Lemma Soft Forums

Title: Cirque Fou D'Amore
Tagline: "I don't speak French, so I googled everything" "Veux-tu Sortir avec moi?"

Plot:
Sayumi has always loved the circus. Ever since she was a little girl. She says so in the first minute and a half of the game. One day, she goes to a circus, and I'm terrible at typing out plot lines. She does... circus stuff. Carousels and what-have-you. Then she finds a little tent, and lo and behold, she's trapped in a twilight version of the circus, and will remain trapped there until she falls in love with one of the attractive young men who populate it.

You see, Sayumi apparently caught the eye of an ancient and mostly benevolent being, who figured out that she REALLY likes the circus, and thought it would be cool if he made her one. He even picked out these nice men who he thinks would be great marriage prospects. He did not think that maybe she wouldn't be too into this.

So here's her problem: she's trapped here, these dudes know that they can't go until she loves one of them, so they're all over her, and she's not too into being rushed into a relationship.

I swear there's more to this game, but I can't type out plot stuff that well. CHARACTERS!

Sayumi "Done with ur s**t" Urashima:
An 18 year old girl who really likes circuses and really hates pushy, obnoxious dudes. Unfortunately, that's all she has to talk to at the moment. Doesn't really fit the mold of "wide eyed gentle spirited sweetheart with a massive amount of power that she doesn't know about." Can, apparently, alter the circus, but doesn't really know what to do with that power. She mostly just fulfills wishes for the guys. Not like that.

Rin "Prince-Type" Godai:
Also known as "Rin, go die!" The irritatingly glittering leader of the boys, very much assured that he is the best choice of all the guys. Has the job of resident magician, doesn't get along with animals. Lives in a tent full of mirrors. That's really all you need to know about him. He's got green hair on the top and candy red on the bottom. Neither of those are his real hair color. Based off of a candy apple.

Kaki "Snow Cone" Gori:
His parents literally named him snow cone, according to the internet. He is kind of cold. Works the trapeze to pay for college. Voted most likely to have killed someone at some point. Has blue raspberry hair, and this is apparently his natural hair color. Either that, or he's really thorough with his dye-job. Based off of a snow cone. Surprise.

Haru "Bara Angel" Dekita:
Animal handler. Huge, muscley dude. Also black. Blond dredlocks. He's super scary to look at, but he's a big ol' softy. Shares his tent with a tiger named Kaiju, likes children. Gets on with Tohaku for that reason. Based off of a chocolate covered banana. Ironically, he hates bananas.

Routo "I couldn't think of a nickname" Inoue:
Blond, curly hair, glittering blue eyes, a head full of recipes and an arm full of muscle. One of those lanky guys who can lift way more than his body suggests he should be able to. Hence: strong man. Loves cooking, which is good because none of these other losers know what they're doing in the kitchen. He's kind of a meathead, but he's nice. His theme song would be GUTS!!! by Arashi. Or YMCA. Or Eye of the Tiger. Based off of funnel cake.

Watame "Cotton Candy Trap" Koizuma:
Could put RuPaul to shame. Gorgeous boy with fluffy pink hair and big pale eyes. Knows he's pretty. You better work. He's also a total clown. Literally. He's a clown. Trips over his own feet anyways, may as well get paid for it. Voted most likely to have some dark secret that torments him. Doesn't know how to act around girls. Based off of cotton candy.

Tohaku "Shota-shorts" Koizuma:
Watame's younger brother. Much older than he looks/acts. Apparently when they were all trapped in the twilight version of the circus, he kind of regressed? I mean, he was little anyways, but this is a whole new level. Determined to prove he's a man to Sayumi. Should probably get rid of all the stuffed animals. Based off of caramel popcorn.

Malediction "Apparently I'm French but I hang out in Japan a lot?" Epeler:
The ring master. The big guy. The ancient being who apparently has nothing better to do than grant the wishes of little girls. Seems to have a lot going on. Knows way more than he should about Sayumi's personal life. Really likes rabbits.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THIS GAME?

Woah there friend. Turn the capslock off.

Basically, it's your standard otome game. You can hang out with these dudes, maybe you'll fall in love with one. It's not that hard. They're already in love with you. Or at least, the concept of you. Or, the concept of leaving this gloomy old circus through you. Not that you're into that. I'm currently working on adding in exploration (which may or may not lead to a secret route). The plan is hopefully to have at least three endings per boy, a secret route with its own three endings, and various ways to die if you take a wrong turn in the circus.

