Work in progress: Heileen - romance VN

[jack_norton]

I've just translated myself the first few dialogues. Can you take a look and tell me what you think? does it suck? or I could go on this way with help of a proof-reader?

Code: Select all

    h "I'm so nervous. Terribly nervous!"
    h "Why my uncle Otto absolutely needed me in this trip? He's a famous english merchant of prussian origins, so for him it's normal to travel, but this time I think he exaggerated a bit... traveling to America?"
    h "\"You must come with me to discover the New World\" he kept saying to me. But what if I'm not interested? I'm fine here in Liverpool! I don't need new emotions!"
    h "I'm sure I'll get ill by some new disease. They have discovered so many in America..."
    m "<Laughing> Haha look at your face, Heileen! you're so scared! You won't really believe everything you hear..."
    "Marie is my best friend since we were young. I used to play with her as a child, then when I lost my parents and I had to go living with my uncle Otto, we lost ourselves a bit... but with her I always had a special feeling!"
    h "Marie! how long! you changed a lot... but why're you here too?"
    m "Yeah...your uncle's idea! He thought that if I'm here too, you'll feel safer."
    h "..."
    m "Why, isn't that true?"
    menu:
        "Yes... I have to admit that you're right. Welcome onboard!":
            m "Now I recognize you! come on, let's go, they're waiting for us!"
        "Honestly,no... I'm not a kid anymore...":
            "Probably she wasn't expecting that answer... her expression changed."
            m "Well of course... I didn't mean... nevermind, let's go now."
    h "All right... if there's no way to avoid this absurd voyage..."

[PyTom]

Hm... I'd suggest you need someone more than a proofreader, and less than a full translator. Somebody like a 'localization editor', who can take a look at the translation in context, and understanding the character's personalities, render it into slightly less stilted English.

As an aside, one of the big things with English is that for many things we have two sets of words, French and Germanic in origin, with the former being more blunt than the latter. "What's your job?" and "Please tell me your occupation?" are equivalent, but a character saying the first might never know the second.

Or something.

Code: Select all

    h "I'm so nervous. Terribly nervous!"
    h "Did my uncle Otto absolutely need me in this trip? He's a famous English merchant, born in Prussia, so for him it's normal to travel, but this time I think he's gone too far... traveling to America?"
    h "\"You must come with me to discover the New World!\" he kept saying to me. But what if I'm not interested? I'm fine here in Liverpool! I don't need new experiences!"
    h "I'm sure I'll get ill from some new disease. They've discovered so many in America..."
    m "<Laughing> Look at your face, Heileen! You're so scared! Don't believe everything you hear..."
    "Marie has been my best friend since we were young. I used to play with her as a child, but when I lost my parents and I had to go live with my uncle Otto, we lost touch a bit... Seeing her again brings back old times!"
    h "Marie! How long has it been? You've changed... but why are you here?"
    m "Yeah... It's your uncle's idea! He thought that if I'm here, you'll feel safer."
    h "..."
    m "Why, isn't that true?"
    menu:
        "Yes... I have to admit that you're right. Welcome aboard!":
            m "Now that's the girl I know! come on, let's go, they're waiting for us!"
        "Honestly, no... I'm not a kid anymore...":
            "She probably wasn't expecting that answer... her expression changed."
            m "Well of course... I didn't mean... nevermind, let's go..."
    h "All right... if there's no way to avoid this absurd voyage..."

Or something like that.

[azureXtwilight]

dead? no no, I'm alive as a zombie!

Jokes apart I am already halfway. But today had an idea. Rather than spending on translators, I am thinking to go back and translate myself in english the part I have already written in italian, since I now have 2 people that volunteered to do a proof-reading of the texts, and invest that money finding a sexy female voiceover for the main character heileen.

What do you think? could be worth it? I like the idea of a speaking character

Wow, that's a great idea!
That's not a big deal for me, even if the size will be 100 MBs, but...
If it's not free, maybe I'll pass

[sciencewarrior]

@azureXtwilight: It's a commercial project.

@jack_norton: I don't think I have to say how I'd love to hear Heileen, but I'm afraid the pauses when the other characters talk to her will feel a bit awkward. I think you can spend a fraction of that money on high quality stock sound effects, like sea birds and cannons, and it will add more to the atmosphere.

