Working on a VN -Would appreciate advice/suggestions/opinion

[Kissmealready]

Hey,

I'm currently writing a story that revolves a girl named Anya.

"New York city is no easy feat for Anya, a 21-year-old girl who escaped her broken home and alcoholic father. With help from her sister, she gets settled into an apartment and sets out to find the perfect roommate, hoping to find some stability in the uncertainty which is her life."

This story is about escaping, and what better place to escape to than New York City.

The story begins with Anya looking to post a listing for a roommate. You are given 3 choices 1)Craigslist 2)Reddit 3)Going through a real estate broker.

Each selection results in a different male character, with a different personality and storyline.

I love the VN's on here, but I don't really see real, gritty, raw emotions being portrayed as much. I want to be able to show that through my writing so there will probably be an age restriction. However, I am open to making some changes and having a censored version.

Here is a scene from a character I really enjoy writing.

Vern - WTF MAN WHATS WRONG WITH YOU

I hide behind the wall, hoping for Vern not to see me. He’s red in the face, yelling at the man that stands in front of him.

Man - C’mon Vern, you know how she was

Vern - YEAH I KNEW SHE WAS LIKE THAT, BUT YOU?? YOU, VIN?? I THOUGHT WE WERE HOMEBOYS MAN

Vin - Look Vern, I’m sorry man. You’re my day 1 and I regret that shit, but I was drunk and she came on to me

Vern - And you let her. You let my girl…my ex..You let Joanna come on to you

Vin - I was drunk man

Vern - That’s no excuse. You’re always fucking drunk

Vin lets out a sigh and sits down near the corridor

Vin - You didn’t love her vern. I don't know why you were in that relationship

Vern looks at Vin, teeth clenched, shaking his head

Vern - You don't know that man..

Vern - You don't fucking get to say who I do or don't love

Vin - You know this wasn't the first time she did it

Vern looks away

Vin - Ask Tommy and Rog down at the pub. They got good memory

Vin - We just ain’t have the heart to tell you that your girls a whore

Vern gets up angrier than ever, clenching his fist.


Make a Choice : What do I do?

A - Interrupt them

B - Don't do anything

C- Call the cops

So..considering this is the first time I'm working on a VN, this project is all over the place, but please let me know what you think so far.

Thank You (:

[trooper6]

There certainly are VN with gritty, raw emotions out there. You just have to look for them!
I recommend Analogue: A Hate Story.

Anyway as to your writing sample, two small things:
1) "Pub" is more British usage. These guys, in my opinion, given how they are talking, would say "bar."
2) Vern and Vin are a bit too close, I'd recommend having their names be more different. I'd day not starting with the same letter would be good.

Good luck with your VN.

[Kissmealready]

There certainly are VN with gritty, raw emotions out there. You just have to look for them!
I recommend Analogue: A Hate Story.

Anyway as to your writing sample, two small things:
1) "Pub" is more British usage. These guys, in my opinion, given how they are talking, would say "bar."
2) Vern and Vin are a bit too close, I'd recommend having their names be more different. I'd day not starting with the same letter would be good.

Good luck with your VN.

I'll check that out.

Mhm, I suppose Bar would be more fitting considering the story is set in NYC. I'm from here and we have pubs, but most people say bar.
And yeah, I myself was getting confused while writing that bit because the names are too alike, will change that as well.

Thank You for your suggestions!

[Taleweaver]

Moved to Ideas.

[gekiganwing]

The story begins with Anya looking to post a listing for a roommate... Each selection results in a different male character, with a different personality and storyline.

Think about where you want your story to go. What events could occur? How many ways can the story end? Do you want to convey any lessons or ideas?

For a few more insights, consider reading the TVTropes article So You Want to Make a Visual Novel.

I love the VN's on here, but I don't really see real, gritty, raw emotions being portrayed as much. I want to be able to show that through my writing so there will probably be an age restriction.

Some personal thoughts on approaches to avoid, from a person who's spent too much time in video game and comics fandoms:

1. "Swearing is so cool and mature." Characters should curse when it's relevant to their characterization. However, I'd advise against using it to shock the audience, or to justify mature audiences only content restriction. A huge amount of swearing can numb the reader. Sometimes the reader might end up laughing.

2. "It's the 1990s, and comics / games are totally for adults now!" Sometimes it's important to include unsettling or adult content. Violence, horror, and sex all have their place. It might be relevant to portray a relentlessly bleak fictional world, or a story with no good endings. That said, don't just throw them in. I do not think that mature content should be defined as more gore, more T&A, or more perpetually angry characters. Instead, I think that it should include more problems without easy solutions, and more worlds without black-and-white morality.

Make sure that people care about your characters and world. In my opinion, that's what matters.