Cosmic Raven - Ep. 1 [KN][Comedy][Sci-Fi][Short][18+]

[Shagwrath]

A dystopian sci-fi KN themed around the 1980's with a retro/futuristic look and featuring synthwave music.

Overview:
I'm attempting to create an alternate universe to tell the story in, complete with a constructed language based off of music and Japanese to fit with the Synthwave and Metal influences. All package in the theme of the 1980's and the faux-futuristic retro feel associate with Synthwave and 80's nostalgia.
The entire KN is presented like a TV show, complete 3 acts and with fake, but relevant tv commercials between breaks. This is my first KN, so this is a learning experience for me, and at the same time I want to try something different, so I put my dating sim aside to work on this.

Novel is about 20k lines, and is a work in progress and if I come out of this alive I may possible write the other 11 episode I have planned and tell the entire story I have planned.



Concept:
A few hundred years from now, after humanity has completely ruined the planet, an evil race of aliens known as the Kriegans answered humanities pleas for help and came and enslaved them all, and annihilated the planet. Most of humans still alive today work as slaves to Kriegans or other rich beings, some lucky or smart ones made it out of slavery and make their living in otherways; there's always crime of course. Nekroxx made it out of the mines, and now works as a space trucker, driving his big rig across the universe, pulling odd jobs here and there that make him ends meat. There's a rumor that goes through space, it probably started the day that the Earth was destroyed, but the rumor says, out there somewhere is the key to restore humanity, something that will bring them all back together to a new home and finally bring them peace. Somehow Nekroxx got wrapped up in all of that, and now everyone thinks he's 'Humanity's Last Hope', but he uses that reputation to his advantage as he looks for the key and a way to destroy the evil Kriegans that have made themselves the rulers of the universe.

The universe belongs to these evil aliens, the whole of it speaks their language, Grimlore, which is also played on musical instruments as it is spoken to make sentences of mini songs, each race of people has different instruments and sounds of speech, setting them apart but the Kriegans use Talkboxes, a small belt mounted keyboard with 4 octaves, designed to be operated with one hand. Other beings plug their native instruments into this box to modulate and amplify the sounds. (Note this language is being developed into an actual thing, the sounds and letters have been designed)

Nekroxx, who by the way uses a guitar to speak Grimlore, returns home to Moospa to drop off a load and meet one of his special contacts, things go really wrong from there, before he even has a chance to drop off his illegal cargo. One mistake after another brings Nekroxx an inch from death before he is miraculously saved at the last second by a strange girl who is not what she seems... The two take on the biggest gang on the planet and make it out bruised and bloodied but alive, after all that's happened they decide to team up.



Expanded:
Right now I plan for the game to be free, because really I just want to build a name for myself and treat this as a learning experience. On a more personal note I got into visual novels almost a year ago and got inspired to make my own. I've worked on and solely developed a dozen or so other games so I have some discipline.
I've also been contacting some record labels for use of some bigger name artists to lend their music to the soundtrack, but I'm fully capable of writing my own music for the game if need be, but that's nowhere near as cool as a big name artist contributing. Here's hoping!

I'm currently spell checking my current draft. After that If I can get some people to read it then pending any changes based on peoples thoughts and criticism the script will be finished and I con focus solely on storyboarding, crachter concepts, etc. (See 'Plan' below for morei nformation)



Script:
Final Draft : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VtD ... sp=sharing


Progress: ~10%
Plan:
--> * Reviews
* Final Draft
* Storyboard
* Character Art
* Backgrounds
* 3D Asset Creation (if needed)
* Voice (if used)
* Music
* SFX
* Movies
* Pre-Release
* Release

If anyone is interested in working on this please let me know as I don't have a problem working with the right person, or people. I have the ability to complete the game solo, but my area of skill are most lacking in character creation and I have not done creative writing in a long time.



What I'm Asking of You
* Your honest feedback. Thoughts, comments, questions, concerns. Anything.
* If you can't or don't want to read all or any of the script then at least tell me what you think of the concept, and the art.
* What did you like?
* What did you hate?
* Would you play Cosmic Raven?



