What will you do if you were in my shoes?

[Caveat Lector]

Hi everyones 8]
It's been a while since i thought about this....well, i am tired of sensitive people, like they get angry about very simple things...they get angry/sercastic if i opposit them my opinion, if i said no or said a simple joke...like i finally feel more confortable talking normally with others but this thing making me feel like i wanna get back to my shell and stop talking to them...or avoid them altogether
What will you do if you were in my place?

Or is it too selfish to think about this??

I am always appreciative for the responses people give me here 8'] thank you a lot you guys are the best

See, I can't just say if the problem is you or them, because you're not really providing enough context. The reason why some of us instantly assume the problem is with the person complaining about people being "sensitive" is that, 9 or 8 times out of 10 (I'll be generous and go "8 times out of 10"), it is almost always said in response to making a hurtful comment or joke about the other person, and refusing to apologize for it. Maybe you should just ask your friends what you said that made them upset--and be empathetic and sincere. If they tell you, try to see why they'd be upset instead of rolling your eyes and dismissing them as "sensitive". In fact, it just might be dismissing them as "sensitive" that's getting you into trouble to begin with. Apologize for any hurt feelings you've caused and promise to be more considerate of them in the future.

So basically, I think you should try to practice some empathy with your friends and try to understand where they're coming from instead of dismissing their feelings. Being considerate of someone else's feelings is just basic human decency.

[SundownKid]

Simply going by what you said, the people you're talking about don't seem "sensitive", they are just selfish and self absorbed. Those kind of people would rather be left alone and think that their opinion is the only right one in the entire universe. I would recommend trying to avoid them as much as possible and find people who are sympathetic to what you have to say. You know "Hey, Steve, I guess you have a point there." versus "Whatever Steve, you don't know anything anyway."

[King-sama]

Hi all~ and thank you for your.....huge replys! O.o wow never expect I would get all of these responses in short time! thanks

I don't know how I can actually explain my post more ^^' sorry guys, but I will try with an example

It's like me talking with someone and then I say some joke like "you always come here to eat our lunch" and then they get sad (it actually happened, they come a lot of the time and eating our lunch)....I don't actually realize it but only mom tell me that later she say something like after you said that to that person they became sad and that I should stop doing it.....while I find it pretty normal to say that so I didn't know how I should stop...I really want to become like a normal social person (I am pretty shy around people in general) but fearing that I would offend them always making me prefer not to talk to them at all (and you know what comes after this...they will feel offended again for me not talking to them and that's what I am tired about OTL if talked they may feel offended not talking and they will feel offended too T.T apologizing does no work here coz you know.....I didn't do or say anything yet to say sorry about (sometimes I sulk? does that count as being a jerk? it's due to so much stress I can't help it orz) and saying lots of sorrys going to bother them so it feels like I am stuck

more clear now I hope ^^' oh they are my family not friends btw it's impossible to leave them //for me at least XD

thank you all again~ <3 keep rocking

[papillon]

It sounds like the best thing to do is just to try and be understanding. They are sensitive. You are sensitive too. Sometimes both of you will accidentally upset the other.

That doesn't mean that either of you is IN THE RIGHT or IN THE WRONG. It doesn't mean anyone is a huge jerk who needs to be punished. These things happen. It's not possible to be perfect at being social and never accidentally upset someone.

Now, I'm a slight hypocrite here because I have serious social phobia, so 'just relax' is something I can't actually do myself. However, the best thing to do if possible is probably to try to take it calmly and slowly, rather than reacting too quickly to what you think you're doing 'wrong'.

It's like me talking with someone and then I say some joke like "you always come here to eat our lunch" and then they get sad (it actually happened, they come a lot of the time and eating our lunch)....I don't actually realize it but only mom tell me that later she say something like after you said that to that person they became sad and that I should stop doing it.....while I find it pretty normal to say that so I didn't know how I should stop...I really want to become like a normal social person (I am pretty shy around people in general) but fearing that I would offend them always making me prefer not to talk to them at all (and you know what comes after this...they will feel offended again for me not talking to them and that's what I am tired about OTL if talked they may feel offended not talking and they will feel offended too

So, for an example of trying to take it calmly - you were told that you said something that hurt someone else's feelings. You didn't mean to hurt their feelings. However, getting angry and arguing that they're wrong and they shouldn't be upset... isn't going to help. Nobody likes being yelled at to stop being upset!

Getting defensive and arguing that you did nothing wrong and you're not going to change... isn't going to help. Nobody likes to hear that you intend to do a hurtful thing again!

Getting sulky and saying 'Fine I'll just never talk to anyone ever!'... isn't going to help. It makes them just as frustated as you are, feeling like they can't tell you their thoughts and feelings without you blowing up.

If you can stay calm, say something like "I didn't mean to, I'll try not to do that again" and not obsess over it (I obsess over everything) it'll be much easier to carry on.

