Get that thing off your chest... Now...

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MomoiroGirl
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4846 Post by MomoiroGirl » Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:18 pm

Caveat Lector wrote:@ MomoiroGirl

Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. Take care now.
Thank you, I'm sorry for the late answer.
Mad Harlequin wrote:
MomoiroGirl wrote:Basically, my dad is now in a nursing home. With Parkinson's and Osteoporosis. And I only just turned 22 last week. So yeah.
Yikes. Take care of yourself.
Third, I didn't realize smoking too much, too early, too quickly would make you sick.
I'm not saying this to preach, but smoking in general makes one sick. Just something to keep in mind.
Thank you... Yeah I know (especially after that, urgh). I just didn't really care that day, or lately either actually. I'm don't intend on becoming a chain smoker (and haven't tried it again since that day so far either), but that day I just didn't care much about anything.
SundownKid wrote:I second the fact that there's really no reason for anyone to smoke if you can help it. Eventually the cool factor will wear off, your body will develop nicotine resistance that cancels out any effects, and you will be stuck with an expensive habit that has no real purpose and is only making your cancer risk higher. Ironically you would be better off tossing money down the drain than spending it on cigarettes.
Yeah, cigarettes are a waste more than anything. Again, that day I just didn't really care. I don't think smoking is cool, when I see someone smoking I usually sense they have a weakness they're numbing, or just don't really give a shit anymore (which, I suppose, is what my reasons were). I'm don't even smoke regularly, I can still count on one hand how many occasions I've done it on.

--------------------------------

I was going to make a rant, but someone responding to these brought me back to life again a bit.

(P.S. Never mind, it became a rant anyway)

I guess because my problem was that I haven't really communicated with anyone but my mom and sister for a while now (and I'm not really in a "friend"-mode with them, we're slightly distanced from each other, with some exceptions now and then. But generally I'd prefer spending time with others).

My best friend has a guy from the Netherlands visiting her, who became her boyfriend while here. She hasn't spoken that much with me with him here, but I kinda get that, since he's only here for like a week more or so. But now she just got a job, and goes days without answering me. And when that happened, I realized, that she is actually the only one outside my family, who I speak with regularly. All my other friends are either busy or also rarely answer my messages.

One of them is a guy I do Portal co-op vids on my youtube channel, which I started recently. Because of some drama between my bff and a guy she was seeing casually, my portal vid-friend dropped contact with her for some reason. My bff said, that the guy she was seeing had brainwashed him saying she was a liar, a slut, that she cheated and all sorts of stuff. He however told me, that he just got tired of the drama, so he cut her off (but for some reason didn't cut off the guy talking smack about her). He told that he definitely still wanted to be friends in spite of that. But since the whole drama thing realy got heated, and even after claiming to want to stay friends, he stopped answering my messages. I confronted him saying, that if he didn't want to be friends, he should just tell me so, so I would know to stop trying, wouldn't spend my time wondering what's going on, and also so I wouldn't promise more Portal videos on youtube. After that he answered saying him facebook messenger wasn't working properly or somethng. Now he answers with like half a week - weekly between each message.

That was too long for just one person, so I'll just stop there and say that a few others don't really message anymore for differing reasons. I was really happy doing the youtube videos, but there aren't a lot of people watching, with the exception of one video, and I was fine with that to begin with. But now it's like, stuck. And since my sister moved back in a couple of weeks ago because she broke up with her boyfriend, I'm not alone much, so that I can actually record videos. I'm losing motivation in EVERYTHING.

I'm scared of what i can and can't say to eople about my current life, since I don't want EVERYONE to know that I'm in treatment for all my mental health issues. My mom is so tired, and I know deep down inside she just wants me to move out. Somehow, it doesn't feel like she's trying to push the pacing on my treatment for my sake, but because she just doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I'm 22, have no job, live at home, no college, no real realistic aspirations or abilities to contribute to society. And we're talking about accepting that at some point I might have to retire young, if things don't start getting a serious change for the better soon.

With my dad at a nursing home or whatever it's called, I'm starting to really withdraw from him, since my OCD really trips out around old people, nurses and hospital-like places AKA very much what a nursing home is. The day he left I was so torn inside. I couldn't be happy about him leaving, even though I know I should. He said he was going to miss me while looking at me and smiling, and I could barely look him in the eye, much less say the same back to him. I couldn't even hug me, because hugging my parents makes me want to change clthes and take a bath. SO he just left with those words, while I said goodbye and something along the lines of best wishes. I can't find an appropraite translation, so basically the direct one is "be well/feel good". It actually kinda pisses me off seeing my mother so happy with him over there, even though I know she visits him almost every other day, which is more than I can say for myself.

I just wish I could do what I wanted to do. That I could just go out there, and visit my father, give him a hug, tell him that I love him, and learn as much about him as possible before he dies, which realistically could happen any moment because of his condition mixed with his age. And then sometimes I wish he was just dead already, since he barely feels alive sometimes. I'm so pissed off, that I can't touch nearly anything, without having to- or at the very least wanting to- wash my hands. Some days are good and some are bad, but even on the best days, I'm never free from doing all this stupid shit I have to do.

