Alone (First VN release!)

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cloudyssky
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Alone (First VN release!)

#1 Post by cloudyssky » Wed May 26, 2010 8:10 pm

Well, I've finally finished my first VN, "Alone". It's short, and I tried to make it eerie and weird rather than scary. I had a wonderful time making this, and enjoyed exploring Ren'Py. I hope you enjoy playing it. Length is 5-10 minutes. A quick lint:
The game contains 244 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 2570 words,
for an average of 10.5 words per screen.
The game contains 3 menus.

Also note, do not play in full screen (well you can), as I simply just re-sized images to fit window. Sorry for any inconvenience.
Have fun!
Alone-win32.zip
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Alone-mac.zip
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Alone-linux-x86.tar.bz2
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Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Chansel
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#2 Post by Chansel » Wed May 26, 2010 10:23 pm

Well, I just finished the first play through..
Damn, that's a very eerie feeling :S So job well done, I'd say.
I'm going to play it again now :P
I want another ending then the 'you're all alone' one. I got the feeling that was the bad ending >.<
Oh, and I found a small typo in the first few screens. Though 'cew count' sounds kinda funny, I'm assuming you meant 'crew count' XD?
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#3 Post by Catoni15 » Wed May 26, 2010 11:44 pm

Hey, just got done playing this, too. It was very surreal, very strange. But I enjoyed it immensely (despite the fact that I had NO clue what was going on!). It was really interesting!

Endings:
I take it there are only two, yes? Unless I missed one (or more). Both were pretty...messed up. I can't decide which one's worse, though. Maybe the one where you think everyone's come back but, then, they all turn out to be faceless people. It's like..."Haha, we're mocking you!". You may as well be alone--I mean REALLY alone--than be surrounded by THOSE things. Ick.
Don't get me wrong. It didn't negatively affect my opinion of this. I still really enjoyed it! I just couldn't help but have a "WTF?!" reaction.


I'm curious as to what inspired this little piece.

All in all--good job on your first VN! =^^=
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cloudyssky
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#4 Post by cloudyssky » Thu May 27, 2010 7:32 am

Chansel wrote:
I want another ending then the 'you're all alone' one. I got the feeling that was the bad ending >.<
Oh, and I found a small typo in the first few screens. Though 'cew count' sounds kinda funny, I'm assuming you meant 'crew count' XD?

Damn, I thought I caught all my typo's >.<! I'll be more careful next time. And thank you.

Catoni15 wrote:
I'm curious as to what inspired this little piece.


Yes, there are only two endings. I thought about making an ending where everything came back to normal, but I preferred to just make two eerie endings instead of one...because I could. Hell, I almost added an easter egg to bring you to a third ending, but didn't have the patience or want to do so.


As for inspiration, it came from my love for ghost stories, as well as the movie "Ghost Ship" (terrible movie though). I've always had a love for those alternative universes and alien abduction stories.
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#5 Post by fortaat » Thu May 27, 2010 7:09 pm

very nice for a first VN. I assume you're over 18, and have past experiences with people criticizing your writing. If I'm wrong, just ignore me:

* you have spelling mistakes, some of which could found by Word ("cew"). This insults me as a player and a reviewer.
* weird sentences: "we all wanted to just take a vacation".
* "I had to see it everyday" :)
* It's very obvious you never been to the army. the entire Nroman conversation is laughable:
1. they know each other for two months - in the navy! - and despite a very small difference in ranks they still use ranks as names. that's only possible as a joke or a quirk
2. " friggi' " , "sheesh" - come on! they're not twelve! if you can't show them cursing, don't use sitcoms' alternatives. "sheesh" is not a word a grown man would say.
3. "sir, yes sir" , ""Sergent Lynn" , - see 1.

* "the radio room now had this blue look... " - a very basic rule of comics, is not to describe what you see, otherwise you damage the entire point of putting pictures in the first place.
if you see a man jumping over a fence, you will never put a balloon saying "the man jumped over the fence".
* radio goes crazy - great.
* "I was completely scared now" - show, don't tell.
* "Except of course for the fact that... NO ONE WAS DRIVING THE SHIP - OMG LOLOLOLOL it's okay for a forum, looks very bad for a story.
* Muslim spaceship - very effective.
* the descriptions of the empty corridors were very good.
* the use of music was very good.
* although you used a lot of technical pyrotechnics (flashes, screen goes black), it all felt natural. kudos.

That's a nice start. I really want to see your next submission.

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#6 Post by cloudyssky » Thu May 27, 2010 10:43 pm

fortaat wrote:very nice for a first VN. I assume you're over 18, and have past experiences with people criticizing your writing. If I'm wrong, just ignore me:

* you have spelling mistakes, some of which could found by Word ("cew"). This insults me as a player and a reviewer.
* weird sentences: "we all wanted to just take a vacation".
* "I had to see it everyday" :)
* It's very obvious you never been to the army. the entire Nroman conversation is laughable:
1. they know each other for two months - in the navy! - and despite a very small difference in ranks they still use ranks as names. that's only possible as a joke or a quirk
2. " friggi' " , "sheesh" - come on! they're not twelve! if you can't show them cursing, don't use sitcoms' alternatives. "sheesh" is not a word a grown man would say.
3. "sir, yes sir" , ""Sergent Lynn" , - see 1.

