Help me? Q.Q

[King-sama]

Hi all~ ^u^ I want to ask you about how did you guys kept your friendships going to very long periods - like years.....like..
-how much do you talk to each other in like a week and for how long?
-what do you talk about? (please list some stuff ^^' I need to know)
-what are the things you try to avoid to do/say with them?
-what do you do to keep them entertained?
-do you fear to offend them? what do you do about it? and if you really offended them, what do you do to -solve it? (please don't say you will search for new friends >.<)

..I guess this is all I want to know. I am asking this coz I used to have social anxiety before but now I am no longer too afraid of people, but the problem is that I don't know how to socialize yet and that really damaging my life in whole D'8 //I talked to a therapy but he doesn't say much helpful things

I will really appreciate any kind answers ;v; <3
Thanks!

[Aviala]

This all depends on the friend! People are different and I don't act the same between all of my friends.

-how much do you talk to each other in like a week and for how long?

I don't talk to most of my friends very often. I have a flatmate so I talk to her daily but most of the time I only talk to my other friends when I see them. They live far away from me so sometimes we can go for months without talking to each other.
I also have friends whom I talk with only about once a year.

I also talk to my friends at school almost every schoolday, but outside of school, not much really. We play Dungeons and Dragons every Wednesday after school though!

I think I'm a bit weird in this regard, I think most people actually talk with their friends online (via facebook and stuff) but I don't. As long as I have somebody to talk to, I don't feel any need to talk to other people. I don't miss people, either.
But I think many people would expect you to talk to them every once in a while, so I don't think you should follow my example. The only reason it works for me is that I've known these people for such a long time that they know what I'm like and they don't expect me to contact them often. I also have a group of friends that automatically invites me to do stuff with them every few months, so that helps.

-what do you talk about? (please list some stuff ^^' I need to know)
I talk to my friends about
-anime, manga and video games. Our hobbies, basically.
-daily things like the weather and what we had for lunch
-serious stuff like feminism and other social issues (mostly with good friends)
-all kinds of stuff we share, like fashion taste, favourite books, etc
-We often also talk about our problems, and support those friends that need help. This only happens in a safe place though. Not in public.

-what are the things you try to avoid to do/say with them?
That really depends on the person. I have this one friend that has really low self-esteem so I try to avoid making any kind of comments that could hurt them. In try not to say anything that could worsen her self-esteem any further, and instead I try to be positive around here and support her in any way I can.

There aren't really any general things I can't do around my friends. I can act as silly or stupid as I like, because they're my friends and they understand. But of course I don't go around insulting my friends or something like that, that would be crazy :'')

-what do you do to keep them entertained?
We joke around a lot but I don't usually need to try to keep them entertained. Usually just talking is fun enough. Though sometimes we draw together or watch anime, or play games like Alias (a game similar to Taboo where you have to explain a word without using the word).

-do you fear to offend them? what do you do about it? and if you really offended them, what do you do to -solve it? (please don't say you will search for new friends >.<)

I sometimes do, yeah. I have friends who are sensitive about certain subjects, so I try to be careful when talking about those things. I don't know if I've ever really offended a good friend. Well, maybe I have sometimes but we usually just talk about it and forgive each other. Communication is the only way to solve a conflict. Communication, communication, communication. If you feel like you might have offended someone, ask them about it. Try to talk about how you feel without further adding fuel to the fire. Like, if you feel angry at someone, explain calmly why you feel angry without trying to blame the other person.

[RotGtIE]

Friends? What are those?

[SundownKid]

Haha.. I can socialize but I still don't have many friends by choice. "Hanging out" just tires me out.

If you want a constant friend I think the key is persistance. Like, talk with them all the time, make it known that you want to support them and they will support you back.

If you want to know what to do then observe other groups of friends or other people's banter. You can add in literally anything but it's up to the person whether, say, talking about black holes or playing Dungeons and Dragons will go over well.

