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PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:26 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
Summary:
Vortex follows Rachelle Scarrett as she joins her country's military. There are both friends and enemies to be made. Among the people she meets are Chris, a friendly pilot-in-training and Terrence who is renowned for not being particulary friendly. When Rachelle eventually moves up in the ranks, she is not very pleased to find herself directly under Terrence's command.. In addition to that, she also has to deal with multiple incidents.

Length: Approx 28k words.
Type: Kinetic (no choices).
Note: It takes a while before the first graphics appear once starting to read. This is not an error.

Please note that the art and writing in this were finished more than one year ago. I've just been extremely hesitant with releasing it, and I still think there is a lot lacking. I still hope that someone may be able to enjoy this. Also, as this was my first visual novel and a one-person project, there's no music in it.

Screenshots:
Image

Image

Edit: Reuploaded files with a minor mistake fixed (if everything worked out).


Attachments:
Vortex-linux-x86.tar.bz2 [6.98 MiB]
Downloaded 166 times
Vortex-mac.zip [10.8 MiB]
Downloaded 242 times
Vortex-win32.zip [7.68 MiB]
Downloaded 1803 times

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Last edited by Mirena on Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:43 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:36 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:57 pm
Posts: 4533
Location: Bandung, West Java, Indonesia
Completed: R.S.P
For info: VN with no choices/linear is called Kinetic (Kinetic Novel/KN)

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 8:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
LVUER wrote:
For info: VN with no choices/linear is called Kinetic (Kinetic Novel/KN)

Thought static was exactly the same thing, but I changed it.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:25 pm
Posts: 22
i was impressed with this being your first vn :D i liked it


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:31 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2004 10:58 am
Posts: 14671
Location: Kings Park, NY
Completed: Moonlight Walks
Projects: Ren'Py
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Twitter: @renpytom
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Congrats on the release.

Any chance we can get a slightly longer description of the game? Especially for a long game, it's hard to judge if we want to play it with a one-line description.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
PyTom wrote:
Congrats on the release.

Any chance we can get a slightly longer description of the game? Especially for a long game, it's hard to judge if we want to play it with a one-line description.

Ah, of course. Sorry for making it so short, I tried to make it more informative now. Hopefully I succeeded, summaries are not my strong point. If it's still lacking, do let me know and I'll give it another shot.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 2:32 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 1:52 pm
Posts: 339
Dl'd it and added (with a slighty above-average priority) in the huge backlog....

Later for a recension (or perhaps I should start doing "first impressions" for hastening the feedback cycle ?)

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:46 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 6:13 pm
Posts: 1021
Location: Oregon
Good that you were able to get it finished! :)

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:50 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:54 am
Posts: 690
Location: Zion Island, Solario
Completed: Christmas
IRC Nick: DragoonHP
Really good storyline and graphics.

I really liked Iris and Terrance comments. Made me laugh, really hard.


Just a little bug.
Chapter 4 pic
appears again and again in the place of other chapter pics. Like you are starting Chapter 5, but the logo is of Chapter 4.

But keep it aside, its a good game.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:28 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
DragoonHP wrote:
Really good storyline and graphics.

I really liked Iris and Terrance comments. Made me laugh, really hard.


Just a little bug.
Chapter 4 pic
appears again and again in the place of other chapter pics. Like you are starting Chapter 5, but the logo is of Chapter 4.

But keep it aside, its a good game.

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it~

I'll fix the chapter pic thing right away. How embarrassing..

@xxx1animefreak1xxx: Thank you~

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:25 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:54 am
Posts: 690
Location: Zion Island, Solario
Completed: Christmas
IRC Nick: DragoonHP
Um... Actually there are ah... two more bugs which I forgot to write before.

Some times, the image hide or clear function does not work or you forgot to add it because sometimes (1 or 2 out of 10) images overlap. It turns quite messy.

And sometimes the name tag (I honestly don't remember what it is called) does not appear, making the message look like it has been said from the MC's point of view, when in reality it is said by some other other characters.

