ALLBLACK - Chapter 1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

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tiya_nofurita
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Posts: 641
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Completed: Tour de Pharmacy, Tour de Paseban, Heart's Blight, ALLBLACK Phase 1
Projects: ALLBLACK Phase 2, Last Rx.
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ALLBLACK - Chapter 1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#1 Post by tiya_nofurita » Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:25 am

[ALLBLACK. Phase 1. Chapter 1]



"What will you see when you die?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, I woke up without being able to remember what had happened to me, as if I had just been born yesterday. But no one could also prove that "the past" is real. It's possible that I just "existed" now, and my memories were just fabricated.

This is me right now, lost, confused, and don't know where to go. Maybe I was just being born last night, but somehow, "my past" still haunted me. I can't remember it, but they said I am the one responsible who dropped the helicopter.

Fuck! If only I could remember something. I can't even remember my own name. But why?! Even though I can't remember my own name, but I can remember the one who made me like this?!

It's not only that....I'm not even sure if I'm a human being. Not after what happened today. I can stop the rain. No, it's not like I can change rain to sunny weather...I make thousand droplets of rain stop falling, hanging it in the air like defying the gravitation around me.

.... Far from the bottom of my heart, I'm sure that I have to end all of this.

My name is --------------, let me tell you my story.

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Screenshot of the main menu
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Finally after about 1 month of development, I proudly release Chapter 1 of ALLBLACK in visual novel format :D
This chapter covers Book 1 of ALLBLACK Light Novel. There are 6 chapters in total. Additional chapter will be added in the future.

Format : Kinetic Novel
Length : 10k words, about 30-40 minutes reading
Platform : PC (Windows, Mac, Linux) and Android (4.0 and up)

Original story : fsc
VN Adaptation : me

DOWNLOAD LINK

PC Version on itch.io(Windows only)

Android version on Google Play (4.4 and up)


------------------updated 4th May 2019---------------

JP translation for Chapter 1 is added

PC version on itch.io or

Android version on Google Play





Many thanks for the proofreader (kiv) and beta-testers (altila, Stefano)
Since this is my first visual novel after been absent for so long, I greatly appreciated honest feedback!
1. How did you enjoy the VN overall?
2. What is your opinion about the characters so far? (mainly, the protagonist)
3. What can I improve on future release? (user-experience related)
4. If the final story is about 6 hours long, is it worth to release it as commercial? Would you willing to buy it and how much will you pay?
Last edited by tiya_nofurita on Mon May 13, 2019 4:57 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
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Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

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"From here on, my life changes..."


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"Wager your soul for love and riches"

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tiya_nofurita
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 641
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:23 pm
Completed: Tour de Pharmacy, Tour de Paseban, Heart's Blight, ALLBLACK Phase 1
Projects: ALLBLACK Phase 2, Last Rx.
Organization: VN Project Indonesia
Deviantart: SECONDARY-TARGET
itch: NSAID
Location: In my dream
Contact:

Re: ALLBLACK -Phase1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#2 Post by tiya_nofurita » Sat Apr 20, 2019 5:16 pm

Android version is now LIVE on Google Play!

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Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
Image

Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

Image


"From here on, my life changes..."


Image


"Wager your soul for love and riches"

Image

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fsc
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Posts: 36
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Projects: ALLBLACK; a new project incoming...
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Re: ALLBLACK -Phase1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#3 Post by fsc » Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:06 am

It has been 6 years since I moved on the story from VN format to light novel format.
I ain't giving up on the story ever. 👏👏👏

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tiya_nofurita
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Posts: 641
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:23 pm
Completed: Tour de Pharmacy, Tour de Paseban, Heart's Blight, ALLBLACK Phase 1
Projects: ALLBLACK Phase 2, Last Rx.
Organization: VN Project Indonesia
Deviantart: SECONDARY-TARGET
itch: NSAID
Location: In my dream
Contact:

Re: ALLBLACK -Phase1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#4 Post by tiya_nofurita » Tue Apr 23, 2019 7:05 pm

^ That's the original author speaking. I thought he's dead for good on this forum though :lol:

By the way, finally we reached 50 download on itch.io as per today yay! It's not a big number but still an accomplishment for newbie VN maker like me. :mrgreen:

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I should've continue doing chapter 2 but got distracted yesterday and trying to do Jap translation. Would anyone read it anyway :lol:

Image
Webtoon

"For what reason I live?"
Image

Completed project:


"What will you see when you are dead?"