I think one of the most important things about socializing and making new friends (or girlfriends) is that you should just start talking to people, don't wait to be introduced. Usually people will be receptive to you. People like getting help and attention, after all.

[King-sama]

This all depends on the friend! People are different and I don't act the same between all of my friends.

-how much do you talk to each other in like a week and for how long?

I don't talk to most of my friends very often. I have a flatmate so I talk to her daily but most of the time I only talk to my other friends when I see them. They live far away from me so sometimes we can go for months without talking to each other.
I also have friends whom I talk with only about once a year.

I also talk to my friends at school almost every schoolday, but outside of school, not much really. We play Dungeons and Dragons every Wednesday after school though!

I think I'm a bit weird in this regard, I think most people actually talk with their friends online (via facebook and stuff) but I don't. As long as I have somebody to talk to, I don't feel any need to talk to other people. I don't miss people, either.
But I think many people would expect you to talk to them every once in a while, so I don't think you should follow my example. The only reason it works for me is that I've known these people for such a long time that they know what I'm like and they don't expect me to contact them often. I also have a group of friends that automatically invites me to do stuff with them every few months, so that helps.

-what do you talk about? (please list some stuff ^^' I need to know)
I talk to my friends about
-anime, manga and video games. Our hobbies, basically.
-daily things like the weather and what we had for lunch
-serious stuff like feminism and other social issues (mostly with good friends)
-all kinds of stuff we share, like fashion taste, favourite books, etc
-We often also talk about our problems, and support those friends that need help. This only happens in a safe place though. Not in public.

-what are the things you try to avoid to do/say with them?
That really depends on the person. I have this one friend that has really low self-esteem so I try to avoid making any kind of comments that could hurt them. In try not to say anything that could worsen her self-esteem any further, and instead I try to be positive around here and support her in any way I can.

There aren't really any general things I can't do around my friends. I can act as silly or stupid as I like, because they're my friends and they understand. But of course I don't go around insulting my friends or something like that, that would be crazy :'')

-what do you do to keep them entertained?
We joke around a lot but I don't usually need to try to keep them entertained. Usually just talking is fun enough. Though sometimes we draw together or watch anime, or play games like Alias (a game similar to Taboo where you have to explain a word without using the word).

-do you fear to offend them? what do you do about it? and if you really offended them, what do you do to -solve it? (please don't say you will search for new friends >.<)

I sometimes do, yeah. I have friends who are sensitive about certain subjects, so I try to be careful when talking about those things. I don't know if I've ever really offended a good friend. Well, maybe I have sometimes but we usually just talk about it and forgive each other. Communication is the only way to solve a conflict. Communication, communication, communication. If you feel like you might have offended someone, ask them about it. Try to talk about how you feel without further adding fuel to the fire. Like, if you feel angry at someone, explain calmly why you feel angry without trying to blame the other person.

Thaaaaaank you so much for your long respond!! it was really helpful to me to read thank you for the time : D but I think you need to learn to reach out to people, you don't know what going to happen to your friends and sister in the future, they might get marred get busy with job etc and you know you might end up alone. I know you wont want that :>

Haha.. I can socialize but I still don't have many friends by choice. "Hanging out" just tires me out.

If you want a constant friend I think the key is persistance. Like, talk with them all the time, make it known that you want to support them and they will support you back.

If you want to know what to do then observe other groups of friends or other people's banter. You can add in literally anything but it's up to the person whether, say, talking about black holes or playing Dungeons and Dragons will go over well.

I think one of the most important things about socializing and making new friends (or girlfriends) is that you should just start talking to people, don't wait to be introduced. Usually people will be receptive to you. People like getting help and attention, after all.

