Premonition, Critique Welcome

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Westeford
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Premonition, Critique Welcome

#1 Post by Westeford » Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:17 am

I've been hesitating to share my idea, I kept thinking that everyone would say it's stupid. But whatever.

The setting of Premonition takes place in the not so distant future. A computer virus has taken over the world, the robot uprising has happened. Humanity is nearing extinction. The only hope left lies in the last human colony, Zion. Five years has passed since the war started. No one has left the protection of Zion.
The story is told from the point of view of a more recent citizen, an 18-year-old boy named Bryce. He's a very shy and socially inept person, but he's also very intelligent, skilled, and mysterious. In Bryce's new life, he attends Zion University, a school that teaches students of all ages and grades. Bryce passed the entrance exam and is able to learn at a university level. He attends class with four other students, each specialize in key roles in Zion. A mechanic, a programmer, a doctor, and a detective. He doesn't know much about his classmates, other than their names. He's shy and a bit intimidated (Among other things.)

After a few in game days, he returns to his dorm. He notices that one of his classmates' dorm room doors are open. He peeks inside and notices that his classmate is unconcious. He gets closer and realizes that she's not moving, and that she's bleeding from her gut. He instinctively checks her wrist, but it only confirms what he already knows, she's dead. In that moment, Bryce loses all of his senses, then he wakes up in his bed feeling like he was punched in his heart. He goes to class that day, and quickly realizes that he's reliving the previous day. He decides to use this opportunity to redo certain things. Mainly, preventing his classmate's murder. Which he succeeds.

In the second chapter, Bryce begins his internship. University students in Zion are taught for a few hours in the classroom, then they work in the field that they're interested in. Once they graduate, they take the Division Exam which determines which division they'll be assigned to. Each weekday, the player picks which division they'll work in. This expands upon Bryce's Classmates' stories. (Think the confidants in Persona 5.)

Each chapter after that follows a "Case of the week" pattern. He spends a few days going to class, then working at an internship. World building stuff. Then somehow Bryce discovers a body of a classmate or someone else, then he touches their hand and rewinds time, he then relives that day until he prevents their death...usually. Each chapter revolves around a theme related to the game's world. Things like the government, the employment, education, emotional stress, the homicidal robots bent on the destruction of humanity, etc. Each chapter also expands on Bryce's backstory, as well as his development. From a shy awkward person to a...less awkward person. Each chapter also involves at least one of his classmates.

I'm not too sure what the genre could be. There's drama, mystery, thriller, some comedy, some slice of life, action, romance.
So anyway, this's the story I've been working on for almost a year. Let me know what you think of this. Ask questions, I'll try answering them the best I can. Honesty is very welcome. One of my biggest issues when writing this is I'm not sure where I want to begin. I'm like on a road trip with a destination in mind, but I don't know where I begin.
Have a nice day, thank you.

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Re: Premonition, Critique Welcome

#2 Post by gekiganwing » Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm

Westeford wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:17 am
A computer virus has taken over the world, the robot uprising has happened. Humanity is nearing extinction.
This sounds a lot like a world-famous movie franchise. That said, think about whether you'll benefit by changing your premise.
Westeford wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:17 am
The only hope left lies in the last human colony, Zion.
When I saw that description, I thought about another well-known movie franchise right away. Think about whether you'll benefit by giving your setting another name.
Westeford wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:17 am
Each chapter after that follows a "Case of the week" pattern. ...Bryce discovers a body of a classmate or someone else, then he touches their hand and rewinds time, he then relives that day until he prevents their death...usually. Each chapter revolves around a theme related to the game's world. Things like the government, the employment, education, emotional stress, the homicidal robots bent on the destruction of humanity, etc. Each chapter also expands on Bryce's backstory, as well as his development. From a shy awkward person to a...less awkward person. Each chapter also involves at least one of his classmates.
Something that I've said before: be careful with your story's scope. Commit to writing only as much as you can handle. If you don't have much writing experience, then you may wish to write only one event before continuing. In other words, think about telling about how Bryce relives a day until he prevents one person's death. Once that's done, ask for feedback.
Westeford wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:17 am
One of my biggest issues when writing this is I'm not sure where I want to begin.
I know what that's like. I've heard writing advice such as "start as close to the action / conflict as possible," though sometimes I've had trouble figuring out what my story's central conflict will be.

Think about where your story could begin. I think it should be an event where the characters are -- or become -- proactive. Find a middle ground between the extremes of "too slow" (an uneventful, rambling conversation) and "too fast" (a chaotic battle in which few people are identified).

Think about how your story might end. Maybe you want there to be a battle between people and machines. If that is your goal, then consider how you will build up to it. Write at least a couple drafts of your ending.

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Re: Premonition, Critique Welcome

#3 Post by Westeford » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:58 pm

gekiganwing wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm
This sounds a lot like a world-famous movie franchise. That said, think about whether you'll benefit by changing your premise.
I expected the Terminator comparisons. I wanted to explore themes of technology. Things like the growing dependency on technology and automated processes. Most of the robots are not humanoid. (I always wondered why most evil robots are designed to be humanoid. I never thought that humanoid robots had any kind of advantage compared to what current military robots are like)
gekiganwing wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm
When I saw that description, I thought about another well-known movie franchise right away. Think about whether you'll benefit by giving your setting another name.
I can't believe I missed that. I didn't realize that name was used in the Matrix. And here I thought I was being clever. lol. I'll definitely change that.
gekiganwing wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm
Something that I've said before: be careful with your story's scope. Commit to writing only as much as you can handle. If you don't have much writing experience, then you may wish to write only one event before continuing. In other words, think about telling about how Bryce relives a day until he prevents one person's death. Once that's done, ask for feedback.
That's definititly worth considering.
Maybe Bryce's opening scenes could show him preventing a person's death. Leaving the player wondering how he did it. Sounds a bit better than what I originally planned.
gekiganwing wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm
Think about where your story could begin. I think it should be an event where the characters are -- or become -- proactive. Find a middle ground between the extremes of "too slow" (an uneventful, rambling conversation) and "too fast" (a chaotic battle in which few people are identified).
I was thinking of opening with a flashback. Showcasing how the apocalypse happened, without going into the specifics. Followed by a time lapse that sets up the setting.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "an event where the characters are or become proactive." Could you elaborate? My immediate first thought after reading that is a flash forward or a "How we got here" scene.
gekiganwing wrote:
Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:26 pm
Think about how your story might end. Maybe you want there to be a battle between people and machines. If that is your goal, then consider how you will build up to it. Write at least a couple drafts of your ending.
A battle between people and machines could be interesting, but a bit predictable.

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