my story for (GxB) otome...

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demonangelz
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my story for (GxB) otome...

#1 Post by demonangelz » Tue Sep 06, 2011 11:49 pm

I've been working on my artwork lately and hav gotten a bit better (i think?) with a lot of help and critics but I'm also working on the script for my otome (GXB) game XD This is the basic summary of the plot and err..the characters... Any critics, comments or improvements/suggestions would help a lot. This is my first time ever writing a plot that's actually used in a game so...is it good? Will it interest people into playing it? (plot-wise XD)
Plot:
In the fantasy land called Lumina, Seraphine Crimson is an assassin from the Silver Moon Clan. Ever since she was a small child, she has lived her entire life doing missions assigned to her by the higher ups at the clan. During one of her missions, she ends up getting stabbed and then fell out of a window of a castle and was presumed dead. However, instead of going to hell, Seraphine made a deal with a grim reaper and her soul was saved. Seraphine is given the body of a country girl named Muriel Vena, and she has to change the fate of 5 people who made a ‘wrong’ turn on the path of life…
The perfection with a price
The curiosity that killed
The choice that gave eternal pain
The life with no significance
The betrayal that can hurt only the betrayer
The story mainly takes place in Lumina’s central country called Flora. A normal visual novel, make choices for Seraphine and help her change the 5 people’s fates before it’s too late. *FYI in the game, Seraphine will address herself as Sera.*
And for characters if u want to keep reading...XP
Characters:
Seraphine Crimson-the assassin. She’s not the typical helpless main character like in most games. XD Growing up as an assassin has made her oblivious to the happiness of the world. In order to live another day, she has to keep completing missions assigned to her and has killed more people than you can count on all your fingers. She’s glad that she was able to avoid death but she’s pretty worried about how she can change a person, let alone their entire fate. It’s kind of hard when you’ve spent your whole life trying not to have feelings and looking at other people as ‘targets’…
Lucius Nightgale- Seraphine’s partner when she was an assassin and a pretty scary guy. He’s a sadist and a murderer. He’s known to be evil, merciless, cruel, sarcastic and very dangerous. Does he even feel guilty for Seraphine’s death? If he does, he’s not showing it at all. His mission with Seraphine failed because she died and he’s annoyed that he’s stuck in Flora to not only complete the mission he failed but also to kill the prince of the Lionheart Kingdom, the most powerful kingdom in Flora.
Kiran Lionheart- The prince of the Lionheart Castle. He hates being prince of the kingdom and does not want to take over as the next king. At least on the outside he seems to be kind, nice, gentle, and has a very angelic smile that melts the hearts of all the ladies in the kingdom.
Velius Samael- A thief who likes stealing valuable treasures and selling them for money. He’s in Flora to steal a valuable treasure rumored to be located in the Lionheart Kingdom. He has a very outgoing personality, enjoys joking around, is very laid back and likes to tease people. Even though he has seems like the jokester type, he is also a bit dangerous since he’s willing to go as far as murder in order to obtain an item he wants.
Tsuneo Aden- A mysterious traveler who wants to see the entire world. Tsuneo is quiet, calm and seems pretty nice. He’s currently traveling through Flora and stopped at the Lionheart Kingdom to sightsee. He’s pretty well known as a world traveler and the king invited him to stay at the Lionheart castle during his stay.
Ares Tempest- He is supposedly Kiran’s friend but they don’t seem to associate with one another unless necessary. He was invited by Kiran to stay at the Lionheart castle as a guest and says he wants to see the sights but…is that all he wants to do? He’s known for his amazing swordsmanship, has a suspicious and evil aura around him and is seen as the complete opposite of Kiran. He’s not talkative, pretty emotionless and always has a serious look on his face. Seraphine thought Ares reminded her of herself when she first saw him.


In between school, art and script, it's going to b a while but i would like any feedbacks for a general knowledge of what i can improve on ><
I have returned after a long time away. Working on a small project, hope I'll be able to show it on here soon! =D

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Auro-Cyanide
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Re: my story for (GxB) otome...

#2 Post by Auro-Cyanide » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:40 am

I do like the idea of someone who takes lives now having to work to make them better. Depending on who you write her, she could be a very interesting character.

I have seen this concept done before, the prime example being 'Wishlist' by Eion Colifer in which
The main character gets killed while trying to job a house. She gets stuck in limbo because her actions weigh up to be neutral, she is equally good and evil. She is then sent back to Earth on a test to right the regrets of an old man to decide whether she goes to heaven or hell
.

However, I think your story line could work out really well providing you give good reasons for things (how she made the deal, the motives of the other characters etc). Overall, I think I would be interested in it.

One thing that annoys me is the names, ESPECIALLY Seraphine Crimson. She sounds like a Mary Sue. Most of the other names feel okay because there is only one of their names that sounds cliche.

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Re: my story for (GxB) otome...

#3 Post by Shadow » Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:02 am

Auro-Cyanide has got a good point with the reasons behind actions. Having a through-line (ultimate objective) for all your characters will do wonderfully since they it gives them reason to move forward and may dictate their interactions with other characters. Also think about specifics and smaller motivations. Why would Seraphine make a deal with the grim reaper? Does this imply she has a fear of the unknown or is she religious in recognising Hell? What impact would it have on Muriel's friends and family when all of a sudden their girl has someone in her body? How does Seraphine receive information about the five people, what motivates her to help them and how would she handle a rather large group?

Raising Seraphine's stakes would make things interesting and could work into some nice tension or conflict.

Most of the names come off as too obvious, especially if the audience is well-read. A little research and subtlety would be beneficial since at the moment the characters seem defined by their name, rather than added to by it.

It feels a little banal for Seraphine's life to be constant killing and targets. A solid backstory for her reasons and reactions would be good. All of the characters could use more fleshing out so they're rounded and have more than their face-value.

It's an interesting idea, though. Good luck with it!

demonangelz
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Re: my story for (GxB) otome...

#4 Post by demonangelz » Wed Sep 14, 2011 11:51 pm

ahh i c, ty guys for all ur opinions, i'll work on improving the story more n the relationships of ea character XD
I have returned after a long time away. Working on a small project, hope I'll be able to show it on here soon! =D

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