I wrote most of this a couple days ago but didn't quite get around to finishing it... but tonight I did!
Seigetsu wrote:
First of all, thank you very much for your insightful comments! You're a lifesaver! Your post has really led me to reconsider many things about this project, both in terms of its presentation, and its aims.
I think this forum is good for that
Seigetsu wrote:
Thanks a lot for the critique. If it isn't too much to ask, would it be at all possible if you point out the specifics as to things I can fix, and maybe a few pointers about how to fix them? I still need a lot of work as an artist, so I would really appreciate some feedback on how I can draw better.
Sure... in a way, looking at other people's art is practice for me, because it helps me look at my own and identify problems.
I looked at it and have a ton of comments, but I'll put them at the bottom of this post!
Seigetsu wrote:
It makes the card seem like an object of power that is wielded by the hero as in a card fighting game. If this is what you are aiming for, then you have achieved it! If it's not what you were aiming for, it may be problematic.
Can I say it's...half of what I'm aiming for? I don't know if it is overly dramatic as it is, but yes, while the red card can be seen as a currency, it is also an object of power in the same way that money confers a great power in our society.
Hmm... I had a suspicion that was the case. The only thing is that association with actually summoning a monster from the card. It's possible there's a better way to express it, but I don't have any ideas atm.
Interestingly, I think one thing in your favor (towards metaphor instead of monster summoning) is the fact that the card has no pattern on it.
It might be interesting to have her in the act of grabbing it (or grabbing at it) as opposed to already possessing it.
THAT ALL BEING SAID...
I don't think you should hold up production for the poster; IMO writing and sprites are a much higher priority for a VN which probably relies heavily on word-of-mouth.
Seigetsu wrote:
I don't know if I should update my tags, but yes, there are sci-fi elements to this.
...
YES!!! I love me a good fantasy with sci-fi elements.
There's limited space in the subject line so I think what you have is fine. IMO the main purpose is to get potentially interested people to read your thread.
The "sci-fi" association with the moon was mainly because of the juxtaposition with the... motorcyclist. (I don't think it looks bad as a motorcyclist, but, context clues and all...) The moon by itself lends itself well to symbolizing fantasy, too.
Seigetsu wrote:
When I first started reading your summaries, I was surprised to see mention of "clans" and "martial arts."
Here is where I'm in dire need of feedback - I'm very worried about whether or not the fictional society I've built are full of plot holes so big that spaceships can fly through them, haha.
I do think your maps and things will help, but I'll share some thoughts.
Just to make sure I'm getting it right, your world is a fictional place where things like guns, motorcycles, and "modern" clothing exist, but it's in the context of "old-fashioned" things like monarchies, clans, etc? (And then there are politics, which we all know are timeless!) I am curious -- does space travel factor in? Or is this just an advanced world with big cities and modern technology?
Well, the good thing about a fantasy world is they can have a pretty foreign culture (to us) and be believable. (In fact, I think settings like this is one of the things that draws fans of both sci-fi and fantasy.)
Lesse... I only had a couple sociology courses in college, and no history or anthropology, so I'm not exactly an expert. But I imagine "clans" to arise most naturally in a culture that values family. And I don't mean like 1950s American nuclear family; I'm talking about your second cousin (you know who they are but have never met them) shows up at your door, and you
obviously take them in and welcome them into your home and give them dinner, etc, because they are
Family. It would be insulting to do otherwise. I don't know much about Eastern culture, but I know it's like this in some places (such as Colombia, where my dad is from). There's a really high value placed on "family" as a concept.
It doesn't have to be blood relations. I imagine organizations such as the Mafia working in a similar manner. You've got a kind of solidarity that goes above the individual.
I'm under the impression that in Japan, there is a traditionally a strong value placed on society as a concept, and putting society above the individual. But I'm not sure how social groups work or would have worked. In Japan there is gun control and little violence, but I don't think the same legal policies would be at all viable in the U.S. It's a different place and a different culture AND different in a lot of other ways that have promoted a strong sense of individuality -- things are geographically spread out; you practically need your own car in all but a few select places. People are expected to be responsible for their own lives, their own careers, and their own entertainment.
