Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *ALPHA FOR DOWNLOAD 24/01*

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Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *ALPHA FOR DOWNLOAD 24/01*

#1 Post by Eight Rooks »

(Please note this is a project that's currently "finished" but still in a very rough state, with placeholder art (public domain/CC) and no character pictures. It may never be anything else. Sorry I can't show you anything especially pretty!)
KNOWING

"When I was seven, Uncle Jack took me to see the golem."
*

Image
Bikay is an orphan living in Rotongwe, a sprawling, heavily populated city in a former imperial colony.

The country is still dealing with the aftermath of a successful revolution, where the people rose up and threw their former rulers out for good. One of the last battles against the colonial forces took place near Rotongwe, but all that's left outside the city walls now are the remains of a giant golem, a long-dead magical war machine that won the defenders their victory.

But Bikay doesn't care so much about that. Life in Rotongwe is tough for an orphan now the great reconstruction's under way - but the poor look after their own, and Bikay in particular has Uncle Jack.

Jack is strange. He's clever and good with his hands and he keeps Bikay out of trouble - but he's scary, too. He's got a quick tongue and a savage temper for anyone who crosses him. No-one knows who he really is or where he came from. And he seems to be very interested in what the high prelate of Rotongwe plans for the future of the city - not only that, he seems convinced that Bikay's got an important part to play in that future.

Who is Jack? Does he mean good things for Bikay or does he want to do Bikay harm? How does he know so much about the golem? Why does he want to get involved in the future of the city?

And what will he ask Bikay to do to make that future happen?
Image
*


Updated 24/01/15:Added a Mediafire link for the Windows version of the alpha. Hope it works! (See my most recent post for a few disclaimers!)

Updated 22/01/15:Added a couple of screenshots to the first post as well.

Updated 22/01/15: After some considerable time, the alpha - let's call it an alpha - is finished. The game is not "done" (and may never be) but the story is complete and playable from start to finish. Roughly 42,000 words, sixteen decision points, four endings, three bad endings. See my most recent post. Anyone want to play it?

Updated 23/08/14: I added another sample of the script to the thread in a separate post.

Updated 18/08/14: You can see the opening to the script at the bottom of this post.

What's this Knowing thing, then?

Knowing is half the battle. :) Seriously, though, Knowing is a short story/novella I finished a while ago and recently thought I could maybe make into a simple game. It's a fairly serious dark fantasy aimed at a slightly older audience, I guess? You play as Bikay, trying to find out who your Uncle Jack really is, what he's doing in the city of Rotongwe, how he knows so much about the city's past and deciding whether to trust him or not.

*


Who are the characters appearing in this story?

The four principal characters in Knowing are:

BIKAY


The protagonist. You. Bikay is... kind of a blank slate, at least to start with. Your choices are less about where the story goes and more how you want Bikay to react - what sort of person you'd like to play as. (At least right now that's how it is. It could change.) The story starts when Bikay is around 7 or 8 years old, but it jumps forward in time at points until he's around 17 or 18.

JACK


Bikay's uncle. Or is he? They could be related, but no-one knows for sure, and Jack's not telling. Jack's clever, smart and protective of Bikay, but he's also hot-tempered, impatient and cruel. He's obviously got an agenda, but what is it? Do you want to support him or not? Jack's a grown man, though it's not certain how old he is exactly.

ADEGOKE "Gokay" AFOYALAN


The high prelate of Rotongwe - the man responsible for governing the city. Adegoke (or Gokay) obviously means well for the city but he's willing to sacrifice a lot and to trample over people's rights and freedoms to guarantee them security now the country's been liberated. He wants Jack and Bikay to help him, but can he be trusted? Does the end justify the means? Adegoke's a grown man who fought in the revolution as a boy, climbed the ranks as he grew older then moved into politics until he was running the city.