.

Thank you for your time in writing this :) No, I've never been in the military, though I will be joining in some years. Also on the cursing note, for religious reasons I try not to curse, and that includes in my writing. Had this been a much longer VN I may have considered added actual curses. I will remember though that they use military terms,
Thanks again :) My next release will for sure make you laugh! (It's going to be a comedy after all)
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#7 Post by unknown5 » Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:44 am

ooh, i didn't see this until now. just played it. had a weird, dream-like feeling to it. i liked the use of sounds and some interesting images.

i kinda wished i could see the faceless people. although i suppose leaving things up to the imagination is also an interesting route. and the empty ship story is very creepy, like the mary celeste. lol looks like i had a lot of similar ideas to yours about using sounds and stock images, hehehe.
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cloudyssky
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#8 Post by cloudyssky » Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:04 pm

Ah yes the story of the mary celeste is one of my favorites. I actually did this game with the Bermuda triangle in mind, so you're on the spot with your anaology there ;) Thanks for playing.
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#9 Post by dott.Piergiorgio » Sun Jul 04, 2010 5:44 pm

I'm DL' it now.... I try to put it high in my ever-increasing Ren'py backlog and see about Naval terms & enviro, because I'm a Naval Historian, and this since 12 (and now I'm 40) and perhaps I'm the second-best around here capable of this type of "debugging" (IIRC there's another forum fellow whose is actually serving in a Navy)

Now DL'd... later, perhaps. ;)

On the cursing, everyone can have his/her choices, but for now let's play this VN....

Best regards from Italy,
dott Piergiorgio.

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#10 Post by dott.Piergiorgio » Mon Jul 26, 2010 2:57 pm

Played with highest priority, replayed at least five times. and let some day to cool my incensed Naval side.

To put bluntly, from a Naval terminology, and not only it, leaks everyhere (to remain in the theme....) I count not only mistakes in terminology (Granted, "Navalese" itself has one of the most hard to understand lexicon, but there's some definite limits in pseudo-Navalese....) but also in the pictures, and sadly even in the circumstances, whose ruin a really excellent story, even for people whose don't known much of Naval things.

For a starter, I don't think that will be ever an USS Empire, even in the most wet dreams of the US neocons, and also there is a mixing of pics obviously from cruise pics and actual warship pics will be noticed even from a total landlubber (sure only I noticed the plaque pointing to the ship built in an *italian* major shipbuilding Yard, but OTOH, aside the clearly civilian & pleasure promenade, there's conspicuously the name of a well-known civilian cruise ship on a lifebuoy.... and I guess this ought to be enough.

For the story in se, an excellent story whose deserve a better refinement...

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#11 Post by cloudyssky » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:06 pm

Thank you for the review :)
I tried hard to find the right pictures to use, and it was difficult to find the right ones, so I knew you'd be able to tell the difference of settings on the ship (such as you pointed out, the cruise liner deck is obviously a cruise liners and not a battleships deck). But I did the best I could.
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#12 Post by iskander » Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:32 pm

Nice spooky mood displayed by this VN, I enjoyed it.

For me the best as probably the scene in the deck. It was really powerful. And the choice made at that moment is significant.

Very nice.

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#13 Post by cloudyssky » Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:52 pm

Thank you very much :] My next project I'm working on will be even more spooky, much longer, and (I hope) much more thrilling.
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#14 Post by Samidarenina » Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:30 pm

At first I wasn´t planning to comment at first, but I quite liked the game and I thought it deserved at least a little comment. ^^
Well, what to say about this little piece? I must admit it, you really did do a good job with the atmosphere. It has a really haunting and eerie feeling to it.
The only thing that dissapointed me is the lack of a fitting conclusion. It had 2 endings, but they were too open ended and confusing. I understand what you were trying to do, but it wouldn´t be bad if a new 3th ending got unlocked after you get the first two. Kind of like Higurashi had the question arcs to set up the scare and mind-fucks and the answer arcs to explain them all and lead to a satisfying conclusion.

Don´t get me wrong, I liked the game quite a lot, but I just feel that his had to be said as an advice for your future games.^^

In any case, congratulations on getting your first game finished. You did a great job for your first and I can´t wait for your next few works, especially a certain secret one. ^^

Sami

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cloudyssky
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#15 Post by cloudyssky » Tue Aug 03, 2010 7:05 pm

Well thank you very much for the review first of all. It seems even though this was rather short and small, my first release was a hit and this makes me very proud.

Higurashi was actually my main inspiration for creating a game like this, and I tried to mimic that almost disgusting yet frightful feeling Higurashi gave the player. I do agree I probably could have given it more endings like you said, and to be honest, I wish I had. However I'm still proud of what I made. My main goal was to give a short spook, and it seems I've done just that.

As for my next release which will be coming out sometime next year, there will be multiple endings and more mind screwing than ever before :)
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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