Get that thing off your chest... Now...

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papillon
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1771 Post by papillon » Sun Oct 21, 2012 6:50 pm

Sapphi wrote: I have to say that at least from my perspective, living together in an exclusive sexual relationship is basically marriage... just without the ring, ceremony, and government recognition :lol: So I find it kind of weird. You want commitment, and he doesn't want to commit yet... but what is going to change when you get married? You're already together!
Wandering off on a tangent here but - when I first got married, which was necessary for legal reasons (long story) I was really awkward and embarrassed about talking about it for a while afterwards because marriage had been built up so much as this THING like we were supposed to change and be different and be Real Adults now... which of course wasn't the case, because how exactly is five minutes in a government registry office supposed to change your whole personality? It doesn't. But I was so confused from all the expectations and meanings other people put on marriage that I really hated admitting I was married. It took me a while to relax and be comfortable with who we were.

Well, that and to this day I'm still kinda ticked off that I'll never get to have a big dress-up party. :) But honestly the problem there is more that my friends are on the internets and thus unless I become fabulously wealthy one day and can afford to fly people frmo all over the world to my party...

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1772 Post by Tetiel » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:26 pm

@Deji - I can also chime in and say that marriage pretty much changed nothing for me. Like others have said, once you move in together you may as well be married. In Canada (I have no idea about your country), even if you are not common-law, there are financial protections for people in a live-in relationship which has lasted for more than six months similar to if you were legally declared married. Like I mean... at that point, you may as well be. The point of marriage, outside of religious reasons, is to give tax breaks to people who are starting a family. It also gives protection to dependents. The real goal is to have kids (excepting those who don't want/can't have children, in which case it's for a life partner, but I don't think you apply). Ignore the marriage aspect because you really don't need it to have a family. You don't have a time limit on marriage, what you do have is roughly 11 healthy childbearing years left. He has until he dies. If he doesn't want to have children within a reasonable amount of time, I wouldn't even wait until March. It's a cold, heartless way of looking at your relationship, but you must do what is best for you.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1773 Post by LateWhiteRabbit » Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:04 am

jack_norton wrote:
Deji wrote: The other thing is that I'm 29 and NOT willing to go hunt down another guy to be dating him for idk how long and then get married at what--- 34? And have kids at 36? NO. I have better chances of getting what I want if I just endure all this, I think.
This is scary. Are you saying you should just stay with him because will be too much effort to find someone else!?!? :shock:
Sorry, I know you enough so even if I'm blunt know that I say this only because I don't want you to make a bad choice, but definitely you should make kids, get married only with someone you love. Making kids doesn't solve any problem in a relationship. The most likely outcome would be a divorce after some years and the kids would grow up unhappy.
Jack's right. That's a scary way of looking at things. Marriage and kids don't help a relationship. There are many marriages that end in divorce when small children become involved, and then a poor child is stuck in the middle - for life. Children cause their parents to divorce by being the straw that breaks the camel's back.

And sorry, I don't know you're boyfriend, but if someone told me I was too immature for marriage, but they lived with and enjoyed all the fringe benefits with none of the commitment? That's screwed up. Either he doesn't think enough of you to commit and he's using the maturity thing as an excuse, of he genuinely wants to change you, and neither is a good thing. At 29, your personality is set. You'll never get "more mature" or change how you think or do things short of some catastrophic disaster or upheaval in your life. If he doesn't like you well enough to marry you as you are now, those conditions will never change. And frankly, from what I hear, I wouldn't marry him anyway. It just sounds like you're heading for a messy divorce later down the road. Or worse, a miserable unhappy marriage where you feel trapped for the rest of your life. Because people DO NOT CHANGE.

I've seen divorce too many times, and been friends with both sides in the relationships, and always I hear the same refrain. "I thought after we got married, things would change." They do. You get more joint responsibility, possibly kids to keep you awake and stress you out, and both sides stop trying to impress each other as much as when they were dating. But the other person's personality isn't going to change. That bad habit they have isn't going to change. If you don't passionately love each other when you get married, if you aren't truly, mutually respectful friends with each other and truly accept all the faults of the other person, you have no chance of staying married.

As for a kid, you'd be better off having a child from a sperm donor than trapping a child in the middle of an unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce where they'll be forced to play double agent for both parents for the rest of their life. I grew up that way, stuck between bad mouthing parents that used me as pawn to subtly antagonize each other and play a game of passive aggressive tug-of-war with my upbringing. Forget that. All it does is lead to a child that resents both parents for being selfish. They were fighting and having arguments after dating for six years and thought getting married would "fix it". I don't begrudge my existence, but that was just freaking stupid on their part.
Tetiel wrote:You don't have a time limit on marriage, what you do have is roughly 11 healthy childbearing years left. He has until he dies. If he doesn't want to have children within a reasonable amount of time, I wouldn't even wait until March. It's a cold, heartless way of looking at your relationship, but you must do what is best for you.
Yes, never wait on a man to hear the same biological clock ringing that you do. Unlike women, men can have kids up into their 80s and later thanks to the little blue pill. Biologically and socially, it even works out better for men to drag their feet on having kids. We have all the time in the world to make ourselves financially secure and successful and still have kids provided we can attract a young enough woman.

Does your boyfriend even want kids? Does he know you're desperate for them? Is he going to come up with some reason why you're too immature to get pregnant by him?

