Down in the River (Horror, Romance, Eroge, Free)

[EppleBloom]

First time posting here so sorry if it's not super pretty. Gradually fixing it as I go.

Down in the River

Genres: Romance, Horror/Thriller

Rating: M for various reasons...

Plot:
After failing his parents for the thousandth time and being put on academic probation from a prestigious university, Will is given a final chance at redeeming himself. He'll be working in the garden of a distant family friend while she's off getting holistic treatment for a terminal illness. Which would be easy enough if that was at all her intention in hiring him.
Unbeknownst to him, Miss Guerra is more than a little sour at the idea she'll die without leaving an heir to her fortune, so she's devised a plan to name someone as her beneficiary and who better to judge the candidates than her godson? But with the inheritance of a fortune 500 company and all the luxuries that come with it on the line, things go about as well as you'd expect...

Setting:
A small town in rural Texas that transforms into a massive tourist trap almost overnight for two weeks every August to host a fair in the honor of an old local legend. Perfection is the town and their celebration is the "Festival of Fortune", named so after the legend of a witch who brought great riches there in a time of need, though it only gained notoriety after a tragedy that took place there some years back.
The area the main characters stay in is a long way out, down a dirt road in a secluded area where a few rich folks have bought out the land for lavish summer homes. Deep in the prairie, where the tall grass moves and sways like the tide. The humidity is oppressive, the heat is murder, and unless you're willing to drive into town you're stuck with the company you've got.

Characters:

• Will McNamara (MC)
23, Blonde hair, blue eye, tattoo on side
A rich kid with a long history of bad decisions, an addictive personality, and the tendency to ruin everything he touches...but he’s trying to better himself. He has a bad memory and poor depth perception.
+Naturally flirtatious, compulsively plays with a coin

• Violet D'Amato
18, Light brown hair, matching eyes
A straightforward religious girl. Struggling with a weak immune system from a young age, she was never able to experience much of the world and thus has trouble connecting with people her own age. That being said, she’s very excited to have a chance at finally being out on her own.
+Very insecure about her youthful appearance, beautiful singing voice

• Rose O’Donovan
26, (Dyed) Deep red hair, dark eyes, half Korean
Stuck up and high maintenance but easily the most responsible of the group. She’s very intelligent and has a degree in journalism that she’s determined to put to good use… She holds little respect for authority figures or elders, and has no problem saying so.
+Can’t stand dogs, Very competitive, Loves Wine

• Lavender Sahin
24, Black hair, Hazel eyes, Turkish; tattoos on arms, hands, and back
An extremely friendly tomboy who dreams of fighting professionally. She's enthusiastic about life to the point that she can be difficult to keep up with but also has an aggressive sense of pride and a violent temper. She can be very impulsive but has the sense to apologize after the fact.
+Comes from a strict family, is secretly hiding a puppy in her room

• Iris Laine
20, Brown hair and dark eyes, Scorpion belly button piercing
A rude, salacious, brat who feeds on attention. Especially Will’s, if given the chance. She constantly pushes around her twin sister, Lily, and will openly insult other characters without a second thought, but who knows maybe there’s a silver lining.
+Swings high and low, smokes menthols

• Lily Abell
20, Brown hair and dark eyes, Rainbow bracelet and vial necklace
Iris’s demure sister who takes her constant put downs in stride, to the point that it almost doesn’t seem she processes them. Polite, but withdrawn, often off in her own world. She has obvious difficulty with people and crowds.
+Disappears sometimes, prefers not to be involved, vegan

Update: So when I first came here I had a different goal for what I wanted with this game. It was going to be really simple and I was already pretty far on it when I first posted here. Now that isn't the case. This project turned into something a lot bigger than I was expecting but I'm really excited with where it's going and fully intend to stay the course. It will probably take a long time though, since I'm still working alone.

Actual game stuff:
The designs have changed a bit since the art I have here now so I'll update it in a little. I think I've gotten everyone's designs finalized now but I haven't finished much of the official art since I can't seem to feel satisfied with it just yet.
>Outside of art I have enough scripted and coded for a demo of the opening chapter up until it branches into each girls routes. Past that I have a lot outlined but not nearly as much scripted yet.
I mentioned being able to switch girls partway through routes here before and I still intend to do something similar. The structure of the game as I'm working with it more might be a little weird but I like that. (Or it could turn out totally normal, who knows.)
The amount of horror, type of horror, amount of sex, amount of romance, etc. is all on a sliding scale depending on the girl so each route should have a significantly different feel if I do it correctly.


