Lemma Soft Forums

Here is an idea for my first VN.

I've contemplated whether or not to post this now or later (when I have more progress to report), but I've decided that I may need some feedback before I continue any further.
Critique about the story and character descriptions would be very helpful, thank you
FEATURES
GxB, urban fantasy (fictional world setting), psychological
2+1 unlockable romanceable guys
3 good endings and unlockable side stories
Final word count will likely exceed 20000 words (if I can finish this, and I'm hoping I will)
Original sprites and CGs
It will be free!
BGs and BGM will be taken from various free sources I can find

SYNOPSIS
An albino, a refugee, an orphan adopted into the violent Baku Clan - Shinon long wondered what is her purpose in life, raised only as a killing tool because of a power she can't even control. The only light she can grasp is the remote possibility her parents are still alive, waiting for her across the borders in war-torn Suiden Province. She needs to get there, by any means, even if she must betray the only people who were ever kind to her...

CHARACTERS (surname first, given name last)



Name: Baku Shinon
Meaning of name: Baku = white, Shinon = new wave
Age: 15
History: Protagonist of the story. A war orphan from the province of Suiden, adopted by the revolutionary Baku Clan during their flee to Kou province. She has been neglected and bullied since early childhood, leading her to develop a selfish, cynical personality, doing whatever it takes to survive regardless of right or wrong. Possesses the ability to exert tremendous physical force on things she touches (can bend metal and break planks of wood for instance), but she can barely control this ability, resulting in constant injuries to herself and her subsequent fear of contact with others. She believes this is the sole reason why the Baku adopted her, so she can become one of their fighters when she grows up. She resents this, so rather than aiding the Baku in their criminal activities, she would rather return to Suiden to find her parents, or avenge them if they are dead.



Name: Hon Xin
Meaning of name: Hon = man, Xin = star
Age: 17
History: School idol. Athletic, top grades, good looks - he's the guy every girl at school has eyes on. To top it all up, he comes from the rich Hon family, a branch of the Yan Clan that pretty much rules Kou Province from the shadows with their vast connections in the military, economy, and legislature. But this is all a facade, as his true desire is a simple life, away from the darkness of politics. Despite his popularity, he sees Shinon's loneliness as a mirror of his own desolation, and can't help but want to connect with her as he thinks she is the only one who would be able to understand him. He is engaged to his childhood friend and student council president, Yan Suiyi, who is the second daughter of the Yan main branch.



Name: Baku Wan
Meaning of name: Baku = white, Wan = bay
Age: 16
History: Wan is a brotherly figure to Shinon, one of the only people she trusts in the world. He is a member of Shinon's adoptive clan, and like her, he has been neglected by the others because he is an illegitimate child from one of his mother's many premarital affairs. He doesn't even know who his father is, as his mother left him behind when he was just an infant to marry outside of the clan, disappearing without a trace. Like all other Baku members, he has been trained in martial arts as a child so he can one day partake in their clan's criminal activities, which sustains their living as despised immigrants. Very quiet, very awkward to talk to; even Shinon finds it difficult to understand his true thoughts at times.


(this image is a placeholder)

Name: ???
History: A member of the Tsuki Gang, a criminal organization founded by the Kon Clan, allies of the Baku during the revolution in Suiden Province. The Tsuki Gang runs a "Red Card" system, in which participants perform missions, as written in red cards delivered to them, for credits which they can use to purchase intelligence or illegal services from the gang. He is the man who assigns Shinon her red card mission, which she hopes to complete in order to re-enter Suiden.

PROGRESS
Story: 70%
Script: 10%
Programming: 10%
Sprites: 10%
CGs: 0%
(Some BGs and BGMs have been gathered, tentatively, for this project. Will update with credits when I've made a final decision to use them)

In the future I may need editors and beta-testers, but this is very far off as of yet.

ok so I am as new as you in the visual novel world, but i know quite a lot about 'em [ observing is one of my strong points ^^ ]

Interesting premise, interesting characters. Prett art, too. I'll try not to stalk Baku Wan too much..

All in all, looks really good. I would definitely play it as soon it is released.

I wish you good luck with your first project !

Thanks very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

I'm glad you liked Wan's design. I've struggled with his design for a considerable time - this is the 2nd version I'm posting. I'll likely modify Xin's design as well, as I noticed that my art style has changed a little over the course of working on this game.

Working on Wan sprites now. Here are two.



I have the draft for two additional poses, but I'll probably finish all the outfits and expressions for this first one before I touch the other poses.

Script has reached 5000 words or so - I'll be starting on the individual routes from here on.

Hah, when I saw "Red Card" my first thought was "Ooooh, like F4!" Lol. )

Ahem, anyway...
This seems pretty dark to me. ^^ I like it. Oh, and your art reminds me of some old-style anime when I was a toddler. Like Sailor Moon and Dragon Balls. I like your art too. ^^ Especially Hon Xin's. Hahaha. I like Wan, but he seems to muscle-y for me. )

So, Hon Xin is like... a modern Prince Charming, eh? Like Wan seems to be the bad boy type. I've seen those types in other visual novels, but I still find them interesting.

I'm curious about some things.
1. Why did you put the meanings of the names? Will they have an impact to the story?
2. (Just a clarification please. Haha.) The Tsuki gang gives out red cards, right? (It reminds me of Akatsuki! Tsuki, and aka = red! Mehehe.) But they're allied with the Baku clan? So... if Shinon wants to escape the Baku clan, why will she follow the Tsuki gang? I mean, they're like "friends" or something, aren't they? Ehh, I dunno, just a bit confused on that part.

So... yeah, I'll be looking out for this project. Wishing you the best of luck! ^^

(P.S. I hope the final word count will be more than 20,000. That's a bit on the short side for me. ^^ Haha.)

