Get that thing off your chest... Now...

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MaiMai
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4621 Post by MaiMai » Mon Mar 09, 2015 12:15 pm

It is annoying when those people act like that stuff is anything new.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4622 Post by Applegate » Mon Mar 09, 2015 6:27 pm

It's kind of amusing how Disney classics turned from loveable classics any kid growing up should see to demonic films furthering the patriarchal system and oppressing women.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4623 Post by Razz » Tue Mar 10, 2015 2:42 am

I can see the finish line for my game. It's a nice feeling, but a little scary as well. Sometimes I wish I'd waited a bit longer before announcing my game. If I had known this little venture was gonna be two years in the making... Things you can do better with hindsight bias, I guess, huh?

I would get a twitter way sooner though. Been on only a month and its way more fun than tumblr. >_> I think it's the landing page.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4624 Post by yoshibb » Tue Mar 10, 2015 3:42 pm

I'm just stressed. I'm tired of people telling me that aren't hiring me or letting me go because of my shy personality. I'm tired of not having friends like others cause I'm too antisocial. I wish I was wired differently.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4625 Post by Mad Harlequin » Tue Mar 10, 2015 4:19 pm

yoshibb wrote:I'm just stressed. I'm tired of people telling me that aren't hiring me or letting me go because of my shy personality. I'm tired of not having friends like others cause I'm too antisocial. I wish I was wired differently.
I have a feeling I've lost a few job opportunities because I don't seem to be someone that prospective employers like enough. (It's not as if I behave poorly during interviews, etc.) I don't know what they think is wrong with me, but I'm neither a bad person nor whatever it is that apparently makes me useless to them.

I don't have too many friends either, but I look at it this way: I'd rather have a few people always standing by me instead of a thousand fair-weather friends.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4626 Post by yoshibb » Tue Mar 10, 2015 6:41 pm

Mad Harlequin wrote: I have a feeling I've lost a few job opportunities because I don't seem to be someone that prospective employers like enough. (It's not as if I behave poorly during interviews, etc.) I don't know what they think is wrong with me, but I'm neither a bad person nor whatever it is that apparently makes me useless to them.

I don't have too many friends either, but I look at it this way: I'd rather have a few people always standing by me instead of a thousand fair-weather friends.
That's basically how I am too. It's not like I'm not nice or that I'm rude. I'm just not outgoing or a good conversationalist. I'm amazed how many times I've interviewed for a job as a massage therapist and we've never even gotten to the massage part. I've had people tell me what they value most is how personable someone is. What about the job I'm actually being hired for? Did I miss the personality course at my trade school?

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4627 Post by Applegate » Tue Mar 10, 2015 8:26 pm

yoshibb wrote:
Mad Harlequin wrote: I have a feeling I've lost a few job opportunities because I don't seem to be someone that prospective employers like enough. (It's not as if I behave poorly during interviews, etc.) I don't know what they think is wrong with me, but I'm neither a bad person nor whatever it is that apparently makes me useless to them.

I don't have too many friends either, but I look at it this way: I'd rather have a few people always standing by me instead of a thousand fair-weather friends.
That's basically how I am too. It's not like I'm not nice or that I'm rude. I'm just not outgoing or a good conversationalist. I'm amazed how many times I've interviewed for a job as a massage therapist and we've never even gotten to the massage part. I've had people tell me what they value most is how personable someone is. What about the job I'm actually being hired for? Did I miss the personality course at my trade school?
Being personable is pretty important, though. I wouldn't want to get a massage from someone who's awkward or frigid, as much as I'd rather have a teacher who is sociable and fun to be with. Communication and interpersonal skills are vital in any line of work you pursue, with the exception of those jobs that don't involve people in any capacity. Even there, they're useful.

Now, most jobs will require positive communication and likeable people. If not for the customers, it's because people like working with people they like more than they like working with people they don't like. If you're looking to work with someone for five years, by golly you'll want to actually LIKE them.

So unfortunately, that's a hurdle. You dislike yourself, and yet you must convince others you're likeable. It's OK to be shy and not really that into talking. But you've gotta at least be confident, like yourself, and make others like you.

