well.
For example, the protagonist rambled on in his head about the decor of Beyond the Boundary, but we had no idea how he felt about his little brother wanting to be done up the butt in a relationship with him until Masato screamed at him for it. There was no mental build up to him confronting his brother.
I agree with this. While the idea of only revealing what is needed for this particular chapter is good, albeit a little frustrating on my part since I have to wait for future chapters, the mystery here is, quite frankly, pretty badly orchestrated. I would have liked a bit more detail on that supposedly emotional confrontation, like the spoiler I quoted said.
Hachiko wrote:There was a bit of an oversight in the game - why was the "nurse" in her regular clothes? That part was supposed to be a critical moment in the game, yet the out-of-place clothing seemed to ruined the mood.
And then there's this. I'm pretty sure I saw this particular sprite for about three times already, but that doesn't matter. Point is, I didn't feel that she was a nurse. And that made me feel less concerned about what she was saying.

Those aside, I still want to read the next chapter. The wish of the next guy seemed interesting. :)

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#8 Post by Angie » Sun Aug 31, 2014 7:53 am

I don't mean to be rude, but more like inspirations, the story is pretty much based on the xxxHolic. It's more like fanfiction - and I feel like this should be included at the beginning.

Also, you may think about getting an editor, because some parts needs a bit polishing (I guess that's because english is not your mother language).

Beside this, it's pretty interesting story, also backgrounds and sprites fit nicely together. I also dig the name of the shop, it's pretty nice and serves it's role.

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#9 Post by Ersel » Sat Sep 27, 2014 12:23 pm

I just finished this. I liked it a lot! Have you posted the other two chapters? I'd really like to continue reading!

I haven't watched or even read anything about xxxHolic, so I don't really know what it's about (I only know is from CLAMP, and I know they're amazing. Have you watched Kanon? It's magic, really) so I don't know if this is original or not, but it seemed so to me. I didn't realise problems in writing, but English isn't my mother language either.

So well, I'm not expressing myself well: I really think this is a good KN in general and I enjoyed it a lot! I'm going to investigate in order to find the other two chapters.

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#10 Post by Ferdokki » Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:48 pm

A "wish-granting shop" reminds me of "xxxHolic" or "Petshop of Horrors". Both show a shop where you can "buy" wishes for a price.
"Price" meaning give up something very important to you.

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Re: Beyond The Boundary, Chapter I [short KN] [mystery]

#11 Post by Applegate » Sat Feb 21, 2015 2:03 am

I was cleaning out my HDD and realised I had downloaded this some time and neglected reading it. Tonight, I decided to change that. To those who are reading this, I may spoil things. My humble apologies.

I was instantly reminded of the manga "Bokura no Negai". I can't say I was reminded in the good way: it felt too similar to really be a coincidence, but I'll work on good faith and assume the idea was conceived independently and originally.

One thing I did like was the presentation of items as small cut-out images in the centre of the screen. I also liked that the main character had a defined personality, and an actual face.

I also liked the theme of a story. Familial ties and karma, the spirit of self-sacrifice and all that. Not a bad choice. Gutsy, in a way. The idea of a shop of wishes isn't entirely original, but I'll be hard-pressed to find anything that is truly original. I don't have a problem with the basic idea.

Unfortunately, I didn't like the execution. The writing felt incredibly sloppy and hurried, glossing over what should be important events as "simple side events". One example reared its head rather early, and left a bitter impression of the main characters.
A few things become clear very quickly: the main character's parents died 'not too long ago', the characters are at best college age, and they now struggle to live alone. What is incredibly galling and breaks any semblance of sympathy is the two brothers' cavalier attitudes towards their parents' demise. The younger brother starts off with the innocuous remark, "What would mom say?", which becomes a horrifying reminder of their not-too-long-ago demise in a horrible plane crash accident while on their honeymoon. By all notions, that is a horrible event to occur, and the younger brother cruelly and thoughtlessly reminds his brother of this by raising the question, "What would mom say?"

Even in the most charitable interpretation, the younger brother's image is harmed by this comment. What's worse is the narrator describing the event. He delivers his parents' gruesome and terrible demises with the same air as one would deliver that they broke their favourite bike: "bummer, ma and da are dead. Life goes on!" I can't do anything other than view the main character as emotionally defunct, to so calmly and easily pass off the death of his parent and step-parent. It made it hard to care for the main character.
That is by far not the only case where the writing should be more thoughtful. The younger brother's actions are inexplicable when his older brother confronts him, and an odd emphasis is placed on how he is to blame for what happens in the story. That would be fine if he was to blame, but apparently
we're to blame some supernatural being for inspiring his hateful anti-homosexual sentiments? And what happened to the necklace (not quite an obvious gift for a younger brother) Ao was given?
It feels cheap, much like how the rest of the story looks designed to solicit a cheap emotional reaction with the epilogue.
Further questions are raised by the sibling turning around into either bisexuality or miracle heterosexuality after the accident. Incestuous love for a brother isn't going to suddenly change the preferences Ao has in lovers: this implies he is looking for someone protective that makes him feel safe, like his older brother... but the woman he's with doesn't appear to fit that profile. Unfortunately, she moreso comes off as a plot device to facilitate Masato's "rebirth" rather than an actual development.
I think you have potential. Though the writing was hasty, it wasn't bad. With polish and attention to detail, you can create something that is every bit as inspiring as this is clearly meant to be. Take time, don't rush headlong into events and give readers time to care about the characters and their plights.

As-is, this feels like a short story to introduce the 'Beyond The Boundary' shop more than it is a story about Masato and his brother Ao. And while it provides an interesting theme and explores an intriguing idea, its focus appears misplaced, the characters seem flat and the story skips from start to end too quickly. There is a good potential here to shine─but polish is needed to bring out that shine in future projects.

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