Get that thing off your chest... Now...

[Lishy]

Hm, after dealing with antisemitism recently, and my fear of being mugged, I'm considering looking into Krav Maga lessons.

It sounds like it will be fun, because Krav Maga also gives me a connection to my people! (Most non-Jews don't realize the significance of Martial Arts in Jewish culture both in past and present.)

[kura-ou]

I tend to find heroines in JP otome games to be prettier and overall more appealing than the heroines in JP bishoujo games.

1.) They are more stylish, dressing up in nicer clothes (compared to school uniform #1207 just with a larger ribbon)
2.) They are more slender, a body design of women of late teen/early twenties (compared to "moe" which are of Hobbit proportions)
3.) Their expressions are way more cuter in response to the male character advancing hanky panky agenda. (compared to ahegao expression #948)
4.) They tend to be in softer shaded CG style, something I want to learn (compared to more celshaded style)

And it isn't because they are drawn by female artists either. The female artists who work on bishoujo games take on the majority bishoujo style, complete with cut and paste faces.

So thus I have a dilemma. I love the gritty themes and stories of seinen, but I also adore the shoujo art style. I was hoping someone will take the elaborate, intricate designs of shoujo/otome and transplant them into seinen/bishoujo. That would be the ideal game for me. It's probably why I like the steampunk genre so much, since it provides the perfect opportunity to combine flowery dresses and embroidery with badass machinery.

One of my projects is based on this, actually XD;;;; I've been trying to get the story put together for over a year or so... orzlll

[Blue Lemma]

@DaFool: Reminds me of Crescendo... definitely a shoujo-esque quality there. That's all that comes to mind.

[kura-ou]

I'm really scared...and kind of sad...

This afternoon, when I prepared to sign up for classes for this fall, my university decided to charge me over $1k and didn't even state a reason. This type of thing wasn't there 3 days ago, and I am really disappointed because I wanted to get all the classes I need to graduate (I'll already be a year or two behind because classes aren't offered as often enough), but it looks like all the core classes I need will be filled. I'm planning on giving them my mind tomorrow because it's ridiculous. They already took all of my grant money for tuition, and now, I barely have enough for some of my required texts, let alone summer tuition, fall tuition and even gas money for the specimen-collecting field trips outside of class this quarter. My grant has already been cut for next Fall, I'm really angry that they decided to do this to me without reason. I'm scared that if it is legit, I wouldn't know what to do to pay for these fees... ._.

And, well, I suppose I shouldn't have any expectations for fake friends. I barely met them only a few months ago last year. They 'act' nice, and that's about it. Whenever they're in need of $ for necessities, I always try to find a way to promote their causes and have even donated money to one of them because it was a matter of life/death. It wasn't much to normal people, but being as poor as I am, it was to me...I guess I'm disappointed that the person didn't even thank me. When one of my family members was in trouble and needed funds for medicine, one of my previous commissioners saw how distraught I was and offered to commission me to help pay for the medicine. It was really kind, and I graciously thanked the person.
I don't want to sound as if I'm morally-superior or anything, but well, I guess those people who called themselves my 'friends' aren't really. I find it funny, however, that I'm poorer than them and try to do my best to help them out, and in return, whenever I need help, no one cares. I kind of wish that I never met them because I value the real online friends that I made a few years ago so much more. They're not a burden to me, and we're all mutually-caring of one another.

I try to do the right thing when I can, because it feels nice and I like making others happy...? And having such an ill-defined friendship with these others isn't really helping me and I often think that they're ridiculing me behind their back, being in their own clique and such with popular, influential people.

I'm not the type to let people walk all over me, and when I do get fed up, I would hope that it's for a good reason. Of course, it hurts when someone you used to look up to is supporting these people and finds you insignificant after so many years of knowing each other...

I haven't made any real friends at uni yet, my two best friends are really amazing, but we are nowhere near each other and one of them has really settled in well. I'm glad for her, but we barely skype. My other friend is struggling with his course. The important thing to know is how much of a friend someone is.

