WiP: The Children of Elements (COMPLETED DEMO)

[xBreeze]

Hi guys, I'm back again. I worked on this VN about 8 months ago and then dropped it, because I had a lot of real life stuff to deal with. This time I'm back for good and I've been working on my VN the past few days and completely redid it.

I'm not sure if I should make a new post for this, but the other post is long dead and this is completely different from my old one.

Major changes include:
Isabel was renamed to Samantha
Zack was renamed to Maxwell
Screen effects were added
Completely different music
Completely different timing in the storyline

Anyways, I am still looking for someone to draw the characters for me. I am also thinking about looking for someone to draw backgrounds for me. I really want someone who can draw the characters though, so if you can show me some sample drawing I'll take a look and hopefully I will like your style.

I have the full storyline written, so I don't need help with that. I am a self proof reader and I have some friends which are also proof reading for me. I just need someone who can draw, but all of you are welcome to check out my demo and give me your thoughts on it.

Title:
The Children of Elements

Length:
A few days (Completed)
Demo (Two hours at the most)

Characters:
Kyle
Ken
Samantha
Lily
Anna
Maxwell
(Others not mentioned)

Plot:
Kyle and Ken are best friends who spend their time sparring, going to school, eating, and sleeping. They are friends with the student council president Samantha who is the person every delinquents fears and Lily the crazy, ditsy girl that can be abusive. One day they all meet after school and decide to hang out...and everything changed from there.

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Edits:

01/02/2010
1) Added new sound effects
2) Fixed grammar and spelling errors
3) Lengthened demo
4) Changed some of the storyline
5) Completed demo
6) Included Characters Theme Music in the Demo Pack

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Download links:
Megaupload

[A Terrible Rabbit]

I'm downloading your demo, because I can see just from the file size that there's a lot of effort in this one.

I'm not really sure if I can help with the sprites, but out of curiosity, how many do you need for each character?

[xBreeze]

Yeah, it's over 80 MB now. Lol. I'm working on it still.

I would need a few for each character. There's also another "form" of each character, but I don't want to spoil too much for newcomers. So, I would need quite a few sprites for each character and then their other "form".

[JinzouTamashii]

I worked on this VN about 8 months ago and then dropped it, because I had a lot of real life stuff to deal with.

This is unavoidable, IMHO. Don't kick yourself over it.

IRL > Digital Life.

You know what they say... get a First Life before you get a Second Life...

[xBreeze]

Yeah, and this past week my internet has been down. I have it back up now and the download link includes the demo for each version. Windows, Linux and Mac. It also includes each characters' theme music. Anyways, any feedback on how the novel is would be nice. Although, I cut a lot out of the actual novel, because I don't have another backgrounds and the character sprites to use everything I have. So, if there's an artist out there that's willing to help on a project, I'd happily accept you. Just PM me one or two of your sample works and if your style is something I like, then I'd be happy to let you in on this visual novel.

[A Terrible Rabbit]

I'll give you some thoughts :3 Shoulda done that earlier, sorry.

Two things I would do would be to speed up the default text-speed, and pay more attention to the music choices. The music is really excited and energetic, even when nothing exciting is happening.

But onto the story~
I think the story needs a little work, even some more trimming down. Why not start with the dream sequence itself? It's best to start these sorts of things right when the action is beginning. Also, I was having some trouble suspending my belief when the

elemental powers and the upstairs full of weapons and battles came into play. I think it would help if you clearly defined the world rules at the beginning, because until then everything seemed like it was ordinary, but the characters clearly knew they were living in extraordinary times.

Also, where are the parents all at?

I have to say it didn't hold my interest to finish it, but this is a popular genre, so someone else will likely have a different opinion. :3 hope that's helpful.

[xBreeze]

Two things I would do would be to speed up the default text-speed, and pay more attention to the music choices. The music is really excited and energetic, even when nothing exciting is happening.

Well, text speed can be changed in the options, so I left it alone. The reader can put it to what they want. The music isn't really about what is happen it's the general mood of the story.

I think the story needs a little work, even some more trimming down. Why not start with the dream sequence itself? It's best to start these sorts of things right when the action is beginning. Also, I was having some trouble suspending my belief when the

elemental powers and the upstairs full of weapons and battles came into play. I think it would help if you clearly defined the world rules at the beginning, because until then everything seemed like it was ordinary, but the characters clearly knew they were living in extraordinary times.

I know that it needs more trimming, but I'm a bit stuck with that. I've trimmed out a lot already and if I continued to do so it'd be almost a completely different story. That demo is actually only 3% of the whole storyline. The original demo I had planned was suppose to be at least 10%.

What we believe would be extraordinary would be normal for them. Magic and the likes would not really surprise them like it would to us, but hey it's a game. We're the ones that are suppose to be surprised more than the characters.

Also, where are the parents all at?

Indeed, I wonder about where they are in a lot of animes and RPG games. Other things as well. Just going with the flow.

I have to say it didn't hold my interest to finish it, but this is a popular genre, so someone else will likely have a different opinion. :3 hope that's helpful.

Thanks for the feedback.

[gekiganwing]

Hey xBreeze, I tried your demo yesterday (OS X version). Here's my thoughts so far.

This is shaping up to become a combat-heavy story, with lots of supernatural powers. Since there was a big emphasis on elemental powers, the story reminded me of Flame of Recca. (I still have that series on VHS fansubs...)

The heroic characters are introduced quickly, so it's tough to get a good sense of who they are. Kyle and Ken spar a lot (BL overtones). Anna has a gun. But I had a lot of trouble distinguishing Lily and Samantha. It's not bad to focus on action, but if there aren't many character-establishing moments, then the cast won't leave much of an impression.

An entire school was destroyed after the fight with Maxwell. It doesn't seem like *anyone* notices! That sort of silly over the top destruction is common in some of Rumiko Takahashi's less plot driven works. But it was kind of distracting.

Where is your story taking place? School roofs and bento boxes are mentioned, but aside from that, the story doesn't *appear* to be happening in Japan...

I instantly recognized several of the music tracks from Persona 4. In fact, I started wondering if Maxwell was secretly working for P4's main villains.

This project has potential, but I'm not sure how it could be improved. If I rewrote this game, here's what I would consider doing:

1. Set it in an alternate or fantastic world. Maybe one in which the audience knows from the beginning that a select number of people have supernatural powers.

2. Slow down the plot a bit -- create a few scenes in which just two characters interact, so that the audience knows who they are.

...Hopefully this doesn't sound too negative...

[xBreeze]

Thanks. I'll be working on it next month, since I have finals coming up...sadly my birthday is in the middle of them. Anyways, looking for more feedback to help me out and still need an artist. >_<