Komi's Writing

[KomiTsuku]

Okay, as most of you who have played my older games know, I don't have teh madz skillz at art, I have teh badz. However, I like to fool myself that I'm not an utterly loathsome writer. That being said, in addition to getting Anton's Vacation Episode Two ready for release in September, I've been considering returning to my original trade of novel writing. There was one story in particular that I was working on in the last year that I'm highly contemplating getting back into and finishing. As we speak, I'm back to writing chapters for it. However, I am a very, very harsh person towards my works and have no subjective view on if my writing sucks or is decent. So... I know it isn't art, but I would be highly grateful if anyone would be willing to read through what I have gotten through and give me some constructive feedback on it. ^_^

Oh, where is that short description line...? Ah.

Herod Stormwolf, paladin of Westerfall, wants nothing more than to smite the elven threat to his home, but can a young elven healer show him there is more to following the Light than killing one's adversaries?

This is the only fantasy piece I've ever written, hence why I am very... leery about it.

Blood of the Light

Thanks.

[lordcloudx]

Just read all chapters. Am impressed by the characterization overall. Got sum issues with the flow of the plot and some dialogue but am on my android phone now. Will get back later with more detailed feedback.

Edit: Okay, so I read through the 11 chapters you've posted so far and I'm pretty impressed with the characterization overall, as I've previously mentioned. What I liked is how distinctive each character was and all their different personality quirks. Herod, in particular, comes off right now as a pretty stiff and annoying character (I think this might be intentional), especially with his strong prejudice against elves.

Parts of the dialogue in some chapters did not seem quite consistent with the settings to me. For example, the use of the word "cool" in one chapter as well as Markus' diction in general. He seems like he's the best-friend archetype in your typical Saturday morning anime but everyone else seems to be speaking old or at least very formal English in what appears to me, to be a Warcraft-like world. That aside, you did a good job of marking the distinctive personalities of each character based on their manner of speech as well, so I guess it kinda balances things out.

Regarding the plot, it's quite intriguing really. I'm very interested in what happens next. It seems like although the focus is on the main characters that there are political movements or other things happening underfoot, which might be revealed later on. Thus, it brings about some questions, which could possibly become plotholes if you leave them unresolved IMO.

1. Why does Elita act so friendly towards Herod from the very beginning? She seems very clingy, although this doesn't really come off as an annoying part of her personality and I think it's quite cute, actually. However, I do think that she should (or probably has) have some kind of deeper motivation to get so close to Herod.

There's also the fact that Herod and his party did try to kill off Elita and her companions before they got assaulted with that massive horde of dragons and drakes. It seems a bit strange to me that Elita would be so friendly to both Herod and Markus after that incident. In fact, moreso towards Markus because I assume that Lord Bellin was a very good friend of hers. It seems strange that she could make a full emotional recovery so quickly unless there's more to her than meets the eye at the moment.

In fact, it seems like almost everyone is in the know except for poor Herod.

2. I think that Herod himself is a bit too accepting of the stuff that's happening around him given his apparently stiff personality. He holds strong prejudices against elves, that's already been shown. Yet, he seems quite ready to accept both Zoyie and Rita's help with very little questions asked.

The question is, why isn't he a bit more suspicious? I'd think that he should be given that the order of the Paladins seems to be utilized as a military unit of sorts.

3. "Demon idea or not, Herod had to know if Elita had been playing him and her sister from the very first moment. The paladin felt sick to his stomach, unable to distinguish if it was fear or disgust."

This one line seemed a bit strange to me. The meaning is a bit ambiguous in context. Since Herod seems to suspect all elves, does it mean that he suspects that Elita and her sister are both playing with him? Or is he just referring to Elita while Minako is in the clear for being an acquaintance of his father? I think the former interpretation would be more consistent with Herod's personality, but his words seem to imply the latter.

Minor complaints aside, there's nothing really glaring in there that would distract someone like myself too much from enjoying this piece. Keep up the good work.

[KomiTsuku]

Just read all chapters. Am impressed by the characterization overall. Got sum issues with the flow of the plot and some dialogue but am on my android phone now. Will get back later with more detailed feedback.

Edit: Okay, so I read through the 11 chapters you've posted so far and I'm pretty impressed with the characterization overall, as I've previously mentioned. What I liked is how distinctive each character was and all their different personality quirks. Herod, in particular, comes off right now as a pretty stiff and annoying character (I think this might be intentional), especially with his strong prejudice against elves.

I have to admit I've enjoying writing a main character who acts like he has a stick up his butt. XD It's an amusing change of pace. Not sure how long it will stay up there, though.