Thanks for your insightful comments, Ran08! I really appreciate the feedback.

I like to think of Xin as a modern Prince Charming type on the surface, but I intend on delving deeper into his true personalities and ambitions in the actual novel (which is why I labelled this story as "psychological"). Similarly, Wan will have a back story to dig into why he appears the way he does.

I put the meanings of the names because in the fictional culture of this story, the [given] names are not generic (as in, few people share the same given names). They are picked by the parents for the meaning of the words, so while the given names may not have a huge impact on the story itself, they are designed to reflect the parents' idealistic pictures of who their sons/daughters would become. Thus, the characters of this story try to live to those standards, although these may not be their true personalities. The surnames' meanings play a larger part in the story's plot by a similar logic - they represent the ideals of each clan.

Rather than calling the Tsuki and the Baku true allies, they simply fought on the same side during the revolution because of their similar ethnicity. Once they migrated to Kou Province upon losing the war, they went separate ways (simply speaking). They are not enemies, but they are not friends either. Also, Shinon doesn't want to follow the Tsuki, but rather wants to use them for her own purposes. Hope that answers your question without revealing too much?

Thanks a lot for your kind attention. Let's hope I have more to show next time

You're welcome! I like giving feedback as much as I love receiving them. Hahaha.

Ahaaa~ We have similar character types for our visual novels. But of course, with different backgrounds. I'm looking forward to their individual stories! The psychological part is an intriguing point for me.

Oh, I see! Still, it would be really interesting for me if you can somehow show that their personalities are in some way connected to their names. I don't know, I just think it would be a lot more meaningful. Although, yes, wanting to live with those standards their names set up for them is also a nice addition to the story.

Hmm... so, it's like that, huh? Sorry, I was confused about that. ^^ Um, another question! (Oh, I hope you're not too annoyed. Haha.) So, is Shinon willing to let herself be "used" by that gang just because she wants to use them as well? By use... I mean, by letting herself do missions for them for those credits.

Haha, don't worry, you didn't give away too much. ^^

Wow, this game looks really interesting! Out of curiosity, what exactly is Shinon's power? I noticed that you never specifically stated what it was... but if it would give too much away, I understand.

@Ran08
Thanks for the suggestion. I might expand the role of the character name meanings in the plot, or at least allude to them more when the characters' personalities unravel.
Yes, Shinon allows herself to be used in order to use the Tsuki in return. The Red Card system is really just like any system of trade, where the currency is "credits" instead of dollars, and the services/goods being exchanged are illegal commodities. I think it's possible to think of the Tsuki as the ones who run a shop for buying and selling services/goods that can only be obtained through illegal manners.
Thanks again for your interest! I'd be happy to answer any additional questions, or to hear more feedback from you as my game-making progresses.

@ariana.ravensford
Thanks very much for your interest. As you suggested, Shinon's true power is somewhat of a spoiler. From her perspective at the beginning of the game, her power is the ability to exert an extraordinary physical force on objects (for instance, being able to bend metal, or break through wooden poles), except she can't control this ability very well, so rather than making her stronger, the ability becomes an inconvenience. Her control over her ability weakens further whenever she is experiencing strong emotions. For instance, if she is angry and she forms a fist in anger, she'd dig through her own palms. This is why in the character description, I mentioned that her abilities lead her to often injure herself unintentionally. Hope this (limited) explanation answers your question?

Yes, it does, though now it has me itching to play so I can learn what her true power is.

@ariana.ravensford - thanks for your interest!

A little more progress to report - I've coded the menus that will be used (tentatively) in the game. These may undergo more changes in the future, but as of current, I just want to keep it simple and spend more time working on assets such as the sprites, cgs, and script.

More progress in terms of Xin's sprites



The second one is his pajamas look...yeah, he wears a jersey to sleep ^_^;

I've decided not to change Xin's skin tone to match Wan's. I suppose it's not necessary, as I quite like the current contrast, somewhat like the sun and the moon kind of feeling.

What I'm worried about is that the sprites aren't tall enough and the text box would obstruct most of the body. I'll have to code them into the game to know whether I'd need to get them fixed. (such a newb, I know...)

wow, you're moving really fast! I'm not even finished with my first sprites T_T, and I have over 10 to make. It's good to see that things are moving along smoothly with this!

Thanks, deviltales, for keeping a lookout on this thread. Considering I still have so many sprites to do, I feel that I'm progressing at the pace of a snail.

Tentatively, each obtainable character (Xin, Wan, and ???) will have four or five poses, with six outfits. I'm planning for side characters to just have one pose and at most two outfits (where necessary).

To reveal a little more about the plot line, I decided to start drawing some of these side characters and posting the sprites here with a short description of who they are. A switch of gear lets me maintain my interest, and therefore maintain my productivity as well.

First off:


Name: Yan Suiyi
Meaning of name: Yan = language, Suiyi = child of fortune
Age: 17
History: The beautiful, smart, and kind student council president, childhood friend and fiancée of Xin. She seems indifferent towards Xin's behaviour with other girls at school, and continues to maintain a close relationship with him despite this. She also seems to be working on some sort of secret plan with him.

Progress, progress, progress...

Name: Hon Hinou
Meaning of name: Hon = man, Hinou = pride of [her] subjects
Age: 23
History: Half-sister of Xin, slated to become the head of the Yan Clan following her coming-of-age.* While she appears kind and humble, Xin muses that she is no longer the loving sister he once had.

* in the fictional culture of this story, there are two different defining ages for adulthood. At age 18, a person gains all the legal rights associated with modern society, however, they do not yet attain the traditional rights of their respective clans. At age 24, a person can gain those rights, including a seat in their clan's council, and the ability to inherit a position of leadership within the familial organizations.