What it's looking like currently is:
5 main routes, one for each of the main girls. With one extra for the hidden love interest.
18 total endings. With one being "Final".
That being said, I'm not aiming for each route to be all that long in and of itself.

And as an unrelated note I'd still like to make sex scenes able to turn on/off, but I'm debating whether there should be a similar option to censor/turn off gore.


Questions: (edited a little)
Does it sound interesting?
What else could I add to or take away from the description here?
Do the characters sound interesting? Who sounds most/least interesting?
Would it be disappointing to have no sex scenes in a certain route?
Would it be disappointing to have a route or character with no possible happy ending?
Do the colors/designs look good? Better or worse with the redesigns?
Is there anything you think I should change?

[Zelan]

Does it sound interesting?: Decently interesting. I'm not freaking out in front of my computer the way I have for some other projects on here, but it's decently interesting and I'd download it if I saw it. I might even be willing to drop a few bucks on it, depending on the art and the word count.
What else could I add to the description here?: Explain how the other characters know each other. Were all of the girls friends before they found themselves in the garden, or are some of them meeting for the very first time? Did Will know some/all of them before?
Do the characters sound interesting?: Rose is probably the most interesting to me. A good deal of that interest comes from the fact that she has a degree in journalism, as writing is something that I'm interested in. The fact that she's older than the other characters also catches my interest. I'm curious about her position on authority figures - if I'm not mistaken, Korean culture places a good deal of emphasis on respecting elders and authority figures. It would be interesting to know whether her relationship with one or both of her parents is affected by these clashing ideals.
The other characters are a little unoriginal - "good" twin and "bad" twin, young and innocent sweetheart, academically challenged tomboy who likes to fight. (That last one in particular bothers me a bit.) If your story is interesting enough, though, and your characters have more to them than their blurbs, this isn't always a bad thing.
Would it be disappointing to have no sex scenes in a certain route?: For me personally, no, as I turn sex scenes off or censor them when I have the option. For others, I can imagine it would be very disappointing, especially if it was a person's favorite girl that didn't have a sex scene. If you choose to do this, you'll probably want to have a good reason NOT to include sex scenes for that route, and make it clear up-front which route is missing the sex scenes.
On the other hand, if what you mean is that all GIRLS will have sex scenes but not necessarily every ROUTE will have sex scenes, that would probably be fine.

[EppleBloom]

Thanks for the feedback! As it's a horror game I have a lot of trouble sorting out what details to reveal or not because of spoilers and I worry it probably sounds far less interesting here than it'll actually be... Part of me thinks this is just an idea thread so why not go into all the details, but the other part wants people to be able to play and enjoy it without knowing everything ahead of time even if they found it here. :/

Explain how the other characters know each other. Were all of the girls friends before they found themselves in the garden, or are some of them meeting for the very first time? Did Will know some/all of them before?

The girls have only known each other for a few weeks to a month prior to the start of the game and have been staying together in the mansion for about as long. Even the twins were raised apart and barely know more about each other than the rest of the group. They all came upon the opportunity from a mysterious add and are from various places around the country. Will doesn't know any of the girls beforehand, let alone anyone else in town. But some of them seem to know him...

The other characters are a little unoriginal - "good" twin and "bad" twin, young and innocent sweetheart, academically challenged tomboy who likes to fight. (That last one in particular bothers me a bit.) If your story is interesting enough, though, and your characters have more to them than their blurbs, this isn't always a bad thing.

They're meant to come across very simple at first and then gradually show different sides as the story goes on. Violet's sweet innocence especially is meant to clash with her route being probably the most horror heavy and second most difficult to navigate. How they're perceived also depends on the route and choices the players made. Though I would like to know why the tomboy bothers you?

On the other hand, if what you mean is that all GIRLS will have sex scenes but not necessarily every ROUTE will have sex scenes, that would probably be fine.