There's this one guy I always sit with, but we're 'default friends', we went to the cinema once in October, and he kept trying to turn it into a date. One of the lecturers asked me to give him something, but we don't text, call or email each other, we don't even really like each other that much, but we always save each other a seat because standing around in a practical to find out who else is left over is incredibly awkward.

It's basically each other or nothing, so far we're sticking with each other, even though we have basically nothing in common, we do eat together in the canteen though.

Also one of my best friends came out as gay, which is okay, but I was hitting on him, and he thought I was flirting playfully when actually, I've been hung up on him for years. We dated, then he became really distant, but we were getting a hard time at school and he didn't tell me why, then he came out as a straight guy rather than a cis-girl (people thought we were lesbians, I'm actually pansexual). He needed a friend more than a girlfriend, but we were essentially still acting like we were dating, but without the kissing, we held hands etc. Which he didn't do with our other best friend. He never actually broke up with me, so it got really awkward when people asked if we were dating, because "I have no clue, but whatever we're doing our parents don't like it."

Mum kept setting me up on dates with guys, and trying to encourage me to be straight. It turned out, that she actually just really, really wants grandchildren. and after I pointed out that if I was with a guy and didn't want a child, I'd be using contraception anyway, and if I was with a woman and wanted children, we could get a sperm donor or adopt or whatever. Now she just keeps trying to dissuade me from dating people who don't want children. She basically assumed that if I settled with a woman (gay marriage was illegal at this time) the chances of her getting grandchildren plummeted, then again, my elder sister is engaged and I like a gay guy so.......

He has some really good friends at his uni, he's kind of going through some really bad stuff at the moment, so I can't tell him how I feel, normally it would be best if I could tell him, because some distance would do me some good, and if he knew why I needed it, he'd give it to me, also sometimes he asks me for advice about a guy he likes, and it's not really a topic I want to talk about. But at the minute he needs all the friends he can get, so I am both happy and dreading it every time he comes online.

I've tried really, really hard to make friends, but it just isn't happening, it doesn't help that my parents need money at the moment, so I'm trying to spend as little as possible, so the few times I do get invited places, I can't actually go. The closest friend I have, is actually my hamster, unless you count my laptop, I named it Naribelle, I named my cyclamen Chlamydia, it died.......

I like your art by the way, the shading on your sprites is awesome.

Really, I've never made much friends since my childhood and I'm rather picky. I think that can be a good thing since you can weed out people who may hurt you in the long run. However, one of my professors told me that if you make even one good, trustworthy friend in college, you're pretty much set for life. You only need one good friend, but the more good friends you have, the less you have to worry about trying to keep up appearances or dealing with drama. I think, trustworthy friends are understanding and kind enough to accept you as you are. And really, everyone is flawed but we all should have people that can get along with us It's a big world out there!

And, at such an age, maybe you're just beginning to understand yourself. That's completely fine. Take as much time as you need to--you shouldn't have to force yourself to make friends or find romance. Do what you enjoy, cherish what you need to, and once you understand and have more confidence in yourself, go out to make friends whenever you'd like

I think it's rather cute that you have a hamster to talk to ^^ (Animals make great friends)

Aww, thank you for your compliment. I try to do my best ;w;

Good luck with everything, Cabriolean!

[Blue Lemma]

@kura-ou: What ended up happening with the university?

[kura-ou]

@kura-ou: What ended up happening with the university?

Oh, the good news is that I don't have to pay The bad news is that I'll have to start paying for any lab fees separately from tuition @x@;;; (it's usually covered by the grant, but they changed it)

Not sure what I'll do for future tuition fees, but for right now, I'll just focus on paying for textbooks, gas, etc for this quarter XP;;; I panicked, and they haven't even processed my FASFA info for summer/fall yet ^^;;;

[pwisaguacate]

I often find writing frustrating, especially in school; it just comes hard on me, whether it be something related to personal opinions/ideas, textual analysis, or whatever (generally a mix of both). I'm not a highly emotional being, but don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on bias; I have my preferences and feelings too. Yet at the same time, while I can suck in information and form reasoning within my mind, I just can't bring myself to write content down. I can't get my pen moving, especially to back up and support every goddamned details/claims. This issue is one of the reasons why I am infrequently seen in this thread.* Excuse my pessimistic tone, if applicable.

