Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

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Circe2300
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Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#1 Post by Circe2300 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:49 pm

I've had an idea for a game on my mind for ages now, and I've just not been sure whether I'd want to do this or if I'd be able to make this happen. I have a general idea of the characters in this story and the environment, as well as an idea for the plot. So, today I sat down and decided to type a bit up and see where it takes me.

Opening:
The girl wandered for ages. Or what seemed like ages. It was difficult to tell. She was quite terribly confused. This place was quite unlike anywhere she had been in her entire life. The grass glowed an eerie green, the trees a deep violet with emerald leaves. It was ethereal. Horrifically beautiful. The luminescent flowers released a sickly sweet scent that permeated the air around her. Like lavender and vanilla. She almost didn’t want to return home. It was unnervingly quiet here. No birds, no bugs, not even the quiet whistle of the wind through the tree branches. No rustling of leaves. The only sounds were her soft footsteps through the underbrush. There was a building around here somewhere. One that she had spotted from atop the grassy crest of a large hill. One far behind her. She hoped to find the building soon, perhaps its inhabitants might provide some assistance?

I figure it would be a relatively short game about the girl, the main character, trying to find her way home from this seemingly magical world. With perhaps the aid/hindrance of the other characters. But I feel like it's a generic plot that might be a bit overused. Could I have some feedback on whether or not this is a good idea? (And whether or not what I have so far sounds alright, of course.) Thank you.

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Re: Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#2 Post by Mammon » Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:41 pm

There are two quotes that are quite common for this forum that apply here:
-There is no such thing as an original story any more, everything has been done before.
-Every and any story can be good if it works.

So when you ask the question 'Can this story work?' the answer will almost always be 'Yes, if you put your effort into it.'
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Re: Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#3 Post by indoneko » Thu Mar 30, 2017 7:38 pm

That scene reminds me of the spirit world where the protagonist in "Clannad" was taken to before he was returned to the real world.

I don't know about your story plot yet so I can't really comment about it... but I think it would be interesting to learn how your protagonist is finding her own way home (and able to choose whether to stay or leave) instead of being teleported-back forcefully against her will...
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Re: Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#4 Post by Sonomi » Thu Apr 06, 2017 8:44 pm

I feel a short to medium length visual novel with this premise could absolutely work. As far as clichés go, I don't think it is one. Please don't take anything I say too seriously, because the only stories I've written to completion were for my creative writing class.

So. First of all, what I saw in your excerpt was a very nice selection of imagery. To be quite honest I could certainly hear and see everything you described thus far. Great work on that!

I didn't get a sense of the girl's personality or the reasons behind her predicament. Of course, this is a first draft so those details more than likely haven't been carved in stone quite yet, but as a reader I would be interested in learning about who the main character is (magic powers? human?) and how she found herself in this world.

Perhaps it was on accident. If you are familiar with Narnia, the children in that story stumbled upon the wardrobe and discovered a whole new world after entering it. Or maybe there's a magic door in the house her family just moved into. On another note, perhaps she's "chosen" by someone who lives there and is brought to the world to fulfill some duty in a prophesy.

Well...if you go the final route there, it's going to take A LOT more work to make it less cliché because I do see chosen one stories enough to not really take interest in them at first glance. But that all depends on execution, as Mammon explained!

The point is, there should be a solid reason as to why she is in another world and it need not be grand. Really, it could just be a mistake on her part. I could totally get behind a story that's just about her exploring the world to learn more and perhaps find a way home if there's a reason to.

That brings me to the next thing I'd like to know as the reader. Who is she and why does she want to go home? It might sound redundant to say this, but I would like to see a reason outside of this not being her world so have to go back. Give her a drive, a purpose. And again, it can be as simple or complex as you please! Instead of saying "Alice wants to go home" as her goal, I would prefer "Alice wants to go home because she has a test to take tomorrow", "Alice wants to go home because she misses her parents", or pretty much any because clause to explain her reasoning.

That is essentially what I have, in terms of feedback. I very much hope you found some part of it useful!
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Re: Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#5 Post by Taleweaver » Fri Apr 07, 2017 6:42 am

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Re: Feedback Please? (I wasn't sure where to put this)

#6 Post by Circe2300 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:48 pm

Mammon wrote:There are two quotes that are quite common for this forum that apply here:
-There is no such thing as an original story any more, everything has been done before.
-Every and any story can be good if it works.

So when you ask the question 'Can this story work?' the answer will almost always be 'Yes, if you put your effort into it.'
That's a very good point. Everything's been done before and originality is pretty much dead. Ah, one can only dream. It's good to hear that if I try hard enough I could probably make it work though!
indoneko wrote:That scene reminds me of the spirit world where the protagonist in "Clannad" was taken to before he was returned to the real world.

I don't know about your story plot yet so I can't really comment about it... but I think it would be interesting to learn how your protagonist is finding her own way home (and able to choose whether to stay or leave) instead of being teleported-back forcefully against her will...
While I've heard a bit about it, I've yet to actually play Clannad. As for the plot, I myself am not entirely positive on which direction to take it. I have some ideas, but nothing definite.
Sonomi wrote:I feel a short to medium length visual novel with this premise could absolutely work. As far as clichés go, I don't think it is one. Please don't take anything I say too seriously, because the only stories I've written to completion were for my creative writing class.

So. First of all, what I saw in your excerpt was a very nice selection of imagery. To be quite honest I could certainly hear and see everything you described thus far. Great work on that!

I didn't get a sense of the girl's personality or the reasons behind her predicament. Of course, this is a first draft so those details more than likely haven't been carved in stone quite yet, but as a reader I would be interested in learning about who the main character is (magic powers? human?) and how she found herself in this world.

Perhaps it was on accident. If you are familiar with Narnia, the children in that story stumbled upon the wardrobe and discovered a whole new world after entering it. Or maybe there's a magic door in the house her family just moved into. On another note, perhaps she's "chosen" by someone who lives there and is brought to the world to fulfill some duty in a prophesy.

Well...if you go the final route there, it's going to take A LOT more work to make it less cliché because I do see chosen one stories enough to not really take interest in them at first glance. But that all depends on execution, as Mammon explained!

The point is, there should be a solid reason as to why she is in another world and it need not be grand. Really, it could just be a mistake on her part. I could totally get behind a story that's just about her exploring the world to learn more and perhaps find a way home if there's a reason to.

That brings me to the next thing I'd like to know as the reader. Who is she and why does she want to go home? It might sound redundant to say this, but I would like to see a reason outside of this not being her world so have to go back. Give her a drive, a purpose. And again, it can be as simple or complex as you please! Instead of saying "Alice wants to go home" as her goal, I would prefer "Alice wants to go home because she has a test to take tomorrow", "Alice wants to go home because she misses her parents", or pretty much any because clause to explain her reasoning.

That is essentially what I have, in terms of feedback. I very much hope you found some part of it useful!
The idea I was going for is that she's an interloper. A being that has no purpose in the world where she found herself trapped. She definitely didn't intend on arriving there, I'd like to have it mentioned early on that she had been walking in a park only for darkness to set in and her to find herself in the Other World. Like a rift opening into a parallel universe that she stumbled upon. I wanted to write her as being enchanted by this strange world at first. Then growing to yearn for home for reasons that I'd like to change based on the route the player takes.

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