Confessions of a Drifter

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Marmoon
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Confessions of a Drifter

#1 Post by Marmoon » Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:53 am

Update 2017/03/21: The blurb will get revised based on your feedback! Previous versions will be at the end of this post.
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Hi Guys,

I have written a short story (10-15k slice of life), and suddenly realised I haven't thought if the premise is good enough! That is why I am mulling in a smack-in-the-face moment and wondering what was I doing with my past two months.

Here's a blurb for the short story:
On a warm Sunday evening, Haley walked down the aisle as the whole clan came alive to celebrate yet another happily ever after. Everything was perfect, except it was not her wedding and the groom was her ex-boyfriend Nic. As she survives the day her ex gets married, she reflects on the bittersweet moments they shared. Every memory that surfaced posed more questions for herself and for Nic. Was Haley too rash in her decisions back then? After eight long years of being apart, does she still have feelings for him?

About the characters...
Eight years ago, Haley is a very straight-laced person who comes from a protective family. Like a frog at the bottom of a well, she's not familiar with the ways of the world and loathes herself for being spoilt. She desires to find her own place in this world – her own voice. When she gets excited, you could hear her laughter from the next room.

Nic is humble even though he's got the street smarts and maturity beyond his age, earned the hard way. He is laid back but thinks ahead, and loves pampering Haley. His love for junk food is unhealthy, as is his obsession to make others eat them. Nic loves cracking lame jokes, and Haley laughs at the lamest of them.
1) Are you interested in the premise? If not, how do you think it can be revved up?
2) Are you interested in the character?
3) Do you think the blurb can be improved? Any suggestions welcomed!
4) Are you interested to be a beta reader of this short story?

Thanks!
-Marmoon
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Previous Versions:
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Last edited by Marmoon on Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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indoneko
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Re: Confessions of a Drifter

#2 Post by indoneko » Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:46 am

What was the conflict, actually? She's in doubt, but I don't see any reason why she's in doubt (at least not from the blurb). The characters are still too generic to gain my interest; You might want to add something unique to each of them.
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Re: Confessions of a Drifter

#3 Post by Marmoon » Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:05 am

indoneko wrote:What was the conflict, actually? She's in doubt, but I don't see any reason why she's in doubt (at least not from the blurb). The characters are still too generic to gain my interest; You might want to add something unique to each of them.
Thanks for your feedback!! :)

The reason she's in doubt
Truth is: there is a twist in the novel (which I'm not sure if I should just reveal it from the start)
She breaks up with him. Or maybe I should just leave the reason of their break up as suspense? I'm not sure if it's suspense-worthy though.
The reason of break up is her inner conflict
Characters too generic
Very true, I never added any defining characteristics in the blurb.
Haley is a very straight-laced person who comes from a protective family. She's not familiar with the ways of the world and hates herself for being semi-spoilt. When she gets excited, she speaks very loudly, often unaware of her surroundings. Nic is humble even though he's got the street smarts and maturity beyond his age, earned the hard way. He is laid back but thinks ahead, and loves pampering Haley. His love for junk food is unhealthy, as is his obsession to make others eat them. Why were they best friends? Nic loves cracking lame jokes, and Haley laughs at the lamest of them.

Let me know what you think!

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Re: Confessions of a Drifter

#4 Post by Zelan » Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:27 pm

I'm mostly interested in the premise just because a lot of visual novels focus on people jut getting together, and not on people who have already been together for a long time. Your characters sound cute and I'd like to see how they interact with one another.

Blurbs that don't explain too much or too little are very, very hard to write. Yours is decently interesting but not super attention-grabbing; I think it is probably most effective for people who like the slice-of-life genre but probably won't catch the attention of people who are fans of, say, sci-fi. You could benefit by adding the character information from your reply to indoneko to your first post. c:

I'd be interested in beta reading, but I wouldn't be able to do it until April, when NaNoRenO is over. c:

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Re: Confessions of a Drifter

#5 Post by indoneko » Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:07 pm

Marmoon wrote:
She breaks up with him.
That's.... quite a spoiler... :lol:
I wonder where your story timeline is. Does your story start around the time they were going to tie the knot, or is it far earlier? (like... when they're still in grade school, and then fast forwarded to present time). Or maybe it's right after the break up? (the story focused more on the justification of the girl's decision instead of telling the pitiful tragedy of a love couple)
Or maybe I should just leave the reason of their break up as suspense? I'm not sure if it's suspense-worthy though.
Which PoV are you going to use in this story?
If it's 1st person PoV from the girl side, then the reader would know what she's thinking (including the reason why she had chosen to break up the relationship)..... right?
The reason of break up is her inner conflict
And my original question is still unanswered. What's the reason she has doubt? What's the (inner) conflict?
Haley is a very straight-laced person who comes from a protective family. She's not familiar with the ways of the world and hates herself for being semi-spoilt. When she gets excited, she speaks very loudly, often unaware of her surroundings. Nic is humble even though he's got the street smarts and maturity beyond his age, earned the hard way. He is laid back but thinks ahead, and loves pampering Haley. His love for junk food is unhealthy, as is his obsession to make others eat them. Why were they best friends? Nic loves cracking lame jokes, and Haley laughs at the lamest of them.
Ok, this is much better. Nic seems very likeable. I'm curious to see the difference on how they interact before and after the break up....
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Re: Confessions of a Drifter

#6 Post by Marmoon » Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:40 am

@Zelan: Thanks for the feedback! I've revised the blurb based on your suggestions, but the [not attention grabbing part] still baffles me. May need to ruminate on that a bit more...
Zelan wrote:I'd be interested in beta reading, but I wouldn't be able to do it until April, when NaNoRenO is over. c:
Sounds awesome! My script's flesh is done, I just want to add a scene and some final touches, hopefully that's about the time when you're free!
@indoneko: Thanks for your pointers! You really make me think hard... (which is a good thing)
indoneko wrote:I wonder where your story timeline is.
Present = Wedding. The story will follow a sparkline flow.
indoneko wrote:Which PoV are you going to use in this story?
POV = girl. Yes, the reader will find out the reason for their break up.
indoneko wrote:What's the (inner) conflict?
That's a secret for now ;) It may not be big bang drama sort of conflict, but it's a conflict personal to Haley's situation eight years ago (P.S. blurb modified).
indoneko wrote:Nic seems very likeable. I'm curious to see the difference on how they interact before and after the break up....
:lol: You have no idea how happy I am to know Nic is likeable!! * Jumps in joy and remains wide-eyed in the middle of the night*

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