Gallery:
Concept Art:


Game Stills:








Space Rig Concept: http://i.imgur.com/7VndJVC.png?1

Main Menu Background (loop): [youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOyqMk-5J_4[/youtube]
Pause Menu (loop): [youtube]https://youtu.be/uEim3LRGGj4[/youtube]
Fake Advert 1: [youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evRTmo-nwJg[/youtube]
Fake Advert 2: It's gonna be a few days

Grimlore Dictionary(WIP): https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/ ... edit#gid=0
Grimlore Language Chart: http://imgur.com/a8uWgDM

Character Sheets:
Nekroxx: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Wbn ... sp=sharing
Raven: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dUd ... sp=sharing
G.A.R.T.H.(WIP): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fao ... sp=sharing

Builds: (Nothing exciting yet, just proof I'm serious and not a complete idiot.)
http://progenygaming.net/staff/shagwrat ... ic%20raven

[psy_wombats]

A synth wave theme? That sounds pretty interesting actually, will probably check out the script tonight

[Shagwrath]

A synth wave theme? That sounds pretty interesting actually, will probably check out the script tonight

Cheers. Really anxious to get someone's honest thoughts on it so I hope you do. I gave it to 3 friends a week ago but no one's started to read it yet.

[psy_wombats]

Sorry, read through the script last night and never got a chance to put down my thoughts. I'm not sure what level of granularity of feedback you're looking for on the script, so here's just some general things on concept plus the script itself:

- Your script reads like prose fiction much more than a KN/VN script, It's heavy on narration and still has lots of dialog tags where this probably wouldn't be necessary for a KN. (maybe I missed it somewhere, but this is for a KN as opposed to like light novel or something right?) You'll probably have to make a bunch of technical changes to get this from short fiction to something resembling script. Do you have much experience with conventional VNs/KNs?

- I can definitely see the cowboy bepop influences haha. You could try looking back at the anime and looking at what made its aesthetic tick (the episode titling and sound I at least remember at last) as opposed to just the setting (that space trucking episode)

- It'd be nice to hear more about what makes the different aliens actually alien. As described they seem mostly like off-temper humans. Same goes for the music-y language. I was hoping it would tie into the whole synthwave theme but it's never really touched on after the first episode

- Actually apart from Grimlore I didn't really read much synthwave out of it at all, and wouldn't have picked up without your gallery link (I did check out the gallery after reading, that stuff's great and could really give a VN a unique look, by far the best part of the pitch to me, anyway). Maybe I'm just not into synthwave enough except as a genre of music, but it mostly struck me as more general scifi/action, especially with the "hope for all humanity" and other Titan AE stuff

- Try to proofread your own stuff before soliciting general feedback, even if it is just a first draft

- Nonbinary gender representation is great and all, but for the love of god please don't have your transgender character whip out their genitalia the first page they're introduced

[Shagwrath]

Sorry, read through the script last night and never got a chance to put down my thoughts. I'm not sure what level of granularity of feedback you're looking for on the script, so here's just some general things on concept plus the script itself:

- Your script reads like prose fiction much more than a KN/VN script, It's heavy on narration and still has lots of dialog tags where this probably wouldn't be necessary for a KN. (maybe I missed it somewhere, but this is for a KN as opposed to like light novel or something right?) You'll probably have to make a bunch of technical changes to get this from short fiction to something resembling script. Do you have much experience with conventional VNs/KNs?

- I can definitely see the cowboy bepop influences haha. You could try looking back at the anime and looking at what made its aesthetic tick (the episode titling and sound I at least remember at last) as opposed to just the setting (that space trucking episode)

- It'd be nice to hear more about what makes the different aliens actually alien. As described they seem mostly like off-temper humans. Same goes for the music-y language. I was hoping it would tie into the whole synthwave theme but it's never really touched on after the first episode

- Actually apart from Grimlore I didn't really read much synthwave out of it at all, and wouldn't have picked up without your gallery link (I did check out the gallery after reading, that stuff's great and could really give a VN a unique look, by far the best part of the pitch to me, anyway). Maybe I'm just not into synthwave enough except as a genre of music, but it mostly struck me as more general scifi/action, especially with the "hope for all humanity" and other Titan AE stuff

- Try to proofread your own stuff before soliciting general feedback, even if it is just a first draft

- Nonbinary gender representation is great and all, but for the love of god please don't have your transgender character whip out their genitalia the first page they're introduced

Thanks for the feedback, it will give me some stuff to mill over in my head today at work. In my defense I do realize i will have to rewrite a lot, I do want and like the narration but there's more than there needs to be i know, for the sake of describing what actions people are taking and where they are, since no art has been done yet, it was intended to help the reader until its in final form. I think you're right to about watching Cowboy bebop and trying to pick up on some of its aesthetics, also I'm finding it hard to sell synthwave as i feel it really a visual thing, so i dont think it something you would read about in the novel too much, but it would be present in the art. I think you hit the nail on the head too about the Kreigans, they need to stand out more and feel more alien, not just like pissed off humans, so that's definitely a good note. I really want to go into the Grimlore thing more, I'm just iffy about boring the reader to death, but perhaps I should take the chance and just make sure its not too dry.