This is what I meant. Specifically in the more horror oriented routes it could be a little out of place and in the Iris->Violet switch route it might have bad implications given the situation.

[Zelan]

They're meant to come across very simple at first and then gradually show different sides as the story goes on. Violet's sweet innocence especially is meant to clash with her route being probably the most horror heavy and second most difficult to navigate. How they're perceived also depends on the route and choices the players made.

Okay, good to know. ^_^ This tends to be the case for a lot of the more unoriginal characters I see - after all, it's not a great idea to give away every twist before the game is even out. It's just a little tough to handle because it means you need to drum up interest through other means.

Though I would like to know why the tomboy bothers you?

She comes across as a very "brawny" character, and follows the trope that "physically strong people are dumb." It's a trope that I'm not at all fond of.
There IS a difference between "academically smart" and just plain "intelligent." Even if someone gets/got bad grades in school, they could still be intelligent; for example, they could be good at reading/understanding people, battlefield strategy, or they could even be good at some of the more academic subjects and just not really show that on standardized tests.
Having a character be brawny and "academically stupid," but still intelligent, is more forgivable to me than having a brawny character who never knows what's going on and always has to take orders from someone.

I hope that makes sense. :/ It's a bit rambly. If there's something you're not getting about my explanation, I can try to clarify it.

Specifically in the more horror oriented routes it could be a little out of place and in the Iris->Violet switch route it might have bad implications given the situation.

Wait, what are the implications in the Iris--> Violet switch route? (Did you mean the twin route? That's the only thing that I can think would have bad implications.)

I also forgot to mention this in my original reply, but the idea of switch routes is interesting. ^_^ It's going to be more work for you, but it'll probably be worthwhile if it's done well.

[gekiganwing]

I'm also AWFUL at naming things so if you have a better name suggestion please feel free to tell me.

Since it sounds like you plan to release the final product as freeware, don't worry too much about its title.

He'll be working in the garden of a distant family friend, in the remote southern town of Perfection, while she's off getting holistic treatment for a terminal illness... As it turns out, Miss Guerra is more than a little sour at the idea that she'll die without leaving an heir to her fortune.

It sounds like Miss Guerra is 1) offscreen during most of the story, and 2) an older woman who is at least two decades older than the other characters. An odd idea which I had...

What if she was one of the heroines? It's not every day that I see a May - December relationship in a video game.

... at least two routes have an extra "switch" ending where the player can choose to change girls part way. Plus there's an extra ending if you screw up too bad to have a chance with any of them.

If this is (at least partially) a horror story, then it would make sense for some of the endings to include deaths of major characters. Consider how thematically appropriate they might be. In other words, if the protagonist makes several poor choices, then he and/or other people might not survive. I recommend making sure that major events in the story aren't the result of insignificant or random events.

Would it be disappointing to have no sex scenes in a certain route?

In my opinion, no. If sex isn't a crucial part of the story, then I believe you will benefit by not including it. In other words, I believe you should avoid creating tacked-on or obligatory sex scenes.

During the early 2000s, I equated visual novels with porn-with-plot. This was a result of reading the few official translations available at the time, which were published by companies such as Peach Princess and G-Collections. Then I stumbled into the freeware and indie VN scene. Since 2011, I have barely read any adult VNs.

[EppleBloom]

@Zelan

Having a character be brawny and "academically stupid," but still intelligent, is more forgivable to me than having a brawny character who never knows what's going on and always has to take orders from someone.

I wouldn't put her as so unintelligent she needs to take orders from someone. If anything it's kind of a situation where she's "academically smart" but not particularly intelligent. As in she can't read a situation worth anything but has strong memorization skills and can rattle off information about medicine or dates and do difficult math in her head with little trouble. If that makes any sense?

Wait, what are the implications in the Iris--> Violet switch route? (Did you mean the twin route? That's the only thing that I can think would have bad implications.)

The twins' routes start from a common point but branch off in their own directions. (The twins are Iris and Lily) Without going into spoilers it's hard to explain but given who is left alive at the time and the fragile sanity of the MC by that point, it just comes across kind of bad. At least how I have it outlined as of now.

