The Tomorrow's Theory

[moonya]

Here's a visual novel I made all by myself for PC, MAC OS, Linux and Android !
It's a really short story full of suspense set in modern America !
If you want to try it, here are the links : http://www.mediafire.com/download/ndhh7 ... .0-all.zip and https://play.google.com/store/apps/deta ... ory2&hl=fr ! Enjoy !

[Coreyrn]

I just played through your game and enjoyed it.
But there are some points that would need a bit more work.
1.The choices may lead to different endings but all except for the true end are very short and not really needed, the story is so short and you didn't flesh out alternatives so a kinetic novel would be better, since one good story path is better than 1 good story path and five very short bad ones. (And don't give a serious story endings named like "Stupid End, Lazy End etc" it does not fit the mood)
2.Your voice acting needs a bit more work, the volume is much too low so most of the time your voice is drowned out by the loud music.
Furthermore, your voice does not fit the character, I don't know how old you are but your voice sounds very young and the character looks like an adult man. And you sound more too neutral despite the lines that should have a menacing intent.
3.And there were some minor grammatical errors but nothing major.

Just my 2 cents and keep it coming! You have potential.

[NoriMori]

Feedback:

Main Menu

• The background image is sloppy-looking, like no care or thought was put into it. It would've made more sense to just type it out.
• "Tomorrow" is spelled wrong.
• The katakana translation (「イ゛テゥモロズー　フィオリ」 ) makes no sense:
  • The 「イ」romanizes as "i", which obviously doesn't relate to the word "the" at all; and adding a dakuten (゛) to it isn't a valid construction. "The" should be represented by 「ザ」.
  • 「テゥモロズー」romanizes as "TUMOROZUU", which is not a valid transcription of "tomorrow's". It should be 「ツモローズ」("TSUMOROOZU") or 「トゥモロー」 ("TUMOROOZU").
  • 「フィオリ」romanizes "FIORI", which does not a valid transcription of "theory". It should be 「セオリー」 ("SEORII").
• Much of the text at the bottom is blocked by the menu buttons.

Writing

• The title, "The Tomorrow's Theory", makes no grammatical sense. Just "Tomorrow's Theory" would be correct.
• The title bears no relationship with the story. What is "tomorrow's theory"? What does it refer to? What does it mean?
• Several grammar and punctuation errors.
• Some of the writing is clumsy or awkward.
• Oftentimes a wrong word is used, such as "exhaustive" instead of "exhausted", or "take a sit" instead of "take a seat".
• Oftentimes a word is used inappropriately, making the intended meaning unclear:
  • First example: "She was a simple employee". This phrase has no meaning. What exactly is "a simple employee"? Does it mean low-ranking? Low-paid? Does it mean that her job is unimportant, or easy? "Simple" is just not the right word to use in this context.
  • Second example: "How did he know my name? He was such a silly guy?" Silly? How is knowing Liam's name without meeting him "silly"? When you call someone "silly" it means "goofy" or "funny" or "hyper". The right word in this situation would be something like "creepy", "weird", "odd", "mysterious", or "suspicious".

Story

• I agree with Coreryn's comments regarding the story paths. I'd also like to add that the story fails to be meaningful. It's not engaging or interesting. There's no "point" to it. And it's so short and bland that it might as well have just been a written story; making it a visual novel seems a waste of effort.

BUT

Having said all that, I also agree with Coreryn's statement that you have potential. It's clear from this post, and the acknowledgement at the end of the game, that you worked hard on this and immensely enjoyed making it. That is an excellent sign. If you keep working and practising and learning, I'll bet you can create something wonderful!

I don't see any other posts from you aside from this and one other, both about this game, and both two years old. I'm curious whether you've done any more work with Ren'Py since then?