Downloaded from uploaded.to
Will play now~~
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I'm not a native English speaker either so I'll just point out what doesn't feel right and suggest some things. But a native English-speaker would be better ^^
"It all began back in time"> "It all began some time/years ago" or some variation thereof
"He was a lifely child" > "He was full of life"
"He spent the summers tolling...." > I _think_ you meant strolling. Anyway, the sentence is a little awkward. Maybe another tense would be better. What about "The summers he would explore the wide green countryside -- the winters, lay snow angels that looked to the gleaming sky". I may be getting a little too poetic here, though ^^U
"his family as a whole"> his whole family would visit // "giving her the..." > ending the meal with a 'thank you, Grandma!' and the loveliest smile.
"Finished with that"> Afterwards // "he instantly ran..."> he would always dash to the living room, eyes set on the rocking chair where his Grandfather sat, taking deep breaths out his pipe, near the chimney.
"They both sat..."> Since "sat" is in the previous sentence, it's better not to repeat it. What about "Surrounded by the barely noticeable crackling noise of twigs, they would enjoy its warmth, sometimes in silence for a while, mesmerized by the fire. With the slowly rising smoke, a thousand stories begged to be told. And told they would all be, between the pauses Grandfather's would take to enjoy the taste of his beloved pipe."
"As he grew older..." "Time went by, as it always does,..." (since I'm going for a poetic feeling anyway...) "... and soon he was wearing a school's uniform, a little too large, and itchy in some places. But he was as lively as ever -- supported by his family, he would always bring home good grades, and his smile attracted the people around him."
"He joined..."> Typo, there are two . at the end of the sentence. Maybe a comma after "group" would be better. // "They were..."> "He joined a group, known in the whole town -- who could miss those cheerful kids, always laughing and running and jumping and playing and...?"
I think the "One day..." part would work better if in the next block, like this:
"One day, they found they even... ...nearly spent every day there.", with the next sentence in another block of text. > Dialogue: "That the tree!" [next block] "The tree house was complete in one day. From the pink crack of dawn to the orange dusk, they worked. It was a little crooked on one side, and the paint hadn't been enough. But it was theirs. And so they spent day after day there, chatting. As things changed, the house changed too. Things that didn't interest them no longer disappeared, leaving place to new favourites they would enshrine in their little second home."
"But the house started to get smaller -- or, more accurately, they continued to grow up. And one day, a silent goodbye was unknowingly said. To the house, and to those friends who were now parting ways."
"New school...>" "A new school, new friends, interests, and -- at least for Takuto -- a first kiss with some girl he felt nothing for. {w} He knew his heart belonged to someone else, although who they were, he didn't know yet."
"He finally found his heart again one cloudy morning, in her hands. His first love, Misaki."
"He asked her out, cheeks red, knees shaking. A strange sight indeed, for such a boy. {w}She agreed to go out with him, but..."
"...but things don't always work out so well, do they?"
"The highlight..." "They continued dating, though, and one day --one day he wouldn't ever forget-- they shared his bed for the night and for the first time. {w}He'd like to think he wasn't that bad."
I skipped the jokes because... I didn't feel they went well with the story. But the only thing I notices was a typo after "Or" ("Or.. she him"), and the same thing after a ! in the next line.
Some months later> "But life can surely change in the blink of an eye, and some months later, she left him, saying she needed room for herself."
"He couldn't..."> "Unable to understand the reason, he became/grew desperate and locked himself in his room, ignoring his friends, parents, and the whole world -- one which had betrayed him"
"But it..."> "Self-confined to those four walls, he turned to strokes to paint and bring to this now dark place his feelings, dreams, hopes and even all of his words."
"To his father's..."> "He stopped going to school, and in his paintings his father stood pointing to a hospital, with a displeased, and sad, aura around him. A truth he knew, but that the chose not to act upon."
