Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

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Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#1 Post by Ryu-Gi » Sun Apr 07, 2013 5:33 pm

After my last thread: http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 47&t=20212

...I had time to think. I want to explain my situation a bit more thoroughly.

My name is Ryan. Like many others, I'm an introverted struggling artist. I'm a high-functioning Autistic, which means that my brain is literally physically different from that of the normal person. I struggle with understanding other people socially and I find it hard to empathize with others. I stubbornly refuse to change and end up in an endless cycle of hating myself. I'm lazy. I'm clinically depressed. I'm 25 and still living with my parents. I have no job, and no driver's license.

I only was able to truly make friends when i attended the Art Institute of California in San Francisco, majoring in Game art and Design. Two of them, Kura and Chris, I honestly felt were like brothers to me. They saw my plight and decided to help me out, because they empathized with me. About a year ago they decided to reteach me everything them knew about art and writing to help me get out of the hellhole I'd dug myself into. I Agreed to let them help me, and for ahwile, i thought things were going great.

But over time, problems started to happen. I was not improving. I was not listening to their advice. I was still refusing to change. Kura eventually gave up on me about half a year later. Chris sort of stuck around, telling me to return when i had fixed my shit. So I tried to revamp everything and presented it to him again, but it had all of the exact same problems that I'd had from the beginning.

Then the other day happened. I got so emo that I upset Chris to the point where he gave up on me. Any and every speck of respect and hope he had left for me vanished.

Then this shows up in my DeviantArt inbox.

http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/ ... 60pawc.jpg

This accuratley depicted all the problems I've been having. I was fine with it and I accepted it, until they brought out something I'd rather not talk about. A really big mistake I'd made in the past. That tore it.

I miss the good old days of when my friends and I used to hang out and play games together and laugh. I remember how Kura helped me to get my first date, and I remember the Christmas gifts he gave me. I've thrown all that he and his brother have done for me back in their faces, and now I realize just what a big mistake I've made. I've driven away the two best friends I've ever had, who are now unwilling to forgive me.

I may have said this a million times before, to teachers, to my parents, and to my friends, but right now more then ever, I have to say it. I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of driving people who are only trying to help me away. I can't promise that I'll be able to change right away, it might even take another year or two, but I want this sorry excuse I've been living in to stop.

I just want my friends back. So please, I need help. I need to fix this. Someone please help me.

EDIT: Another important note. My parents are also tired of my unwillingness to change, and if I don't get a job within the year, I'm going to be shipped off to Florida to a religious camp to be "Reprogrammed". That puts a ticking clock on this whole thing.
Feeling much better lately!

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#2 Post by VerdeICe » Sun Apr 07, 2013 5:55 pm

I am also autistic. Not that that changes anything. People get hurt by things. I also have my regrets. I am cold. But, I have learned that saying sorry has meaning. Telling people how much they meant to you has meaning. Forgiveness is not easy to get. There are times when you can try your hardest and people may never forgive you.

But trying also has meaning. Show your sincerity. Maybe they will open there hearts.

Your friends look like they understand you pretty well. Who knows, maybe they want to be friends again too. I don't know. That is something for you to find out, If you choose to find out. It takes time. Just remember honesty. Have a talk. If you don't talk then nothing will happen and you will know nothing. Please remember when talking to keep calm.

Hopefully they are all willing to listen.

Though, you have to understand that they may not. In that case learn. You are who you are. Find your mistakes and work to change them little by little. The best way to change yourself is to know what you want to change. When you find yourself going in a circle work to walk out of it.

I am a random stranger though. SOOOooo uhhh I guess Its not really my place to say this stuff. Just you story was kinda like mine. Ahh damn, religious camps didn't help me at all. But that may be just me. I found my own strength. Find yours I guess.

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#3 Post by SundownKid » Sun Apr 07, 2013 8:01 pm

I really don't think anyone on the 'net would be able to help you with this, at least not in a non-superficial way. So, I would suggest finding a real medical professional who is willing to give you help, as I'm sure there's treatment available for this stuff that isn't pseudo-scientific.

