Critique my poem plz!

Use this forum to help develop your game-making skills, and get feedback on writing, art, music, or anything else you've created that isn't attached to a game in progress.
Locked
Message
Author
User avatar
SyphyChan
Veteran
Posts: 239
Joined: Sun Feb 13, 2011 8:58 pm
Projects: Syphethia's Discoveries
Contact:

Critique my poem plz!

#1 Post by SyphyChan » Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:35 pm

THIS TOPIC IS NO LONGER RUNNING :P
Last edited by SyphyChan on Thu Nov 24, 2011 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#2 Post by Taleweaver » Tue Nov 22, 2011 4:56 am

Before I write anything else...

do you want a comment, or do you want a critique?
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#3 Post by Wright1000 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 8:36 am

It needs work on it's punctuation.
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#4 Post by Taleweaver » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:15 am

Wright1000 wrote:It needs work on it's punctuation.
So do you.

It's <> its
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#5 Post by Wright1000 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:23 am

Taleweaver wrote:
Wright1000 wrote:It needs work on it's punctuation.
So do you.

It's <> its

It is not wrong to use "it's."
It differs from place to place.
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#6 Post by Taleweaver » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:31 am

Wright1000 wrote:
Taleweaver wrote:
Wright1000 wrote:It needs work on it's punctuation.
So do you.

It's <> its

It is not wrong to use "it's."
It differs from place to place.
In this case, it is wrong. You can only use "it's" instead of "it is". And in above sentence, it wouldn't make sense. Consider:
"It needs work on it is punctuation."
...see?
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#7 Post by Wright1000 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:49 am

I see what you mean but it's still valid.
For example, if I say- I stole John's book.
It won't become: I stole John is book.
I agree with you, though. It doesn't look good with an apostrophe.
But, it is not invalid. Hope you will agree on that.
I've seen it being used in many books I've read.
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#8 Post by Taleweaver » Tue Nov 22, 2011 10:15 am

Wright1000 wrote:I see what you mean but it's still valid.
For example, if I say- I stole John's book.
It won't become: I stole John is book.
I agree with you, though. It doesn't look good with an apostrophe.
But, it is not invalid. Hope you will agree on that.
I've seen it being used in many books I've read.
Unfortunately, John's book -> his book.
Jane's book -> her book.
The dog's ball -> its ball. Not: It's ball. "It's" always means "it is". As a possessive pronoun, it is written "its".
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

User avatar
Rewritten Ennui
Veteran
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 1:50 pm
Organization: TwinTurtle Games
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#9 Post by Rewritten Ennui » Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:30 am

Pfffffft... You two have gone way off topic, Taleweaver and Wright1000. If you want to continue your debate on the usage of "its" and "it's," then you should probably carry it into PMs. I'll withhold my own comment on the matter because I don't want to get mixed up in this >_>

But back to the poem. As far as I can tell, it's in free verse. And I'll be honest with you: I hate blank and free verse. I can go on with a rant about how much I hate them and why, but I won't. The actual content of the poem itself is touching, but stanza 3 seems completely out of place. It barely connects back to the poem and omitted the poem still stands fine by itself.
So that's my 2 cents on the matter. Feel free to read or ignore it.
I've swapped accounts to CheeryMoya, so this account is no longer in use. Refer to the new account if you want to contact me.

Twinturtle Games Website

User avatar
Elze
Veteran
Posts: 246
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:30 am
Tumblr: Poepii
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#10 Post by Elze » Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:45 am

I don't like free verse either haha. But that's my personal preference, mostly because too many teens have killed the "free verse" genre with their angsty poems. This reads more like verses for a song though. Is that what you were going for?
Image

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#11 Post by Taleweaver » Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:48 am

Rewritten Ennui wrote:Pfffffft... You two have gone way off topic, Taleweaver and Wright1000. If you want to continue your debate on the usage of "its" and "it's," then you should probably carry it into PMs. I'll withhold my own comment on the matter because I don't want to get mixed up in this >_>
Well, you're right about that... I was still waiting for vnlvuer to tell me whether it's a critique or a comment she wanted... but I think I can just as well do both. The comment first:

Your poem sounds very much to me as though it should have been the lyrics to a song, especially with the heavy use of repetition ("hey there", "my friend", "my dear friend"). It sounds very personal, very specific, without going into any detail, so I think your intention was to describe a situation which people can relate to. That works to some extent; maybe going for a more formulaic structure or actually following a rhyme scheme or at least a rhythm scheme could have increased the impact of it as your words alone only partially carry the emotion I believe you wanted to convey.

As for the critique - I've just decided to do that by PM.
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

User avatar
Wright1000
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 629
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#12 Post by Wright1000 » Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:37 am

Taleweaver wrote:I was still waiting for vnlvuer to tell me whether it's a critique or a comment she wanted...
She said "Critique my poem".
He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

User avatar
Taleweaver
Writing Maniac
Posts: 3428
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2, Secrets of the Wolf, The Photographer
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: Critique my poem plz!

#13 Post by Taleweaver » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:56 am

^Rewritten Ennui.
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users