"As a result"> "But, even if he wanted to observe the world from a distance, it seemed it wouldn't let him do so. If he wasn't to act, someone would instead: and his father, in a desperate act, ripped his paintings apart and burnt the remains in the chimney, in front of his eyes."
"He ran away"> "He ran away, filled with anger, and applied for an art school."
"It was denied."
"Without home"> "With nowhere to return to, he began working as a relief waiter and rented a small and dark apartment, the only thing he could afford."
"Eating his daily rice..."> "He tried to see the bright side of it, though. It was so bad, was it? He had a roof, and enough food."
"One day..."> "One day, his brush painted, like by itself, a picture of one of his co-workers. Looking at the painting, he realised, like he had been in a trance, that it was Sakura."
"It was..." (no changes)
"He asked her..."> "The paint hadn't dried when, under the rain, he started a mad dash to his work place. He did have an umbrella, but had only remembered to get it, and it remained closed all the way to the store. {w}Drenched, not caring about what he looked like with a closed umbrella in one hand, a shirt full of paint or dishevelled hair, he shouted his confession over the deafening sound of a million drops."
"Sakura laughed, and suddenly, he didn't feel the cold any more. Maybe it was his throbbing heart, or maybe, her gentle embrace."
"The apartment was as tiny as ever, and the windows didn't let much light in. But it was always bright inside. The neighbours might have suspected witchcraft, but the crazy painter had became a grinning, cheerful, talkative gentleman, and did they like the change."
"Until that moment..."> "But the world is dynamic. Nothing remains as it is for too long. Neither sadness... nor happiness."
"And in this case, stable happiness was what they had."
Typo: "Takuto.. I'm pregnant..." -> Takuto... I'm pregnant..."
There are some typos in the argument after, just check the .
clearly being exhausted > exhausted
"*shivers*"> Takuto was shivering. \"Why\", he whispered, his throat closed. He grabbed the newspaper that sat in front of him, tears filling his eyes, and ripped it apart. \"Why...?\"."
"Just for..."> "Just for how long had he ignored them? (...) and sending back those which most likely contained money, not answering the phone..."
"Letting...>" "...securely locking the door, in case they appeared..."
Department> he had left.
(check the ..s and change them to ...s)
"He remembered..."> "He remembered... I remembered everything. From my childhood, to... now. Overwhelmed, I know I can't avoid it. Am I going towards that tree? Or is it running towards me? From my childhood to my death, I... remembered."
Note: Use 's instead of ´s
Music: LOVED it.
BGs: they were good ^^ The last one could use a little more editing, to show that Takuto's dying. It doesn't look much like the others, too.
Transitions: Nothing to say about them. Maybe a little too fast.
Comments:
The names were kind of weird -- I don't think they build treehouses in Japan. It's true that he story didn't have a distinctive setting, but it felt more... occidental. The chimney, the pipe, the tree house...
I'm sorry if you feel I went overboard with my... almost entire rewrite of the script ~_~U I liked the atmosphere the scene in front of the chimney set, so I wanted to keep it.
Although you are telling a person's life, it feels more like snapshots -- you know, it doesn't have much continuity to it. Also, why Misaki dumps him is never explained; maybe it would be better to just say it happened and nothing else. People tend to draw parallels between their pasts and their presents, so maybe Takuto could remember Misaki when Sakura talks to him.
You don't find out how Takuto's parents reacted after he ran away until the end. If it was to come into play, maybe it should be mentioned earlier.
I don't get what fate has to do with the game, actually ^^U Takuto sure seems to have some curse cast on him, but I don't think that's it
The choice you make at the start of the game gives the exact same answer
If it's like that, it's better not to have a menu at all.
Overall, I actually enjoyed the game ^_^ I like this kind of things. Maybe if I had known ??? was Takuto remembering everything I'd have written some things differently, as foreshadowing. I actually wrote this post as I played, even though the 'right' way to do it is playing through once, then criticising. And btw, if you find some words spelt 'weird', it's because I use British spelling (mostly) <_< I hope it's not a bother ^^;
