Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

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Julie
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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#16 Post by Julie » Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:15 am

I think the whole concept is very interesting. I am not usually that inclined to play BxG games but I think this one deserves a chance. I love the personalities of the girls and the main guy so I am definitely looking out for this one. I just HOPE that this doesn't include any unnecessary "hentai" or I might give up on it. xD Good luck with your game! ^^

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#17 Post by LondonIvy » Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:19 am

Thanks. I'm glad to know I have some support. :D

No, no hentai. Nothing even close to it. The project is strictly within PG-PG13 bounds.

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#18 Post by Julie » Fri Feb 18, 2011 3:27 am

That's good. Then you have have my full support. ^^ If you ever need some more proofreaders, I'm available for the job. ^^

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#19 Post by LondonIvy » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:43 pm

I just typed up 40,484 words of script in a day. MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE. DX And the worst part? All those words are for Lucy's route ALONE. The good new is that Lucy's route is finished. The bad news is that I still have to do full routes for Madelyn, Rose and Emily, a semi-friendship route with Louis and an ending for the Queen in addition to various misc. endings. HOWEVER, now that the story idea is solidified, the other routes should be much easier to write than Lucy's.

How did that thing make it to 40,484 words anyway? *bangs head on keyboard*

I went ahead and sent that part of the script along to Yu so she could continue with the art.

If any of my proofreaders are still interested (or new proofreaders are interested, for that matter), then please PM me telling me you are interested and giving me your email address so I can send the script to you. Ideally, I would like to have one proofreader do each route since each route is obviously going to be way too long and it's simply not feasible for any one person to proofread the entire game. If anyone has any preference to proofread a certain route then let me know.

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#20 Post by Julie » Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:17 am

As much as I'd like to proofread for this, I am too interested in the story to risk spoiling myself by editing your work. xD I would suggest you post a topic in the Recruitment thread and I'm sure you will find some people who will be willing to proofread for you. ^^ Good luck!

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress&Recruitmen

#21 Post by LondonIvy » Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:48 pm

Thanks! I think I've found some proofreaders, but when I have more script and need more proofreaders, I'll surely follow your suggestion.

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#22 Post by LondonIvy » Sun Feb 20, 2011 5:10 am

First, I would like to thank all the proofreaders who have volunteered. When I finish up writing the new routes (which will be very soon), I’ll send the script on by.



Several Notes:

  • Rose is no longer leader of the Mafia. That’s been scrapped in the story-writing process. I’m not pretending this isn’t similar to HNKNA, but that simply makes it TOO similar. Instead, she is in-charge of the financial and technical side of the Queen’s prison. That also makes the story tighter and gets rid of an extraneous element.

    Adam has a choice of two places of stay: with Rose or Lucy. Where he stays opens up different routes. If he stays with Rose this opens up Madelyn’s and Rose’s routes. If he stays with Lucy this opens up Lucy’s and Louis’s route, although Louis’s is semi-friendship not very long.

    Emily’s route is available whether you decide to stay with Lucy or Rose. Her route is mostly the same no matter where you stay, however, there will be small scenes added to reflect where you are.

To clarify facts that are set in stone now that the story has been solidified:


  • Emily and Rose work for the Queen. Emily is the Queen’s servant and official magician. Rose is in charge of the financial side and technical aspects of the Queen’s prison.

    Madelyn works for Rose and only indirectly works for the Queen. Adam is not aware that she is from his world until she begins to open up to him. By that point she explains that she gave up the freedom that came with not being of this world in exchange for the safety of being under the Queen’s service. It’s a decision she regrets, and she sincerely hopes that Adam doesn’t give into the Queen.

    Lucy appears to be a freelancer who adamantly despises the Queen and any sort of control. Louis is sort of just chillin’ in the background.

My questions:

  • What sort of role could Louis play? Right now he is very much a background character unless actively pursued. This bothers me. BTW, to answer this question it might help to read Lucy’s route summary below.

    Speaking of which, I want to do SOMETHING with Louis but I'm not sure. I don't know whether I want to go full-out BL or just keep it friendship of suggestive friendship with BL elements or what.

    I’m unsure about the ending in Lucy’s route. It doesn’t flow for me. Anyone have any suggestions on improvement?

