boy [Friendship][VN][Short][NaNo 2015]

[Rozume]

>>Get it on itch.io!<<

Kayla* Jones just wants to make friends. More specifically, she wants become friends with an asocial boy named Soo who refuses to give her the time of day. Why? Who knows. But she's willing to find out.

Characters

Kayla* Jones

The new girl in school that wants to make friends, and won't take "no" for an answer.

*Name Changeable

Soo Kim

A quiet, curious boy who spends most of his time in the library, even during class. Rumor has it he slept with his middle school teacher.

Emma Forrester

Kayla's* neighbor, a loud and standoffish girl with some polarizing views on society. She wants Kayla* to stay as far away from Soo as possible.

Screenshots



Credits

Writing, Programming, and Sprites: Rozume
GUI: Hazel-bun of Cherubim Scribes
Backgrounds Uncle Mugen and Samu-kun
SFX: Freesound
Font: KAIWA and dafont.com
Stock: darkrose42

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Horray, I made it in time for NaNo!
This is the first visual novel that I made by myself, so I'd like any feedback that I can get! For example, what do you think of the writing, and sprites?
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this short VN. I know I had fun making it. ^^

[Mad Harlequin]

Congratulations! You did it!

[Rozume]

@MadHarlequin

Thanks! I had a lot of fun. ^^

[TuttyTheFruity]

Swiggity swoogity goin straight for the booty

Really crisp art assets! I like the BGs in particular. This should be a fun read, I'll give it a whirl.

Grats on making deadline!

[Rozume]

@TuttyTheFruity

Dat booty~

Thanks! The bgs aren't mine, though. They're from the amazing Uncle Mugen.

I hope you enjoy it and I'd like to hear what you think!

[AntiquedFae]

This looks amazing! Can't wait to give it a try. ^_^ A huge congrats on finishing!

[TuttyTheFruity]

Gave it a readthrough. Characters were written pretty good; Kayla is pretty fun and outgoing which is refreshing in a VN, Emma is written realistically and can make the reader uncomfortable which is an asset. Soo got some good moments too. Little flat in character exploration but good for a 20 minute VN. Art assets were all good too.

Good stuff!!

[philip]

Hey! Great story - very well written - a thought provoking topic. The characters were likable and interesting, some more so than others (are you listening Emma?). Overall, I really enjoyed it, and have gone through the story a number of times, trying all the choices.

philip

[Rozume]

@TuttytheFruity, phillip

Thanks for playing! I really appreciate it. n_n

[ThisIsNoName]

Well, I just got done reading it, and I'm not quite sure what to say.

While I enjoyed some parts, the writing as a whole was pretty flat.
One thing I especially noticed was the redundancy between the narrative and Kayla*'s speaking: "Why is my locker so small? It doesn't fit all the textbooks I have." -> "Oops, there goes my books. Stupid Locker."
Also, the character's constantly interrupting each other got annoying very quickly, especially since I double-click as I read. I would constantly get to a new page, double click, a character would interrupt whatever they were saying and skip it. Then I would have to go back to the previous page and try to catch what the first person said before the next person interrupts them again. The same effect can be achieved using a dash at the end of the line. That way it's also clear what is an interruption and what isn't.

However, the biggest issue by far is just how the visual novel is structured with an obvious hero, villain and victim, and particularly Kayla*'s character. It's pretty much impossible to critique this without spoiling the story, so I'll just put it all under the spoiler tag.

I know Kayla*'s character is supposed to be obnoxious, but Kayla* crosses way to far across the line. She at best uses Soo as her personal plaything when she's bored, and at worst outright stalks and sexually harasses him in public. All this is completely either ignored or treated as a positive. And since the choices before the reveal are independent of the choices after the reveal, it means that it's entirely possible to treat him worse than shit, and then have him give you his complete and intimate trust.

The worst part by far is that Emma is treated as a monster for what she says, not what she does. Sure, she didn't believe him, but she didn't constantly follow him around after he shows he wants to be left alone. She may decide to create her own dress code, but she doesn't tell other students to strip to embarrass him.

It's downright disturbing that the player is forced to humiliate, stalk and harass someone the player knows is a rape victim. In a game that's purportedly about supporting rape victims.