KIRA


Kira is a girl who's a friend of Bikay's, another of Rotongwe's countless street kids. She's from a different tribal background to Bikay and wasn't born in the city, so people make fun of her for being provincial and dumb. But Kira's almost as hot-tempered as Jack, and doesn't want to put up with any verbal abuse - something that occasionally gets her in trouble. Kira wants the best for Bikay, but she's wary of Jack, and doesn't trust him. Kira is roughly the same age as Bikay, though she first appears in the story at around 8 or 9 years old.

(There are a couple of other minor roles, but we'll stick with those four for now.)

*


So... what sort of story is this?

Okay. Knowing isn't a romance as such, no matter what you do. There isn't any adult content apart from some moderate sexual references. There's a lot of talking, and listening to other people talk. There's a fair bit of suspense! Some action! Some violence - though this was pretty gory in the original story and I was thinking I'd tone it down. There's no profanity.

*


You said this was fantasy?

Not elves and dragons fantasy or anything like that.

The setting behind Knowing is loosely - very loosely! - based on late 19th century Africa, if magic existed, and the African nations had managed to defeat the Europeans in battle and then threw them out of the continent. Now that they've got their freedom, what will they do with it? Rotongwe itself was inspired by photos and paintings of Western Africa/Nigeria in the 1890s, particularly Lagos. (Although I, uh, still don't have a fantasy name for the actual country in the story.)

(I'm trying to be respectful and even-handed with drawing on this subject matter for inspiration but I'm just a regular white guy from a comfortable suburban background, I haven't studied black history for years or anything like that, so hopefully none of this seems... inappropriate. I don't know. That stuff isn't the main point of the story, but it does connect to it, so hopefully none of it would upset anyone and I'm just over-thinking things.)

*


What are you doing to turn this into a game, then?

Well. I can't draw or make music or anything like that, but Twine seemed hard and Ren'Py seemed pretty easy to start working with, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

The original story was around 20,000 words, but it was written in third person and it seemed a VN ought to be in first, so the whole thing needed re-doing. But I actually shelved the story in the first place because I wasn't completely happy with the writing, so having to re-do everything wasn't so bad.

I've already planned out a basic structure as a flowchart with yEd. At the moment the narrative is ultimately linear - there are no completely separate paths, and the ending is always the same thing happening at the same place. But right now there are seventeen decision points where you're adding to one of four meters that influence how that ending finishes up - so that's four endings, sort of, and five bad ones as well. Some of the narrative branches briefly too - events you won't see if you didn't pick a particular choice, simple stuff like that.

Plus there's definitely plenty of room to add more branches, or make whole new paths.

*


So how much of the game have you actually finished?

I stress again that the original story was finished. It's done. I just wasn't totally happy with the way it turned out. So the basic plot's been finalised for a while.

The game?
  • * I have about 90% of the basic flowchart entered into a Ren'Py script (just placeholder text for the events and choices).
    * I have about 50% of the story re-written to fit the game (with the extra paths, but none of the bad endings yet). That's about 17,000 words so far.
(...damn, I only just checked that for the first time! (I'm writing it in Notepad.) That's bigger than I thought.)
  • * Between half and two thirds of that 17k words has actually been added to Ren'Py and formatted for readability, etc.
(I proofread as I go. I'm good at proofreading. It won't be perfect, but it'll be pretty close.)

*


What is it you'd like anyone here to tell you?

Well... (deep breath)
  • * Does any of this actually sound interesting to you? That'd be a good start.
    * Do the characters make you want to find out more about them? How about the setting?
    * Does the idea that the game is linear and you're mostly just reacting to things put you off? Do you think the story would have to have separate paths to get you to play it again?
(I have been thinking about some stuff I could do for replay value - the endings do go from worst to best, or True, if you like. But none of that's been added to the master flowchart yet.)
  • * If you are actually interested, what could I post here that would help you decide whether or not you think I can write, and if you'd like to read more of my writing? I'm happy to stick a few paragraphs from the script in if that's the way to do things here.
Any other criticism - hopefully constructive :) - would be much appreciated.

*


So how about that writing?

