The ELECT: Ascendance - Part 2 of 5 Completed

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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#46 Post by MorphineSoldier » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:29 pm

This is probably an odd place to make my first post here, but I've been a lurker here since forever ago. and just recently decided to register, and maybe get involved.

Anyways, I'm not much experienced with the whole creation scene, other than what I've read here as a lurker, but I'd like to learn more, and am looking for ways to do so, since I think VNs deserve a lot more attention than they get outside of Japan.

That said, if you could [somewhat] enumerate what you're looking for in a story editor [unless I'm mistaken and you no longer need one,] I think I could possibly be of help in that department, assuming it's not much different than what's required when doing the same with a normal text novel. [Minus multiple paths, of course.]

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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#47 Post by Nafai » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:33 pm

DrakeNavarone wrote:
Nafai wrote:Jessica... retooled her personality.
I'm both excited and scared at the same time. I really liked Jessica, but I trust you to do an even better job this time. Treat her with care!!!

(Also, as much as I'd love to hop on again as your story editor, these days I feel like I barely have enough free time for me, so aiding someone else with their project is out of the question, unfortunately... Here's hoping you find someone to help you out, and good luck with this!!! I'm still looking forward to it!)
Drake! Great to hear from you ^_^

Yeah I loved Jessica too... but I was having a lot of trouble with maintaining it consistent with her background... And then when I did a major change in that said background, happy-hyper-bubbly Jessica just didn't make much sense. I miss the old Jessie too... but this way allows for more friction with Cynthia and Alis (CC - I renamed her so my main girls would have different starting initials -_-).

I totally understand the lack of free time issue - as before much as I'd love to have you aboard again, I'd rather you finish your projects than help with mine, since I'm a fan of you work ^_^ But I'm happy you're still enthusiastic about this! You'll probably be the one to tell me later on if what I've done with the game is an improvement or not :P
MorphineSoldier wrote:This is probably an odd place to make my first post here, but I've been a lurker here since forever ago. and just recently decided to register, and maybe get involved.

Anyways, I'm not much experienced with the whole creation scene, other than what I've read here as a lurker, but I'd like to learn more, and am looking for ways to do so, since I think VNs deserve a lot more attention than they get outside of Japan.

That said, if you could [somewhat] enumerate what you're looking for in a story editor [unless I'm mistaken and you no longer need one,] I think I could possibly be of help in that department, assuming it's not much different than what's required when doing the same with a normal text novel. [Minus multiple paths, of course.]

~That lurker guy you've never seen before.
Nice to meet you! Always good to add another to the cause of international VN's ^_^

As far as story editing needs are concerned, what I really need is a pair of fresh, critical eyes. I need someone to tell me, for instance, if there are any logical inconsistencies to my story, whether minor ("Isn't she angry with him in this branch? Why would she be flirting?") or major ("Wait wait - didn't you kill him off already? How is he in the party?"). I need to know if in trying to keep the readers guessing I'm withholding too much information from the readers, or if in foreshadowing future events I'm spoiling them. I'd need to know if my plot twists or character revelations make sense - I know the past, present and possible futures of these characters, so its always a danger that what makes sense to me may not sense to the audience. Similarly I'd need to know if the characters I created are believable, and likeable - at least to a certain degree (you can't win them all ^_^)

Some feedback on the more 'gameplay' related mechanics would help as well, such as knowing whether a reader might want to be given a menu choice at a point where I'd given the protagonist an automatic response/action, or if this or that branch needs to be fleshed out to distinguish it from this other branch.

The downside of course being that you'll be spoiled as to the story before the game comes out... the upside being you can make that story even better ^_^

If you're still interested MorphineSoldier, (or anyone else - there's room for more than one) let me know ^_^
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#48 Post by MorphineSoldier » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:41 pm

You can officially count me as "still interested."
I love that kind of stuff, because [a.] I'm a bit of an ass-hole, and I get my kicks from tearing holes in other people's dreams. (Only a slight exaggeration. I'll only tear open holes that are already there.) and [b.] It gives me stuff to read so I don't have to keep buying books. [c.]
It means I'm not doing things I really should be doing. likewritingmyowndamnbook.
Ahem.

