-delete please, cancelled project-

[MelonCandy]

[cancelled sorry guys :'(]

[wingzofdarkness]

Please don't be offended when I say that the story idea is overused.
I've read several stories and seen several movies about an alternative universe where the main protagonist is the "heir/savior/most sought out person" of that world. Maybe add some twist and edge to this so that it would not become "another" story about an alternative universe. I enjoy reading the unpredictable and it would be nice to see that once in a while.

Would you mind putting up the status for the game? Such as how much progress is done and the people working on the team?

The art is lovely, by the way. I wish you good luck on its completion.

[ShadowBerry]

wingz is right, I also saw a lot of movies/animes like this.
But I wonder why Yoko is that person...why SHE has to be the one.
Maybe if there is a good reason/secret for it...
But I consider playing this VN anyway just because I LOVE Otome Games

Also recently the 'rebellious' heroine gets less and less popular so Im looking forward to a cute and lively romance between Yoko/Cane and (my favourite) Yoko/Endo...
I just have a weakness for could hearted guys getting changed by a lively/rebellious girl~

[gekiganwing]

I've read several stories and seen several movies about an alternative universe where the main protagonist is the "heir/savior/most sought out person" of that world. Maybe add some twist and edge to this so that it would not become "another" story about an alternative universe.

There's about 150 years' worth of real world person has adventures in an alternate universe stories. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (circa 1865) and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (circa 1889) were among the first, and there have been plenty more since then.

As other people will tell you, there are no truly original stories. But if you put in a lot of effort into your story, then you can make it distinct through quality writing, characterization, and so on. And you can take old ideas and shake them hope, presenting them in a clever way, or in a different package.

...Still, I don't recommend using characters named Cane and Abel. The symbolism is a bit too blatant...

Anyway, if you start with this common story concept, you can mix it up and make it different. Think about the following...

* Help us understand the Kingdom of Enilion. Is it a peaceful nation, is it threatened by war, or is it an aggressor? Is it a real monarchy where a few people have absolute power, or do a variety of people have political power? Give us any information on what makes this country distinct -- religion, climate, ethnic diversity, etc.

* It seems the kingdom is paying a blind girl named Angelica for her fortune telling ability. Help us understand who she is, and what she does. Are her abilities a form of good magic, or do they come from evil supernatural beings? Is it necessary to be blind in order to have this talent?

* How long ago was the crystal stolen? Who did it, and how did they get away with it? Assuming the crystal has magic properties to prevent disasters and diminish war/internal conflict, it would make sense that a political enemy would take it. Also, what does the enemy plan to do with it?

* It sounds like four guys with some combat abilities are trying to recover the crystal. It seems a little odd to think that an entire nation would rely on just these four people. You'd think that if the crystal is so important, that they would be mobilizing an army. Perhaps this group is a small strike force, meant to act secretly, or meant to deal with just a few foes.

* Also, why is Yoko with this group, which includes two bounty hunters and an assassin? They might be good guys, but their jobs require them to kill people. This makes the guys seem like dark, threatening characters.

* And why teenage heroes? I think this can be justified without having to say "it's common in most eastern RPGs since the mid-90s." The characters live in a world which may have magic, but which almost certainly lacks modern medicine. In a world like this, many people die young, and only a few survive past the age of 30. I can imagine that the guys have been training since they were kids, and might have been fighting battles since their early teen years.

* Is Yoko stuck in the alternate world? Will she be forced to leave when the quest ends, or will she get the option to leave? If she goes home, will she be alone?

Some ways to rewrite the story could include...

* What if the woman who summoned Yoko is a political radical, or a fringe cultist? If she is, then only a small number of people might regard the Holy Maiden as a heroic person.

* What if the summoning was a mistake? The summoner needed a person with unusual powers, but ended up with an average girl.

* What if Yoko doesn't speak the local language, and vice versa? Until she learns the Enilion language, she can only talk with one or two people.

* What if more than one or two people have been drawn into this alternate world? How do the natives deal with them? (This idea shows up in Fuyumi Ono's series The Twelve Kingdoms.)

* What if magic is really common in Enilion? Yoko stands out because she doesn't have any.

* What if she is a huge fan of fantasy fiction, and expects that things will work just as they do in her favorite series. Perhaps then things start to go amiss.

