Thank you, I'm sorry for the late answer.Caveat Lector wrote:@ MomoiroGirl
Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. Take care now.
Thank you... Yeah I know (especially after that, urgh). I just didn't really care that day, or lately either actually. I'm don't intend on becoming a chain smoker (and haven't tried it again since that day so far either), but that day I just didn't care much about anything.Mad Harlequin wrote:Yikes. Take care of yourself.MomoiroGirl wrote:Basically, my dad is now in a nursing home. With Parkinson's and Osteoporosis. And I only just turned 22 last week. So yeah.
I'm not saying this to preach, but smoking in general makes one sick. Just something to keep in mind.Third, I didn't realize smoking too much, too early, too quickly would make you sick.
Yeah, cigarettes are a waste more than anything. Again, that day I just didn't really care. I don't think smoking is cool, when I see someone smoking I usually sense they have a weakness they're numbing, or just don't really give a shit anymore (which, I suppose, is what my reasons were). I'm don't even smoke regularly, I can still count on one hand how many occasions I've done it on.SundownKid wrote:I second the fact that there's really no reason for anyone to smoke if you can help it. Eventually the cool factor will wear off, your body will develop nicotine resistance that cancels out any effects, and you will be stuck with an expensive habit that has no real purpose and is only making your cancer risk higher. Ironically you would be better off tossing money down the drain than spending it on cigarettes.
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I was going to make a rant, but someone responding to these brought me back to life again a bit.
(P.S. Never mind, it became a rant anyway)
I guess because my problem was that I haven't really communicated with anyone but my mom and sister for a while now (and I'm not really in a "friend"-mode with them, we're slightly distanced from each other, with some exceptions now and then. But generally I'd prefer spending time with others).
My best friend has a guy from the Netherlands visiting her, who became her boyfriend while here. She hasn't spoken that much with me with him here, but I kinda get that, since he's only here for like a week more or so. But now she just got a job, and goes days without answering me. And when that happened, I realized, that she is actually the only one outside my family, who I speak with regularly. All my other friends are either busy or also rarely answer my messages.
One of them is a guy I do Portal co-op vids on my youtube channel, which I started recently. Because of some drama between my bff and a guy she was seeing casually, my portal vid-friend dropped contact with her for some reason. My bff said, that the guy she was seeing had brainwashed him saying she was a liar, a slut, that she cheated and all sorts of stuff. He however told me, that he just got tired of the drama, so he cut her off (but for some reason didn't cut off the guy talking smack about her). He told that he definitely still wanted to be friends in spite of that. But since the whole drama thing realy got heated, and even after claiming to want to stay friends, he stopped answering my messages. I confronted him saying, that if he didn't want to be friends, he should just tell me so, so I would know to stop trying, wouldn't spend my time wondering what's going on, and also so I wouldn't promise more Portal videos on youtube. After that he answered saying him facebook messenger wasn't working properly or somethng. Now he answers with like half a week - weekly between each message.
That was too long for just one person, so I'll just stop there and say that a few others don't really message anymore for differing reasons. I was really happy doing the youtube videos, but there aren't a lot of people watching, with the exception of one video, and I was fine with that to begin with. But now it's like, stuck. And since my sister moved back in a couple of weeks ago because she broke up with her boyfriend, I'm not alone much, so that I can actually record videos. I'm losing motivation in EVERYTHING.
I'm scared of what i can and can't say to eople about my current life, since I don't want EVERYONE to know that I'm in treatment for all my mental health issues. My mom is so tired, and I know deep down inside she just wants me to move out. Somehow, it doesn't feel like she's trying to push the pacing on my treatment for my sake, but because she just doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I'm 22, have no job, live at home, no college, no real realistic aspirations or abilities to contribute to society. And we're talking about accepting that at some point I might have to retire young, if things don't start getting a serious change for the better soon.
With my dad at a nursing home or whatever it's called, I'm starting to really withdraw from him, since my OCD really trips out around old people, nurses and hospital-like places AKA very much what a nursing home is. The day he left I was so torn inside. I couldn't be happy about him leaving, even though I know I should. He said he was going to miss me while looking at me and smiling, and I could barely look him in the eye, much less say the same back to him. I couldn't even hug me, because hugging my parents makes me want to change clthes and take a bath. SO he just left with those words, while I said goodbye and something along the lines of best wishes. I can't find an appropraite translation, so basically the direct one is "be well/feel good". It actually kinda pisses me off seeing my mother so happy with him over there, even though I know she visits him almost every other day, which is more than I can say for myself.
I just wish I could do what I wanted to do. That I could just go out there, and visit my father, give him a hug, tell him that I love him, and learn as much about him as possible before he dies, which realistically could happen any moment because of his condition mixed with his age. And then sometimes I wish he was just dead already, since he barely feels alive sometimes. I'm so pissed off, that I can't touch nearly anything, without having to- or at the very least wanting to- wash my hands. Some days are good and some are bad, but even on the best days, I'm never free from doing all this stupid shit I have to do.
I just MISS having a life, being with friends, having a purpose, feeling genuinely happy in non-specific situations and not being stuck in an endless loop of OCD shit and all these other bullshit things. I haven't felt this lonely in such a long time. I'm so alone. Which feels stupid to say, considering how many people say they consider me a friend. But I just don't feel them wanting to be with me anymore. I'm so sick of being stuck in treatment and hiding that, hey, guess what, I'm a NEET! I hate going to parties or gatherings and finding ways to avoid talking about my daily life, or even having to lie if there's nothing else I can do while remaining polite (nothing big, just by saying that I'm looking for a job or something). I just feel SO empty now. I don't even know what else to say right now, even though I know there's so much more, but I'm guessing this is already long enough.
Oh yeah also, I forgot the code for my credit card today. The same code that I've had since my very first card like 7 years ago. Today I just up and forgot it. That's all I can think of for now. I'm writing late at night, so beware of typos or weird sentence constructions.