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#4 Post by Applegate » Sun Apr 07, 2013 8:28 pm

I understand you come here to reach out to us, and believe me when I say that many of us would like to. I admit I, myself, am still stuck in this daydream where, as a chivalrous knight, I will run to the rescue of anyone who ever needs help. It's a really childish daydream, and I really ought to wake up, but I just can't help myself.

However, there are times where, no matter how much I'd like to assist, I simply cannot; You are desperate and turn to us, a conglomerate of strangers, for help. I'm sorry to say that we will not be able to provide it, as no matter how many words we write on the subject matter, we do not know the situation as accurately as we need to. It takes the point of view of all involved to assist you in coming to a solution, and we are not at liberty to receive those; Nor is it socially proper for outsiders to mingle in the affair of friends.

The only thing we could possibly try to help with is what I feel is the fundamental problem: Your self-loathing. No one can like you if you won't like yourself, and there's good in everyone.

I've re-written this post five times now, because the right words never come to me (but still I try.) This forum isn't meant to assist you, and honestly, we very likely cannot. The best I can offer you is a listening ear (of sorts), and if you really would like someone to just talk to and vent to, you can PM me for my e-mail address. I can't help you deal with all this, but if you're so desperate to turn to internet strangers, the least I can give is an outlet.

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#5 Post by Taleweaver » Mon Apr 08, 2013 5:33 am

I moved this thread to a more appropriate forum.

We're not really majors in Get Your Life Together here, but hopefully, some of the experiences other people on this forum have made may help you.
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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#6 Post by Itwasneveradream » Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:07 am

I'm no expert on this but...yeah.

I'm just a very quiet person. If you're tired then all I can say is to rest.
I went through a time like yours when I was just tired and sick of everything.
And then someone told me to take a break.

You may not have much time, but there's always time to calm down and rest. Take a break from the things you don't like and try to look for the things that you find peaceful. At the risk of sounding weird, go to your 'happy place'.

I find that just stopping what you're doing and resting always make me feel better.

Also, 'sorry' is a very strong word. I almost never said it, I actually forgot about the word once until someone said sorry to me. If you know and acknowledged that you were wrong, all you can do now is to say sorry and make peace. It's bad to take these things to the grave.

Regarding your art and writing. Almost no artist is ever satisfied with what they make. That's what makes them want to try harder. Start from scratch, you're only human, no one's expecting you to create a Picasso. Just slow down.

Also, I find it mean of your parents to be doing that. I'm Catholic myself, however the thought of being sent to a Religious Camp to be "reprogrammed" is just appalling. God never said to change who you are, why should they?

tl;dr - Take a break and find your pace.

(I'm a complete stranger and still a child so I understand completely if you don't want to listen to me...at least I tried.)

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#7 Post by enta » Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:07 am

What you need is "doing" not "trying. Because you are just trying it that's why you can't do it.

I've seen your personal art thread and you draw nicely. Why do you keep on downing yourself? Why do you have such an inferiority complex? What you need is more courage and confidence to face what is right in front of you and what will be in front of you. It effects what you are and what you do. If you think that you are not good enough then you'll never be good enough.

It's weird to admit that I'm quite reserved. Whenever someone praises me I always say, "Not really. I'll do my best to improve more." I've been accustomed to live like this. Even if I just bumped a little on the desk, I'd say sorry. Even if someone just passed me something, I thank them. I greet people I don't know. But those were customs in this country. I'm not a good girl or anything. I'm sharp tongued and I get into fight with my parents a lot(and I hate my dad and the most of the male society). But after that, I reflect and say sorry to them. Have more confidence, compassion and courage. Learn to put yourself on other people's shoes and really, even if you can't express it in words, you can express things in action.

If your words can't reach them, how about showing them that you've changed, that you are not the old you anymore? Change your surroundings, maybe that religious camp might be a good opportunity, if not, why not start new things? Sometimes, starting anew leads you to new meetings and chances and perhaps discovering your hidden self. You're still 25. It's not even half of the average life span. You can still do something about yourself and your relationships to other people----that is if you really start doing something.

