Reach the Top! [Adventure][Fantasy][GxB]

[Dilaih]

Plot
The dwarven duchess Vivian Gunnarsson has joined a tournament in a realm of bored citizens. The administration has built a tower known as the Gauntlet and assigned each member two companions to aid them in their endeavor to the top. She has one month to shape up her companions and hire new ones in order to gain her prize, a fine piece of real estate.

Characters (and concept art)

Vivian Gunnarsson


A duchess from the realm of the dwarves. Appears to have a forceful personality and certainly likes bossing people. Intent on winning a large piece of land so she could sell it to the highest bidder. A talented fighter but is she willing to put in the effort to train everyone else?

Akakios Upton


He appears to be the son of a rich family, knows a lot of technical skills but horrible when it comes to the real thing. He is unusually timid for a rich boy though.

Vance Hou


A flirtatious demon magician. It's unknown what kind of magic he can do but being a magician he seems to know enough.

Alvar Ozolinsh


A hired assassin and out of the three he seems the most competent fighter. However he spends most of his time doing anything but preparing for the Gauntlet.

---Notes---

-First VN, I want to try to keep it light-hearted and fun so trying not to complicate it too much.
-I would like to implement some kind of combat system but my programming skills are subpar. I was thinking assigning each character three fighting styles. Each choice is worth a certain amount of points and their points will be added up and to win it has to reach a certain amount so there is some flexibility in the choices.

Any critique or advise is welcome!

[gekiganwing]

First things first... thanks for posting, and welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure how to describe your art, even though I spent about a half hour browsing one of the best comic book shops in town earlier today. But I like it. As long as it's well-suited for your story, you'll hear no complaints from me.

The dwarven duchess Vivian Gunnarsson has joined a tournament in a realm of bored citizens. The administration has built a tower known as the Gauntlet and assigned each member two companions to aid them in their endeavor to the top. She has one month to shape up her companions and hire new ones in order to gain her prize, a fine piece of real estate.

What will your story focus on? It could be mostly about climbing a difficult tower, but then it might end up rather similar to two recent movies: The Raid: Redemption or Dredd. If it's a story about friendly competition, then that's another angle (though it might resemble a tournament fighting story arc segment from a shounen manga series such as Hunter x Hunter). You could certainly focus on hiring and training the right people. Are the characters' relationships especially important?

I would like to implement some kind of combat system but my programming skills are subpar. I was thinking assigning each character three fighting styles. Each choice is worth a certain amount of points and their points will be added up and to win it has to reach a certain amount so there is some flexibility in the choices.

I'd recommend keeping your first VN short and simple. Do you want to create combat styles and gameplay to the exclusion of everything else? If so, then you might benefit by making it half or more of your VN. Otherwise, focus on telling a story. Define the parameters of how long the story will be, and how many choices and branches it will have. Consider giving yourself a deadline which you can't change. Think about how you'll use time every day or so, in order to get writing and coding done. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Other people will probably have better advice on how to stay dedicated.

[Dilaih]

Thanks for the advice!

What will your story focus on? It could be mostly about climbing a difficult tower, but then it might end up rather similar to two recent movies: The Raid: Redemption or Dredd. If it's a story about friendly competition, then that's another angle (though it might resemble a tournament fighting story arc segment from a shounen manga series such as Hunter x Hunter). You could certainly focus on hiring and training the right people. Are the characters' relationships especially important?

I was thinking more of a tournament but each round is on a different floor that's rigged. The rounds cycle between the floors until the finals which are held at the top and not rigged like the other floors. I would like to have the first half be about developing the sense of comradery between them and the second half on the rounds in the Gauntlet but if that can't work out then I'll focus more on the Gauntlet rounds with development during the breaks.

I'd recommend keeping your first VN short and simple. Do you want to create combat styles and gameplay to the exclusion of everything else? If so, then you might benefit by making it half or more of your VN. Otherwise, focus on telling a story. Define the parameters of how long the story will be, and how many choices and branches it will have.

Creating more of a focus is a good point, I have a bad tendency to spread myself too thin. Since I'm creating this to become more used to the mechanics I think that's what I'll focus on.