[Caveat Lector]

Maybe it's more, your family member saw it as you saying that they take you for granted, and they felt guilty and embarrassed. If joking about that person always coming over to eat makes them upset, don't do it anymore. Just apologize. And also, inevitably, we step on someone's toes without meaning to. Just apologize and move on. Don't cut yourself off from the human race forever, just learn how to be more mindful of other people in the future.

[King-sama]

It sounds like the best thing to do is just to try and be understanding. They are sensitive. You are sensitive too. Sometimes both of you will accidentally upset the other.

That doesn't mean that either of you is IN THE RIGHT or IN THE WRONG. It doesn't mean anyone is a huge jerk who needs to be punished. These things happen. It's not possible to be perfect at being social and never accidentally upset someone.

Now, I'm a slight hypocrite here because I have serious social phobia, so 'just relax' is something I can't actually do myself. However, the best thing to do if possible is probably to try to take it calmly and slowly, rather than reacting too quickly to what you think you're doing 'wrong'.

It's like me talking with someone and then I say some joke like "you always come here to eat our lunch" and then they get sad (it actually happened, they come a lot of the time and eating our lunch)....I don't actually realize it but only mom tell me that later she say something like after you said that to that person they became sad and that I should stop doing it.....while I find it pretty normal to say that so I didn't know how I should stop...I really want to become like a normal social person (I am pretty shy around people in general) but fearing that I would offend them always making me prefer not to talk to them at all (and you know what comes after this...they will feel offended again for me not talking to them and that's what I am tired about OTL if talked they may feel offended not talking and they will feel offended too

So, for an example of trying to take it calmly - you were told that you said something that hurt someone else's feelings. You didn't mean to hurt their feelings. However, getting angry and arguing that they're wrong and they shouldn't be upset... isn't going to help. Nobody likes being yelled at to stop being upset!

Getting defensive and arguing that you did nothing wrong and you're not going to change... isn't going to help. Nobody likes to hear that you intend to do a hurtful thing again!

Getting sulky and saying 'Fine I'll just never talk to anyone ever!'... isn't going to help. It makes them just as frustated as you are, feeling like they can't tell you their thoughts and feelings without you blowing up.

If you can stay calm, say something like "I didn't mean to, I'll try not to do that again" and not obsess over it (I obsess over everything) it'll be much easier to carry on.

Hmm what to change exactly? The change to fit them kind? I am feeling a bit lost here ^^'
I don't blow up i actually wish they would tell me what hurt them we dont actually talk about it (too chicken to ask) but i just dont want to hurt them anyways and want to talk to them normally without worring so much about it too

So any tips for change?

[blankd]

Families have different traditions and expectations so I'm not sure what's expected of you, but it could be productive to think of what you mean by a joke. (This also has possible application in nonfamily settings)

Take your time with talking and try to think about what you want to convey.

In regards to jokes: Does the joke you're saying have a punchline (preferable a good one)? Or are you saying it's a joke to avoid consequence for saying that thing? A lot of times people try to use "it's just a joke!" to avoid responsibility for what comes out of their mouths or to test the boundaries of what they can get away with saying.

Social interaction can be hard but it can also be very rewarding, so keep your mind open to things and don't be afraid to explain yourself if you're not sure about what you are conveying. You'll learn how to be concise, etc.

@about script flipping
It's not really all that applicable in experience since what one person may be reacting to is not just ONE instance but constant ones, multiple times; there's also the assumption that all speaking parties are somehow equal in the conversation which is not necessarily true.

[Lesleigh63]

You were the one who had the 'how to make friendship' post a little while ago.

Sounds like your efforts aren't going well. Maybe what you're saying isn't coming across as a joke and the person is taking it to heart. Try apologizing if you want the friendship to continue and also let the person know that you're not very good interacting socially with people but you're trying and want to make friends although there may be times you may say something that's a little awkward or may be taken the wrong way.

[trooper6]

I think Lesleigh63 has some good thoughts. If you are awkward around people and don't have good social skills but that you are working on it, I think it is good to say so up front. People are often a bit more forgiving if they know what is up.

[King-sama]

. People are often a bit more forgiving if they know what is up.

Not really, even if i apologized for what i have done they most of the time dont forgive and ignore my "sorry" it's only time that make our relationship work out again then..

So you said i have to change, but i still dont get what i should change about myself.. do you mean i should say yes all the time no matter what just to avoid possibly hurt them? (weird coz others did tell me that i have to learn to say no..@.@) never joke and always agreeing with thier opinions or just keeping it to myself if it opposites theirs because not doing so is jerkness and cowness?

[Rinima]

"do you mean i should say yes all the time no matter what just to avoid possibly hurt them? never joke and always agreeing with thier opinions or just keeping it to myself if it opposites theirs because not doing so is jerkness and cowness?"