I'm going to revise this whole post later on, but this is the basis of what I'm working on right now. Expect art soonish. Sorry about the whole... messy... totally serious outline of stuff.

Honestly, your title is in French and you have possibly one French character in your game that has an English name. I don't know about the setting yet but it's very weird with all the Japanese characters. I suggest you to rethink this. I do love this concept of travelling to a parallel world similar to our normal world that is a nightmare-ish version of it. Though, I'll tell you it was be has been sort of done with a Japanase otome game. Don't let that get you down! How you execute it will make the game. As for the phase I think it's correct but I always prefer it as "Tu veux sortir avec moi?". I'm also making an otome circus game too! Good luck. Also, you might to fix the amore in your title, amour. Circus crazy in love??? Crazy in love circus? If you're going for Circus of love it's, "Cirque d'amour".

Hello there =) !
First, I'm curious to see more about this project, so I wish you luck.

Then, I'm a native french so I wondered what exactly you intended to say by "Veux-tu sortir avec moi?".
As annpan told before it's correct (annpan's suggestion about the title is also right) but it depends of your intend.
I'll explain : Your tagline is more formal when "Tu veux sortir avec moi?" is more familiar.
If you wanted to use the second person of plural however it's "Voulez-vous sortir avec moi ?" (formal and a proposition, a question)
or "Vous voulez sortir avec moi ?" (familiar, but to me its feels more narcissic XD like "Do you want to be with me ? Then prove you're worth it.").

I hope this will help.

Firstly, thanks for your replies I think I might end up totally reworking the story. I kind of started the project on a whim, but got stuck because I couldn't puzzle out how to continue the plot. I'll probably redo the title first. Like I said, I kind of just Googled a set of french phrases related to love and went off of that (although, nipaa_kazuma, I kind of like the idea of giving the tag line a more narcissistic bend. That might change the feel of the game in a good way). Madly in love circus was what I was going for, but again, that'll probably change.

Setting wise... I might change that a bit as well. I'm looking into changing the character names and making the location more american-y. Rin is the only one I plan on keeping, namely because I like the pun in his name. I do realize that the twilight realm thing has already been done, so I'm trying to focus on setting it apart with the gameplay. The bit in sayumi's character description (I use this term loosely) about her being able to change things (make it brighter, look more polished, have this or that added) is part of that attempt. I've also been playing around with adding in a manners system, where you can sort of push the boys around and teach them how to treat a lady. That's not a final feature, though.

But yeah... there's a lot that needs working out. I'm hoping I can continue to rely on this forum to tell me when my ideas are too all over ^^;. This has already been a big help

I think I'll like Watame Koizuma the most. This is a pretty interesting idea. I hope to see more progress soon!

Hey there!
I really like your idea, but I think it will be more interesting if you intend to give it a nightmare-ish side, as she sink into the circus (yeah, circus is great and everything but hell, who has never been afraid of being kidnapped by a clown troup?!). Though, I think about every route you want to do, isn't it too much (I think about the art too, lol)? I mean, I'd love to have this much of a choice, but a good visual novel is based above all on the story quality.
Plus, I don't know where you did get the french idea, but good luck for that. As a native french, I'm not really agreeing with everything nipaa_kazuma said. When someone asks to date, the formulation depends on the person, for example, a shy person would say "Est ce que... tu veux sortir avec moi?" (the intonation would be like hearing "would you like to... go out with me?"), but a formal one would say "Veux-tu sortir avec moi?" ("Do you want to go out with me?"). The proposition "Tu veux sortir avec moi?" is really... heh... Haughty? Haughty mighty? Like, a person who got confidence, self-esteem, like "I know I worth you, at least". (it's like, literally "you want to go out with me?" ), it's usually softened with "Est-ce que" ("Do you"), but, heh, for a title it's really ugly to add "Est-ce que". Moreover, I never did heard a french say "Vous voulez sortir avec moi?", maybe it's narcissic but nobody says that.
Well, I would advice you to choose either "Veux-tu sortir avec moi?", more formal and impersonal, or "Tu veux sortir avec moi?" if you want to give more insurance and self-confidence to it. (if you want more information about french, feel free to ask)

Uhm, about your story, why would the boys fall in love with Sayumi? I mean, you have to be clear: do they love her already, before knowing anything about her? or do they want to escape from the freaking circus using her, and as they begin to know Sayumi, they fall in love with her? Or both (depending on the character)?

Good luck in progressing!