* What if gender roles and beliefs about sexuality are very different?

[MelonCandy]

@wingzofdarkness- Oh no, I'm not offended but I agree with you! I know this storyline is pretty overused and cliche. But I do promise you I intended some twist in it so it doesn't bore the gamers I dun really like cliche storylines either. And thank you! I'll add the progress soon after I thought some things out

@ShadowBerry- Yep Yep I understand I'll try not to disappoint you! XD

@gekiganwing- Wow thanks for the advice and suggestions! I'll make sure I'll think of some new ideas to make the story more interesting

[ShadowBerry]

geki gave some good topics to work on, I'm impressed o:

Well Melon~
If you can't get far enough, I would like to lend you a hand if you need one.
I am not a pro in such things but every now and then my Fantasy can bring a lot of good ideas

[MelonCandy]

geki gave some good topics to work on, I'm impressed o:

Well Melon~
If you can't get far enough, I would like to lend you a hand if you need one.
I am not a pro in such things but every now and then my Fantasy can bring a lot of good ideas

Wow Thanks! I'll be glad to hear your suggestions and feedback XD

[ShadowBerry]

Hehe, yay someone who wants my ideas xDDD
Okay, well I could help you a little when I know YOUR ideas...
Not that I make a total different story out of it ;P

[MelonCandy]

Whoot my first screenshot
As you can see there's no fancy gui and stuff YET.
I'm still getting the hang of this program so I might take a while to decorate it

Yay~ First screen shot :)

[ShadowBerry]

Wow I like it.
And I just saw the two new Character Desings.
Cute, I didnt expect Abel to be so cute, cheerful - but always carrying a Sword xDD
And Merry...(besides that the Name sounds ridiculous when you know his character) being the youngest...you don't see that at all xD

Oh btw, I kept thinking about the reason for Yoko coming there, who that woman really is...and who stole the Crystal.
Just an idea, if you wanna read it I can write you a PM >_<

[MusicaFate]

First of all, your art looks familiar. I can't put my tongue on it, but it looks too familiar.

Anyways, what they said was right...it's too...eh. "Mainstream" and "lacks" something. You should put a bit more description and more thoughts into the whole story line.
gekiganwing gives various examples on how to change your story and add a bit of flavor and spice to it.

A crystal...so what is so special about this crystal? Could any ordinary man steal it? I don't know...but I think you should add a twist with that crystal thingy. It might add some more conflicts which would lead to more character development....also, o______o wouldn't the crystal be like heavily guarded? IDK....but you make it seem like it just happened randomly. Maybe not, I think the main character should develop some sort of relationship with the villagers to find out what really happened to the crystal. There could have been some conflict within the country...also why is only this kingdom protected by the crystal? What makes the kingdom itself so special and what not?

Add more description to your characters so others can grasp what their true personalities are...because I find all of the characters very boring and typical. It's like "what's so important about them?"

I hope to see some character development and some in depth plot development. Otherwise, this story seems to be "just another story"

My dear, make it your own and touch the hearts of other people with your words *_* GOOD LUCK.

[MelonCandy]

@ShadowBerry- Thanks Yeah, there's a reason for his sword carrying, and as for Merry I do agree he does look kinda old for his age but oh wells no one is perfect!

@MusicFate- Is that a bad thing? Cause I can draw other styles but this is what I find most comfortable. And once again with the story, its not completed and I do have a reason for everything I just don't want to spoil anything. But thank you anyways.

[ShadowBerry]

Hmmm I advise you too put the Screenshot in your Main Post as well as Progress from the Game (as for how far is the story, soundtrack etc.) and of course the Credits :3

I like Endo the most I think (Merry is close though ;3)

[Auro-Cyanide]

First of all, your art looks familiar. I can't put my tongue on it, but it looks too familiar.

That's the first thing I thought too XD It looks very similar to mcandy's style. They had Lucky~ annnnnd.... what was the other one...Who is he? I think. There was another one too at one stage that reminded me of the style.

[MelonCandy]

@ShadowBerry- Will do

@Auro-Cyanide- Oh I just looked her/him up and yeh it does look similar o_o Well I guess we have similar ways of drawing!