Sorry bout the proof reading, I'm notorious for that, but I did try.

I really felt that the whole whipping the genitalia out felt right though, I was going for a little shock value but it felt in character for Raven too, so just something else I need to consider.

This is a ll a learning experience for me so lot's to learn still I suppose.

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

Also, you asked if I have much experience, no, this is my first KN, I've tried to read other people's advice and I've been reading things in the FAQ/Help but apart from that I have no experience lol.

[psy_wombats]

Thanks for the feedback, it will give me some stuff to mill over in my head today at work. In my defense I do realize i will have to rewrite a lot, I do want and like the narration but there's more than there needs to be i know, for the sake of describing what actions people are taking and where they are, since no art has been done yet, it was intended to help the reader until its in final form. I think you're right to about watching Cowboy bebop and trying to pick up on some of its aesthetics, also I'm finding it hard to sell synthwave as i feel it really a visual thing, so i dont think it something you would read about in the novel too much, but it would be present in the art. I think you hit the nail on the head too about the Kreigans, they need to stand out more and feel more alien, not just like pissed off humans, so that's definitely a good note. I really want to go into the Grimlore thing more, I'm just iffy about boring the reader to death, but perhaps I should take the chance and just make sure its not too dry.

Sorry bout the proof reading, I'm notorious for that, but I did try.

I really felt that the whole whipping the genitalia out felt right though, I was going for a little shock value but it felt in character for Raven too, so just something else I need to consider.

This is a ll a learning experience for me so lot's to learn still I suppose.

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

Also, you asked if I have much experience, no, this is my first KN, I've tried to read other people's advice and I've been reading things in the FAQ/Help but apart from that I have no experience lol.

No problem. About VN/KN experience, I was mainly asking about if you had played/read any to get a feel for the medium. I'm more used to seeing scripts for this sort of thing reading more like a screenplay than prose fiction. But then again it's nice seeing projects that don't conform to easy classification like that at all.

[Shagwrath]

Thanks for the feedback, it will give me some stuff to mill over in my head today at work. In my defense I do realize i will have to rewrite a lot, I do want and like the narration but there's more than there needs to be i know, for the sake of describing what actions people are taking and where they are, since no art has been done yet, it was intended to help the reader until its in final form. I think you're right to about watching Cowboy bebop and trying to pick up on some of its aesthetics, also I'm finding it hard to sell synthwave as i feel it really a visual thing, so i dont think it something you would read about in the novel too much, but it would be present in the art. I think you hit the nail on the head too about the Kreigans, they need to stand out more and feel more alien, not just like pissed off humans, so that's definitely a good note. I really want to go into the Grimlore thing more, I'm just iffy about boring the reader to death, but perhaps I should take the chance and just make sure its not too dry.

Sorry bout the proof reading, I'm notorious for that, but I did try.

I really felt that the whole whipping the genitalia out felt right though, I was going for a little shock value but it felt in character for Raven too, so just something else I need to consider.

This is a ll a learning experience for me so lot's to learn still I suppose.

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

Also, you asked if I have much experience, no, this is my first KN, I've tried to read other people's advice and I've been reading things in the FAQ/Help but apart from that I have no experience lol.

No problem. About VN/KN experience, I was mainly asking about if you had played/read any to get a feel for the medium. I'm more used to seeing scripts for this sort of thing reading more like a screenplay than prose fiction. But then again it's nice seeing projects that don't conform to easy classification like that at all.

Just recently got into VN so really im a noob to all of this, but i love them now and this is where i want to take my game design career. I've never cared so much about characters, been so immersed that I actually felt like i was there or felt so sad once a game was over as with a visual novel. This is a powerful medium.

I'm taking what you said to heart though and I'll start rewriting it this weekend when I have time, and i think I'll start putting it in the proper format as I go.

To anyone else that may read this topic, I would still appreciate any feedback you want to give and not be against working with other people if they're interested. It would be great to find a character artist because I think that's where my skills are most lacking, but anyone's welcome.

[gekiganwing]

I made sure to read your Google Doc. Here are my comments and criticism:

* When writing, ask yourself "What will the reader see during this moment?" Think about what sort of illustration would be appropriate for the scene, and perhaps also what characters will be on-screen.

* I'm not sure what I think about science fiction characters whose names include X or Z. It could work. Maybe it's better than names such as "Bob from Neptune," or tacking terms such as "space" and "robot" unto other words.

* There are many times when it's appropriate for characters to curse. Sometimes it's an important element of characterization. However, there are times when I have thought that a writer included cursing in order to assert that their story is not a toy commercial, and that it is aimed at adults. Consider whether it makes sense in a scene, and how much is too much.