If there's any specific information you need in return from me at this point, I'll do my best to oblige.
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#49 Post by Nafai » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:30 am

*laughs* Great! (Although (c) is a bit of an I-dunno-if-that's-a-good-thing :P) All I'd need right now then is an email address for me to send the script to so that you can give part 1 a look-see.

And, as I told Drake, if ever you need time out for any of your own projects, I'll completely understand ^_^
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#50 Post by MorphineSoldier » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:35 am

At risk of being stalked to death, my e-mail is this:
This chest is empty =(
The spoiler tags will save me from rapists! xD

As of right now, I don't foresee my projects taking up much of my considerably unoccupied time, and since I always need time to step-back and re-gain perspective, I always have time to do other things.
[Note to self: Developing tunnel-vision and rocketing along results in really shoddy writing.]
Last edited by MorphineSoldier on Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#51 Post by Nafai » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:52 am

Got it! You can edit it out now to be safe ^_^

I'm assuming though that you meant the email service of that site-which-rhymes-with-Poogle? I think it was missing a letter...

In any case, sending it now. Hope you don't mind that it's in Ren'Py script format... I write faster when I do it this way, and can mark areas for programming later on.

We can run our back-and-forth commentary here in this thread (with spoiler tags as required) or through PMs or through emails as you prefer.

Thanks again!
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#52 Post by MorphineSoldier » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:58 am

Yeah, my keyboard's been a little dusty. I need to take some air to it so it starts picking up all my letters again. xP
[Isn't poogle that little limited edition dog thing from like. . . a decade ago on Neopets? o.o And why did I even think of that? WHY?]
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#53 Post by MorphineSoldier » Sat Mar 22, 2008 7:19 pm

Alright, I've gotten through the whole of that document, a total of 81 pages of script after I imported it into a word processor.

The biggest issue was the spelling and some sentence structure issues, but it's a draft so I assume those will all get worked out at a later date. It's more important to get it all out there first.

Other than that, actual issues in the story were minimal, after I got used to reading the multi-path tags.

Here's what is there:
Wonky Sentence: Not so much a story issue as just an uninterpretable sentence.

""Well, I hope you haven't changed much since - your entrance interviewers are ready for you.{p} Well, most of them at least."

Mostly the first part.
A minor continuity/believability issue: MC knows nothing of the interview process, which he could have reasonably heard from others who had gone through it and failed, or even those who passed but had mentioned it before moving in. However, he has "heard tell" of the student council election process and the internal politics, which would be a completely internal matter, and little of that would leak into the rest of the world.
Minor redundancy issue: In the quiz segment, the first and last "wrong" reactions are the same, but it doesn't makes sense for the the fourth question, the one about the Dervish and the Desert Demon, where the answers are either "Desert Demon" or "Gemini."
The response from Kat was: How could you get something so simple wrong? The names are different! [also her reply to the first True or False question if you picked false.]
Not an issue, but props to you for using a not so abused event for the catalyst of the alternate history. Yugoslavian earthquakes are much better than just another WWII "OMG HITLER SUMMONED EVIL!" thing.
GODDAMNIT! WHY'D YOU GO AND KILL KAT? XD
Not an issue, I'm just reeling back over it. Asshole.
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#54 Post by Nafai » Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:00 pm

MorphineSoldier wrote:
The biggest issue was the spelling and some sentence structure issues, but it's a draft so I assume those will all get worked out at a later date. It's more important to get it all out there first.
Uwah, you work quick! Thanks for the feedback... My spelling degrades if I'm writing quickly so yeah, I'll have a lot of tweaking to do later, but as you said what's important is getting it out.
Wonky Sentence: Not so much a story issue as just an uninterpretable sentence.

""Well, I hope you haven't changed much since - your entrance interviewers are ready for you.{p} Well, most of them at least."

