help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

Use this forum to help develop your game-making skills, and get feedback on writing, art, music, or anything else you've created that isn't attached to a game in progress.
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JustAnotherMe
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Re: Help me choose the design of my chara, please? (update1)

#31 Post by JustAnotherMe » Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:10 am

Thanks Celest! That helps me! ^^ I'm still not sure about Junichi and Ichiro... so yeah...
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#32 Post by JustAnotherMe » Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:32 am

So... some update, a new question. Hope I can get feedback ^^
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#33 Post by Kura » Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:32 am

Ooh, I rather like the poem. Eerie little thing! Just two simple things to point out:
You skipped number three. "two and two" then "four and four", no "three and three". If that was on purpose then ignore me~
Your tense is off. It should be either "the demon wants it so" or "the demons want it so".
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#34 Post by JustAnotherMe » Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:34 pm

@Kura: Thanks for the feed back ^^

Uh-oh! Errrrrrr... I guess I'm still no good at english... and such clumsiness... how can I make SUCH a mistake?! Gawddd... TAT
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#35 Post by narusasu » Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:21 am

Perhaps listen to music without lyrics? If I want to write poetry, it's usually because I was inspired by classical or techno. I first write it as if I am writing lyrics to the music, keeping in tempo with the melody, and then after I'm finished, I go back and re-write it. When you re-write, think about what you can expand on and what you can cut out. What are you trying to convey in the poem? It doesn't even have to rhyme, you know? Free verse is equally nice.

The poem you have right now has a nice creepy feel to it, but I personally would like to understand who is speaking and who the poem is directed at. As far as I can tell, those questions are unanswered. Though, that doesn't mean that it is necessary that you do answer every question. It's all a matter of taste. I'm not very good at poetry myself. ^^;

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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#36 Post by JustAnotherMe » Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:37 am

@narusasu: thankiess for the feedback ^^

Uhh, I believe, after spending some time browsing through some web, I've learned something to make a decent lyric. My lyric has no good punctuation, and the... ugh, I don't know what's the word, but there is a "too long words" and "too short words" that doesn't go well with the beats. (I need to change this lyric) And about the 'hearing a music while making the lyric', I think I can't do that, because I want someone to make a melody out of this ^^ so I guess it'll be up to him/her. Though it's a really good thing if you want to make the melody yourself. Luckily, about the beat, I have been educated to music too so I know things about beats and style of music so I can just... imagine what kind of lyric I should make.

And... yeah... it's too vague with this lyric... It's just a children song, telling us (or the victim) that we can't run away from the demon, and telling the worshiper how to sacrifice the victim for the demon. It somehow got mixed -_-

@Deji-chan: thanks for the feedback!! ^^
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#37 Post by Celestine » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:23 pm

It helps when you actually try to sing the verses the the melody that you want it too..
Like if this was a kid's playing song game. I'd have it rearranged like this.
Because children are innocent. Like a hand game.

Nail and tear the left wing
One and One
Break and rip the right wing
Two and Two

Laugh and laugh
The demon wants it so
Blood and blood
The demon wants it so

Stab and pin the butterfly
Four and Four
Crush and trample their heads
Five and Five

Run and Fall
The demon wants it so
Run and Die
The demon wants it so

That's if you didn't want to change the lyrics so much.

Or you could do it like

The Demon Wants It So

Tear the left wing and nail it down
One and One
Rip the right wing and break
Two and Two

Laugh and laugh
The demon wants it so
Blood and blood or (bleed and bleed)
The demon wants it so

Stab and pin the butterfly
Four and Four
Trample their head and crush them
Five and Five

Run and run
The demon wants it so if you don't want to
Fall and die
The demon wants it so or (The demon said so)


When I was a kid after my older sister had me watch a scary movie I dreamed of these kids singing a song. I've never forgotten it since or the idea of singing a lyric.

One,Two
You better lock the door
Three,Four
He's coming for you
Five,Six
Better stay up late
Seven,Eight
Don't forget the gate
Nine,Ten
(Name) coming again.

There's was also a american one that I remember as a kid that creeped me out.

Ring a round the rosey
A pocketful of posies
Ashes,ashes
We all fall down.

It was simple but it was the melody how how it was sung that creeped me out. More so then the lyrics.

Well that's it. I don't know if my advice helped or not.
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#39 Post by Sunlit-Dreamer » Tue Nov 29, 2011 12:02 am

@Celestine Just wanted to point out the Freddy lyrics are slightly off. XP

One, two
Freddy's coming for you
Three, four
Better lock the door
Five, six
Grab your crucifix
Seven, eight
Better stay up late
Nine, ten
Never sleep again

You were pretty close though.

Aaaaaaand now I vanish again bwuahaha.

Hope you get the lyrics the way you want them to sound.
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#40 Post by Celestine » Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:02 am

No I had actually forgotten the scary movie's version but couldn't remember.
The one I had put up was the one that the kid's sang after I dreamed watching the movie from when I was a kid.

@Sunlit-Dreamer: Thanks for putting up the actual one. Hehe now I don't have to watch the scary movie to know what they really sang, since I'm a chicken.
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#41 Post by JustAnotherMe » Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:37 am

@Celest, New, Sunlit: thanks for the feedback!!! ^w^ I'll... try to remake the lyric. Though maybe not now coz I want to draw the sprite first. OhmyGod!! My lyric is so lame!!!!! TAT
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#42 Post by Mink » Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:19 am

Did no one think of the Pumpkinhead rhyme? I AM IN DISAPPOINT.

"Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you're tired of living,
His enemies are mostly dead,
He's mean and unforgiving,
Bolted doors and windows barred,
Guard dogs prowling in the yard,
Won't protect you in your bed,
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead."


Also, may I suggest the Dead Space 2 version of Ring Around The Rosie?
"I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love."

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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#43 Post by JustAnotherMe » Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:26 am

@Mink: that's... one hell of a way to make it really... creepy... wow...
It's not a children song, I'm a student English, and the ring around the rosie is the ring that comes on your skin when you've got the plague. Atisue is the sneezing, and we all fall down, is that you are death... (people falled literally down). :
That's a comment on the ring around the rosie in dead space... I hope I can make my song like this one. Sure give me chill down my spine...
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#44 Post by Mink » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:18 pm

I know, right? Of course, nearly anything can be creepy if sung the right way, even without changing the lyrics. Case in point: Dead Space - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Fun fact: it's being sung by one of the game developers, apparently.
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Re: help me with my lyric? I don't know how to make it! XF

#45 Post by Celestine » Sat Dec 17, 2011 9:41 pm

HUH?! I've never heard of that one. The Pumpkinhead?
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