Hope you don't mind me nitpicking and it is not very hard to understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:14 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
DragoonHP wrote:
Um... Actually there are ah... two more bugs which I forgot to write before.

Some times, the image hide or clear function does not work or you forgot to add it because sometimes (1 or 2 out of 10) images overlap. It turns quite messy.

And sometimes the name tag (I honestly don't remember what it is called) does not appear, making the message look like it has been said from the MC's point of view, when in reality it is said by some other other characters.

Hope you don't mind me nitpicking and it is not very hard to understand.

Ah, I don't mind at all. I really must have mixed something up when finalizing it.. because I do recall fixing those things. Lesson learned: stick to one project folder.

If someone doesn't mind sending me the lines where it occcurs, I'll be happy to fix it. Otherwise I'll just leave is as this thing is an old project and I'm honestly quite sick of working on it. I did get multiple people to play it first so it's odd that none of them said anything.. I guess I'll have to ask someone else next time. xD

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 02, 2010 4:07 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:14 pm
Posts: 53
Projects: Return to my life
Great game :D

There were some odd bugs, such as one scene were two pics of Leshire appear at the same time.
I think the ending was a bit disappointing, and that the aviator guy died only so the protagonist could have a happy ending with Leshire.
I expected you to explain why that one dude was so attached to the potted flower.
Or why Iris acted somewhat strangely when the protagonist asks her why did she join the military.

Also the bits about magic were a bit strange, for most of the beginning, I wasn't expecting magic to exist in their world. Beran's "magical power" was never really explained. Was it really related to the protagonist's dad dissapearance?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 4:07 am
Posts: 68
I was personally awed by the plot. I guess I'm not used to long and detailed military styled kinetic novels. That's a good thing, by the way. The story is detailed, though lacking in a few areas, and it is an amazing accomplishment for a one-person project, and for your first visual novel. Well, there is hardly any spoilers in my comments, but for safety's sake...

Things to improve on (in my opinion... I'm terribly sorry if they hurt your feelings. I think that it's a good thing to point out mistakes, so that artists and writers etc. can improve and such.)
-Although the sound effects were good(I got a little scare, though, perhaps my volume was too loud, when I first heard the sound effects. Probably due to the suddenness too, for there were no music), I think it would be good to add some music if you could, though you've mentioned the reason for not having it.
-As mentioned, there were some overlapping of character sprites(that's what you call them, right?)
-Very minor spelling errors
-The main character seems a little passive emotion-wise. This is not really a bad thing, and this makes the story more realistic, giving the character her own personality, but it makes it harder to relate to her
-Some details of the story should have been further elaborated on, such as the death of Chris, Rachelle's parents[especially her father], the relationship between Pierce and Terrence, the relationship between Milana and Terrence, Terrence's background story, the existence of magic and blood runes, why did Crispin kill Terrence's brother, Josh's attachment to Rose, how did Rachelle continue training after the "shooting competition", perhaps even why Iris is so obsessed with guys, etc.
-Perhaps you could cut down on the characters? While I agree that they all play an important role, having too many characters means focusing less on them as individuals. (FORGETFUL ME TENDS TO FORGET NAMES OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T APPEAR SO MUCH, so I had to note them down ._.)

The Good Points (in my opinion)
+None of the bad points really affected the overall plot and such
+If you did the backgrounds by yourself, I'd have to applaud you
+Presence of sound effects
+Originality
+While the plot may seem rushed in instances, I liked the fact that you didn't jump straight into the war, and touch on how Rachelle got along with her acquaintances
+The plot was quite detailed. Haha, this is like a repetition of my earlier comments. Due to tiny twists, the long(well, long for me) story was kept interesting, and grabbed the reader(well, "my") attention. That's a good thing, because lazy people like me who gets bored easily will stop within the first few chapters
+You had chapters with a title. This gives a sense of suspense to the audience.
+It was rather realistic. Although it seems that the main protagonists somehow happens to keep running into each other, on a second read, there were time lapses between their meetings, and it was over a long period that their relationship grew.
+Hints of character development
+The characters have PERSONALITY. ***


So... anyway, good job, and I look forward to you making more VNs. If anyone is somehow displeased by my remarks, I sincerely apologize. I will take this down if you're offended somehow. BTW, this is out of curiosity, have you had experience in the military? *phew* This is the first time I've typed so much in a forum..