    Like I have said, Lucy’s route is complete. Emily’s is semi-complete and will soon be sent off to proofreaders. Is there any particular script from these routes that you’d like to see?



These route summaries are for Lucy and Emily. They are filled with spoilers. I would like any feedback people can give, please, even suggestions for improvement. These summaries are rough and only what I went by to write the actual script. However, I feel they may be of interest to people and give them a feel for the overall arc.


If you don’t want to be spoiled, well, don’t read
. XD The reason I didn't put Spoiler tags is because the colors show through spoiler tags anyway so it would be a waste. Just try to scroll past it.










Lucy Route



*This route is the darkest of them all. It's not horribly dark, but it's not puppies-and-sunshine either.

*There’s a mechanic in Lucy’s route where Adam will have to make choices that influence the ending. These choices boil down to basically being moral/immoral. Immoral choices lead to the bad ending.

In town Adam comes across Lucy running from a crowd. It turns out she stole a pair of shoes. She admits she could have probably gunned everyone's who's chasing her down, but this is so much more fun. Besides, she doesn’t have any money, and she really needs a nice pair of shoes.

Lucy comes home one night covered in blood and smelling of death. Adam’s off-put.

Adam decides that Lucy’s career as an assassin won’t cut it anymore and he wants to get her a legitimate job that doesn’t involve killing. In short, he succeeds. Lucy decides to celebrate by taking them both to go for a swim. Shenanigans occur.

A week later lucy gets fired for provocative behavior. Adam has to explain that behavior’s not appropriate. Lucy says she doesn’t want anything to tie her down and take away her freedom.

Adam has a dream about the Queen that’s short and vague and reveals little information.

Lucy and Adam are out and meet Rose in the town. Rose has very sharp words for Lucy, saying she can’t evade the Queen forever. She then says the Queen wants Adam and that his days are now numbered unless he submits to her will.
Rose:“It’s not my job to put you two in line. That’s Emily’s. But you two know what’s coming.”
Madelyn is with her and tells Adam very quietly she hopes he can escape before the worst happens. When he says he’s going to escape the Queen, she laughs and says “No, I mean Lucy.”

Night--Lucy comes to sleep beside Adam. Says she wants to keep the nightmares away. He asks what she’s talking about. She’s silent. After a while, she admits that she just doesn’t want him to go and him finding her a job has been the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for her.

Adam has a dream where the Queen comes to him and explains everything. Shows him the dolls and how people are created.

Lucy tells Adam she’s going to kill him to save him. This freaks him out. He asks why she would do this.
Lucy: “I am what I am. I’ve killed every man I’ve been with. I’m sorry, Adam. I regret what I do, but I have to do it.”
He asks if she’s really an assassin.
Lucy: “No, I’m an executioner, a jailor. I lure men to imprisonment. It’s my job, what I was made for.”
He begs her not to, saying that she’s more than a mere killer.
Lucy: “You’re just saying that to save your skin. You’re like every man I’ve ever known. A lying, lying liar.”

If the player doesn’t have enough morality points this leads to a bad ending where she kills him. “Good night, sweet love. Remember in the afterlife. I saved you. I saved you…”

If the player has enough morality points with her she breaks down, unable to do the act and yet unable to imprison him. “Later. Watch out, Adam.”

She kisses Adam and says she’s going to have to kill him to save him. He notes he find himself hopelessly drawn to her. He wants to help her, to save her.

Later Adam encounters Louis who warns him not to do this, that his sister is empty and draws men to her and she’s done this sort of things before. It’s a trap.

Emily comes to Lucy, telling her that it’s time to give Adam to the Queen. She knows the Queen controls them all. It’s only a matter of time before the Queen exerts her control over Lucy and forces her to do her job. Lucy begs Emily for another option, saying she loves Adam. Emily relents, saying this is a new and unusually genuine emotion for Lucy.
Emily: “I’ve been holding off on this because I’m not technically supposed to do this but--I can return you home, Adam.” They go to Emily’s tower clandestinely.

The Queen is there waiting for them. Emily freaks out and tries to come up with an excuse for disobeying. The Queen will have none of it.

Lucy:“This system needs to be brought down. I will destroy it piece by piece,” says Lucy. She shoots the Queen. It injures her enough that Emily has enough time to tell them to go through the portal and get out while she distracts her.
Emily: “I will sacrifice myself. After all the horrible things I’ve done, it’s the least I could do.”