Here's the opening to the story and the first... event? Decision point? Some stuff that might or might not be clear:
  • * Note that while the writing is supposed to be simple and easy to read, Bikay is not actually seven years old when he's telling the story.
    * The decision point here is meant to be - are you choosing yourself (cool story, Jack, whatever) or are you choosing Jack (wow, Uncle Jack, that sounds awesome! Please tell me more)? (Yes, at the moment the four main endings are basically "Who do you want to side with?" :) )
    * Some of this is already a little bit different, because I edit things when I add them to the Ren'Py script - cutting lines down to size to make them flow better, and so on.
When I was seven, Uncle Jack took me to see the golem.

"You need to learn about this stuff," he said. "You're old enough."

I knew there was a big battle outside the city, a long time ago, when we beat the white devils and took our country back, but I didn't know anything more than that. So I followed my uncle to see what the fuss was about.

We walked along the high road for a bit, until we got to a place where I could see the hills in the distance and how the ground slowly went up and up towards them. The sky was blue. There weren't any clouds, and I saw kites flying high overhead. The birds made these scary noises as they sailed round up there, and I could see the deer under the abak trees kept looking up, like the sound made them nervous.

I looked down, and then I saw the mouth.

It was a big crack in the earth where the ground started to slope up. But it seriously looked like a mouth. A huge mouth. A mile across, even. It had great big stones like teeth poking out of either side, all covered in weeds. It wasn't open very wide, but it looked really dark inside.

"Thirty years ago, now," Jack said. "Twenty thousand white devils, fifteen whole regiments of cavalry, stood up the top of that slope and got ready to attack the defenders outside Rotongwe. They kept dropping shells on them, balefire that set light to the earth. When they charged, they had so many wards cast to protect them the air was glittering. Then they got to the bottom of the hill, that mouth opened up, and a nightmare climbed out."
>A nightmare? Was it still down there?
"It was a golem," Jack said. "But a golem two hundred feet high! The wizards from the Academy who put him together didn't really want that mouth to open up, but they'd made the golem so big he sucked up all the hillside, and the ground just collapsed. The white devils' cavalry couldn't stop in time. Most of them were pounded into mincemeat - just like that! The golem swung his arms and tore their wards up like tissue paper. The rest of them fell down into the hill, and nobody ever saw them again."

I crept nearer to the mouth while he was talking and got down on my belly to stare inside through the teeth.

It was really dark in there. It was so dark the walls just vanished right away. But a long way down, so far down it made me dizzy, you could see this shape where the last of the sunshine could just about reach. It was a giant. Just the top half of him, like a man was kneeling down there, like he was really sad he wasn't going to get out.

"Are you listening, Bikay?" Jack said right behind me, and I squeaked. "You want to fall in too, do you?" he said. "You'd scream and scream all the way down, and when you hit the bottom... huh! You'd go splat so hard there'd be nothing left of you."

He grabbed me by the neck and dragged me away from the edge.

That was the first time I saw the golem.


>A nightmare? What did he mean?
"It was a golem," Jack said. "But a golem two hundred feet high! The wizards who put him together didn't really mean for that mouth to open up, but they'd made the golem so big he sucked up all the hillside, and the ground just collapsed. The white devils' cavalry couldn't stop in time. Most of them were pounded into mincemeat - just like that! The golem swung his arms and tore their wards up like tissue paper. The rest of them fell down into the hill, and nobody ever saw them again."

I looked up at him, hoping he was going to tell me some more.

"The white devils kept coming," Jack said. "But they couldn't do anything to the golem. Their guns couldn't even scratch him, and their balefire just went poof! as soon as it touched him. In the end they ran. The bravest soldiers they had turned around and ran rather than end up dead like everyone else."

"And they knew," Jack said to me, and he looked really serious. "They knew this would happen. We'd already beaten the white devils, we beat them at Ontuye, at Banningford, at Verheun... lots of battles, lots of different places. But they still tried. They knew there was no way they could beat us but they still tried. People do not change. Remember that, Bikay, okay? People do not change."