There is a selection bias with any (friends or family) who would come to you for a significant amount of help with things like money or housing -- they are more likely to be the ones who will take advantage if you allow yourself to be responsible for them. Personally, I feel that the hospitality I offer a person must be judged on a case-by-case basis, and not any sort of social grouping. Some cultures would consider this "cold," but circumstances are quite different there.
I don't think of clans and monarchies as "old-fashioned" so much as born from a different kind of background. Well... my last comments focused mostly on clans. I imagine monarchies as more "natural" than democracy in a way, if only because it can be difficult to keep people in power from taking
more power. But in sociology we talked a lot more about social groups than about forms of governments, so I don't have too many thoughts about it.
I would imagine that blood family would be somewhat important in your world, though, because of the naming system... but I would imagine clans being even more important -- though my impression is that the two are tied together to some degree?
Well, that was all rather rambly, but my point is:
I think your idea is just fine as long as it all feels consistent! I find the overall idea very interesting and see no critical plot holes.
Seigetsu wrote:
technological advances and modern freedoms. Of course, these changes are not adopted in its original form - the result is a mix of the old culture and the new,
Interesting (and ripe for drama!)
Seigetsu wrote:
There are very strict firearms control laws in the old capital, their stronghold and where this story takes place, in order to preserve peace in the region (at least in comparison to the "wild south")
I guess my main questions would be this:
a. What keeps "criminal" types from using firearms despite their illegality? What prevents a black market (or at least a significant one) from forming?
b. Are firearms used in actual war? If not, what would keep somebody from using them? If they are, how are they contained after a war is over? How are they distributed when there is a threat?
If you're having trouble answering those questions, here's something in your favor:
In the U.S., street gangs got a lot "bloodier" when the trade of illegal drugs ($$$$$$) got involved. In the absence of such large sums of money, I would imagine that the willingness to risk the lives of gang members' lives by bringing guns to the fight would be far less. Yes, you can
certainly die from knife (or martial arts) wound, but guns really up the ante.
(Assuming it's an English VN, it might be helpful to include this point in some fashion, to keep anybody from thinking, "Why NOT bring a gun to a knife fight, if you're the one with the gun?" I'm sure that "difficult to obtain" would be one reason, but I could imagine it still being questioned.)
Seigetsu wrote:
Does that answer your question why the characters of this story wear modern clothes (most of the time), but have a lot of old-fashioned ideas in their heads? I don't know how I can portray all this in the cover poster thingy though...I'd welcome suggestions!
Hehe, it helps. I don't have any ideas for the poster atm; in my critique below I merely discussed things that could be done better assuming that is the poster you want to use. I will think about it, though.
Seigetsu wrote:
I'm seeing this more as a learning experience than something that needs perfection, though I do wonder what would be acceptable to the vast majority of the audience, and what would make this learning experience most fruitful.
Sadly, I'm not an experienced game maker; perhaps you could post this question in the Creator Discussion? My general impression of this community so far is that people
much rather see an imperfect game than no game (which is always a risk if you spend TOO much time on it). I mean, I think this is a case with free games -- commercial, I think people do expect a little bit more. Personally, I don't complain very much about flaws in things I get for free.
(Although it is really cool when it's of high quality!)
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Alright, poster time.
As mentioned, I think the character poses say something about their characters.
Most of my comments are about details, but the one big thing I would say is that the motorcyclist seems too high. I am sure it's intentional that they areportrayed as quite separate from the other three characters, and I think that is good -- but they would still be separate if they were a tad bit lower. (No need to overdo it.) Composition-wise their current position seems a bit awkward.
I like the way there is a cool-to-warm color gradient from top to bottom (dark blues to pink grass). However, the bright magenta at the bottom (IMO) clashes with the red card. They are both pretty bright colors.
The coloring in the sky could be improved -- specifically the top layer (lighter blue) coloring. It's pretty good on the left side, but the right side some of the "paint strokes" stand out as a bit too... er, I don't know how to describe it. Digital? In particular, there's one immediately to the right of the moon that gives me a Photoshop vibe.