Parts of the dialogue in some chapters did not seem quite consistent with the settings to me. For example, the use of the word "cool" in one chapter as well as Markus' diction in general. He seems like he's the best-friend archetype in your typical Saturday morning anime but everyone else seems to be speaking old or at least very formal English in what appears to me, to be a Warcraft-like world. That aside, you did a good job of marking the distinctive personalities of each character based on their manner of speech as well, so I guess it kinda balances things out.

I'm kinda glad you mentioned Markus. I'm primarily a modern/futuristic writer. Trying to form characters that come from an entirely different setting and time period was challenging and sometimes quirks like that slip through. I'm worried that the occasional slip-up in dialogue will throw off the reader, so I was highly curious if it was noticeable. I ended up going with a personality type for him that was familiar to me in the end because I wanted him to... ughhhh... it's hard to explain what crazy idea I was trying.

You might have noticed that he is a lot more serious at points and I was attempting to keep his true personality under wraps.

All in all, it's really a whole new world for me writing fantasy, so this is really the biggest reason I'm glad for the help.

Regarding the plot, it's quite intriguing really. I'm very interested in what happens next. It seems like although the focus is on the main characters that there are political movements or other things happening underfoot, which might be revealed later on. Thus, it brings about some questions, which could possibly become plotholes if you leave them unresolved IMO.

1. Why does Elita act so friendly towards Herod from the very beginning? She seems very clingy, although this doesn't really come off as an annoying part of her personality and I think it's quite cute, actually. However, I do think that she should (or probably has) have some kind of deeper motivation to get so close to Herod.

There's also the fact that Herod and his party did try to kill off Elita and her companions before they got assaulted with that massive horde of dragons and drakes. It seems a bit strange to me that Elita would be so friendly to both Herod and Markus after that incident. In fact, moreso towards Markus because I assume that Lord Bellin was a very good friend of hers. It seems strange that she could make a full emotional recovery so quickly unless there's more to her than meets the eye at the moment.

In fact, it seems like almost everyone is in the know except for poor Herod.

The group may or may not be being used by a higher power, a fact that is known to certain members (both Markus and Elita, though each sees a different piece of the puzzle). Elita is being friendly, hiding her true feelings behind a mask because of a single, solitary reason, which should be revealed in later chapters, when she can't take it anymore.

Overall, Elita is one of my favorite characters to write out of all my series. She's has this heartwarming cheer to her, but it isn't something that has completely consumed her personality. She's similar to another elf I've written, Yoi, but it's like the differences between a cup of tea versus an energy drink. Elita is a lot more calm, thoughtful, with a depth to her soul that you really don't notice, but she still tries to be forgiving and kind. Yoi's just... an elf on that can of red bull. I love them both, but... I dunno. There just seems to be a lot more elegance and meaning to Elita. I really hope people still like her when the enough is enough moment happens.

2. I think that Herod himself is a bit too accepting of the stuff that's happening around him given his apparently stiff personality. He holds strong prejudices against elves, that's already been shown. Yet, he seems quite ready to accept both Zoyie and Rita's help with very little questions asked.

The question is, why isn't he a bit more suspicious? I'd think that he should be given that the order of the Paladins seems to be utilized as a military unit of sorts.

Most of the reason that he accepts Zoyie's help is peer pressure from Markus. Herod knows that if he turns down Zoyie's help, it will be another unwinnable fight with Markus and he will still end up with the demon. He accepts her help, but under his watchful eye.

As for Rita, that is mostly just because he views her as a honorable warrior. He is rather naive in his trust of human fighters who hold themselves to what he might think of as paladin standards. He senses good in her, and since she is human, he is willing to trust her for the moment.

3. "Demon idea or not, Herod had to know if Elita had been playing him and her sister from the very first moment. The paladin felt sick to his stomach, unable to distinguish if it was fear or disgust."

This one line seemed a bit strange to me. The meaning is a bit ambiguous in context. Since Herod seems to suspect all elves, does it mean that he suspects that Elita and her sister are both playing with him? Or is he just referring to Elita while Minako is in the clear for being an acquaintance of his father? I think the former interpretation would be more consistent with Herod's personality, but his words seem to imply the latter.

Her sister part was an accident. Minako was not supposed to be referenced in that line. >.>;

Minor complaints aside, there's nothing really glaring in there that would distract someone like myself too much from enjoying this piece. Keep up the good work.

Thank you so much! ^_^

Edit: To make a long post longer,

I'm holding back on explaining Rita for now, seeing as she is only a very, very minor character for the next few chapters. As the pieces begin to start appearing, who and what she is will be explained.

[KomiTsuku]

I hate bringing up my own posts, but is there anyone else who can give me some sort of review or advice? While I'm overwhelmingly grateful for even a single review, it is still simply one view.

There always seems to be an abundance of writers/editors... I'll return the favor (and if you ever want a review on anything, Cloud, just ask).

[RemnantDream]

I've started reading it but I don't have time to review right now. I'll review later when I finish ^^