Seriously, what the hell?

[Mad Harlequin]

Well, I've been meaning to post some feedback on this for a while, but I got sidetracked.

And since the choices before the reveal are independent of the choices after the reveal, it means that it's entirely possible to treat him worse than shit, and then have him give you his complete and intimate trust.

You know, I was so diverted by other issues, including Emma's characterization as a character (or, rather, a caricature) that I didn't realize this. Thanks for pointing that out.

The worst part by far is that Emma is treated as a monster for what she says, not what she does. Sure, she didn't believe him, but she didn't constantly follow him around after he shows he wants to be left alone. She may decide to create her own dress code, but she doesn't tell other students to strip to embarrass him.

You're forgetting one thing about Emma, though:

she tells Kayla that Soo tried to pressure her into sex when they dated, when she's the one who tried to pressure him.

Honestly, we don't know much about Emma. She could have done the same thing Kayla does, except that instead of a more lighthearted ending, her pursuit of him led to more pain for Soo.

But let's go back to Kayla. I agree that she's got problems---at least as she's currently written---due to the casual sexual harassment and partly because she is established as the "hero" so quickly. To me, Kayla comes across as well-meaning, but extremely misguided in her approach. I really didn't care for the sexual lines in the beginning, but I thought that maybe they were meant to be a reflection of how thoughtless kids can be, especially when they're trying to get someone's attention. This idea could be better expressed in a future release, or even an expansion of the story into a full-length VN. It might also be a good idea to consider writing it without choices so that Kayla's initial thoughtlessness and callousness can be preserved as a part of her character without putting the burden on the player.

I didn't like following Soo around, either, but I think this was primarily the unintentional result of the story's current formatting.

In closing, I think it's important for Kayla as a character to realize what she did wrong and apologize for it before she and Soo can really hit it off.

[philip]

@Rosume-

When I said that Emma was not very likable, I didn't mean it in a bad way. If all the characters were plain vanilla, then stories wouldn't be very interesting.

Contrary to a previous poster's comments, I thought that the story was well written, and that the characters were well defined. To me it's not a bad thing if early on in a story it becomes apparent who is the "good" guy and who is the "bad" guy, etc. Guess that you can't please everyone, but I'll betcha that many more people will like this story than dislike it. For myself, I sometimes come across a story that is not to my liking, so I just click off and go on to something else. After all, you are the author; it's YOUR story, written the way you wanted to do it. I enjoyed it.

philip

[Rozume]

@ThisIsNoName, MadHarlequin

That's some valid criticism. You did bring up some really good points, and I'll admit I didn't really think about them when writing. I agree that with that Kayla comes across as really problematic when looking at her critically.

That being said, I didn't really plan for Kayla to be the way she is. My original plan was to have the choices define her personality but as I started writing... things took a different turn. To be fair, this is my first actual attempt of writing a Visual Novel and I may have made some unconscious decisions while writing it. I'm planning on making an expanded and revised version of this at some point in the future, so hopefully I'll handle the story better.

@phillip

Thank you for the positive comments. I know I can't please everyone, but I'm glad that there are people playing my game. But, I do find criticism like the above to be very valuable because it helps me grow as a creator.

[Mad Harlequin]

That being said, I didn't really plan for Kayla to be the way she is. My original plan was to have the choices define her personality but as I started writing... things took a different turn. To be fair, this is my first actual attempt of writing a Visual Novel and I may have made some unconscious decisions while writing it. I'm planning on making an expanded and revised version of this at some point in the future, so hopefully I'll handle the story better.

Yeah, there were some good points made. I didn't think you meant to write anything ill-intentioned. It just seems like you ended up focusing so much on Emma's problems that these other ones got pushed aside.

[Godline]

Loved the issues you explored with this. The art was really pretty too.
Well-developed characters. Decent writing. Nice!

I felt that Emma was lying altogether about dating Soo. He didn't seem like he'd be in the mood to date people after what he went through. But that was me. I think we've all known people like that who BS about their experiences. There's probably valid reasons for Emma's insecurity as well, but since it was short it couldn't really be explored as well.
Buuut that being said you could make a longer version down the track some day and explore that!