*Then again, I'm most likely not exactly going through the same shit as everybody else here is. Some people would consider my life to be partially lucky besides my lonely-looking (keyword: -looking) lifestyle.

Maybe... I'm just good at going with my own flow.

[Omnificent]

Aw hell, might as well post this here too. I think it's an important thing for people who are in their teens/twenties and feeling lost to see.

I'm 23, about to turn 24, and until recently I felt lost to the point of literally attempting to commit suicide.

I graduated in 2010 at the age of barely-21 with a Geology degree and a completed thesis. I had done no internships in college and the only work experience I'd had was working at the sub shop on-campus. To make things worse, the very process of writing my thesis had convinced me that I could not possibly spend the rest of my life being a geologist.

After college, I moved back home and volunteered my ass off (every day, nearly full-time hours) doing data entry for an environmental nonprofit in DC. They liked me so much that they were willing to hire me part-time doing more data entry, envelope-stuffing, and also phone support. I could probably have stayed there for another 20 years or so, advancing up the admittedly modest nonprofit ladder, except I was really sick of being in the exact same place I'd lived all my life and hated living at home with my mother and her corpulent boyfriend who she had cheated on my dad with back when I was 17. So I took the first chance I got and moved up to Philly with one of my former college roommates, figuring I'd just find a job there ASAP.

That was easier said than done. Most nonprofit positions ask for 2-5 years of experience in X or Y, and a vested interest in Z. I had none of these things. I volunteered with another nonprofit for nearly full-time hours for several months while looking for a job, my savings dwindling all that time. I was asked to help out with events but they couldn't afford to hire someone for a position at that time, and pretty much expected me to keep volunteering full-time out of the goodness of my heart, and also donate to their institution. Instead I cut back on my volunteering hours and began looking even more desperately for a job, any job.

I had no restaurant experience, no barista experience, and little retail/food service experience. I was also considered overqualified for many of the jobs I could qualify for and considered something of a flight risk, because I couldn't adequately explain why I was looking for a retail job when I had a BS in Geology. I was overjoyed when I got a job working at a small souvenir shop, and was prepared to work very hard for it. I always made sure to come in ten minutes early, be prompt with my lunch breaks, and be friendly to the customers. I even helped out with the newsletter. After a week where the owner practically patted me on the back and told me to bring in my W-9 that next Monday, I did so only for her to grab some money out of the cash register and tell me to get out. I did so, confused and angry. She called me back later that day to say to come in the next day and that she'd changed her mind, but I wasn't exactly confident about my job security at that point so I told her, very politely and not in these exact terms, that I had lost all faith in her as an employer and that I hadn't become desperate enough to slink back to her like a chastised dog.

The temp agency I'd applied to had exactly one position in the area, which was a work-from-home phone support job troubleshooting iOS products. You had to install your own landline for it, but I figured that this was a small price to pay for actually having a job so I could finally pay back my roommate for some of the running tab we had going. After a perfunctory phone interview, I got the job, installed the landline and was sent an Apple desktop to work from. I went through the two weeks of training and one week of observation and passed. It wasn't exactly the ideal job situation, but I was proud and happy that at least I had one.

Of course, being able to keep this job was dependent on A) being able to sell enough Applecare and B) having a certain percentage of good customer feedback surveys. Our team lead assured us not to worry too much about the Applecare part the first week and just focus on troubleshooting well and getting those good surveys. I figured I could do that much pretty easily.

Then came a call that sounded as though the lady was talking from about ten feet away. She was very frustrated and told me that she had been calling for five hours and nobody'd been able to help her, and that no, she didn't have another phone that she wanted to be called back at, she just wanted her damn problem solved. After much wrangling I finally figured out that she wanted to get Applecare on both her phones. That was like two birds with one stone for me, since my Applecare sales rate was pretty low, so I ended up processing that transaction for her and feeling pretty satisfied.