Yeah, you were right about everything you said there and I do them all, but the problem is that I don't know "how" to talk to others long enough to entertain them. I try to talk to them often but when they get bored they start to rarely talk.
I know what the things they like but it's useless if I can't make a convo out of that. I guess my main problem is that I also find conversations like... a chore, very tiring -__-;)>

Observe? I wish xD I was thinking about hacking some of my friends for that haha. that's impossible to me coz they like to hide when they talk in the phone and of course they done like me to read their texts either oh well....playing games wont make me getting better with convos huh? lol

People usually will be receptive? nah I get ignored most of the times >_>'' no problem tho I have became too used to that now

Friends? What are those?

Haha xD I know I know //pats pats good luck!

[SundownKid]

Yeah, you were right about everything you said there and I do them all, but the problem is that I don't know "how" to talk to others long enough to entertain them. I try to talk to them often but when they get bored they start to rarely talk.
I know what the things they like but it's useless if I can't make a convo out of that. I guess my main problem is that I also find conversations like... a chore, very tiring -__-;)>

Observe? I wish xD I was thinking about hacking some of my friends for that haha. that's impossible to me coz they like to hide when they talk in the phone and of course they done like me to read their texts either oh well....playing games wont make me getting better with convos huh? lol

People usually will be receptive? nah I get ignored most of the times >_>'' no problem tho I have became too used to that now

I guess it's mainly a question of practice to become more charismatic. It's really an art to be able to engage people without being ignored or worse, repelling people. I think one part of it is body language. You have to act confident, not nervous or unsure. People look for confidence as a sign that you're fun to be around.

Another part of it is being articulate. And I guess a third part is having some interesting anecdotes. Though I suppose if you're an introvert you won't want to talk much anyway, but I think it's still possible to have friends.

[Aviala]

Thaaaaaank you so much for your long respond!! it was really helpful to me to read thank you for the time : D but I think you need to learn to reach out to people, you don't know what going to happen to your friends and sister in the future, they might get marred get busy with job etc and you know you might end up alone. I know you wont want that :>

Thanks for the advice, though I don't see that happening, at least not very soon. If somebody from my group of friends is getting married at some point its probably me haha. :D my friends arent very keen on getting married. But thanks anyway, maybe I should be a little more worried about losing my friends. :)

[Boomsickle]

Find common interests. Look for something you can do together such as having a movie buddy, reading buddy, anime buddy, or a tennis buddy or art buddy. Even if its just someone you casually go with to go grab a bite to eat and chat during dinner it's something to fill the time to get started. Things to avoid saying are just general disrespectful/hurtful or rude things. A friend isn't someone who hurts you after all. A rule of thumb is to not try to go out of your way to entertain them but be mutually happy to be in each others company. It not your responsibility to do party tricks. No fear of offending my own friends. I joke around with them a lot but i know not to joke with some friends about certain things. (One of my friends has anxiety if he eats expired food. It's funny to everyone of my other friends but he takes it seriously so i try not to poke fun. Though if he starts to go overboard I'll try to set him straight. Don't know how much this will help you but over all just be your self. If it's someone you can become good friends with than it will just happen naturally. If you need another friend feel free to message me, I'm always up for conversation

[Lesleigh63]

I think if you see a person regularly (like through school or work) then it's probably easier to keep a friendship going because you've got that day to day contact already established. You've also got things already in common - you can discuss what's happening at school or at work. As the friendship develops the conversations will naturally become longer and more personal in nature. So it's not a good idea to try and tell a person your whole life story when you've just met them - you'll probably scare them off. So if you feel the conversation has stopped, you might want to excuse yourself and say you'll catch up with them again later and move on. You also don't want to come across as 'needy' or desperate to have a friend as this will also scare people off - give the relationship the time it needs to grow.

-how much do you talk to each other in like a week and for how long?
Who my friends are and how much contact I have with them has changed a lot over the years. I've retained one friend from when I was in grade 6 (she just became a grandmother - gives you some idea of how long that friendship has been going.) I haven't seen her for a very long time [she lives a long way away] but we write to each other at Xmas time each year. My sister is my best friend, but that friendship didn't start until after she got married - when we both lived at home she wouldn't give me the time of day. I have a work colleague who is a good friend. We've been working together for five years and we discuss a lot of personal stuff together now that we wouldn't have in the first six months we knew each other. I don't try to keep a lot of friendships running at once - they take effort to keep them active and I also want time to myself to spend on my art and writing which are solitary pursuits.

