Lemma Soft Forums

Hello!

My name is Mari. I'm new to this forum and I wanted to share a work in progress with you all! This will also be my first game so I'm very excited!

Since it is going to be my first game I made it simple on purpose. It's a simple school romance otome where you have three persuable guys. There will also be some supernatural elements, but I won't tell you any details about them because I want it to be a surprise. However, if you have any better ideas for the story, characters etc. then please tell me. I would love to hear what you think.



(Very) short synopsis:

Verena Hart is 18 years old. She's been living with her rich and over protective parents in a big mansion up until now. When the story starts she's just decided to leave home and move to a small apartment in another town (she refused to take money from her parents and saved up for the apartment on her own). On the first day of school she meets three young men who will change her life forever.



The guys:

(Click on the images to make them bigger, this will take you to the site it's uploaded on)



Name: Ayato.
Age: 19 yrs.
About him: Ayato doesn't seem to be interested in you... that is, unless he's insulting you. He rarely smiles and doesn't seem to care much about anything except training - out of the three classes you take together he only ever shows up at PE. Weirdly enough he still gets decent grades, but rumor has it he's re-done a year. He lives alone with Naozumi, who seems like his complete opposite, and another rumor says Naozumi is the one doing all of him homework. Ayato goes his own way and is not afraid to use harsh words or even violence to get what he wants. His eyes are empty and cold, but on rare occasions you may see a flicker of sadness in them.

Why did he transfer to this school two years ago? Why did he decide to make friends with Naozumi and Hiroki, but no one else? How come he always seem to disappear whenever you ask about his past?




Name: Naozumi.
Age: 18 yrs.
About him: A genius with high ambitions - Naozumi is rarely seen without a book in hand. From day one he's always shown kindness to you and you know that if you ever need someone to talk to he has time to listen. You would think his timid nature and selfless approach makes him an easy target for bullies, but the other students treat him with respect and even admiration. Naozumi is gentle and shy - at first glance the mere definition of innocence, but for some reason you get the feeling he's hiding something dark.

What happened to his older brother? Why is he so afraid of failure? Why does he always steer the conversation away from himself?




Name: Hiroki.
Age: 18 yrs.
About him: Hiroki is positive, flirty and full of energy. He means well, but he's also clumsy, impatient and extremely unlucky - which seems to be the reason for his piling detentions and visits to the Principals office. He's bad at most school related things, but he has a passion for painting. In par with his childlike personality he is creative and fearless which gives for amazing artwork. Hiroki can sometimes come off as "too much" or "over confident", but it's clear he has a kind heart.

Why does he live with foster parents? What is it that he's so obviously lying about? Why is he so afraid of commitment?



Final thoughts/questions:

What do you think of the characters (the guys)? Should I change anything about their appearances? This is their "default" faces in their school uniform, but I have made other expressions for all of them if you would like to see. I am not very good at drawing on the computer (I don't have a tab, so this is drawn by mouse) so be aware that I might not be able to do everything, but it's always good with constructive criticism.

Who is your favorite of the guys (both appearance and/or personality). Who are you more interested in? I personally like Ayato's face the most, but I'm in love with Naozumi's eyes! If you can't see - one of them is red and the other one blue. I thought of making them both red, but it looked a little scary haha. You can probably see that Hiroki was inspired by Edward form FMA (but I made him taller ). I really like guys with long hair so that's why I wanted one of them to have it.

I am also considering adding another persuable character and would love to hear some suggestions for hair and eye color combos and personality traits.

So first off, the concept is good, the overall idea is laid out clearly, I do like the characters and the way they look, and you did it with your mouse on your computer (All I could muster without a tablet only using my mouse, is a stick figure, so good on you.)

As I was reading the idea, and characters ideas, some things came to mind; Perhaps instead of her parents being aware of her moving in an apartment all by herself, and not wanting to take their money (you said they were protective, most protective parents wouldn't except their child living on their own.) You can have her run away from home with just the money she's saved up or something on the lines of that.

For Ayato, his character doesn't have much you need you change in the way of looks, however the angle of his face to his nose mouth and eyes, is a bit off. His personality I think he could be a bit more mysterious, he ignores her, and after she won't leave him alone he begins to throw the insults.

For Noazumi, again his look is my favorite out of all the three, and I like the eyes and white hair very interesting nothing you need to fix about him. On his bio, I think he should get bullied by everyone in school, however he still tries to be nice to everyone. It'd make his story a bit more in tune with his shy and gentle personality and also get a tear for the readers...then the main character seems to be the only one that treats him nicely, so then because of it, he helps her out when she needs it, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to borrow kind of thing.