Mostly the first part.
Noted. I'll try to amend that ^_^
A minor continuity/believability issue: MC knows nothing of the interview process, which he could have reasonably heard from others who had gone through it and failed, or even those who passed but had mentioned it before moving in. However, he has "heard tell" of the student council election process and the internal politics, which would be a completely internal matter, and little of that would leak into the rest of the world.
Hm... Good call. Didn't think of it that way. I'll try to make that have more consistency.
Minor redundancy issue: In the quiz segment, the first and last "wrong" reactions are the same, but it doesn't makes sense for the the fourth question, the one about the Dervish and the Desert Demon, where the answers are either "Desert Demon" or "Gemini."
The response from Kat was: How could you get something so simple wrong? The names are different! [also her reply to the first True or False question if you picked false.]
Ah I knew I forgot to change a part - damn you cut and paste! I'll rework that. Thanks!
Not an issue, but props to you for using a not so abused event for the catalyst of the alternate history. Yugoslavian earthquakes are much better than just another WWII "OMG HITLER SUMMONED EVIL!" thing.
Well the quakes were more an effect than a cause of the arrival of Apollo and co, but what really happened during the Hail of Fire is central to the larger story - and hence won't be really touched upon much in this episode ^_^ (Though as stated, you can ask me for the scuttlebutt)

Major Spoiler Alert: (I know its in spoiler tags but thought I'd put this in so there are no regrets ^_^
GODDAMNIT! WHY'D YOU GO AND KILL KAT? XD
Not an issue, I'm just reeling back over it. Asshole.
Well if it got a reaction out if you then I'll consider that a job well done. ^_^ Well, look at it this way - if it didn't happen we wouldn't have the game :P (And no choice of romance as Kat pretty much had MC tied like a prize hog). This is the catalyst for everything that follows, and rest assured it means Kat will continue to make her presence - or absence - felt...
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#55 Post by MorphineSoldier » Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:36 pm

I do try to work quickly. Also, 20,000 words is very, very little text to go through really. I can go through a standard novel in less than a day, most of the time, and still get pissed off at the typos that editors don't catch before the first edition goes to print. xD


THE SPOILAGE CONTINUES! D<
Definitely good for a reaction. She was a likable character, and focus was on her just enough that I never saw it coming. [A problem I had with FFVII was that Aerith was never as important in the game as the fandom made her out to be. You could see her death coming from a mile away, and it was executed poorly. Aerith wasn't a character - she was a plot device. I like it when character death is done well.]
'Course, it does pretty much tell the tale of the Jessica path immediately, so I'd be careful not to make that too predictable. [There's almost no preventing her from being tsundare. She's completely set up for the chara-type. This isn't a bad thing, just a thing.]
Quick question, that just occurred to me:
You made a big deal of noting the restrictions on mind-power types in the segment before the quiz with Jessica.
It seems obvious, to me anyways, that Kat was of that variety. Was she Empowered the whole time, but didn't get noticed? Or did she awaken at that last moment before she died?
Unless I misread that last bit horribly, it seems that she 'willed' the MC to run away.
Also, there had been a couple other incidents with her that had resulted in little issues with the MC's head, right from Kat's 'landing.'
And one more thing:
MAy as well accept this now.
Apollo seems to fall under the popular super-villain category of Too Good Not To Be Evil.
People like Lex Luthor and Harvey Dent [Two-Face] who started out in the comics as being just short of saintly, and then turned out to be EVILINCARNATE.

If he turns out to ACTUALLY be a good guy, that'll be the greatest twist in literary history. xP
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#56 Post by Nafai » Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:15 am

MorphineSoldier wrote:I do try to work quickly. Also, 20,000 words is very, very little text to go through really. I can go through a standard novel in less than a day, most of the time, and still get pissed off at the typos that editors don't catch before the first edition goes to print. xD
Well books really ought to have quite the extensive proofreading process before they're released so that's an excusable emotion to feel...