A week or so later I got a Very Dissatisfied survey from her. My team lead reviewed the call with me and told me something along the lines of "Yeah, you handled it as well as you could, I bet those last few folks that had her didn't enter her into the database because they were afraid of getting bad surveys. You can do that sometimes. Anyways, just make sure to keep doing a good job, be friendly and helpful, and balance out that survey!"

A week from that I'd gotten one good survey, but it wasn't enough to up my percentage and I was unceremoniously let go, told that I was still in "good standing" with the temp agency and that I was free to apply for any other positions. Cold comfort when that was the only position available at said temp agency and the only one that had been available for several months.

This series of events pretty much drove my already depressive tendencies into downright suicidal depressive tendencies. I was angry with myself for not even being able to turn my volunteer experience into employment, for not even being able to hold down a simple retail job, not even being able to hold down a temp job, for not getting better work experience in college, for wasting my parents' hard-earned money on my education and being a miserable failure and shitty excuse for a human being who would never amount to anything and just spend the rest of my life being a drain on the people around me. I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment because I would just look at employment signs and not have the confidence anymore to pass the interview stage, couldn't bring myself to leave my room because my roommate would passive-aggressively remind me about rent and how much money I owed them, couldn't bring myself to answer the phone because I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone anymore, and couldn't bring myself to go on the computer because I would look at job postings and sites that told me a ton of contradictory advice on how to spruce up my resume and cover letter, and what to do and what not to do when applying for jobs. So I just lay there in bed and stopped eating.

When I did go outside, I kept thinking about what buildings to jump off of and whether it was worth it to go lie in front of some train tracks. The upper floors of most buildings were off-limits, I didn't know where I could get helium to fill a suicide bag with, and I had no idea how to get hold of a gun. So early this February, I took 35 Percocets with a bottle of alcohol on an empty stomach, lay back down, and waited to die.

Well, instead I just got myself a ton of vomiting, two days in the ER, a week and a half in a regular hospital room getting my liver detoxed, two weeks in a psych ward so they could make sure I wouldn't just kill myself once I got out, a $2500 hospital bill, and the needless worry of my parents, grandparents and friends. Thank god for my ridiculously healthy liver, or I probably would have died after all. I moved back down to my parents' once I got discharged and right now, I'm relieved not to have the immediate pressure of finances on my back. They found me a psychologist and therapist down here who are frankly apathetic about my situation and had to be reminded what I was even coming in for, and who I probably don't want to waste any more money or time seeing, but at least I'm bouncing back. I'm working on finishing a game I'd started almost two years ago, taking regular walks, trying to reconnect with my college friends, enjoying my grandma's homemade Korean cooking, and thinking about working out. Plus I'm actually going to see my 24th birthday, that's a plus.

Life is tentatively good.

[Sapphi]

Life is tentatively good.

;____; Can I hug you? I want to hug you...

It takes courage to decide to end the pain, but more courage to grit your teeth and keep taking steps forward, I think... so, I admire you

[Lishy]

And the antisemitic assholes bothering me continue... -.-

[Morhighan]

So in the past few weeks I've been adjusting to moving to a new state. (From California to Arkansas.)
It's a pretty good transition, at least so far. I'm getting away from my family (which was making me suffer through anxiety problems) and I have a place to stay. The other good news is that I'm finally able to be with my boyfriend.
Anyway, the problem I am experiencing is...kinda...odd for me to think about. I keep getting very tense and terse with females around me. I'm fine with males for the most part, but I keep snapping at girls. It's getting to the point where I'm on edge whenever there's another girl in the house and I'm getting violent urges.
I think I might hate women. Which is weird because I am one! ;A;
I went to an all girls school and was raised in a matriarchal family, so I'm really not sure what's going on with me lately.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! <3

[Omnificent]

Life is tentatively good.

;____; Can I hug you? I want to hug you...

hug.jpg

It takes courage to decide to end the pain, but more courage to grit your teeth and keep taking steps forward, I think... so, I admire you

Thank you for your support. I am doing much better now, at least (in fact, I'm happier now than I've been since I was 14) and without even taking any medication on top of that. Which makes me happy in turn, because I don't want to deal with the mental health establishment ever again if I can help it. I called a ton of psychiatrists the month before my suicide attempt and they brushed me off the second they heard I was unemployed, telling me to go to a cheap clinic. I then proceeded to call the cheap clinics and they told me they were all booked up and would be able to see me at-earliest in five weeks, and that if I had an emergency and felt suicidal I should walk myself over to the emergency room.