The coloring of the motorcyclist seems sort of blotchy. I stared at it a long time to think of suggestions, but I realized that I just have no idea how the suit should be colored, because I don't have a sense of what material it's made out of. The texture of the shadows make them look kind of like (gray) dirt.
Wan looks quite a bit less cleaned up than in his sprite graphic. I think the way you colored his sprite's hair is quite lovely, and it would be cool if you could apply that here. (Just to be clear, I'm referring to the technique of coloring, not the actual colors -- the lighting is different in the poster, so there is a green highlight that seems appropriate. Also, I think the same technique would look good on the other two; their hair is not bad but it's a little plain in comparison.) Proportion-wise, I think his eyes ought to be a teensy bit lower. I like the lines on his neck. It makes him seem a little tense (matching his expression).
The coloring of Wan's shirt is a bit messy. His arm looks a little too skinny, bit I don't think it's the actual width -- from this angle, it would be partly covered by his chest. But the wrinkles make it seem like a larger portion of his arm is showing than it should, so it ends up looking skinny instead of obscured. Still, this shirt does do a better job at suggesting material than the motorcylist -- the way it wrinkles make it seem like a thin, lightweight fabric designed for casual wear.
As a whole, his body seems too skinny in this poster. I'm not sure why. Xin does not suffer from this problem, so it may help to compare to him.
Shinon... Her skin looks a shade too pink for the lighting. The pink makes sense for her in general because she's albino, but I think it would look better a little paler in this picture. I'm sure you knew this was coming, but... her arms are too small.
Her left arm looks to be in a slightly awkward position, but the size is probably contributing, too. It do like the pose and expression. (Also she looks cute when she's angry because her barette almost looks like an anime-style aneurysm.) Relative to the others, her eyes look a little big for her face, even taking to account younger age (although I think Xin's may be a little too small, and I can't tell about Wan because he's slightly farther away). In any case, try to get them to feel consistent.
The coloring of her white shirt is looking good! The vest she's wearing, though, is not as detailed. (There should not be much for wrinkles on it; I'm assuming it's a thicker, knit material -- but the lines indicating the texture are a bit lackluster.) Her right boob is bigger than her left. I am not sure if this is perspective (consistent with her torso turning) or if her right boob happens to be uneven with her left as in her sprite, or both. Her post suggests a little bit of torso turning, too, as does her collar, but this is visually contradicted by how her shoulders are drawn.
Xin's skin looks too yellow in this picture. (Interestingly, in the sprites Xin seems to have more orange skin and Wan yellow, but the relative colors are reserved here.) Keep in mind the lighting, *especially* on his shadows. (Well, on any of their shadows -- you could probably get more mileage out of Wan's shadows, too -- but the one that sticks out most is Xin.) Shadows are usually tinted by ambient light, which (based on the motorcyclist and Shinon's shirt) is probably a bluish color. Shadows are a huge visual cue. I'd really encourage you to experiment with both shadow and highlights here. There are hints on Wan's shirt that the red card is casting a glow on them, but I don't see it much on the others.
Xin's ear looks a little small. The coloring on his uniform (though not very noticeable because it's hard to see) is kind of messy, and is more wrinkly than it feels like it should be for the type of material a jacket like that would be made with. I do like how his body is looking in general, though. Obviously some of it is obscured, but out of all the characters in this picture, I think his body is the best -- I'm getting a good sense of how his torso is turned and a real sense of depth to his body. The way the jacket falls away to his torso looks true-to-life (I was very recently drawing something like that!).
The red card is successfully featured. The text is legible, but the font could stand to be a bit thicker. Logos usually feature text with a little more "body."
I think the grassy stuff at the bottom is an unusual thing to have in a typical poster like this, but I think it works. For me it's the best visual cue here for "clans" and "martial arts." (Probably I associate this kind of grassy stuff with a fantasy setting.)
Is there a symbolism to the leaves? The magenta steers them away from symbolizing Fall and gives them an exotic look. It's kind of like... otherwordly falling leaves. As long as that's what you're going for and there are maple-ish trees in your setting, I like it.
And... I believe that is it. ^_^