For Hiroki, looks, once more great: his face angle is fine, everything is in a good spot. I think he should up his outward confidence, and popularity were all the girls in the school love him always and crowd him, then the rest of your bio of him can play out more and pop...other than that he's more than fine.

Please don't think i'm thinking to harshly, everything as of right now your doing is amazing, please keep it up!
And I hope my advice helped in anyway, I would love to be kept posted on this, and if you need anymore help I am more than happy to lend a hand.
<3

Even if you didn't go with my advice, the character will be fine, nothing you have do big changes for atleast.

TheNerdygirl101 wrote:So first off, the concept is good, the overall idea is laid out clearly, I do like the characters and the way they look, and you did it with your mouse on your computer (All I could muster without a tablet only using my mouse, is a stick figure, so good on you.)

As I was reading the idea, and characters ideas, some things came to mind; Perhaps instead of her parents being aware of her moving in an apartment all by herself, and not wanting to take their money (you said they were protective, most protective parents wouldn't except their child living on their own.) You can have her run away from home with just the money she's saved up or something on the lines of that.

For Ayato, his character doesn't have much you need you change in the way of looks, however the angle of his face to his nose mouth and eyes, is a bit off. His personality I think he could be a bit more mysterious, he ignores her, and after she won't leave him alone he begins to throw the insults.

For Noazumi, again his look is my favorite out of all the three, and I like the eyes and white hair very interesting nothing you need to fix about him. On his bio, I think he should get bullied by everyone in school, however he still tries to be nice to everyone. It'd make his story a bit more in tune with his shy and gentle personality and also get a tear for the readers...then the main character seems to be the only one that treats him nicely, so then because of it, he helps her out when she needs it, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to borrow kind of thing.

For Hiroki, looks, once more great: his face angle is fine, everything is in a good spot. I think he should up his outward confidence, and popularity were all the girls in the school love him always and crowd him, then the rest of your bio of him can play out more and pop...other than that he's more than fine.

Please don't think i'm thinking to harshly, everything as of right now your doing is amazing, please keep it up!
And I hope my advice helped in anyway, I would love to be kept posted on this, and if you need anymore help I am more than happy to lend a hand.
<3

Even if you didn't go with my advice, the character will be fine, nothing you have do big changes for atleast.

Thank you very much for the advice! I am not offended or anything, just happy that you took the time to voice your opinion - I think it'll help me a lot.

Hmm... I like the idea that she runs from home. It gives some more "spark" to the story I think. I don't think I said it, but the main character is supposed to be 18 so her parents should be fine with her moving (as long as they get to call her all the time). So far the first scene is when she's just arrived at her new apartment and her mother calls super worried and mad at the moving company for being so slow ("I thought they were the fastest one in the city!!") The protagonist just sighs and says "I'm 18 now, it's time for me to take care of myself" and then they talk for a bit. My idea was that she was on her own for the first time (she's always been pampered, never had to cook her own food or do the laundry, spoiled without even realizing it) and then realize she's not very good at adult life, but she is stubborn and refuses to admit that she's struggling. Do you still think I should change the story? If so, do you have any ideas on how she managed to run away and why? Is it because she argues with her parents, or maybe a dark secret or something? I'd love to hear it!

I see what you mean about Ayato's features. I will try google some images and look at faces angled from the front and see if I can make it look better. Do you think it'll work if he ignores Verena every time she is alone, and only ever talks about her but not directly to her (still insulting)? For example if she's with Hiroki and he says hi to Ayato, Ayato just glances at Verena and then goes (to Hiroki) "I see you had to take out the trash" or something like that. He ignores her when he can, but if he's forced to talk to her he will. Maybe if they get teamed up in PE or she manages to piss him off some way (like she spills a drink on him or something).

I'm very happy you like Naozumis looks (and that he's your favorite!). It's a good idea if he gets bullied, but I thought it might be illogical if he's openly bullied since he's friends with Ayato who can be very violent and doesn't seem like the person that would accept it if his friend got bullied. The two of them have some backstory and they live together so their bond is strong. But I could definitely make him the odd one out where he's silently bullied (they treat him like he's air). Instead of being the only person that cares for him (i'd still like him to be friends with the other two), Verena could be the first one to actually listen, Ayato being pretty self centered and Hiroki just not observant enough to notice his feelings. Again, love your input on this one.

I'm also happy you like Hiroki. I have to admit I'm very pleased with how he turned out. The only reason I haven't made him a babe magnet is because I thought it would be too cliché. But maybe it wont. It would make sense since he's very outgoing and is going to be the first one of the three guys who approaches her.