That was the first time I saw the golem.
Last edited by Eight Rooks on Sat Jan 24, 2015 1:28 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free]

#2 Post by Rozume »

Does any of this actually sound interesting to you?
Very interesting! I like the inspiration behind it, and I don't get the feeling you're making this setting "Africa if they overthrew European Nations" (because that type of speculative fiction would require A LOT of research and consultation).
Do the characters make you want to find out more about them? How about the setting?
Pretty much all the characters sound interesting! Definitely want to find out more about Uncle Jack and the setting. :0 As for Bikay... I'm not a big fan of Blank Slate Characters, but they could be written well. ^^;
Does the idea that the game is linear and you're mostly just reacting to things put you off? Do you think the story would have to have separate paths to get you to play it again?
I'm the type to get all the endings, but playing the same storyline over and over again can be off putting for some.
If you are actually interested, what could I post here that would help you decide whether or not you think I can write, and if you'd like to read more of my writing? I'm happy to stick a few paragraphs from the script in if that's the way to do things here.
I think any sample of your writing would do to prove that you can write! But yeah, you can stick a few paragraphs from the script to give us a feel for it. :D

I'm really curious about what you're gonna do for the art when you get to it. Since Knowing is inspired by African Nations maybe we'll see that influence in the artwork?

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free]

#3 Post by Eight Rooks »

PhoenixStardust wrote:I'm really curious about what you're gonna do for the art when you get to it. Since Knowing is inspired by African Nations maybe we'll see that influence in the artwork?
If I could find an artist who could do some traditional or tribal stuff or whatever would be appropriate/would fit, I'd love to. I really wouldn't be that interested in regular anime art styles for this (particularly not typical shonen or shoujo) unless someone had a way to make it really stand out and not just look like I was trying to be "exotic". I had a vague idea it could even be shadow puppets, sort of, but I don't know off the top of my head if there's any African version of that or if it's more an Eastern/Asian thing.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free]

#4 Post by sasquatchii »

So glad to see that you're pushing forward & have decided to give making visual novels a shot :)

It's awesome that you've taken one of your stories & adapted it for a VN! It sounds like you will be able to choose how you want to play, though, (trusting or not trusting Jack) which could complicate things a bit. But complication isn't necessarily a bad thing- it just means that you will have more scenarios & dialogue to write for the different choices.

I like the idea of the setting being in Africa in the 19th century. It is refreshing to see people creating VN's that take place somewhere other than a high school in japan. And don't worry about being offensive/inappropriate. The key is research, lots and lots of research in order to get things right. You'll probably end up with a lot more information and knowledge about africa in the 19th century than you'll use in your VN, but tidbits of that knowledge weaved into the story will make it feel authentic and accurate.

So yes, this all sounds very interesting! I'm interested to see how magic plays a part in the game as well, because you didn't talk about that part much.

I think Jack seems like the most interesting character so far. The others don't grab me just yet- but it's hard to do with only a few sentences to describe a character. I think once we get to know them better they will all be very interesting to learn about.

A linear game doesn't put me off at all! TellTale games (creators of the walking dead point and click adventure games & the fable adventure games) is a professional company that masters linear game plots. It's the decisions you get to make along the way that are so fun. And also their awesome story-telling abilities.

As for the writing, you can always post things in the writing sub-forum if you get stuck or want feedback. You can also try to recruit idea people and proof readers if you want to improve.
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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#5 Post by Mad Harlequin »

I saw your initial thread concerning your worries about making a VN, but never had the chance to add my support. I'm so happy you're going for it!
* Does any of this actually sound interesting to you? That'd be a good start.
* Do the characters make you want to find out more about them? How about the setting?
* Does the idea that the game is linear and you're mostly just reacting to things put you off? Do you think the story would have to have separate paths to get you to play it again?
I really love the concept. I'm not bothered by the linearity of it as long as there's a good story to be told.