[Taleweaver]

I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted because of the very first words in your description

Plot
The dwarven duchess Vivian Gunnarsson

dwarven duchess Vivian
dwarven duchess Vivian
dwarven duchess Vivian
dwarven duchess Vivian

Pardon my French, but that is one of the most blatant mismatches of name and role I've ever seen in my life. There's a reason elven princesses are not usually named Lateesha, and barbarians not Sheldon, and Japanese software engineers not Klaus Kerner. These names don't fit their roles. And why would someone with a Viking family name like "Gunnarsson" (which, by the name, means "son of Gunnar") have an Anglo-Saxon first name like Vivian, unless the story is set in a cosmopolitan world like our own, which it doesn't seem to be judging from your description?

I very much like your art style, and I think your game idea is quite interesting from a storytelling standpoint. But please, do something about the names.

[merdeamour]

Er, yeah, Vivian and Gunersson don't exactly match...

But yeah, I love the art style--I like the comics feel it has to it. I'd love to see how this turns out The story's still pretty vague, and I'm wondering how you could keep this light when you're giving them one month, but that's up to your writing skills xD I'm cheering you on~!

[Dilaih]

Pardon my French, but that is one of the most blatant mismatches of name and role I've ever seen in my life. There's a reason elven princesses are not usually named Lateesha, and barbarians not Sheldon, and Japanese software engineers not Klaus Kerner. These names don't fit their roles. And why would someone with a Viking family name like "Gunnarsson" (which, by the name, means "son of Gunnar") have an Anglo-Saxon first name like Vivian, unless the story is set in a cosmopolitan world like our own, which it doesn't seem to be judging from your description?

Honestly I chose these names as place holders so I'm not very attached to them so far and you make a good point since they would be divided and there wouldn't be a large crossover name-wise. I guess I'm more attached to first name but to keep with the feel I'll go searching around and modifying them.

[Mad Harlequin]

Before I say anything else, a preface: I have been "lurking," if you will, as an occasional visitor to LSF for several years now, finding VNs to enjoy and, out of interest, critiques to read.

Prior to discovering this thread, I had no real desire to offer input of my own. Since I can't comment as a guest, I decided to register after several days of asking myself if it's worth it. I may only ever post this once. I may even cancel my account if I find myself unwilling to make future comments. (I lack the time and often the energy for forums these days.)

So let me cut right to the chase, and my question. What, exactly, is wrong with the name Vivian Gunnarsson, and why does that supposed problem warrant a small tantrum involving the use of multiple font sizes? No, it's not a name one usually sees attached to a dwarf, but I see no reason why she can't be called Vivian Gunnarsson unless, perhaps, one expects her to fit a stereotypical role. Now, I'm all for names making sense---if a VN is set, say, in a Middle Ages-era monastery in Europe somewhere, I'd expect the names of the characters therein to fit with the time period and location. But a fantasy world gives the writer much more leeway. (Bear in mind, too, that I'm all for consistency in fantasy worlds as well.)

Unless Dilaih is sticking to Tolkienesque naming conventions or something like that, I can find no fault with the name Vivian. It's true we don't know much about the VN's setting as things stand now, but until I'm given a reason to object to names that isn't an objection to writing which extends beyond the cliché, I can't, and won't, argue with the names. We have no indication at this point that these names would or would not work based on the setting; we lack the information to make a call one way or the other.

There's a reason elven princesses are not usually named Lateesha, and barbarians not Sheldon, and Japanese software engineers not Klaus Kerner. These names don't fit their roles. And why would someone with a Viking family name like "Gunnarsson" (which, by the name, means "son of Gunnar") have an Anglo-Saxon first name like Vivian, unless the story is set in a cosmopolitan world like our own, which it doesn't seem to be judging from your description?

I'll agree with you about the Japanese software engineer (although he could easily be half-Japanese---problem solved!), but why can't elven princesses be named Lateesha, or barbarians Sheldon? Unless a writer specifically wants to produce a story with Anglo-Saxon elvish princesses (God forbid they should be called Lateesha! The world would end!) or something else that plays to typing that's been done countless times already, why not be creative? If the dwarves in this world are Nordic, maybe Vivian is Anglo-Saxon by birth, but was adopted by dwarves. Maybe she's half-dwarf! Who knows?

What I'm saying, ultimately, is to give originality a chance instead of jumping on it and saying "NO, THAT'S WRONG!" My only suggestion for Dilaih at the moment is to consider your setting and your characters' origins. If this is a fantasy that, instead of being set in a Middle Ages monastery or a similarly restrictive time and place, is in a modern world marked by the intermingling of peoples of various backgrounds, then your names are fine. If your VN's setting and characters are restricted in this way, then I recommend appropriate changes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to consider writing a story about a plucky young barbarian named Sheldon.