They escape to Adam’s world together.

Lucy is dazed by all that has happened.
Lucy:“But I belong here more than there. Come on. Let’s go paint the town red, love.”
Goodend



Emily Route


*The mechanic that leads to different endings in Emily’s route is responsibility. If he chooses responsible choices, then he’s likely to get the first ending. Less responsible choices lead to the second.

Adam goes to try to convince Emily to take him home since she‘s a powerful magician. She says she doesn’t know how. He says they should research. That’s what real magicians do, and he’s learned that’s how you solve problems from his studies in psychology. Emily admits to being lazy and just not wanting to do it.
Emily: “Maybe if you weren’t around, I wouldn’t be distracted by your cute face and I’d be inspired to work!”
Adam leaves in a huff.

Later Adam tries to bother Emily again. She relents and says she’ll research and work on getting him home if he takes her out to go shopping.
Emily: “I don’t get out often, you know! Usually it‘s just me and these books…”
Adam gets pissed off but thinks it’s the only way to get her to do what he wants so he agrees.
Emily: “Great! I’ll pay for everything! You’ll just offer company like a good trophy boyfriend.”
Adam: “I’m too much of a skinny dweeb to be anyone’s trophy boyfriend.”
Emily: “Aww. I think you’re cute.”
Adam: “That’s beside the point!”
Emily: “We’ll meet tomorrow. Don’t be late. I don’t like it when people are late. Punctuality is important, and you want to do as I say, yes?”

Adam has the choice to be late or not. Being late will anger Emily.
Emily: “Didn’t I specifically say that punctuality is important?”
Adam:“…yes.”
Emily: “And you disobeyed.”
Adam:“…yeah.”
Emily: “Stupid boy.”

They go shopping. Emily manages to get “public official discounts” because she works for the Queen. Adam has the choice of either saying she should or shouldn’t take advantage of her station. They stop at a restaurant to eat. He notices Emily smiling the whole time. He asks why.
Emily: “You have no idea how lonely I am all the time. It’s amazing being with another person. I am a people person when those people aren’t running from me in terror!”
Adam: “That’s not being a people person!”
Emily: “Oh…Well, thanks anyway, Adam.”
Adam: “I’m only doing this to get you to work.”
Emily: “Of course…still, it means something!”
He asks if she’s going to work now. She says she will if he promises to have lunch with her again tomorrow.

Dream about Queen. Same one as is present in Lucy’s route.

They meet at the same restaurant as before. She asks him how he feels about freedom. He has a choice on how he feels here. Discussion about magicians.
Adam: “I was honestly expecting more from you.”
Emily: “Like what?”
Adam: “Can’t you pull off some Harry Potter type stuff?”
Emily: “Larry Rotter?”
Adam:“Never mind. Reference from my old world. You wouldn’t get it.”
She asks him to tell her about his old world. She’s genuinely curious. He explains, talking about magician stereotypes.

That night depending on who he’s staying with he gets a warning about seeing Emily. If he is staying with Rose, she’ll be somewhat ambivalent (since she works for the Queen herself and can‘t technically say anything bad) and simply warns Adam to watch himself. If he is staying with Lucy she’ll be blunter, saying that Emily is literally a witch and that this will lead to no good.

Next day Adam visits Emily again.
Adam: “Will you work now?”
Emily: “Oh…right…”
Adam: “What? Are you not going to work on it?”
She admits she’s a little sad that she won’t have an excuse to force him to spend time with her anymore. She wants him to promise that he’ll stay with her…no matter what. Player can make the choice on whether Adam promises or not.

Standard dream about Queen. Exact same one from Lucy’s route.

Adam’s wakes up, scared by the dreams he’s been having.

*The rest of her route is yet to be planned. I'm unclear on it. The first ending where he has high responsibility will have him become Emily’s servant. In the second ending, when he has low responsibility, he and Emily break from the system and return to his world.

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#23 Post by night_serenade » Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:09 am

Wow, you've seriously been working hard on this! This sounds really really great, and I'm sure it will end up being an amazing game.

