I played up to the Alfred part. Spoilers ahead.
Music - not so subtle midi. Turned it off after the main menu, so maybe it gets better.
Interface - Standard, which is not a bad thing. I think you should change the buttons on the main menu, since their blocky style contrasts against the stylish BG.
English - You have many mistakes, though nothing too drastic. Next time I suggest you recruit an editor from the forum.
Writing:
On more than one occasion, the characters say something in a certain tone, and then you repeat it:
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sevin_angry2 "Do me a favor and kill yourself, jerk!"
n0 "I gave her a blunt response
We know it's blunt, don't repeat it.
Art:
Characters - They weren't very polished, but it seemed to fit the backgrounds, and the earthly premise. I think a more down to earth design would have helped the atmosphere, which means Sera and Rena would need a more realistic look.
The small sprites on the right corner (I forgot what they're called) were very nice, and made me smile a couple of times.
BG - they're nice, though I didn't like the filter you used.
Story:
Da BOSS - He's yelling too much, he gives punishments, and you never bothered giving him a name. I guess it was suppose to be funny, but he's way too cliche.
I can't take him seriously when he threatens to fire Sevin, which is quite a problem in a story motivated by money issues.
Sevin - I liked the guy. His comedic narration works well, and sets a proper tone for the story.
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sevin_think "If I have to die, I have to die in a cool way."
"Like, suddenly a meteor fell right out of the sky and I ram a plane chock full of explosives tight into it."
sevin_angry1 "Boom! Instant hero."
Sera - Some of the things she says are creepy considering the office atmosphere. It doesn't sound like she's joking:
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sera_seduce "Aww~ don't worry, I'm gonna give you a 'present' later. Do you want to stop by the 'hotel' later, hmmm?"
n0 "Sera tried to seduce me by stroking my hair."
Sarah - She's a classic useless female character. Without Sevin she will literally die.
I hated her.
You hinted that she's telepathic, but it reads as "Hey readers, Sarah can read minds! Don't miss this clue!".
I stopped reading when Alfred appeared, and announced the 1 Billion prize. The plot was too much of a generic anime at this point, and I wasn't motivated to keep reading.
Good luck with future releases.