If I asked you about your greatest successes and greatest failures, I have a hunch you'll find the latter much easier than the former.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4628 Post by Auro-Cyanide » Tue Mar 10, 2015 9:08 pm

yoshibb wrote:
Mad Harlequin wrote: I have a feeling I've lost a few job opportunities because I don't seem to be someone that prospective employers like enough. (It's not as if I behave poorly during interviews, etc.) I don't know what they think is wrong with me, but I'm neither a bad person nor whatever it is that apparently makes me useless to them.

I don't have too many friends either, but I look at it this way: I'd rather have a few people always standing by me instead of a thousand fair-weather friends.
That's basically how I am too. It's not like I'm not nice or that I'm rude. I'm just not outgoing or a good conversationalist. I'm amazed how many times I've interviewed for a job as a massage therapist and we've never even gotten to the massage part. I've had people tell me what they value most is how personable someone is. What about the job I'm actually being hired for? Did I miss the personality course at my trade school?
I've personally found a lot of interpersonal skills are learnt. Sure they come easier to some people then others because of their personalities, but you can always get a lot better at them. Before my first job I was ridiculously shy and anxious, and with each job I had I got much better. I still get very nervous sometimes but I can totally hold conversations, call people, stand up for myself etc. I can honestly say life is way better when you learn how to deal with others. People like to deal with positive, happy and productive people so that's where you need to be. If it helps, try and imagine a person that /you/ would like to work with and be that person! You have to try and step outside of your comfort zone and be willing to engage with other people. It's not easy, but it's just something you need to do, especially for work. I think it also makes your life richer when you have these experiences that you aren't naturally inclined to take, even if they make you uncomfortable at first.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4629 Post by teacup » Tue Mar 10, 2015 9:31 pm

yoshibb wrote:I'm just stressed. I'm tired of people telling me that aren't hiring me or letting me go because of my shy personality. I'm tired of not having friends like others cause I'm too antisocial. I wish I was wired differently.
I can relate to you a lot, and hopefully offer some advice.

First, I have social anxiety and very few/no friends. The ones I do have, I don't see very often and we mostly just text every few weeks or chat online, so I'm alone a lot of the time. I'd call them acquaintances more than friends - just people I sometimes say random things to, get a 'lol' in response and maybe a funny comment, and that's it.
I think it's really important to learn how to be okay with being alone. Sure, everyone wants to have friends and that's normal and great, but being alone is great, too. You can do whatever you want when you're alone - draw for hours, play any game you want, write, cook your favorite foods (and eat it all!), dance, watch your favorite shows/movies no matter how weird they are, sing, go for walks, take pictures, explore new restaurants/coffee shops/stores, meditate, adopt a pet, take bubble baths with candles and read... just do whatever the heck you want, and enjoy it! In the end, who do you really have but yourself?

I understand being lonely. I'm lonely a lot. But learning how to be okay with being alone has made coping with having few friends SO much better. I enjoy putting on my headphones, listening to my favorite songs, and enjoying solitude. Don't feel ashamed of it - dance and let yourself smile and realize it's okay. As long as you are nice to the people around you and are doing your best to be open and friendly, be proud of yourself. If you become a positive person, people will eventually come to you. They'll want to be your friend.

As for the job thing, the key here is really to fake it until you make it. Pretend to be the happiest, bubbliest person in the room. Smile! It's okay if you're nervous cause trust me, everyone is nervous at interviews/jobs. Heck, sometimes I straight out say, "Hey, I'm a really shy person and I have trouble talking to people, but I'm a hard worker and I'll do my best. My shyness is something I'm trying to improve". I promise you, the interview person will admire you for that. If they'll be your boss, they might even help give you that extra push to overcome shyness. At least, this is what has happened to me whenever I'm honest with my employer about social anxiety. People think it's weird how shy I am but I always get hired, and I think it's because of that honesty I have with employers about my weaknesses. You need to come across as positive about them, though. Tell them that you want to get better.