Good luck to you and hope to hear good news from you later :)

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#8 Post by Glasskitten » Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:24 am

I really hope Mr. Ryan-niisan doesn't mind another stranger picking apart his life, but here are my own thoughts...
Nice to meet you; I'm an unemployed 25-year-old living with my Mum. (I managed to get the degree and driver's license, but only because of intense parental pressure. Neither has ever been put to use.) I'm probably some flavor of autistic, but too scared of doctors and mental health records and padded walls to get it confirmed.
I can fully relate to continually disappointing people and having to keep them at arm's length to minimize the damage. (I am the only person I know of who logs out of MMORPGs when invited to a party so that I don't waste the other players' time.) It's been a hard lesson, learning to accept that most of the people I care about and/or look up to can never safely be part of my life. Remarkably, I still have 2.1 friends with whom to exchange interstate text messages--although this only works when "help" of any kind is off the table. Sometimes I blame my lack of progress on my personal stories on a "lack of support", but when I'm honest with myself, I don't even know what that kind of support would look like or how I would handle it.
My self-esteem problems thus appear to be similar in origin to yours: Too many bad experiences to repress or write off. Oddly enough, I've got a bit of a counterbalance: I guess I'm fairly spiritual, at least for a modern American. Not in a reprogrammed-by-a-dodgy-Floridian-camp sort of way, but just...I (theoretically) believe Jesus loves me because He personally claimed to. My Mom used to spend a lot of time praying for me to stop being autistic, long before she had a word for it, but she finally had the impression--in addition to me and a third party--that He wasn't going to fix it because He'd done it on purpose. He said He needed me to be different so I could do things and write things the people around me weren't qualified for. I still periodically get depressed that I've never really accomplished anything in my life yet, but to the extent that I have faith in those grandiose promises from beyond the mortal plane, I've been able to outlast the negativity.
The part about overhauling your creative projects on demand is more of a mystery to me. In the flowchart, your friends complain that you don't like changing things, but wouldn't that be a very personal decision in most cases? In other words, why do you have to change? What qualifies them to determine how and whether you should change? I'm well aware that my own closest friend would like me to write stories where fewer people die horribly, but if it ever comes between our friendship and a crucial plot point...well, having 2.1 whole friends will be a lovely little memory to go with the ones about anime club and kittens. I don't know, maybe your values are different? What are your objectives on a lifetime scope, and how does the help of friends, especially specific friends, play into it?
Perhaps, when my visual novels make me enough money, I can hire you to help with the art work. At this point, I consider you to be much more skilled than I am as an artist; it is my hope that I can catch up.
Grand list of things not officially canceled:
Salt -- the heartwarming story of brain-eating space worms
Tangent -- an epic poem and/or novel about a borderline-autistic Martian imp and her relationship with God
Kittens of the Darned -- a grimdark soap opera about sexy catgirls (Indefinitely postponed until I learn to draw and color realistically)
The Other Mary -- the most perfect fic about the most perfect Mary Sue EVER
Rockheart -- a short story about a monster who kills everyone
Corrupted -- a completely different short story about a monster who kills everyone (late Worst Visual Novel Ever)
Checkpoint 36a -- the transcription of a short multi-ending dream about time travel and undead schoolgirls
In Which the Princess is Kidnapped -- an entry in the "ordinary girl ends up in an alien universe and tries to save it" genre
Pictogram Scramble: Magical Friendship Bunny Ivy -- a Flash game about a magical girl making friends (Indefinitely postponed until I learn how friendship works)

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Re: Okay, I'm willing to try this again.

#9 Post by vividXP » Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:19 am

You've mentioned mental illness, and I think that you really need to deal with that first. Are you getting medication or therapy for your depression? Depression affects more than what you think. You call yourself lazy but that may be the depression keeping you from doing what you have to do. If you are currently taking medication and it's not working, then stop taking it and talk to your doctor about finding something that will work.

Secondly, in this economy there are a lot of unemployed 20-somethings who are still living with their parents while they are trying to get a leg up. You are not alone and it doesn't make you failure or a bad person. I think the key is communicating with your parents that you are trying to change. Even letting them help and be involved a bit will probably help in more ways than one.
Wọn ṣe bí òtòṣì ò gbọn bí ọlọrò; wón ní ì bá gbón ì bá lówó lọwọ / People think the poor person lacks the wisdom the wealthy person has; they say if one had wisdom, one would be rich

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