Also thanks! I thought it'd be an interesting idea since the girls would still be around. Doesn't make sense they'd all give up just because the player has decided on someone already. But yeah, definitely more work... So if I start burning out it's probably the first thing I'll drop.

and then @gekiganwing

Since it sounds like you plan to release the final product as freeware, don't worry too much about its title

It's free, but I still want it to be as good as possible. :/

It sounds like Miss Guerra is 1) offscreen during most of the story, and 2) an older woman who is at least two decades older than the other characters

Unfortunately the plot takes her out of the running, though I did actually have a May-December option planned at the start with a different character.
If I ever decide to go back and patch in an extra route it'll probably the first thing I add in and since the character still exists as a side character in the script it'll probably be pretty obvious who it would've been... Same for the unused gay option.

If this is (at least partially) a horror story, then it would make sense for some of the endings to include deaths of major characters. Consider how thematically appropriate they might be. In other words, if the protagonist makes several poor choices, then he and/or other people might not survive. I recommend making sure that major events in the story aren't the result of insignificant or random events.

This is really hard to respond to without getting into details but I'm going to try and keep this as vague as possible...

The majority of the romantic options die in each route and the one path that leaves everyone alive may not even make it into the final game. Bad ends often result in Will's death, but one actually leaves him as the last important character alive. Even side characters/towns people can die between different routes. One girl in particular dies immediately if you don't go down her route and it's dictated by two small choices.

As far as choices go, most of the game is based on a point system. Depending on your choices you get pluses or minuses and depending on the totals, your options change in different scenarios. In certain routes even the way certain scenes are depicted depend on your invisible totals.

One route in particular has three branches where the same basic story plays out but the way you see it differs. If your paranoia is too high, the horror aspects are ramped up, but if they're healthy or low you see things closer to how they really are. Another route is very investigative and a lot of the choices revolve around who to trust in different situations and who you choose and when changes significantly the answers you get and how you get them. If you aren't careful you can lock yourself into a bad ending, but I am trying to provide enough outs that you can jump ship if you play smart enough up until a certain point.

Not sure if that's vague enough so I'll spoiler it for now. If you think it's fine to show I can go back and change it after.

[Zelan]

I wouldn't put her as so unintelligent she needs to take orders from someone. If anything it's kind of a situation where she's "academically smart" but not particularly intelligent. As in she can't read a situation worth anything but has strong memorization skills and can rattle off information about medicine or dates and do difficult math in her head with little trouble. If that makes any sense?

Hmmm, okay. In that case, I don't have a problem with the character any more - in fact, she's much more interesting to me now (second after Rose). I thin the problem here is the word choice - I wouldn't use "not particularly intelligent" here. I'm not sure that there's one word you could use instead, but something like, "She has trouble thinking outside the box" or "She's not great at thinking on her feet."

Those really aren't quite right, either, but I can't think what would be better; all I know is that "intelligent" gives me exactly the wrong impression of her character. I'll think about it for a bit and get back to you if I can think of something.

(I love the sketches. Lavender's tattoos are nice - they remind me a bit of Piper's in A Foretold Affair.)

[EppleBloom]

Hmmm, okay. In that case, I don't have a problem with the character any more - in fact, she's much more interesting to me now (second after Rose). I thin the problem here is the word choice - I wouldn't use "not particularly intelligent" here. I'm not sure that there's one word you could use instead, but something like, "She has trouble thinking outside the box" or "She's not great at thinking on her feet."

I'm glad a little explaining makes her sound interesting but this definitely means I need to rewrite the bios... I'll probably do it when I add color roughs to the main post. Though I'm still not sure what wording to use. :/ Well, I have time to think about it at least... I can go into more detail about the horror and route specific stuff then too. I think I've been too cautious with what I say lol, but it's a learning experience.

And thanks! Her tattoos are actually inspired by a wrestler. I'm worried I may need to soften up her appearance a little. She doesn't look too masculine? I was also debating going for a cuter art style instead. Something more in line with current anime. What do you think?