-what do you talk about? (please list some stuff ^^' I need to know)
personal stuff - if the friendship has been going for quite some time.
TV shows
anime
the weather
what I did on the weekend
how my art projects, visual novels are progressing (if they've been my friend long enough that I've told them about my hobbies)
and I listen to the things that are happening in their life

-what are the things you try to avoid to do/say with them?
Something I know would hurt or distress them. (I had one friend who was religious, so some topics I wouldn't discuss with them).

-what do you do to keep them entertained?
Chat.
Tell them something funny that happened to me, so they can laugh.
Be willing to listen and sympathize when their day is going bad.
Offer a hand when they need it.

-do you fear to offend them? what do you do about it? and if you really offended them, what do you do to -solve it?
Misunderstandings can cause havoc in friendships. Your friend can read more into a comment you've made than what was actually said and get hurt by what they 'think' you said. It's best to confront them and ask what you've done and apologize.
If you've said something in anger - apologize.
If your friend has hurt you, but you want to retain the friendship, then discuss the issue with them.

Hope this helps.

[Lexer]

I only keep a close circle of people that I trust. They're the ones I call my friends. A few of them live overseas and I don't even see them much but we keep in touch so we know what's going on in each others life.

I'm not afraid of offending my friends. I trust them to tell me off if I do after which I would apologize. I would do the same to them. I trust them to know that if I do say something that sounds offensive that it's meant in jest and not at all serious. They know that I'm not like that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to trust your friends. You don't have to keep them entertained or have a checklist of things that you must do around them. That would actually make some people uncomfortable and I'm sure trying to adhere to such a list would be stressful to you too. You became friends because you're interested in and like each other so just say what's in your head/heart. If you feel that you've offended someone or if you're unsure about something, just ask. You'll be surprised how many problems that solves.

Oh, and don't ever feel that you're obligated to make friends with everyone. If you don't like someone, that's perfectly fine too. Even if it's someone you used to be friends with. People change and sometimes they become people you don't like. I've cut off contact with a lot of people from my high school and college days because they became people that I do not want to associate with. Like that guy who borrowed nearly a thousand dollars from me and never paid it back despite being able to afford anime figurines and expensive RPG books every month. Screw that guy. He's a jerk.

[ameliori]

I think the most important thing to learn about being friends with people is just be... a positive, cheerful person. You don't have to be super suave, or cool or even entertaining. Don't focus too much on yourself and being "entertaining". Shift the attention to the other person too. Be a good listener. Ask about stuff about them, be genuinely happy to be around them, ask about their project and their interests. Be polite and courteous. Always smile at people, even if you can't do eye contact yet (I had social anxiety too). Even if you can't entertain them, at the very least, they will find you pleasant. Soon, they'll want to talk to you again. Always remember that everyone has insecurities and they are most likely shy meeting a new person as well. When you show that you are genuinely interested in them, they will open up and soon they will be curious about you as well.


As for thinking up of things to say, I suggest reading a lot. Read a lot of types of books. Stories always interest people and it's a great topic without getting boring or monotonous when yuo are past the "getting to know you stage."

Meeting friends that last for years takes something special, so what you want to do is to be as nice to many people as possible, and find someone you can connect to.. Someone who you just feel relaxed with. This will take some time. It will not happen instantly. I've had my best friends who I still talk to for close to 12 years. We catch up once a week (they live in different countries too), and we talk about our past memories, any good books/movies we've seen recently, interesting music we've heard, our love lives, our plans for the future, current problems, opinions about certain issues, etc. This will come naturally as you grow with your friends. The topics will shift from interests and everyday life to deeper stuff like their hidden fears and emotional burdens. It's one of the joys of getting to know another human.