To clear it up with the relations between the guys this is my idea: They are all friends, but I think Ayato and Naozumi should be closest since they live together (and there is a reason why, but I wont reveal it). Hiroki and Naozumi are also good friends, but Hiroki is a little ignorant and Naozumi is way too shy for them to be besties. Ayato and Hirokis relationship is a little tense - mostly because Hiroki's personality can be too much for Ayato to tolerate. They argue a lot, but they still trust each other and can enjoy each others company from time to time.

Thank you once more for your thoughts. I hope this wasn't too long for you to read, hehe... I'll be sure to keep you posted if I make any changes

I think those characters are in depth and has different facets that are just waiting to be explored~

What I don't really like is the gray school jacket, it looks a little unappealing. And your boys aren't exactly haired like every spectrum of rainbows (HAHA) so feel free to have them something brighter and more spoken about the school.

I'm also a bit irked with the MC's name, Verena Hart, which indicates she's not Japanese, but it's obviously a Japanese setting...? Sometimes we want to give the characters all names of our choosing, but I think it's better to give them something appropriate to the setting. Unless, you know, it's blatantly obvious that Verena is a foreigner or something. Other option would be to give the name of MC changeable by players? Just my two cents.

Last one, about the new pursuable guy. So we have a violent and angsty Ayato, timid but mysterious Naozumi, flirty but kind Hiroki. The traits I haven't seen are glasses guys who is strict but has a hidden soft spot, or a guy who's kind but actually two-faced (the kind that throws away any love letters given to him?), MC's "best friend" or the first friend she meets in the class who's possibly not as brilliant as the trio so he has self esteem issues, the one who approaches MC and annoys the hell out of her with his excessive attitude... IDK haha. xD

For me personally, the back story is first, then the traits will follow and get honed accordingly.

Anyway, good luck!

fuicchi wrote:I think those characters are in depth and has different facets that are just waiting to be explored~

What I don't really like is the gray school jacket, it looks a little unappealing. And your boys aren't exactly haired like every spectrum of rainbows (HAHA) so feel free to have them something brighter and more spoken about the school.

I'm also a bit irked with the MC's name, Verena Hart, which indicates she's not Japanese, but it's obviously a Japanese setting...? Sometimes we want to give the characters all names of our choosing, but I think it's better to give them something appropriate to the setting. Unless, you know, it's blatantly obvious that Verena is a foreigner or something. Other option would be to give the name of MC changeable by players? Just my two cents.

Last one, about the new pursuable guy. So we have a violent and angsty Ayato, timid but mysterious Naozumi, flirty but kind Hiroki. The traits I haven't seen are glasses guys who is strict but has a hidden soft spot, or a guy who's kind but actually two-faced (the kind that throws away any love letters given to him?), MC's "best friend" or the first friend she meets in the class who's possibly not as brilliant as the trio so he has self esteem issues, the one who approaches MC and annoys the hell out of her with his excessive attitude... IDK haha. xD

For me personally, the back story is first, then the traits will follow and get honed accordingly.

Anyway, good luck!

Thank you for telling me what you think. I actually made the uniform a little dull on purpose because I wanted to steer the focus away from the body (since I'm not very good at drawing it). I also wanted it to look as much as possible like a real japanese school uniform and most of them are actually grey, black or blue themed. Especially the men's uniform tend to be darker and simpler.

Aww I really like the name "Verena"... But you're right. I should probably make it Japanese. I want something simple to remember. What do you think about Ami or Mayumi? I have to think about the last name a bit longer though.

I like your ideas about the new guy. I like the "strict" and "two faced" ones best. I think they'd be easy to work with.

Thank you very much for the advice! I am not offended or anything, just happy that you took the time to voice your opinion - I think it'll help me a lot.

Hmm... I like the idea that she runs from home. It gives some more "spark" to the story I think. I don't think I said it, but the main character is supposed to be 18 so her parents should be fine with her moving (as long as they get to call her all the time). So far the first scene is when she's just arrived at her new apartment and her mother calls super worried and mad at the moving company for being so slow ("I thought they were the fastest one in the city!!") The protagonist just sighs and says "I'm 18 now, it's time for me to take care of myself" and then they talk for a bit. My idea was that she was on her own for the first time (she's always been pampered, never had to cook her own food or do the laundry, spoiled without even realizing it) and then realize she's not very good at adult life, but she is stubborn and refuses to admit that she's struggling. Do you still think I should change the story? If so, do you have any ideas on how she managed to run away and why? Is it because she argues with her parents, or maybe a dark secret or something? I'd love to hear it!