[HeavyDevy-kun]

First off, I admire how you're trying for a realistic approach to things. One thing I might criticize, I know it's just a sketch but holy shiz, Violet looks like she's 5 years old. No where near 18. She looks young enough to still be having a babysitter and that babysitter is Chika, from Deardrops. - sorry dude, I couldn't resist. I wouldn't make her that short, perhaps the tip of her hair could be in line with Lavender's eye brow in that picture. It'll make her look a little bit more mature than that, but yet she'd still be the shortest character with a childish personality. It's on you though, that's just my opinion.

I'll try to help you out with some names. Names are never easy. You have to find something that clicks. These are just related words and synonyms that I got from the Thesaurus.com, Word Hippo and Google just off of the words Summer, Game and going off of your description. You also don't have to use the exact titles, maybe you can switch the words around and look for other related words.
~Summertide Ploy
~Greenhouse Gambit
~Solar Playoffs
~Summer Solstice Strategy
~Summer Fever Trials
~Summertime Spectator

Does it sound interesting? - Definitely picked my interest enough for me to give feedback and let me say, it's better than most of the projects I've seen on here. I love that you offer some seriousness within your story instead of just straight comedy. It's something different for a change. If I saw it on steam, I'd definitely give it a try. Maybe, the story could be expanded on just a little though. If you need ideas, you can come to me whenever.

What else could I add to the description here? - I've no idea; all on you bud. Maybe the theme or setting?

Do the characters sound interesting? - Your characters are unique and have a personality which is extremely important for visual novels. Be sure to add character development. Have each route contain it's own story. Just Violet is my pet peeve.

Would it be disappointing to have no sex scenes in a certain route? - I really don't care. Don't trust me on this though, it's complicated. I'm guessing most other people would be disappointed. To me, it's just another love scene. Too add, I am disappointed that this is just another short thing -_-. I'd play it nonetheless.

That's all I got, cheers!

[Zelan]

And thanks! Her tattoos are actually inspired by a wrestler. I'm worried I may need to soften up her appearance a little. She doesn't look too masculine? I was also debating going for a cuter art style instead. Something more in line with current anime. What do you think?

I think her face structure is feminine enough that she doesn't look too masculine. Plus she's got boobs. So, y'know. cx I generally don't mind characters who look more androgynous, anyway.

If it bothers you or others that much, you could probably make her hair a little longer (like shoulder length, maybe?) but personally I don't think it's necessary. :]

A cute art style might be weird for a horror game, but NomNomNami did it for KAIMA so it can be done, I guess. I like the current art style a lot, though.

[EppleBloom]

Violet looks like she's 5 years old. No where near 18.

Yikes, I didn't think she looked that young. I'll mess with her design a bit and see what I can do... Problem is she needs to remain a similar size to Dahlia who is significantly younger than the main cast. And she loses the creepy child appeal if she looks too close to her actual age, yeah?

Summertide Ploy

The script has a lot of water and nature themes so I like the "tide" part... I'm going to start thinking more in that direction.

Maybe, the story could be expanded on just a little though. Maybe the theme or setting?

Yeah, I think I tried to keep too much to myself about it in the initial post. I'll go back and edit it when I finish the color roughs, but for now I can go into detail here.

The setting is a small city somewhere in the American south/rural Texas called "Perfection" and the time period is between the late 90's and early 00's. It's hot as hell, dry, dusty and generally unpleasant. The city itself is old fashioned looking and draws tourists from all around once a year for a huge fair. Some years back a few kids went missing during it, though the body of one turned up later in a suitcase floating down the river... There was a lengthy investigation but nothing came of it. The mansion the main characters stay in is about thirty minutes out, down a long dirt road, with scattered other rich houses on large plots of land. The outside is a dry prairie that sways in the wind like the ocean tide and adjacent to it is a large greenhouse.

The story varies significantly from girl to girl but there are lingering elements of creepiness in the town and hints towards the murders and other mysterious happenings there regardless. There's a lot of "people know you but you don't know them" and "ominous strangers staring, laughing, and whispering about you" type atmospheres in town. And the most important townsperson is probably the BBQ owner "Paw". Who is various levels of suspicious and intimidating between routes and may or may not hold all the answers...