And um, I kind of rambled. I'm sorry if that wasn't helpful at all. I just can relate to you and wanted to give my thoughts. ^^; /scuttles off
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4630 Post by Razz » Tue Mar 10, 2015 11:54 pm

yoshibb wrote: That's basically how I am too. It's not like I'm not nice or that I'm rude. I'm just not outgoing or a good conversationalist. I'm amazed how many times I've interviewed for a job as a massage therapist and we've never even gotten to the massage part. I've had people tell me what they value most is how personable someone is. What about the job I'm actually being hired for? Did I miss the personality course at my trade school?
Best advice I ever got about interviews was to treat them like you're meeting an old friend you haven't seen in a while. Really helps take the edge off the nervousness and the bubbly act seem more natural. :o
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4631 Post by Mad Harlequin » Wed Mar 11, 2015 12:40 am

Auro-Cyanide wrote:I've personally found a lot of interpersonal skills are learnt. Sure they come easier to some people then others because of their personalities, but you can always get a lot better at them. Before my first job I was ridiculously shy and anxious, and with each job I had I got much better. I still get very nervous sometimes but I can totally hold conversations, call people, stand up for myself etc. I can honestly say life is way better when you learn how to deal with others. People like to deal with positive, happy and productive people so that's where you need to be. If it helps, try and imagine a person that /you/ would like to work with and be that person! You have to try and step outside of your comfort zone and be willing to engage with other people. It's not easy, but it's just something you need to do, especially for work. I think it also makes your life richer when you have these experiences that you aren't naturally inclined to take, even if they make you uncomfortable at first.
Oh, it's not that I can't talk or work with other people. I do it all the time now. I used to have some trouble with that when I was in school---few of my classmates wanted to work with me---but I'm much better at it these days. I'm not unhappy either, so I don't really know what invisible signal I'm broadcasting that puts people off. I suspect, in some cases, that it's been related to a chronic condition I have, but I can't do much about that in the interview process aside from representing myself as best as I can, which I know how to handle.

Some issues are too complex to be successfully dealt with simply by being more sociable. I'm sure those of you who're reading this can relate in some way, even if our situations are different on the surface.

Still, this is excellent advice, and I'm glad to read it. I'm sure other people are, too.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4632 Post by papillon » Wed Mar 11, 2015 3:15 am

Is it bad that my approach to bad people skills has been to find a career where I can hole up in my bedroom with a computer and never have to talk to anyone? :)

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4633 Post by Applegate » Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:06 am

papillon wrote:Is it bad that my approach to bad people skills has been to find a career where I can hole up in my bedroom with a computer and never have to talk to anyone? :)
It's terrible, you should be ashamed of yourself. :lol:

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4634 Post by yoshibb » Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:09 am

I appreciate everyone's advice. It means a lot that you all took the time to respond. It's been something I've dealt with for forever and it's a combination of a number of factors.

1. I'm an introvert, majorly so, which I have accepted. I can't spend more than a few hours in the company of others before wanting to retreat to my room. It's something my family has accepted but it's something a lot of people don't seem to understand. Me not wanting to go out or wanting to leave a party early doesn't mean I don't like someone, but yeah, it's hard to explain that to people who aren't like that.

2. I have pretty awful social anxiety. I'd rather have my teeth pulled then introduce myself. I clamp up in front of people because I'm so afraid of doing or saying something stupid. I am better at it than I used to be (my relatives say I used to just make nondescript noises when I was little), but even though I believe I've improved it's amazing how many comments I get about being quiet or shy when I didn't even notice I was acting that way.

And 3. which I think is the root of my problems, I have had the worst luck with people. From elementary to present, the minute I start to put myself out there, bad things happen. I switched schools two times because the bullying got so bad. I'm not sure why I was always the one everyone picked on, I'd say the only thing that stood out about me was that I was shy. But people that I once considered friends would turn on me overnight. It continued to happen even in college when I figured people had gotten more mature. It's weird to say the least but it's left not wanting to try again for fear of getting hurt.