Which I did, eventually.



Also, I wrote another thing on another forum that I think might be handy for people who are going through tough times/experiencing something similar:

I talked about it a lot already over here, and don't really feel like repeating it. So instead, I'll tell you what I wish most people would have told me instead of the same trite shit over and over again.

There is probably something you want to do. I suspect that what you want to do is something that you feel is meaningful and actually makes a difference. This thing is not necessarily "cure cancer" or "discover a new planet" or "become Mother Theresa." You should not actually go out and do volunteering right now unless it's for a cause you sincerely believe in or think makes a difference, because then you will still feel like a drifter, still feel like you're wasting your time and kind of like a hypocrite on top of that.

There is also probably something you're good at, something you spend or have spent a lot of time doing when you were growing up. It may not be a thing that you believe society considers "valuable," and you may well be right. Keep in mind that society is stupid and behind the times. Lawyers don't get paid that much anymore and they're saddled with student debt. Getting rich off Wall Street is an 80s pipe dream. The three pillars of our economy right now are A) highly skilled technical work that cannot be outsourced, B) highly skilled creative work that is very entertaining or thought-provoking and also cannot be outsourced and C) customer service, i.e. retail or phone support. Contrary to popular belief, B and C have approximately the same hours and pay about the same.

You do not want to be stuck doing solely C with your life if you can help it. You will be miserable as shit. If C is the only thing in your existence, no family or friends to escape to, no side projects or hobbies to make life feel worthwhile, then of course you're going to be ridiculously fucking depressed. It doesn't take a shrink to tell you that much, and there's only so much that medication can do for you.

So, no matter what that something else you've been doing that you don't think is worthwhile is, please keep doing it. Invest time and energy into it. Become good at it and be happy with your progress, even if that something is being really good at video games or making tea cosies or something, because even if other people make fun of you or look down their noses for it, it's something that's meaningful to you. Start a blog about it. Make Youtube videos about it. Talk to your friends and family about it. Move back home if you can/need to. Express yourself, because you only get one life to live and the biggest regret of the dying is not having done more of what they loved.

EDIT: If you have a Tumblr, Twitter, blog, anything, please reblog this message. Thank you.

[Hijiri]

So in the past few weeks I've been adjusting to moving to a new state. (From California to Arkansas.)
It's a pretty good transition, at least so far. I'm getting away from my family (which was making me suffer through anxiety problems) and I have a place to stay. The other good news is that I'm finally able to be with my boyfriend.
Anyway, the problem I am experiencing is...kinda...odd for me to think about. I keep getting very tense and terse with females around me. I'm fine with males for the most part, but I keep snapping at girls. It's getting to the point where I'm on edge whenever there's another girl in the house and I'm getting violent urges.
I think I might hate women. Which is weird because I am one! ;A;
I went to an all girls school and was raised in a matriarchal family, so I'm really not sure what's going on with me lately.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! <3

You might just be getting defensive about your boyfriend. Some women get more critical of other women when they have a SO. Not much can be done except trying to live and let live...

@Omni
I sometimes wish I could actually hug people on here, because I think you deserve a lot of them.

[Blue Lemma]

And the antisemitic assholes bothering me continue... -.-

What exactly are they doing to you?

[Lishy]

And the antisemitic assholes bothering me continue... -.-

What exactly are they doing to you?

Harassing me with the zionist conspiracy theory -.-

I refused to believe their telltale about a biblical conspiracy where Jews act bad "by nature"... X_x

One moment they are screaming at me how I'm not allowed to say being Jewish is culture, then the next moment they're telling me how Jews act inherently bad because the Bible said so?

You know. The people who try to provoke you to calling them antisemitic, and then they freak out once you do call them antisemitic, because apparently Jews are not allowed to call someone racist when they are being racist?