And I can't properly express how thrilled I am to see a project in this setting! Africa is made up of many different kinds of people, all with rich cultures and histories. I support anything and everything that helps to share their perspectives with the rest of the world.
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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#6 Post by Eight Rooks »

Mad Harlequin wrote:And I can't properly express how thrilled I am to see a project in this setting! Africa is made up of many different kinds of people, all with rich cultures and histories. I support anything and everything that helps to share their perspectives with the rest of the world.
I don't know if it helps to know this at all, but:

All of the stories I mentioned in the other post take place in the same shared world, just to mention. Not all of them take place in the same time period, but some do. So there's a finished story set in Alba (fake-Britain) where there are references to how the empire's panicked because most of the former colonies have kicked them out. They've adopted an extreme isolationist outlook, set up a naval blockade around the islands and taken to bringing the neighbours in (fake-Irish, -Scottish and -Welsh) to be the new "dirty immigrants" they can complain about.

(I'm British, by the way, :) so I'm allowed to try and skewer our worst tendencies like that.)

There's a work-in-progress story in Abilay (fake Australia) where the people - descendants of convicts, slaves, etc. - have kicked the Albans and their military out, but they're still struggling with how to form a new government, how to treat the indigenous people and the colonists who don't want to be civilised. (It's a bit like Deadwood, if Deadwood was set down under in the 1890s and starred a gay Aborigine runaway slave and a teenage transsexual Russian fugitive. And there was magic. But anyway.)

I did some regular settings - the British one, a Russian one, a couple of American ones. But I picked some places because they were "different" and a lot of genre fiction ignores them - Australia, India, Polynesia - and tried to come up with a good story that would justify using that setting. (So I wasn't just trying to be exotic and mysterious.) I really wanted to do Africa - I mean, this continent isn't Africa, obviously, it's fantasy, and it's not supposed to be a super-serious treatise on colonial history or anything like that. But that stuff does relate to the plot and who Jack is and what he's trying to do.

Again, I really liked the idea for Knowing (and the way it leads up to the Big Reveal) but I wasn't happy with the writing and I thought that while the ending "worked" it kind of... went off the deep end? Plus the way the story ends would be more like one of the worst of the four endings the game would have, and I was never entirely happy finishing on such a downer. (Pretty much all the other stories I've written have relatively optimistic or upbeat endings.) So turning it into a game, even a simple one, would let me keep the idea but improve the writing - I already think it's got much better - and keep the original ending but put in a "good" way to wrap it up too.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#7 Post by Mad Harlequin »

Eight Rooks wrote:(I'm British, by the way, :) so I'm allowed to try and skewer our worst tendencies like that.)
Skewer away! I have an idea of my own that I'm developing that does the same thing with my own background.
There's a work-in-progress story in Abilay (fake Australia) where the people - descendants of convicts, slaves, etc. - have kicked the Albans and their military out, but they're still struggling with how to form a new government, how to treat the indigenous people and the colonists who don't want to be civilised. (It's a bit like Deadwood, if Deadwood was set down under in the 1890s and starred a gay Aborigine runaway slave and a teenage transsexual Russian fugitive. And there was magic. But anyway.)
Sounds like good stuff to me, and I've never watched Deadwood.
I did some regular settings - the British one, a Russian one, a couple of American ones. But I picked some places because they were "different" and a lot of genre fiction ignores them - Australia, India, Polynesia - and tried to come up with a good story that would justify using that setting. (So I wasn't just trying to be exotic and mysterious.) I really wanted to do Africa - I mean, this continent isn't Africa, obviously, it's fantasy, and it's not supposed to be a super-serious treatise on colonial history or anything like that. But that stuff does relate to the plot and who Jack is and what he's trying to do.
Oh, I understand it's only a fantasy version of Africa. But all the same, it's the kind of setting people rarely touch in fantasy, as you said. And even if this isn't meant to be entirely serious, Jack's intentions will no doubt be constructed by that part of history. I think that's incredibly important. I don't know how often most people really, truly think about the scars colonialism has left behind---and really, the old wounds fester to this day. But I believe more people need to think about these issues so they can understand how to work together rather than hurt each other.
So turning it into a game, even a simple one, would let me keep the idea but improve the writing - I already think it's got much better - and keep the original ending but put in a "good" way to wrap it up too.
Sometimes it takes a different medium to bring out the best in an idea. :)
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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#8 Post by gekiganwing »

Things that you might benefit from doing, Eight Rooks:

* Develop an elevator pitch. Make sure your story can be summarized in a sentence that's accurate and appealing. It sounds like this story could be described as "People learn about a conflict that occurred before they were born." Is my attempt to describe it even close to your intention? If not, then make your to find a better way to summarize it.