Sorry, I don't want to whine. I'm just so mentally screwed up that even when someone doesn't text me back right away, I automatically assume that they hate me or that I did something wrong. Or when I over analyze everything someone says or does. I want nothing more then just interact normally with people, but I'm so scared of it and even when I try to fake it, most people still notice. I wish there was a class I could take so maybe I could learn how to better interact with others. It wouldn't be so awful but for it to be affecting my work now, too, it's driving me nuts.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4635 Post by Applegate » Wed Mar 11, 2015 6:09 am

yoshibb wrote:I can't spend more than a few hours in the company of others before wanting to retreat to my room.
This is actually quite funny. Many people who I talk to say I'm a pretty outgoing person, because I laugh a lot (funny how that works) and I'm rather talkative. I'm also the sort who'd chat you up randomly on the bus or out on the streets. But after a while talking to people, I gotta have some 'me' time as well where I just want to coop myself up in my room and not deal with anyone for a few hours. My family accepts I don't attend parties overmuch because I get unwell when surrounded by too many people, and we've a large family.

So to say, it's not at all weird if you're like that. You just have to communicate this to people: usually when I tell people I get nauseous and restless if I spend too much time surrounded by others, they'll either be understanding (yay!) or they'll be asses, in which case they weren't worth my time to deal with to begin with. Interpersonal relations are a two-way street, after all. Not only does the other have to like you, but you have to like them as well. For friends, it's good to be upfront and clear about your boundaries and where you draw the line and they can go toss off and ride a bike. Anyone who accepts that will probably be a fine friend.
2. I have pretty awful social anxiety. I'd rather have my teeth pulled then introduce myself. I clamp up in front of people because I'm so afraid of doing or saying something stupid. I am better at it than I used to be (my relatives say I used to just make nondescript noises when I was little), but even though I believe I've improved it's amazing how many comments I get about being quiet or shy when I didn't even notice I was acting that way.
This is probably the most frustrating thing to have. It's something I suffered from as well, to the point that I'd rather just avoided those kind of situations altogether. Being afraid of taking a wrong step every time you talk to someone is frustrating, because you inevitably make some kind of mistake while worrying about doing the right thing. What eventually helped for me at least, was that I told myself it's OK to make mistakes sometimes and insult people unintentionally or upset them. Just be upfront about it: "I'm really not that good with people, so if I do something stupid, sorry about that." If someone can't deal with that? Not worth your time and effort.

Being quiet is OK, though. You don't have to be shy to be quiet. Some people just aren't talkative. It's OK to be one of those people.
It's weird to say the least but it's left not wanting to try again for fear of getting hurt.
That's understandable. I've a fear of rejection, which I still struggle with, so it also hampers me in some aspects. I hate asking to be made part of something, or to join a group, so whenever I do ask (because I feel I have to to move forward), I'm usually agonising over what to say and keep telling m'self it's OK to be rejected and I didn't want it that badly anyway. Everyone's got a fear somewhere, but as they say, courage is facing your fear head on. If nothing else, if you have someone you trust to listen to you, air your worries to them and tell them about it. You only need one good friend, even if they're family.

If you go into something expecting failure, you'll usually look for signs to affirm you're right, so remember that you yourself said you've just had bad luck. There's good people out there. They just take some effort to approach; it's usually the bad guys who'll find you.
Sorry, I don't want to whine. I'm just so mentally screwed up that even when someone doesn't text me back right away, I automatically assume that they hate me or that I did something wrong. Or when I over analyze everything someone says or does. I want nothing more then just interact normally with people, but I'm so scared of it and even when I try to fake it, most people still notice. I wish there was a class I could take so maybe I could learn how to better interact with others. It wouldn't be so awful but for it to be affecting my work now, too, it's driving me nuts.
You're not mentally screwed up. What you've all described is perfectly normal. Perhaps not standard, but normal nonetheless. You're not the only one who's felt like this and who acts like this, so you're not some kind of screwed up weirdo. The best class is real life, and the best practice is doing it. You can try approaching people online at first, which is a lot less scary. If you find you're comfortable talking online, try upping the ante and using voice chat. Worst case, practice makes perfect! If you can't fake it right now, keep trying until you can.

And if all that fails, just remind yourself that everyone's wired differently. Some people just aren't inclined to much socialising, and that's perfectly all right. Introverts are people, too, they just take a different approach. There's probably some sort of class for the socially anxious, and some kind of therapy for introversion, but I don't think there's anything that wrong with you.

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