I just MISS having a life, being with friends, having a purpose, feeling genuinely happy in non-specific situations and not being stuck in an endless loop of OCD shit and all these other bullshit things. I haven't felt this lonely in such a long time. I'm so alone. Which feels stupid to say, considering how many people say they consider me a friend. But I just don't feel them wanting to be with me anymore. I'm so sick of being stuck in treatment and hiding that, hey, guess what, I'm a NEET! I hate going to parties or gatherings and finding ways to avoid talking about my daily life, or even having to lie if there's nothing else I can do while remaining polite (nothing big, just by saying that I'm looking for a job or something). I just feel SO empty now. I don't even know what else to say right now, even though I know there's so much more, but I'm guessing this is already long enough.

Oh yeah also, I forgot the code for my credit card today. The same code that I've had since my very first card like 7 years ago. Today I just up and forgot it. That's all I can think of for now. I'm writing late at night, so beware of typos or weird sentence constructions.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4847 Post by ZennyPai » Thu Jul 30, 2015 11:24 pm

I've been having weird fantasies about hacking and destroying everything I see with a fireaxe. Sometimes a sledgehammer or a katana, but mostly it's been fireaxe. I'm wondering if this is a dangerous thought, I might be mad about something.

Oh. A chainsaw might be good too.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4848 Post by thebackup » Thu Jul 30, 2015 11:40 pm

Okay, so there's nothing wrong with lurking around forums, right?

Today, I've found out I've been banned on this other forum, simply for lurking. Really...? How many times do you hear somebody getting banned for that? :x

EDIT:
I've tried to appeal my case to the admin, but he's such an a****** about it. I mean, mocking me about leaving the forum for a while and "making a return"... just wow. I've had respect for him before, but after reading that message he's just lost all my respect. In all the forums I've registered in my life, I've never came across an admin who came off as so a******-ish; well, he's earned the honors of being the first one.

Forget him, I'll find a similar forum that's more warm and welcoming (and that isn't hostile to lurkers).
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4849 Post by OneManArmy77 » Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:12 am

thebackup wrote:Okay, so there's nothing wrong with lurking around forums, right?

Today, I've found out I've been banned on this other forum, simply for lurking. Really...? How many times do you hear somebody getting banned for that? :x

EDIT:
I've tried to appeal my case to the admin, but he's such an a****** about it. I mean, mocking me about leaving the forum for a while and "making a return"... just wow. I've had respect for him before, but after reading that message he's just lost all my respect. In all the forums I've registered in my life, I've never came across an admin who came off as so a******-ish; well, he's earned the honors of being the first one.

Forget him, I'll find a similar forum that's more warm and welcoming (and that isn't hostile to lurkers).
If I could be banned for lurking, id be banned from every forum ive ever set foot on. Have you tried something like Reddit or Tumblr? Both should have communities that would work well for more esoteric subjects, or large communities for more popular ones.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4850 Post by SundownKid » Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:53 am

thebackup wrote:Okay, so there's nothing wrong with lurking around forums, right?

Today, I've found out I've been banned on this other forum, simply for lurking. Really...? How many times do you hear somebody getting banned for that? :x
Well, assuming the forum requires you to sign up to view it it's probably like that because they only want people participating in the forum to be able to see it. Otherwise it would be open to anons without signing up. I think a lot of private forums have policies against lurking.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4851 Post by thebackup » Fri Jul 31, 2015 11:04 am

OneManArmy77 wrote: If I could be banned for lurking, id be banned from every forum ive ever set foot on. Have you tried something like Reddit or Tumblr? Both should have communities that would work well for more esoteric subjects, or large communities for more popular ones.
I haven't tried them but will take a look.
SundownKid wrote:Well, assuming the forum requires you to sign up to view it it's probably like that because they only want people participating in the forum to be able to see it. Otherwise it would be open to anons without signing up. I think a lot of private forums have policies against lurking.
Yeah, it was a private forum, considering the topic is pretty esoteric. I've posted quite a bit in the past, then took a hiatus. When I returned and lurked a bit without posting, well, that's what got me banned. I guess it's not fair to the other contributors there if I just lurk.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4852 Post by Kailoto » Fri Jul 31, 2015 5:55 pm

thebackup wrote:
SundownKid wrote:Well, assuming the forum requires you to sign up to view it it's probably like that because they only want people participating in the forum to be able to see it. Otherwise it would be open to anons without signing up. I think a lot of private forums have policies against lurking.
Yeah, it was a private forum, considering the topic is pretty esoteric. I've posted quite a bit in the past, then took a hiatus. When I returned and lurked a bit without posting, well, that's what got me banned. I guess it's not fair to the other contributors there if I just lurk.
What I don't understand is why they wouldn't issue a warning first. In all my years, across all sorts of forums, we've only ever banned someone without warning if they do something serious, like instigating a raid. 99% of bans were from people who were issued a warning and refused to comply, which strikes me as fair - since there were people who changed after getting their first warning. If I were them and lurking was a problem, I'd have issued a warning with a two week cooldown period, and if you hadn't stopped lurking by then, only then would I ban.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4853 Post by MaiMai » Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:15 pm

@MomoiroGirl

I read all that you wrote and you have my sincere condolences. I wish there could be more that could be done for you.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4854 Post by Rinima » Sat Aug 01, 2015 4:45 pm

Urg parent's. Why do we have them.