* Making sure there is enough conflict in the present-day world of your story. The war that happened before the story started was probably very important. Characters will likely grow by finding out more about it. Just be sure that your characters are proactive, and not just talking about events that occurred years ago.

* Considering a longer or different title. A lot of the top search results for "Knowing" reference a 2009 movie with that title. You will benefit from having an easy-to-remember, easy-to-spell title that reflects your story's content.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#9 Post by Eight Rooks »

gekiganwing wrote:Things that you might benefit from doing, Eight Rooks:

* Develop an elevator pitch. Make sure your story can be summarized in a sentence that's accurate and appealing. It sounds like this story could be described as "People learn about a conflict that occurred before they were born." Is my attempt to describe it even close to your intention? If not, then make your to find a better way to summarize it.

* Making sure there is enough conflict in the present-day world of your story. The war that happened before the story started was probably very important. Characters will likely grow by finding out more about it. Just be sure that your characters are proactive, and not just talking about events that occurred years ago.

* Considering a longer or different title. A lot of the top search results for "Knowing" reference a 2009 movie with that title. You will benefit from having an easy-to-remember, easy-to-spell title that reflects your story's content.
Remember, the story is finished. It's done. The quality of the writing isn't good enough for my liking, but the plot, the way it progresses and so on, that's pretty much done, unless someone points out a devastating lapse in logic, something they can explain really doesn't work, etc. I just worry I'm not making that clear.

I'm not the best at titles - you're quite right to point that out! Knowing is a working title, the same as most of the things I've completed. (I should probably make that clear too.)

While I do know why pitches are important :P I admit I'm maybe not doing such a great job with this one. It's a hard one to summarise. I don't think that's because the story's weak - if I wanted to sum up the whole thing to try and sell it to someone I could do it like that, but in this context it's a lot harder thinking of a way to boil it down to twenty-five words that doesn't give away the end.

I would argue that it's not just because I'm relying on a gimmick. I know about cutting things if they're not adding to the narrative, but right now I'd still argue the other stuff, the world-building and conversations and so on, they do have a point. I do know what you mean about the talking, mind you, and it does concern the past in places, but they're meant to be discussing the past because of how it relates to the present. This isn't an elevator pitch - but the whole thing is partly about "Now that we know X about what happened to get us to this point, what do we do next?" If that makes sense.

Bear in mind also it is a slow story, in some respects - it's meant to skip through time over a period of several years, until the characters arrive at the point when they've finally got to make a choice and do something. Every little scene where we stop off along the way is meant to be pro-active in some respect, to build up the tension until we reach the end and the protagonist has to say "Okay, so given I did this, this and this to get to this point, how do I want the story to end?". But the build up is still intentionally taking its time.

None of this is to ignore your advice, of course! Thanks very much for the reply, and obviously people are free to say "Yeah, I get all that, but I still don't think it works". Just wanted to try and give at least a bit of explanation why the story is the way it is.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 18/08*

#10 Post by Eight Rooks »

(Hope it's okay to put this in a separate post? I just wanted to add another example of my writing. I'm still working on this, if slowly. At the time of posting this I've got a surgical dressing over an incision on my back from a minor operation that's healing frustratingly slowly. It doesn't hurt much, but it's almost impossible for me to get to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. It's hard to concentrate on this stuff when you haven't slept properly in a month. Anyway, TMI, probably.)

So how about some more of that writing?

Okay. This is a decision point from some way into the story - it does count as spoilers, of a sort, but nothing you couldn't guess at if you read the OP, and hopefully it gives you some idea of where the narrative is headed.