Image


"From here on, my life changes..."


Image


"Wager your soul for love and riches"

Image

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SbHunter
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Re: ALLBLACK -Phase1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#5 Post by SbHunter » Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:46 am

"You finished the game in 59 minutes and 40 seconds." Yay!

Okay, now...
1. How did you enjoy the VN overall?
2. What is your opinion about the characters so far? (mainly, the protagonist)
3. What can I improve on future release? (user-experience related)
4. If the final story is about 6 hours long, is it worth to release it as commercial? Would you willing to buy it and how much will you pay?
To be honest (as you ask for honest feedback), my opinion might be saturated from few prejudices but I'll try to be as objective as possible, and as honestly as possible when I could only be subjective. So:

1. If I have to score it... maybe somewhere around 75/100. I'm a player that value smooth narration and tidiness of the VN.

On the narration side, and as a creator with writing as main skill... correct me if I'm wrong, but is the original story written in English? Or is it a translated work? In case if it was indeed written in English, then... I have the strong impression that the writer isn't native English speaker. It could use more editing and grammar checker. Other than that, I feel like there are many awkward sentences; such as words that could be better placed in the sentence, and sentence length that could be tweaked to make the narration flows better.

So, that's three points that could be improved on the writing: grammar, structure, and flow.

On the audio side, I'm quite satisfied. While it has no notable music whatsoever, the musics and the ambiances are well placed and timed.

On the visual side... I think there's one character missing sprite (Alvi, was it?) X'D
The backgrounds are using available photos, I see, but most of them are well placed. The animation also supporting the narration well enough. The GUI is tidy -- simple and minimalist, my favourite kind~

2. About the character, hm... Since it's still just chapter one, I feel like there isn't much I could say about them. So far, the protagonist feel like your typical movie main character, I guess. Seems like a good person, with hidden past -- at least that makes me curious :3c I think it's more about preference but, I'm liking Jordan and Dasan so far. Mory looks nice too.

3. Uhm... user-experience related...? I, uh, honestly don't really understand what it means so I could only answer about what could be improved generally... and I guess it's already covered enough in answer number 1.

4. Now, here's the part where I feel hesitant to be honest; While I wouldn't mind to play a six hours VN, I don't think I'd buy it. One, because I'm just a humble student, and two, because I'm not that too big of a fan of action scifi X'D Oh, thinking about it, I haven't felt the psychological genre in the first chapter... though then again, my experience on psychological genre is limited to anime like... Madoka Magica and Houseki no Kuni. And I'm not even sure if they're psychological -- but I do feel they're slightly disturbing while being captivating in the same time.

Welp. Now that all answered, the only things left for me to say is... I'm actually interested to offer service as an editor (especially in the story writing side) if you'd need any. But I got to warn you, I'm also pretty new to VN. I'm currently having my first project, after started playing VN maybe for like... half a year or more? It can't be one year already. And my experience are mostly playing indie VNs, so... *shrugs* just to let you know. So in case you're interested in my offer, I'd ask for help and guidance in making VN project as well X'D

Good job for your accomplishment! And good luck for the next! >w<)7
Sleep, eat, game, write, repeat! Wait, don't forget to pet cat!

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fsc
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Re: ALLBLACK -Phase1- [Action][Psychological][Sci-fi][Free]

#6 Post by fsc » Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:41 am

1. Yeah, I'm ESL. :">
2. Uhh, yeah... those characters are nice, aren't they... Heheh, yay for them. *nervous laugh*
4. It'd be a challenge to make you interested then. Challenge accepted!

That's a nice offer. I will let my colleague answer that.
And thanks a lot. :DD

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