First off, a few errors I spotted:
I never asked her to go out with me.
What I said out of the blue was just 'What would happen if I became your girlfriend?'
(Luft narrating - should it say "boyfriend", or is it a hint for the ending?)
It's always so random. I can't say an exact time. (there's a space after the period which makes the quotation mark go down on the next line)
2031, but the exact day isn't writen. (missing t)
Yeah. I felt like I could do everything on my own, so I wanted to do whatever I liked, without thinking at that promise from before. ("at" shoud be "about")
If Ele does that, that means Ele's story is going to dissapear from this world, right? (missing p and excessive s)
I found that the idea was interesting, but I thought the way the story itself could have been narrated better. I found myself wondering when some of the sections of dialogue would have finally ended and let the story progress, which is not a good sign.
What I would have liked would have been if you had more foreshadowing of some elements: it would have been good to play with how stereotyped (and thus not real, as if they came out of a story) some things seem to be to start giving hints that would have pointed to the revelation in the end without giving it away.
As it was, it seemed to me that you just went on very slowly in the first part of the story - which I would have frankly cut quite a lot. All the dialogues between the characters didn't seem to really help them develop and ended up just being hard to go through. I didn't feel like there was any hook to keep my attention alive there because you didn't foreshadow or introduce any element which could grab my attention. When you finally introduced the twist with the Bohemian who doesn't want to attack humans and knows of another writer, on the other hand, you burn it in a very short time without giving the time to think about it or start making conjectures about it and ended the story very fast.
I essentially thought that the whole story mainly had a big problem of pace and this made it less interesting than it could have been, considering the interesting idea.
I did appreciate the customisation of the interface and some of the art - I wasn't so fond of the way in which you coloured the hair most of the time (save maybe for ???), especially Clare's hair; but I really liked how you shaded the shirts. I also liked how you paid attention to the design of the girls' shirts. The backgrounds were quite nice, too, and it was good to see some of the scenes in CG form, with some interesting and hard to draw perspectives - they weren't perfect, but I really appreciate when an artist tries things which aren't the easiest.
All in all, I don't think I will manage to play it more than once, mostly due to the pacing and execution of the idea, but I look forward to other to seeing what you will come up with the future, and with more practice.