* There are times when it's appropriate for a character to flash someone, or lose their faculties. Should this be shown on screen? I'm not sure. Think about whether it's dramatically appropriate, or whether it's meant to shock the audience.

The plan was that if this one is well received I would make a total of 12 episodes to tell the total story, and I will develop the language Grimlore a bit more (fore my own personal interest, but also so it can be used), I already have some of the rules of grammar, the notes/sounds and 49 characters designed. Right now I plan for the game to be free...

I understand that you have dreams and ambitions. Just be careful with the scope of your story. Please keep in mind that an awful lot of planned freeware games and visual novels never get created. Many get discontinued during the planning stages. I believe that you will benefit by reading the Why So Many Unfinished Visual Novels? discussion thread.

[Shagwrath]

I made sure to read your Google Doc. Here are my comments and criticism:

* When writing, ask yourself "What will the reader see during this moment?" Think about what sort of illustration would be appropriate for the scene, and perhaps also what characters will be on-screen.

* I'm not sure what I think about science fiction characters whose names include X or Z. It could work. Maybe it's better than names such as "Bob from Neptune," or tacking terms such as "space" and "robot" unto other words.

* There are many times when it's appropriate for characters to curse. Sometimes it's an important element of characterization. However, there are times when I have thought that a writer included cursing in order to assert that their story is not a toy commercial, and that it is aimed at adults. Consider whether it makes sense in a scene, and how much is too much.

* There are times when it's appropriate for a character to flash someone, or lose their faculties. Should this be shown on screen? I'm not sure. Think about whether it's dramatically appropriate, or whether it's meant to shock the audience.

The plan was that if this one is well received I would make a total of 12 episodes to tell the total story, and I will develop the language Grimlore a bit more (fore my own personal interest, but also so it can be used), I already have some of the rules of grammar, the notes/sounds and 49 characters designed. Right now I plan for the game to be free...

I understand that you have dreams and ambitions. Just be careful with the scope of your story. Please keep in mind that an awful lot of planned freeware games and visual novels never get created. Many get discontinued during the planning stages. I believe that you will benefit by reading the Why So Many Unfinished Visual Novels? discussion thread.

I'm not married to the main character's name, in fact I'm almost certain i will change it down the line, most all of the names of people, places etc have some sort of black metal influence so that's where I'm getting them from, Nekroxx was my old band name. BUt i understand what you're saying, there's a fine line between believable fake names and apparently fake names.

I think I'll write out some character sheets so I get a better feel for the characters and maybe I can remove some of the cursing, I do see the main character as foul-mouthed so I think i need to just dial it back then.

I'll consider rewriting the flashing scene, I'm conflicted now.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me me your thoughts. I've been working on games for a few years now so I'm always dealing with scope, I started another project that was way too big so I'm working on this to be smaller and not so overwhelming. Inevitably I know I'm going to make mistakes and not put out an A+ game (not that I'm still got gonna give it my damnest). Saying I'll work on 11 is maybe getting a little a head of myself, but that's a pipe dream, I don't expect to do it it's just the way I wanted to present the VN.

[Shagwrath]

Just wanted to give a small update.

Currently in the process of making the 3D Models to render the background scenes and trying to secure permission from an artist to use their music in the game (the first one declined so I'm in talks with another), haven't had a chance to rewrite the story but as time goes on the flaws become more apparent so I look forward to giving it another serious go and stepping the quality up to the next level.

In a week or a few I'll post some pictures and I'll host a build of the game once there's something to see apart from fancy looking GUIs

[Shagwrath]

Updated all information, added some images of the game and links to the script, Grimlore, and concept art.

Development is in full swing but I would appreciate some more people's feedback on the script as I've changed and added a lot, but any feedback is welcome!

I'll update again in a few weeks or whenever I have the storyboards done.

[Shagwrath]

I've made a new build, uploaded it to my webserver and linked it in the title post.

I'm seeking criticism on the latest draft of the script so I can move onto art.

After I review the criticism I receive I will abandon this thread and make a new topic in the WIP section as this is not really an idea anymore, and I've convinced myself I'm committed to finish it. Hopefully this will be within a week.

[Shagwrath]

Script is being edited and a musician just came on board today, still seeking criticism on the script if anyone is interested in reading.

[Shagwrath]

Looking for an artist, read more here : viewtopic.php?f=59&t=39484&p=422326#p422326

[Shagwrath]

Here's our tumblr if you want to keep up to date with our progress:
http://cosmicravenvn.tumblr.com/