The Artificer Chapter 2a/2b

[Blick Winkel]

Genres : Mystery, Fantasy, Fighting

Takeru has been plagued by a shadow of a long-lost memory as far as he remembers.
His consciousness has decided to lock it away, yet now it has begun to manifest stronger than ever.
Whose blood is on his hands?

The somehow peaceful life he has been leading up to now is torn to shreds in one single moment.
The time to be judged and to judge.... has come.

Genres : Mystery, Fantasy, Fighting

Another sunny, summer morning. It is May already, and Takeru Gensai is making his way towards the school building, bombarded by the scorching sunrays.
He is soon to graduate, but it hardly evokes any feelings in him. There's something missing, something that scratches at his mind from inside.
Fooling around with his friend makes it easy to ignore the uncertainty. The day is about to end just like every other one, but...

Stench of death filling the alley. Blood and flesh intertwine in a grotesque spectacle...
And amongst it all, an eclipsed figure that brutally rips out the deepest parts of his subconscious.
Who... is it?


Prologue + chapter 1-2 , WIN/LINUX/MAC combined : http://theartificervn.blogspot.com/


Screenshots:

[Kael]

Played it, looks nice, although heavily influenced by Fate and Tsukihime. I'll check it out when it's done.

[Jonarific]

You might want to give a little detail to your story, a hook of sorts... I'm not saying this to be mean, but if you just post "here's my visual novel and the genre, if you want to, take a look." No one really knows what's going on, just a little synopsis of your story can do wonders for getting people's interest.

[Blick Winkel]

Chapter 1 is up.
Again, would love some feedback.

[AllegroDiRossi]

Well, I just want you to know that I really loved the work you've done so far. I really can't wait to see what you do with this and I think that what you're doing is by far one of the most interesting projects I've seen on here in a while. I hope you persevere and finish this great beginning to what could be a wonderful visual novel.

I do agree with a commenter on your blog about getting someone else to proofread your script. You've actually done an amazing job with the writing already, but a fresh pair of eyes would be just what you need to catch those errant typos and odd wordings that crop up now and again.

One thing that I would suggest as far as coding goes is that you take out those empty returns that occur pretty often in the body of the text. There were a lot of times where I had to press enter twice to get the text, and I think that having the text set up this way detracts from the emersion of the story. It reminds me that I'm reading something that requires input and it doesn't let the text progress naturally.

Code: Select all

t "Time freezes. The blade hangs in front of my eyes."
t ""
t "My brain desperately tries to save its existence."

That in the middle! They're so annoying when I'm really into the story and I don't know if i didn't click or if the file messed up or what's going on!

Another thing to consider would be to take out the line break after every line. if you put the code "extend" before each line, it will run the text in paragraph format instead of jumping to a new line every time. For example, your original code reads as:

Code: Select all

t "Time freezes. The blade hangs in front of my eyes."
t "My brain desperately tries to save its existence."
t "Countless thoughts flash through my mind."
t "But there's nothing that can be done."
t "The sword is closer with every passing milisecond."
t "My body is like a stone statue, heavy and unable to move."
t "It's over."
t "I pray for a miracle."
t "And my call is answered."

and displays as:

Time freezes. The blade hangs in front of my eyes.

My brain desperately tries to save its existence.

Countless thoughts flash through my mind.

But there's nothing that can be done.

The sword is closer with every passing milisecond.

My body is like a stone statue, heavy and unable to move.

It's over.

I pray for a miracle.

And my call is answered.

But if you use the "extend" command like so:

Code: Select all

t "Time freezes. The blade hangs in front of my eyes."
extend "My brain desperately tries to save its existence."
extend "Countless thoughts flash through my mind."
extend "But there's nothing that can be done."
extend "The sword is closer with every passing milisecond."
extend "My body is like a stone statue, heavy and unable to move."
extend "It's over."
extend "I pray for a miracle."
extend "And my call is answered."

NVL-mode will display it in a running paragraph:

Time freezes. The blade hangs in front of my eyes. My brain desperately tries to save its existence. Countless thoughts flash through my mind. But there's nothing that can be done. The sword is closer with every passing milisecond. My body is like a stone statue, heavy and unable to move. It's over. I pray for a miracle. And my call is answered.

Each line will still display on click, and appear just as you intend, but it will all run in a paragraph style much more suited to the novel style of your text delivery.

