Alone (First VN release!)

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ghost_of_razgriz
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#16 Post by ghost_of_razgriz » Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:27 pm

It's really a mistake to read this at night.... Now I don't know I can sleep or not.
So... bad ends only?
Weird and intriguing story, and it scares me nicely. Overall, I enjoyed it!

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LVUER
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#17 Post by LVUER » Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:34 am

I've played this one...
but the game is short and there are only 2 bad endings? Where did all those MBs goes to?
"Double the princesses, quadruple the fun!" - Haken Browning (SRW-OG Endless Frontier)

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cloudyssky
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#18 Post by cloudyssky » Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:20 pm

@ghost_of_razgriz
Thank you and yes :] (Also, nice reference to Ace Combat with your screen name)

@LVUER
I know it is short. This was just a short experiment with Ren'Py. And what's an MB?
Projects:
Alone- (Horror/Sci-Fi) Complete! Link
Demokratiya- (Adventure/Action) I'm kind of winging it with this one. Goal is 100,000 words. Yeah, it's gonna take a while.
{Last worked on Sept/28 : Word count (coding and all) ~4500}

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tiya_nofurita
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#19 Post by tiya_nofurita » Mon Feb 25, 2013 9:15 am

I have never thought I would heard Adzan (the "muslim" song you inserted) on this kind of game. It sounds very relaxing and give you a calm atmosphere, right ? :D
Nice job for creating such an atmosphere. Your writing is good, maybe just one or two words that sounds weird to me. The story itself is very short, yet memorable. Haha. I wish more visuals only.
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Rinrinnya
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Re: Alone (First VN release!)

#20 Post by Rinrinnya » Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:23 pm

fortaat wrote:very nice for a first VN. I assume you're over 18, and have past experiences with people criticizing your writing. If I'm wrong, just ignore me:

* you have spelling mistakes, some of which could found by Word ("cew"). This insults me as a player and a reviewer.
* weird sentences: "we all wanted to just take a vacation".
* "I had to see it everyday" :)
* It's very obvious you never been to the army. the entire Nroman conversation is laughable:
1. they know each other for two months - in the navy! - and despite a very small difference in ranks they still use ranks as names. that's only possible as a joke or a quirk
2. " friggi' " , "sheesh" - come on! they're not twelve! if you can't show them cursing, don't use sitcoms' alternatives. "sheesh" is not a word a grown man would say.
3. "sir, yes sir" , ""Sergent Lynn" , - see 1.

* "the radio room now had this blue look... " - a very basic rule of comics, is not to describe what you see, otherwise you damage the entire point of putting pictures in the first place.
if you see a man jumping over a fence, you will never put a balloon saying "the man jumped over the fence".
* radio goes crazy - great.
* "I was completely scared now" - show, don't tell.
* "Except of course for the fact that... NO ONE WAS DRIVING THE SHIP - OMG LOLOLOLOL it's okay for a forum, looks very bad for a story.
* Muslim spaceship - very effective.
* the descriptions of the empty corridors were very good.
* the use of music was very good.
* although you used a lot of technical pyrotechnics (flashes, screen goes black), it all felt natural. kudos.

That's a nice start. I really want to see your next submission.
SHEESH~ That was a lot of nit-picking. My older brothers say sheesh...some of this makes sense, but remember that this is the creator's story, not yours.

Playing it~
Haven't made any development blogs yet, so to keep this colorful, here's my Puricute account! <3333 (That I sadly can't update very often... T^T)

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