I see what you mean about Ayato's features. I will try google some images and look at faces angled from the front and see if I can make it look better. Do you think it'll work if he ignores Verena every time she is alone, and only ever talks about her but not directly to her (still insulting)? For example if she's with Hiroki and he says hi to Ayato, Ayato just glances at Verena and then goes (to Hiroki) "I see you had to take out the trash" or something like that. He ignores her when he can, but if he's forced to talk to her he will. Maybe if they get teamed up in PE or she manages to piss him off some way (like she spills a drink on him or something).

I'm very happy you like Naozumis looks (and that he's your favorite!). It's a good idea if he gets bullied, but I thought it might be illogical if he's openly bullied since he's friends with Ayato who can be very violent and doesn't seem like the person that would accept it if his friend got bullied. The two of them have some backstory and they live together so their bond is strong. But I could definitely make him the odd one out where he's silently bullied (they treat him like he's air). Instead of being the only person that cares for him (i'd still like him to be friends with the other two), Verena could be the first one to actually listen, Ayato being pretty self centered and Hiroki just not observant enough to notice his feelings. Again, love your input on this one.

I'm also happy you like Hiroki. I have to admit I'm very pleased with how he turned out. The only reason I haven't made him a babe magnet is because I thought it would be too cliché. But maybe it wont. It would make sense since he's very outgoing and is going to be the first one of the three guys who approaches her.

To clear it up with the relations between the guys this is my idea: They are all friends, but I think Ayato and Naozumi should be closest since they live together (and there is a reason why, but I wont reveal it). Hiroki and Naozumi are also good friends, but Hiroki is a little ignorant and Naozumi is way too shy for them to be besties. Ayato and Hirokis relationship is a little tense - mostly because Hiroki's personality can be too much for Ayato to tolerate. They argue a lot, but they still trust each other and can enjoy each others company from time to time.

Thank you once more for your thoughts. I hope this wasn't too long for you to read, hehe... I'll be sure to keep you posted if I make any changes

Thanks!
I'm glad you like my advice, with Naozumi I believe you should have him bullied by everyone, but not from Ayato, Hiroki and the main character sorry if I didn't make that clear. I could do an outline for your for the characters so it can help you with angles, free of coarse (I just like helping people and gaining skill but it's cool if you want to do it yourself.) I also agree that the main characters name is kind of strange when the fact that all others have Japanese names unless she moves here from another contry (Maybe she's fascinated. And thanks for clearing up the whole beginning- it's completely fine that you have her move on her own with her parents knowing I wasn't making it such a big thing I just thought it was strange because their protective of her, however I like the fact that she's kind of going on her own now and she has to deal with normal life.

Also for the main characters' name you can code it so you can, the player, name them whatever they want, unless you want to have a set name for the MC.

Impulse wrote:
Thank you for telling me what you think. I actually made the uniform a little dull on purpose because I wanted to steer the focus away from the body (since I'm not very good at drawing it). I also wanted it to look as much as possible like a real japanese school uniform and most of them are actually grey, black or blue themed. Especially the men's uniform tend to be darker and simpler.

Aww I really like the name "Verena"... But you're right. I should probably make it Japanese. I want something simple to remember. What do you think about Ami or Mayumi? I have to think about the last name a bit longer though.

I like your ideas about the new guy. I like the "strict" and "two faced" ones best. I think they'd be easy to work with.

Just in case you didn't get the reference, I was talking about ridiculous anime boys' hair like in Kiniro no Corda, Kuroko's Basketball, or Uta*Pri xD
I think both black or blue would look nice. Gray isn't that bad actually, once the sprites are plastered against colorful backgrounds...?And no, you're not that bad in drawing the bodies, they look fine! (Maybe needing a little shading, but they're fine!)

For the name, both sounds nice, but I'm leaning towards my second advice, which is to let players type their own names. That way, you could still set the default name as "Verena"~

I like those two as well! They seem like distinctive traits, so it'll be easier to play around with. As for Naozumi, specifically, I actually really like the way you described him, that his timid personality makes him the bullied type but everyone actually treats him with respect? There's a huge back story right there, and I'm a sucker for those. I'm also going to guess that he's actually a badass thug when he's snapped lmao

Again, thank you both for your opinions. You both have different opinions on whether Naozumi should be bullied or not. I will think about that one and see which one fits best with his backstory (I have already decided most of it already).

I was planning of making the player type in their own name, but then I realized it would take a lot of work with the coding. I'd rather spend time on other things like customizing CG's or creating more in game menu's and work on the points system. By choosing the name for the protagonist I can also make the guys give her nicknames and mispronounce it and so on, which I think makes it more realistic in a way.

Just wanted to say that I moved this project to the "Work in progress" page. I'm hoping to finish it this summer! You can find the link in my signature.