...and man. I used to think I could read fast :P
THE SPOILAGE CONTINUES! D<
Definitely good for a reaction. She was a likable character, and focus was on her just enough that I never saw it coming. [A problem I had with FFVII was that Aerith was never as important in the game as the fandom made her out to be. You could see her death coming from a mile away, and it was executed poorly. Aerith wasn't a character - she was a plot device. I like it when character death is done well.]
What I didn't see coming was the inability to revive her over the course of the game :P I'm surprised but gratified that Kat's fate wasn't a foregone conclusion... I was afraid that people might come into this knowing it's a multi-branch VN, and realize that the fact the MC starts off with a girlfriend bodes ill for the girlfriend...
'Course, it does pretty much tell the tale of the Jessica path immediately, so I'd be careful not to make that too predictable. [There's almost no preventing her from being tsundare. She's completely set up for the chara-type. This isn't a bad thing, just a thing.]
Yeah, this was one of the changes i made to Jessie's personality, though I hope that the background I give makes it so that she'll be more than your typical tsun-tsun-dere.
Quick question, that just occurred to me:
You made a big deal of noting the restrictions on mind-power types in the segment before the quiz with Jessica.
It seems obvious, to me anyways, that Kat was of that variety. Was she Empowered the whole time, but didn't get noticed? Or did she awaken at that last moment before she died?
Unless I misread that last bit horribly, it seems that she 'willed' the MC to run away.
Also, there had been a couple other incidents with her that had resulted in little issues with the MC's head, right from Kat's 'landing.'
Wow you're good. I hope I wasn't too obvious.
Yes Kat was Empowered the whole time - but she was noticed a long time before. She's already a Neo, and was enrolled in AI on an ongoing special mission. And yes, she did in fact tweak Jin's mind to make him run off.
And one more thing:
MAy as well accept this now.
Apollo seems to fall under the popular super-villain category of Too Good Not To Be Evil.
People like Lex Luthor and Harvey Dent [Two-Face] who started out in the comics as being just short of saintly, and then turned out to be EVILINCARNATE.

If he turns out to ACTUALLY be a good guy, that'll be the greatest twist in literary history. xP
Yeah, it was kind of hard not to paint too nice a picture of the guy - but that'd be how he'd reasonably be seen at the institute.
As for villainy, it depends - if you've read Watchmen, do you consider the main villain (name withheld just in case) to be evil incarnate? Beings like Apollo tend to see things a wee bit differently than regular folks, and I hope I'll be able to express that later on.
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#57 Post by MorphineSoldier » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:27 am

The Watchmen is the exception to just about every comic book rule. You really shouldn't bring it up when talkin' bout cliches. xD

Once in a generation something comes along that's JUST. THAT. GOOD.

Watchmen was definitely one of those things.
[Though I think the era cheated, since it got Death: The High Cost of Living as well.]


I'd say besides what's been mentioned -- so far so good, we ain't got any major fuck-ups on tap, and I'm hoping that what's to come is as smooth as that was. xD

[Unlikely, just because now there's actual PATHS to deal with. rather than incidental alternate events.]
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#58 Post by Nafai » Thu May 22, 2008 1:21 pm

May 2008 Update:

Slower progress than I'd like -work has been giving me a pounding, and these new scenes have been tough to write. Still, I'm soldiering on - try to do a little bit of work on the Elect every few days, even if its just jotting random ideas in a notepad.

Here's the tale of the lint:
The game contains 1971 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 20653 words.
For an average of 10.5 words per screen.
The game contains 15 menus.
*sighs* Still a long way to go. I really, really wish I can get this done. Its hard for me somehow to move on to anything else without finishing at least Episode 1... I just keep coming back to it.
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Re: The ELECT: Ascendance

#59 Post by Nafai » Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:43 pm

Hey all - here's the June/July Update :)
The game contains 3267 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 32050 words.
For an average of 9.8 words per screen.
The game contains 25 menus.
Story-wise I'm doing the first scenes of friction between the girls (hence my request for help over in the Ren'py proper section), and I'm going to have to start being careful I achieve a semblance of balance in the quantity and quality of scenes I have for each of the girls. Ironically, its my favorite girl of the 3 who is giving me the most problems - but then that's probably because she just isn't Main Heroine material @_@
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Part 2 of 5 completed

#60 Post by Nafai » Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:26 am

The game contains 3716 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 36166 words.
For an average of 9.7 words per screen.
The game contains 25 menus.
At last, the second part of the game is completed :) Will work a bit on a short story for a contest, then back to work on part 3, which is the last of the more "normal" parts of the game.

If anyone is up for a proofread (is Morphine still around?) let me know ^_^
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