Bikay and Jack have been asked to present themselves at the pit where the golem fell into the ground, which Gokay - the high prelate - is now in the process of having opened up. Why he wants to do that is yet another question for you to wonder about. :)

When Bikay sees how terrible conditions are at the dig, it's up to you to decide what he thinks of all this. In order, 1) is he only thinking of himself, desperate not to rock the boat? 2) Is he convinced the high prelate knows better than he does (or Jack does)? Or 3) does he think that nothing's worth this ghastly abuse of power?
My uncle was right. The digging site got worse the closer we came. There was a fence around it, with more guards at the entrance. Half of them looked bored, and the other half stared at us with hateful expressions. They're in charge of this place, I thought, and they don't like being reminded there are some people they can't keep locked up.

The workers really were practically prisoners. They weren't complaining, at least not out loud, but at the same time they were obviously poorly fed and terribly treated. Their eyes were too big in their faces and their ribs stuck out much too far. We were poor, in Meche, but we didn't have it this bad. Some of them were just children my age, or even younger.

And the whole camp stank. The rain had left horrid yellow mud behind that sucked at my boots. There were latrines for the workers, and even standpipes so they could get safe drinking water, but there were still hundreds of filthy, starving, desperate people everywhere who'd obviously been working like this in the baking heat for days. Weeks. The smell was awful.

The whole thing was a nightmare. Why was the high prelate doing this?
>I had no idea.
I couldn't think of any explanation. Seeing all that misery I could feel my thoughts slowly shutting down. My head was a dark room full of candles and someone was blowing them out one by one. I trudged after Jack, and tried not to look straight at any of the workers when they glanced up at us.

Don't look at me like that, I thought. I can't help you.

Jack snorted, almost under his breath. I raised my head and saw him look back at me. Then he rolled his eyes, sighed and kept walking, as if it wasn't worth the effort to try and cheer me up. Whatever, that sigh said. It was the sound of a man who'd started to accept I was always going to disappoint him.

What do you want from me? I wanted to shout. What can I possibly do? You won't tell me anything about what's going on!

But I didn't say anything. What if the guards heard me? What if they reported it to the high prelate? Wouldn't that just make everything even worse?

I plodded slowly through the mud.
>There had to be a good reason.
His holiness wasn't crazy. I'd seen that for myself. He must have put in an incredible amount of effort to end up in charge of the entire city, and I didn't think he'd got there by accident. So obviously whenever the high prelate had a plan, a plan he thought was important, he'd do anything to make it happen.

He couldn't just tell everyone what the plan was, right? So he must have decided they'd just have to trust him. After all, Jack was doing the same thing with me. I didn't always like the way my uncle acted, but he talked as if it was all going to work out in the end. If he had a good reason for ordering me around, surely the high prelate did too?

Jack looked back at me and frowned.

"Nothing to say?" he asked in a low voice.

"Not really," I said. "I mean... it's not like I like any of this, but... if Gokay thinks it's got to be done, then..."

"I see," my uncle murmured. "I see. If that's really how you feel."

I couldn't figure this out. What did it matter what I felt? The high prelate was hardly going to listen to me, right? And what was wrong with that, exactly? If people like him said jump, we asked how high; we didn't bother asking for a good reason.

I watched Jack stalk away and wondered how much more of his stupid questions I'd have to put up with.
>There wasn't any excuse.
Whatever the reason, it wasn't good enough. End of story.

I winced at a sharp pain in my mouth and realised I'd bitten the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood. I spat into the mud, trying to be discreet, but when I looked up I saw Jack was watching me. Some of the workers glanced our way, realising something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" my uncle asked.

"No," I said, too loudly, and one of the guards looked over, but right then I didn't care. Let them stare, I thought. "No, I'm not okay. How could I possibly be okay? Look at this! That girl over there!"

The girl hurriedly turned away, trying to pretend she hadn't been watching me, and went back to chipping at the ground. She was practically skin and bones, and her bare legs had raw and oozing scars down them where she'd hit herself several times with her pickaxe. She couldn't have been more than eight years old.