[jack_norton]

Thanks for the replies. Indeed I now realized myself that I need someone to rework the texts, not just proof-read them the PyTom version looks much better! sigh why I wasn't born in a english-speaking country!?

Anyway I have already some background effects (gulls for example) BUT I also found a person that is helping with voiceovers. It is true though that when the main character is not speaking, the silence feels a bit odd.

I'm not sure yet on how to proceed honestly, need to think about it more...

[N0UGHTS]

sigh why I wasn't born in a english-speaking country!?

Kah, at least you know a second language... Me, nah. Don't have the time or the money. It'd be nice, though... You just have to surround yourself by more English media. English shows, movies, books... Especially books, that'll help a lot. Like, maybe Dune or Harry Potter.

Good luck with your thinking. We won't mind waiting for an awesome Italian historical-fiction GL game, so take your time with it.

By the way, if you have CVs (Character Voices), will they be in Italian, or English? I could go either way. Though I'd prefer Italian... That way I could learn Italian. XD

[jack_norton]

No no, will be english :p italian won't make sense at all, because of market size and also is really hard to understasnd when talking (too many accents)

[Ren]

Un'altro Italiano?
Ah, capperi :3

[N0UGHTS]

No no, will be english :p italian won't make sense at all, because of market size and also is really hard to understasnd when talking (too many accents)

So you're saying... Italian will be more expensive, and even if the voices were in Italian, learning Italian would be impossible because of all the different accents? Or, when you're referring to "market size," you're saying that not many people would buy the game if the voices were in Italian?

Well, maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't mind the voices being in Italian so long as the text is in English. It'd even add a bit more flavour and novelty, too... And of course there are the people who would go, "Oooh! Italian lesbian babes! There should be more Italian lesbian babes in indie games... Even though the names aren't Italian." XD

To put it straight, if the voices are in Italian, the game will be more exotic. More... more rare, more valuable. I doubt anyone would mind, anyway. Of course, maybe it's just me going for the Italian... Bah, you should still do whatever you want to do, though. English, mute, Italian, Pig Latin... Right Mr. Developer?

[Ren]

I might be wrong, but I think he's referring to the different dialectal accent: I remember I once heard that in Japan they chose Lain's voice with some kind of open audition where everyone could participate...that would be a bit harder here because most people have at least a slight accent from their region so if he he needed more than one actor for more than one role they'd sound weirdly from many places.

That and it's always better to have someone with no accent for dubbing (I understand because I'm a maniac for this kind of thing, I know quite some dubbers' names and tried hard not to have an accent myself-even though I'm from a place in the north that has a horrible inflection- for the heck of it )

[jack_norton]

No was referring that isn't worth hiring an italian voiceover because won't be worth it in term of return of investment. I've many games on sale in my sites and italian buyers aren't even 10% of my total...

BTW won't be a porn game!! haha you picture it like the lesbian theme is the main one. Sorry but it won't be

[azureXtwilight]

If you don't post it in the hentai game development then it won't be porn, of course!
Good luck with your project, then!

[N0UGHTS]

Haha, I know it isn't gonna be 18+. I'm just saying more people will think the game is exotic if it has lesbian babes speaking in Italian. XD Even if there's no 18+ scenes a few people would find it very interesting...

Dude, awesome! GL (GL is GL, even if it's innocent) game that focuses more on plot and less on sex! Even if I knew that beforehand. :p I've been looking for one of those...

[Mirielle]

If you're looking for voiceover then I can offer my services for free, if you're interested? I consider my specialty to be in the lower seductive female voice, but I can go higher, or lower, depending on what the role requires. If you'd like me to record something as a sample, or audition, I would be very willing! Considering accents...I don't know any Italian, so I'm pretty much stuck with American-English (unless you'd like them to be Australian...*cough*), but if you want them to have an Italian accent, I might be able to fake it? Ahaha...

Other than that, the artwork here looks simply amazing, and I wish you the best of luck!!

[jack_norton]

Mirielle, that's very appreciated the other girl that was helping me disappeared since 2 days (but could be because of some health problems of her). She was supposed to do the main character, but since there are plenty of females in the game ( yay ) you could try doing another character.
I'll let you know shortly! About accents is no problem american one. I only wrote my game in italian but actually in the game the only italian member of the crew is the cook! everyone else is english or speak that language!