Violet's route has heavy religious themes and is focused on more paranormal horror. It also holds a lot of backstory details the other girls don't even touch on.
Rose's route is focused more on investigation and finding physical answers to the seemingly paranormal problems. A lot of choices focus on who you choose to trust in what situations and the story details you find out are varyingly reliable because of it.
The twins' routes are a different kind of dark and focus more on survival. Iris's specifically is an endurance test for multiple reasons... Rose, Violet, and Iris's routes are all very involved with each other and the switches are Rose-Iris and Iris-Violet., based on who you choose to trust.
And then Lavender I can't really say much about but there is a possible switch from her to Lily.

I hope this helps. Still sounds interesting?

Definitely picked my interest enough for me to give feedback and let me say, it's better than most of the projects I've seen on here. I love that you offer some seriousness within your story instead of just straight comedy. Too add, I am disappointed that this is just another short thing

Not too short, hopefully. I'm glad it interested you! Looking through the board, it does feel a little out of place, so I'm glad it's a "good" different.

And then @Zelan

A cute art style might be weird for a horror game, but NomNomNami did it for KAIMA so it can be done, I guess. I like the current art style a lot, though.

I LOVE NomNomNami. Good god. Higurashi also has a cutesy art style while being horror. But I'm glad you like the current style. It probably fits much better with the tone and subject matter too.

[EppleBloom]

A quick update with some side characters! I also changed the first post a little and added color roughs for the main characters. Currently messing with their poses, expressions, and outfits. Lily's route specifically needs significant rewrites and Lavender's needs to be fleshed out more. Violet's needs some dialogue fixes but is overall the closest to being finished, followed by Rose and Iris.

Narcy Guerra, Angelica Perez, Belle Walker,
Zinnia Castillo, Poppy "Pa" Sutherland, Blue Harris, Maggie Walker:
Sherif Reed, City detective Fernan, and I think that's all who's pertinent.

As a side note, I'm now back to having two jobs so progress may be a bit slow. Any comments or critiques are greatly welcome.

Edited this post down after the fact because it was big and outdated. Looking through most of my previous responses here, as opposed to the amount of work I've done months later and a lot has changed...

[Zelan]

Pupperrrrr! <3

Does the town seem interesting?
Oh, definitely. Now that you've added all of these wacky characters, I'm struggling to even imagine a day in this town that wouldn't be interesting.

Should I add more important characters to it?/Is it missing anything?
I don't think so - you've got 5 romanceable characters plus 11 side characters. That's more characters than some VNs even HAVE, total.

Should I add a bit in the description about the possible existence of witches, ghosts, demons, and a cult? Even if one or more are route specific?
If you think it's a good idea, but the air of mystery surrounding the synopsis is sort of what pulls me in. Giving away more plot information might ruin that.

Anything else I should add?
Not that I can think of! c:

Lavender and Iris have my favorite designs. Also, it's somehow only just now hitting me that all of the girls have flower names. *facepalm* For some reason, I noticed it with the twins, but no one else - maybe I was thinking of the colors instead of the plants? Anyway, nice touch! ^_^

[EppleBloom]

I want to update about my progress on the game since there's been a lot but it's all script/story stuff so... I'm definitely going to switch up the art style though. At least a little. I'm sure I need more detailed/expressive eyes but further than that, we'll see. I was thinking even something akin to the art style of "Euphoria" so softer and a bit "moe" but that makes the characters look significantly younger which is a problem if I'm aiming for an adult look. Will could also use a better design and I'm not 100% on Rose's clothing.

And hey, I have a name! So that's a step. Plus full outlines for both Rose and Violet's routes (With 3 and 2 endings respectively). Though I may need to mess with the order of events when I'm done with the other girls' for consistency's sake. The twins are also nearly done but I worry they may be a little redundant. Which is probably par for the course with characters that rely so heavily on each other. I don't want to condense them into one route but I am considering it... That or scrapping what I have for one of them completely and starting over. As for the actual script I'm pretty close to enough for demo. I worry about the tone and need to get the visuals started before I make one, though.

Moving forward, my biggest priority for now is deciding on a style and then doing some serious art in it. I may put up some samples here as a test later... Any opinions are still super welcome. Especially on the art.

[Zelan]

I'm glad to hear that lots of progress has been made! ^_^

An art style that makes your characters look younger might be problematic, but I think there's no way to tell for sure until we can see it and pass judgement.