I sent you a PM the other day offering my services to be a proofreader, and my offer still stands :)


On a side note (SPOILERS BELOW)
- I think maybe the part in Lucy's path where they encounter the Queen needs to be more dramatic and have more information. Maybe that's why the ending seems a little weird to you? Like maybe have it that the Queen tries to convince them to stay, or threatens to kill the others that Adam met. Or just have it be a bigger scene, since it IS important, I think.
- Hm, your question on Louis is a bit difficult. I remember reading that he might have something to do with problems Rose is having? Does that still apply to the story now that Rose isn't in the mafia? Because if he is still causing trouble for her, I think it would open up some ideas for Louis's path.
- And if you want him to be more than a side character, you mentioned before that Adam isn't the type of guy that's so interested in girls. So maybe (at least in the beginning) Louis is sort of like a friend he can talk to, them being the same gender and all. And then if you continue to talk with him instead of one of the girls and things like that, you would be choosing to follow his path?
- I like how Lucy's path is, and Emily's as well even though it is currently incomplete. I'm actually very interested in Rose's path, as well as Louis's path because you haven't figured out what to do with it yet.
Sorry if that made no sense D: I'm not exactly fully awake at the moment, haha.
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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#24 Post by YuukiCrossPudding » Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:26 am

Whee!
So you already work really hard on this!
I'm pretty scared that you hasn't since I didn't hear from you for a while!
xDDD
Sorry >A<
I like Lucy path already, it's making sense, but maybe the ending part is too short? you should make the ending thing longer and more "dramatic" or something, so it'll be more enjoyable (my opinion xD), for louis, I'm pretty much like alice(night_serenade) idea for that.
@alice: I like ur idea though, for the third one especially. I think it should be like that for louis,
Since my VN for blue rose is like that too xD, if the player choose to be with the boy, then he'll follow his path or something xP,

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#25 Post by LondonIvy » Sun Feb 20, 2011 8:09 pm

Thanks for the feedback. This is the sort of thing I'm looking for and, I've gotten some great ideas for Louis. You're right. Adam isn't overly interested in girls at first. This is a great jumping off point. Thanks for the help, guys! Seriously.
I also appreciate you bringing up Rose in connection to Louis. This gives me a decent idea for a conflict. As I have it planned Louis is like his sister: an iconoclast, a rebel. However, he's more subtle than her. He's manipulative and pretends to be easy-going to reel people in. I've realized I need to come up with an exact profession for him. That's too vague as of now.

Lucy's end will be edited in light of the points brought up here. It does need more drama. Besides, Lucy's role as a jailor needs to be dealt with a lot more, especially in the end with the Queen.

Btw, I'm definitely am going to take you (and everyone else who has offered) up on your offer to proofread. You seem to have decent ideas and know what you're talking about.

Yuuki, I am so looking forward to Blue Rose. :D

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#26 Post by SilverxBlue » Tue Feb 22, 2011 7:53 am

Hello~
Like Ms.Alice I've also sent a PM a long long time ago, asking if I could be a proofreader for this project. So, I was wondering if it is not yet too late to ask if I could offer my proofreading services again.
It would be nice to work on something again. :)
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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#27 Post by platonicheart » Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:26 am

is there a room for a proofreader??

Currently working on Learning to Love

proofreading: the beach and yuki academy

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#28 Post by LondonIvy » Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:18 pm

Everyone who has offered to proofread will be able to proofread. The only issue is that I have a lot of proofreaders and not quite enough written. XD When everything is written there will be more than enough for everyone, don't worry. When I get it written, I will send it along to you guys.

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#29 Post by Julie » Thu Feb 24, 2011 9:55 pm

Hi LondonIvy. I just thought I check up on this thread. I'm glad you have more than enough proof readers for this game already. Are you planning on making a demo or just release the game when it's complete? Nonetheless I would like to offer my services as a game tester if you ever need one. ^^

I didn't read the sneakpeaks because I don't want to be spoiled YET but I bet it's good. :lol: Good luck with this!

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Re: Into the Distance (Dark Fantasy BXG) Progress

#30 Post by LondonIvy » Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:56 pm

Just to let people who might be following this know, I won't be able to work on this until next week (when my Spring Break begins). I'm pretty busy with school now. That will change soon. I'll get back in touch with my proofreaders and get them to work, haha. Thank you everyone. :)

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