I really feel like you're waiting on a ship to set sail that never intends to leave the dock.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1774 Post by junna » Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:19 am

jack_norton wrote: I know some of my friends who never lived together, then they got married and after a few years or even months they separated. It's totally stupid not trying the experience of living together before marrying. Good that you tried that.
:shock: I wonder how my mum and dad tolerated each other since they were married a year and half after meeting, and never lived together. Well...that being said, my mum is also 9 years younger than my dad. They are now the epitome of the sweet old couple at 61 and 70 years old. Or silly...they still fight and complain about useless things like the TV channel, going shopping and exercise. :roll:


Umm...I'll just quietly watch the whole thing after this, since I have zero experience in significant other relationship. Might pick up some pointers too. *scribble2*
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1775 Post by DaFool » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:01 am

This is the first stretch of office free time I've had in like... 4 months.

company-wide server migration, fresh format all workstations, all backup from previous years consolidation, finally, freakin done.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhjh.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1776 Post by fleet » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:15 pm

Advice for Deji. Go to couples counseling. If "HE" doesn't want to go, go by yourself.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1777 Post by Mink » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:23 pm

Hm, this talk makes me wonder: what's say about me that I think romantic relationships are pointless?

'Course, that's probably because I'm asexual, for all intents and purposes, so I don't see what more I could get out of dating someone than just being friends with someone.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1778 Post by Sapphi » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:23 pm

Mink wrote:Hm, this talk makes me wonder: what's say about me that I think romantic relationships are pointless?

'Course, that's probably because I'm asexual, for all intents and purposes, so I don't see what more I could get out of dating someone than just being friends with someone.
It says you have a practical mind :)

I've been thinking about this recently, too. My boyfriend and I are waiting until we get married to have sex. We've been together for 4 years now and we have a wonderful relationship. Most of the time I don't even feel like anything is missing :lol:

I think in Western society at least, we've lost a lot of the meaning behind relationships... communities aren't as tightly knit as they used to be, so a sexual relationship is now the ONLY one where hugging, kissing, holding hands etc. is acceptable. It's kind of sad...
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1779 Post by TrickWithAKnife » Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:03 pm

So many different relationship styles. My wife and I were like bunnies before we got married, and nothing really changed after. Some people are physically affectionate, some people are not. It's not really an issue either way unless both people in the relationship have different views about it.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1780 Post by Fungii » Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:17 pm

Someone motivate me to work.
Someone.
Anyone.
Help (I need somebody) help (not just anybody) help.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1781 Post by wakagana » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:34 pm

Fungii wrote:Someone motivate me to work.
Someone.
Anyone.
Help (I need somebody) help (not just anybody) help.
wakagana wrote:Feeling Unmotivated to do anything? Feel like you're not good enough at what you want to do?

[youtube]RYlCVwxoL_g&feature=relmfu[/youtube]

This should help.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1782 Post by Aedin » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:36 pm

Mink wrote:Hm, this talk makes me wonder: what's say about me that I think romantic relationships are pointless?

'Course, that's probably because I'm asexual, for all intents and purposes, so I don't see what more I could get out of dating someone than just being friends with someone.
I think we're long-lost twins or something. That is my exact mindset.

Although, I'm slowly losing faith in friendships as well. Lately, I've just been retreating deeper into myself because of problems with friends. Strange. Last year, I would have rather died than lose these friends, but now, I could see myself being perfectly fine without them. I'm a little introvert who would be happy if I lived alone with my programming and xbox for the rest of my life.

I foresee me in a future with many, many cats.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1783 Post by Mink » Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:54 pm

Maybe you just need to make new friends? :/

And long-lost twin FTW!
Sapphi wrote:It says you have a practical mind :)

I've been thinking about this recently, too. My boyfriend and I are waiting until we get married to have sex. We've been together for 4 years now and we have a wonderful relationship. Most of the time I don't even feel like anything is missing :lol:

I think in Western society at least, we've lost a lot of the meaning behind relationships... communities aren't as tightly knit as they used to be, so a sexual relationship is now the ONLY one where hugging, kissing, holding hands etc. is acceptable. It's kind of sad...
If there's anything society's taught me, it's that the only relationships that matter are ones where people are have naked sexy times.

Also, someone only wanting to be friends with you is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING EVER.

Edit: in case I need to clarify this before someone questions it, yes, I'm not incapable of finding people attractive or whatever. It's just that I'm not interested in the bottom half. So I guess I'm...half-asexual. Wait, no, that sounds stupid.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1784 Post by LateWhiteRabbit » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:09 am

Mink wrote: If there's anything society's taught me, it's that the only relationships that matter are ones where people are have naked sexy times.
That's probably a big part of the reason a lot of marriages fail. A lot of people get hung up on lust, or sexy times, or passion, and forget to figure out whether they LIKE this other person. As a friend. A companion they would be happy to just sit next to forever with NO sexy times involved. Because passion and sexy times don't last forever, and you're going to get long dry spells because of kids, sickness, distance, or just getting old. If you aren't truly 'friends friends' with your spouse, that's when the cracks appear that break everything apart. Or, as one marriage counselor put it, opposites attract, but alikes stay together.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#1785 Post by Taleweaver » Tue Oct 23, 2012 3:17 am

Mink wrote:Edit: in case I need to clarify this before someone questions it, yes, I'm not incapable of finding people attractive or whatever. It's just that I'm not interested in the bottom half. So I guess I'm...half-asexual. Wait, no, that sounds stupid.
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Also, someone only wanting to be friends with you is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING EVER.
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