They tell me to stop going on about something that's annoyed me.
WELL EXCUSE ME, IT HAPPENED 5 BLOODY MINUTES AGO, OF COURSE I'M STILL ANNOYED.
I MEAN, YOU 'FORCE' (they nagged and nagged until I gave in) ME TO LEND THE LITTLE SHIT OF A BROTHER I HAVE MY HEADPHONE: WHICH I ONLY JUST BROUGHT, AND HE GOES AND BREAKS THEM, SO YES, OF COURSE I'M ANNOYED YOU STUPID PEOPLE.

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4855 Post by MomoiroGirl » Sun Aug 02, 2015 11:19 am

MaiMai wrote:@MomoiroGirl

I read all that you wrote and you have my sincere condolences. I wish there could be more that could be done for you.
Thank you. Yeah it's a big mess. There'd been talk of me going to an OCD-specific place for treatment recently. But apparently my diagnosis disqualifies me for treatment there, since it's placed in the same category as "psychotic" diagnoses, even though the specific one I have is actually defined individually as non-psychotic. How does this make any logical sense? How can it be non-psychotic by itself, but placed in the same category as psychotic ones? It can't be both non-psychotic AND psychotic. It makes no fricking sense. And apparently you also can't get treatment there if you have depression, so I suppose even my light depression wpuld disqualify me anyway. If I EVER hear someone tell me, that I'm a burden to society, lazy and just unwilling to actually work instead of being on welfare, I WILL explode.

On a happy note though I managed to guess the pin-code for my card, so now I have money again. Huzzah!

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4856 Post by noeinan » Sun Aug 02, 2015 7:15 pm

I admin several forums for queer/trans people and I'm just really, really tired of all the harassment I get from private messages, people who are just trying to be nasty/bigoted.
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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4857 Post by ZennyPai » Sun Aug 02, 2015 9:02 pm

AGH!

I fucking hate myself! I only have 4 days left of OJT, which I was supposed to complete last week! But idk wtf is wrong with me that I somehow decided a few hours ago not to go to work. GOD. THIS FUCKING BRAIN!

The worst part is I like working! If it was school, I could convince myself that studying is boring, there's no point in going to most classes. But this is work! This is real work! And I blew it off today again! I'm a fuck-up! How could I be this fucking stupid?

Ahh man. I just wanna jump off my balcony and dive headfirst into the asphalt. Curse my wretched corrupt lazy-ass existence.

I already had it all! A small office where my smallest contributions seem to be glorified to the point where my superiors want to publish my changes that are actually incomplete. Where I can work while watching and downloading anime and no one gives me shit about it because it helps me get work done.

And then I fucking spat on its face and stayed home for a week!

I'm the worst.

~~~~

Oh. And also, my assumption that I'm tall has been completely shattered. Back in Saudi, I was taller than most adults in our community. And there was even one time when I got on a rollercoaster and I was scared for my life because I was way taller than the minimum height, and there was this one part of the ride where I knew that if I did not duck my head down, my scalp could have come right off. Even with a ducked head, I could feel that rail above my head touch my hair. And the ride didn't stop until it repeated itself four times.

Now i'm in the Philippines, and even though I've grown taller than before, my height is around average, and it's normal for me to see people towering over me.

There's something about it all that really bugs me. I think it's cuz being tall is respected feature, and I got that respect for a good chunk of my life, and then suddenly everyone's taller than me and I am given no comments on how tall I am.

I'm about 5'9''

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4858 Post by Squid » Sun Aug 02, 2015 11:44 pm

Shit, zen...
Don't beat yourself up over things, mistakes or not.
Just try to push harder next time, and make sure you do MORE amazing things they love.

Also, I'm 6'2".
Over here, there are still guys taller than me I see without it being a rare event.
But at least you aren't short :D

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4859 Post by Jate » Mon Aug 03, 2015 6:07 am

What's so bad about being short!?

*sniffle* I'm 5'2"...

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Re: Get that thing off your chest... Now...

#4860 Post by ZennyPai » Mon Aug 03, 2015 6:55 am

@Jate

I'm sorry. It's like this. It's better to either be tall or short, being average sucks. All short people I know get a lot of attention. So if you're tall or short, you get noticed. When you're average, nobody cares about your height.

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