jack_norton wrote:
Deji wrote:
The other thing is that I'm 29 and NOT willing to go hunt down another guy to be dating him for idk how long and then get married at what--- 34? And have kids at 36? NO. I have better chances of getting what I want if I just endure all this, I think.
This is scary. Are you saying you should just stay with him because will be too much effort to find someone else!?!?
Sorry, I know you enough so even if I'm blunt know that I say this only because I don't want you to make a bad choice, but definitely you should make kids, get married only with someone you love. Making kids doesn't solve any problem in a relationship. The most likely outcome would be a divorce after some years and the kids would grow up unhappy.
Jack's right. That's a scary way of looking at things. Marriage and kids don't help a relationship. There are many marriages that end in divorce when small children become involved, and then a poor child is stuck in the middle - for life. Children cause their parents to divorce by being the straw that breaks the camel's back.
And sorry, I don't know you're boyfriend, but if someone told me I was too immature for marriage, but they lived with and enjoyed all the fringe benefits with none of the commitment? That's screwed up. Either he doesn't think enough of you to commit and he's using the maturity thing as an excuse, of he genuinely wants to change you, and neither is a good thing. At 29, your personality is set. You'll never get "more mature" or change how you think or do things short of some catastrophic disaster or upheaval in your life. If he doesn't like you well enough to marry you as you are now, those conditions will never change. And frankly, from what I hear, I wouldn't marry him anyway. It just sounds like you're heading for a messy divorce later down the road. Or worse, a miserable unhappy marriage where you feel trapped for the rest of your life. Because people DO NOT CHANGE.
I've seen divorce too many times, and been friends with both sides in the relationships, and always I hear the same refrain. "I thought after we got married, things would change." They do. You get more joint responsibility, possibly kids to keep you awake and stress you out, and both sides stop trying to impress each other as much as when they were dating. But the other person's personality isn't going to change. That bad habit they have isn't going to change. If you don't passionately love each other when you get married, if you aren't truly, mutually respectful friends with each other and truly accept all the faults of the other person, you have no chance of staying married.
As for a kid, you'd be better off having a child from a sperm donor than trapping a child in the middle of an unhappy marriage and subsequent divorce where they'll be forced to play double agent for both parents for the rest of their life. I grew up that way, stuck between bad mouthing parents that used me as pawn to subtly antagonize each other and play a game of passive aggressive tug-of-war with my upbringing. Forget that. All it does is lead to a child that resents both parents for being selfish. They were fighting and having arguments after dating for six years and thought getting married would "fix it". I don't begrudge my existence, but that was just freaking stupid on their part.
Tetiel wrote:You don't have a time limit on marriage, what you do have is roughly 11 healthy childbearing years left. He has until he dies. If he doesn't want to have children within a reasonable amount of time, I wouldn't even wait until March. It's a cold, heartless way of looking at your relationship, but you must do what is best for you.
Yes, never wait on a man to hear the same biological clock ringing that you do. Unlike women, men can have kids up into their 80s and later thanks to the little blue pill. Biologically and socially, it even works out better for men to drag their feet on having kids. We have all the time in the world to make ourselves financially secure and successful and still have kids provided we can attract a young enough woman.
Does your boyfriend even want kids? Does he know you're desperate for them? Is he going to come up with some reason why you're too immature to get pregnant by him?
I really feel like you're waiting on a ship to set sail that never intends to leave the dock.
So I find it kind of weird. You want commitment, and he doesn't want to commit yet... but what is going to change when you get married? You're already together!
But honestly the problem there is more that my friends are on the internets and thus unless I become fabulously wealthy one day and can afford to fly people frmo all over the world to my party...