And there were more of them everywhere I looked. All of them were turning their backs as I stared around wildly. I could almost hear what they were thinking; shut up! You want to get us a whipping?

"Shut up," Jack said in a low voice. "Seriously. Shut up!"

"Someone should do something," I choked, wiping my eyes.

"And we will," my uncle said. "We will. But now is not the time."

"You promise?" I whispered.

"I promise," Jack said wearily. "I promise, Bikay. Just... trust me."

I swallowed, blinked, and stood up straight.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 23/08*

#11 Post by Gryphbear »

Neat story that I've seen so far. :)

My main question involves the program you mentioned -- yED. I was curious -- when you were flowcharting your story -- how did you go about it?

Like Nodes with Headings containing general 'info' on each 'scene', or more indepth...?

I just downloaded it, and I want to plug a story idea of mine into it - but I wasn't sure if I should be using the nodes as a general scene titles, or using actual prose within the nodes?

I'm not sure if that makes sense?
WIP: Ring av Guder - (Contemporary Fantasy VN/Dating Sim?)

What do you get when you inherit a mystical ring, meet Norse Dieties, and Werewolves, Satyrs, or Dwarves? Possibilities.

General Completion: 5% - (Still working on story plot.)
Story status: 1% (In progress of revamping)
Scripting: 1% (Prologue is about done)
Character Art: 0% (Would like to find a Bara-type Artist, but will learn to draw them myself if necessary)
BG/CG's: 0% (None so far)

Eight Rooks
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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *Updated 23/08*

#12 Post by Eight Rooks »

So, uh, I've sort of finished this.

Sort of. It didn't take me quite this long: I shelved it and went to work on other things (turning a novella I wrote into a full-length book, mostly). It's certainly not one hundred percent complete, by any means.
  • - There are no characters yet, just backgrounds, and they're all public domain or CC pictures, none of which fit the words completely.
    - I haven't done anything to the UI.
    - There's music, but it's just public domain/CC recordings that aren't remotely synced - it's just there for background noise more than anything else.
    - You could easily break it, I'm fairly certain. The only "stats" are four counters going up by one each time and there's nothing to tell the game what to do if any of them are equal at the end.
    - The writing could probably still do with a bit of polish.
An alpha, then. (It might never go any further, to be honest.) But the story's done. The text is done (I could still add things, definitely, but the story makes a coherent whole, I'm pretty sure). There's something to look at and occupy your ears. You can play through it from start to finish. Maybe... 42,000 words altogether? Sixteen decision points, four endings, three bad endings. I don't think it's the best thing I've ever written or anything but I'm pleasantly surprised I actually managed to take a story I had some big problems with, rewrite the entire thing from third- to first-person and turn it into a "game".

Does anyone... actually want to take a look at it?

*crickets*

And if someone honestly does (!), is there some generally approved way of making it available to you guys?

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *ALPHA COMPLETE 22/01*

#13 Post by Mad Harlequin »

I would like to read this!
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *ALPHA COMPLETE 22/01*

#14 Post by themocaw »

I would totally read this.

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Re: Knowing [fantasy, suspense, free] *ALPHA COMPLETE 22/01*

#15 Post by YossarianIII »

And if someone honestly does (!), is there some generally approved way of making it available to you guys?
I'm fairly new here, but Mediafire seems to be the most common way to distribute demos. Github is another option.

Personally, I'm intrigued by the concept and particularly the setting, so I'd definitely check out a demo.

Also, reading back through this thread, I would second what gekiganwing said awhile back about an elevator pitch. IMO, the best way to demonstrate you're a good writer is to do it quickly with a good summary. You can disagree, but it never hurts to be concise, especially when you’re dealing with the attention spans of internet readers.

Look at Infinite Jest (a notoriously labyrinthine 1000+ page novel with 388 footnotes). That might seem like the most impossible thing to summarize ever but right on the back cover it just has "A gargantuan, mind-altering comedy about the pursuit of happiness in America"--which is actually a pretty accurate summary.

That said, you did get me and the other people on this thread intrigued with the original post... so you're definitely doing something right with your pitch!

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