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 4:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:52 pm
Posts: 94
Completed: Vortex
Esphirisa wrote:
I was personally awed by the plot. I guess I'm not used to long and detailed military styled kinetic novels. That's a good thing, by the way. The story is detailed, though lacking in a few areas, and it is an amazing accomplishment for a one-person project, and for your first visual novel. Well, there is hardly any spoilers in my comments, but for safety's sake...

Things to improve on (in my opinion... I'm terribly sorry if they hurt your feelings. I think that it's a good thing to point out mistakes, so that artists and writers etc. can improve and such.)
-Although the sound effects were good(I got a little scare, though, perhaps my volume was too loud, when I first heard the sound effects. Probably due to the suddenness too, for there were no music), I think it would be good to add some music if you could, though you've mentioned the reason for not having it.
-As mentioned, there were some overlapping of character sprites(that's what you call them, right?)
-Very minor spelling errors
-The main character seems a little passive emotion-wise. This is not really a bad thing, and this makes the story more realistic, giving the character her own personality, but it makes it harder to relate to her
-Some details of the story should have been further elaborated on, such as the death of Chris, Rachelle's parents[especially her father], the relationship between Pierce and Terrence, the relationship between Milana and Terrence, Terrence's background story, the existence of magic and blood runes, why did Crispin kill Terrence's brother, Josh's attachment to Rose, how did Rachelle continue training after the "shooting competition", perhaps even why Iris is so obsessed with guys, etc.
-Perhaps you could cut down on the characters? While I agree that they all play an important role, having too many characters means focusing less on them as individuals. (FORGETFUL ME TENDS TO FORGET NAMES OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T APPEAR SO MUCH, so I had to note them down ._.)

The Good Points (in my opinion)
+None of the bad points really affected the overall plot and such
+If you did the backgrounds by yourself, I'd have to applaud you
+Presence of sound effects
+Originality
+While the plot may seem rushed in instances, I liked the fact that you didn't jump straight into the war, and touch on how Rachelle got along with her acquaintances
+The plot was quite detailed. Haha, this is like a repetition of my earlier comments. Due to tiny twists, the long(well, long for me) story was kept interesting, and grabbed the reader(well, "my") attention. That's a good thing, because lazy people like me who gets bored easily will stop within the first few chapters
+You had chapters with a title. This gives a sense of suspense to the audience.
+It was rather realistic. Although it seems that the main protagonists somehow happens to keep running into each other, on a second read, there were time lapses between their meetings, and it was over a long period that their relationship grew.
+Hints of character development
+The characters have PERSONALITY. ***


So... anyway, good job, and I look forward to you making more VNs. If anyone is somehow displeased by my remarks, I sincerely apologize. I will take this down if you're offended somehow. BTW, this is out of curiosity, have you had experience in the military? *phew* This is the first time I've typed so much in a forum..


Oh, my feelings won't be hurt by a little bit of constructive criticism. On the contrary, I really appreciate it. As for the military question, I don't have any experience and it has had me feeling a bit anxious about using that setting. Basically, I wanted a place where different people would be forced to interact, and I was tired of school settings so I decided to give this a shot.

I'm aware of the overlapping bug and looking to get it fixed - I just haven't had the energy lately because a lot has been going on lately. But it will happen, sooner or later. (Most likely later).

I'll note the sound effect issue for later and pay special attention to that part. If I do make another project, I'm going to use music so that might help a bit. I did make the backgrounds myself as there weren't really many free-to-use ones that would have fit well.

As for the not saying enough about certain topics, I'm painfully aware and will definitely try to not have this happen in future stories I write.

Thank you for taking the time to read it all and even write such detailed feedback. Once again, I appreciate it!

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