A few questions:
Where does the music come from? Are you composing your own or getting it from somewhere?
Are you going to produce the sprites yourself, or have you considered working with any of the artists here on LSF?

Keep up the good work!

[Blick Winkel]

The spaces were supposed to be like this, something kind of a pause in the character's thoughts, but yeah, a lot of people mention it, so I guess I need to change that.
Music is my own creation. While we're at it, which track you find the best/the worst?
As of sprites, I made some sketches, the one posted in OP, and also this one. I'm trying to get the right feel. Something a bit more realistic and eerie rather than colorful dating sim characters.
If it doesn't work out, I'll look for someone to do it for me.

[Samidarenina]

You could try using

Code: Select all

"{nw}"

instead of the empty spaces. It makes renpy continue to the next line.
If that doesn't cut it out for you, then you could instead try using the text tag \n at the beginning of the next line.

Another little thing I'd recomend is adding a click-to-continue indicator. It kinda helps with knowing when you have to click for the text to continue. But it's up to you, these are just some ideas.

Well, let's talk about the game itself a little then.
I actually really enjoyed it and felt disappointed when it ended so quickly. (Yeah, i want a continuation. xD)
It was an interesting read and you have my support on continuing it.
(Also, it's nice to see that I'm not alone in trying to make a darker and more story-centric VN. NVL is also rare around these parts.)

But still, there were some parts that hurt the game a bit. (SPOILER WARNING FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T READ IT)
First of, I believe you killed off Kouji a little bit too fast. The read doesn't get a chance to get to know and like him. His death lacks impact because of that. It feels like just an random NPC got killed. Prolonging the Prologue a bit and flashing him out a bit more would do wonders for the narrative.

Also, the lack of character sprites and CGs is a bit off putting so far, but I believe it's tolerable. You also said you've been working on character designs so I assume you'll at least try to do something about it :'D

Anyway, I should stop at that because I'm afraid I was a bit of harsh, but I'm just saying that because I've liked the story so far and I'd be glad for you if you'd be able to do something great with it.
Good luck.

━━Sami

Edit:
......oh yeah, almost forgot - the music.
It was suitable to the mood and scene most of the time and I'd have to say that it's quite likeable.
Which tools did you use for it?

[Blick Winkel]

Yeah, a click indicator is a great idea. I'll make sure to add one. (As long as I manage to make it work properly, that is)
Also, the "{nw}" is indeed what I meant to do.
This really helps, thanks. I know just the basics of Ren'py, but I'll just keep updating the code as I improve.

About Kouji.. he still has his part in the story after this. Wait for the next chapter.

For music, I used FruityLoops and Magix music maker.

[Samidarenina]

If you need any help with anything related to ren'py, I'd be glad to help as long as I'm able to, that is

[Blick Winkel]

Final sprites in the making - check them out

[icovoc]

I read all of this in one sitting today, and I thought it was really great. Admittedly, the resemblance to Fate/Stay Night is undeniable--the framing, layout of the prose, even a few elements of the plot--but what really distinguishes this I think is simply how well it's done. The music and photography are amazing, and the absence of character sprites wasn't a problem either, as I got the feeling you were simply playing to your strengths. Especially the action scenes were energetic and dynamic because of the soundtrack.

On that note, I do actually disagree with one of the earlier posts about line breaks. I've always thought the use of one-line sentences (or "vertical paragraphs", arranged once sentence at a time down the page) works really well in visual novels because of the way it draws attention to each line as it appears, especially considering how strong the writing is here... again, as long as you don't mind comparisons to Nasu, which I suppose would be inevitable. The layout now is visually striking and does a good job all around.

Anyway, this was a really great start. The only problem is for now there isn't much available, but it shows that you really worked a lot on each section of the story as it was developed, and I'm really looking forward to the next chapters when they're available.

[Blick Winkel]

Need some critique on CG's/charcter designs.
Also, looking for proofreaders to clean up first two chapters before 2.0 release (be warned, a lot to fix, I'm not a native english speaker).

[GJsoft]

*CONTENT DELETED*

[Blick Winkel]

Will the game feature only cg's or also character sprites?
GJ

I tried using sprites at first, but they somehow don't fit into the game very well... NVL mode and all that.
So just these for now.

the coloring leaves you wishing for more

Yeah, I know. I can't do that very well, I'm not good with both drawing and photoshop, so... Hope I'll get better with time.

[Blick Winkel]

V2.0 available, this time with (some) actual character graphics. Hoping for more feedback posts/pm's.