This doesn't sound much like a healthy relationship at all.
You should not say 'yes' all the time, or not joke around ect ect as that means you'll be treading on egg shells all the time, but maybe learn what their sense of humour is like, find out what their trigger topics are, find out more about the other. For example, with one of my friends I quite happily joke about feminism and the such, but with other friends, it's a serious issue that I don't joke about. You see what I mean?

And if your sense of humour/personalities clash that much, maybe cutting them off is the best thing you can do to keep you all happy.

[Tyrantauranox]

Could we get an example of a joke that offended one of the sensitive people? I had a friend of many years that always told racist jokes. He did it so much that I really felt that they reflected his own ideas to some extent. Eventually it wore down on me, and I had to break ties with him.

[papillon]

So, for an example of trying to take it calmly - you were told that you said something that hurt someone else's feelings. You didn't mean to hurt their feelings. However, getting angry and arguing that they're wrong and they shouldn't be upset... isn't going to help. Nobody likes being yelled at to stop being upset!

Getting defensive and arguing that you did nothing wrong and you're not going to change... isn't going to help. Nobody likes to hear that you intend to do a hurtful thing again!

Getting sulky and saying 'Fine I'll just never talk to anyone ever!'... isn't going to help. It makes them just as frustated as you are, feeling like they can't tell you their thoughts and feelings without you blowing up.

If you can stay calm, say something like "I didn't mean to, I'll try not to do that again" and not obsess over it (I obsess over everything) it'll be much easier to carry on.

Hmm what to change exactly? The change to fit them kind? I am feeling a bit lost here ^^'
I don't blow up i actually wish they would tell me what hurt them we dont actually talk about it (too chicken to ask) but i just dont want to hurt them anyways and want to talk to them normally without worring so much about it too

So any tips for change?

No, not changing yourself to fit them, just trying to stay calm.

do you mean i should say yes all the time no matter what just to avoid possibly hurt them?

See, this? This is freaking out.

Over-reacting and trying to make a huge change in yourself will not help, it'll just make you feel worse.

It's not possible to always avoid upsetting people. Sometimes you will upset people, even if you didn't mean to. That doesn't make you a failure, that makes you normal. Stay calm.

Sometimes people will upset you, even if they didn't mean to. Try to stay calm about it.

It's hard (and I'm not good at it) but the most important tip to socialising with people is not worrying too much. The more you worry about doing it 'right' the more tense you will be and that will make things worse, not better.

Try to relax and deal with each thing as it happens, rather than trying to change yourself to prevent things from happening.

[trooper6]

. People are often a bit more forgiving if they know what is up.

Not really, even if i apologized for what i have done they most of the time dont forgive and ignore my "sorry" it's only time that make our relationship work out again then..

So you said i have to change, but i still dont get what i should change about myself.. do you mean i should say yes all the time no matter what just to avoid possibly hurt them? (weird coz others did tell me that i have to learn to say no..@.@) never joke and always agreeing with thier opinions or just keeping it to myself if it opposites theirs because not doing so is jerkness and cowness?

People will ignore sorry if they don't think it is sincere.

Now this response here, which is very over the top, can be taken a number of different ways. One is that you actually don't think you have done anything wrong, that you are perfectly in the right, and that offering up such an extreme "answer" is just a passive aggressive way to place blame on your friends and family. It could be a passive aggressive martyr thing. Or you could mean it very sincerely and you are too sensitive, every piece of advice out of proportion. There could be other meanings as well...some of them perfectly pleasant. But if you give this sort of reaction to your friends and family when they try to talk to you about things you do they don't like, it is not going to result in great relationship dynamics.

My advice is that I think you should go to a therapist to talk about your social anxiety and shyness and your interpersonal frustrations. Therapists are professionals who can talk to you in person, we are random people on the internet.

[King-sama]

People will ignore sorry if they don't think it is sincere.

Now this response here, which is very over the top, can be taken a number of different ways. One is that you actually don't think you have done anything wrong, that you are perfectly in the right, and that offering up such an extreme "answer" is just a passive aggressive way to place blame on your friends and family. It could be a passive aggressive martyr thing. Or you could mean it very sincerely and you are too sensitive, every piece of advice out of proportion. There could be other meanings as well...some of them perfectly pleasant. But if you give this sort of reaction to your friends and family when they try to talk to you about things you do they don't like, it is not going to result in great relationship dynamics.

My advice is that I think you should go to a therapist to talk about your social anxiety and shyness and your interpersonal frustrations. Therapists are professionals who can talk to you in person, we are random people on the internet.

I actually wish they would tell me what i did that made them angry/sad instead of revenging and act out of their norms, like one time my sis told me that she realized that i was sulking to her and now i am trying to smile more to her..like this i find it easier to solve these things i just wish they were more open about it than doin the revenge and expect me to know whats wrong by myself...should i ask them "did what i said made you sad/angry?" maybe? I guess i just need to focus more on when do they become angry..sometimes its not obvios at all tho

And yeah, but wont hurt to ask here too ;P you guys have amazing opinions to read and i learn a lot from you