Mother of god I feel absolutely horrible... My new meds are killing me, I have little to no inspiration or motivaton to draw, but also no energy to do something other than that, heck, I don't even want to watch any movies or animes. Lately, Sex and the City is just replaying over and over again on my player, 'cause I can't watch it easily without needing to get too into it.
But for maybe a year now, I've just felt so empty inside, as if I'm just a big, black hole, trying to find the meaning of life (even though I know deep down inside that I won't find it, even if I search the rest of my life)... I don't even have enough menta energy to properly write what I feel here, I just feel so messed up. It's as if my body can no longer keep up with myself anymore, either physically or mentally.
And tonight, my chest started hurting, simply due to the hurt that has resulted from my emptiness and blandness. It feels like frickin' heartbreak in my chest, and the only thing I can do every day to stop it, is go to sleep, wake up, and live through as much of the day I can before I feel the emptiness tearing me apart again. Seriously, my tumblr's so depressing to look at lately. I've been trying to do requests for drawings to kickstart my inspiration, but it just feels like it keeps getting worse.
I just don't think I will ever see life in a positive light again, after what I've come to realize through my own and others' reflections, and I'm getting scared, that if I ever completely acknowledge, that life has no meaning, and never will have one, I will be driven to suicide... I'm not suicidal now, but to quote something I read recently, if a car was suddenly coming right at me, full speed, I'm not sure my first instinct would be to move..
I can't even properly describe how I feel, I'm not even able to tell if what I'm writing makes sense or not, I'm just too exhausted and too empty to really feel anythingother than occasional sorrow. I mean hell earlier tonight was the first time in a very long time that I had a rea laugh from reading something funny, which is strange, since I've always been famous amongst my acquaintances for laughing over like nothing. But for over the past year, maybe more, I'm just empty. And no one seems to really grasp how it is I feel, even my friends with depression... Just felt like I needed to at least TRY to vent, even if what I'm writing makes no sense, is hard to understand or is incoherent...